dh's compromise over circumcision - help!

[librarymommy]

Okay, so I do not wish to circumcise and dh does. We also cannot decide on a name. Can you see where this is going?

One night I put on a circumcision video which of course made me upset before they even started the major part of the surgery and dh turned it off. The next day he came to me and proposed a compromise. If I let him name the baby, he'll agree to no circumcision.

Now, he has a name I absolutely hate. My favorite name is one he hates. But we do have a couple of default backups that we can both live with. Of course, he'd choose the one I dislike. I cannot imagine calling my baby this name for the rest of his life, but it would ease the "circumcision wars" that we currently have going on.

I'm still looking at names hoping to come up with another one...

[FarmerCathy]

Oh man, what an ultimatum.  That really sucks and I'm sorry.  Maybe a couple counseling sessions would help.  Seems like he just wants to control some part of the situation and maybe you just need to find the root of the cause and someone who can help you do that would be best.  He may be just feeling insecure and once he gets that out everything might go smoother and you will be able to discuss things rather than forcing something on the other person.

[philomom]

DDC crashing to say "no deal". No baby should get cut. No mama should name a child a name she hates. If it were me, I'd say "nice try honey but the baby won't be cut no matter what its name".

[Earthylady]

Well, a name can always be changed but you can't give back a foreskin.  So, I'd probably deal with the name.  Ideal situation?  No, but I feel strongly enough about preserving my child's body the way it was made to possibly live with the name.  My kids all get nicknames anyway.

[mareseatoats]

DF and I had such a hard time with this, too. He wouldn't, or couldn't hear anything that I said because he is cut, and he felt like I was shaming him or saying something was wrong with him (no matter how thoughtfully I presented the information). Circumcision was absolutely not something I was willing to compromise on, though. I really hoped he could hear me and come to the agreement with me that it would be best not to cut our baby, but that isn't going to happen. I finally proposed that I would take his name when we got married if this (and any future) baby could be uncircumsized. It was a trade I was willing to make. I don't think I would have in your situation, though. If there are names you both like then one of those should be chosen. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, I know how hard it is. I think it's important to try and resolve it so no one feels resentful of it if possible, but more important is protecting your little boy.

[scsigrl]

I think it's total BS and would never fly in my home.  BUT, if that's how things are handled in your home, I would take a crap name (which 99% of kids aren't even called by the name they are given) and leave him intact.  

Do you think you can come up with a "No circ or these top 3 names I hate" and he can pick anything else?

Also, now I am curious as to what the name is you hate (but that's just me being noisy ;) )

[librarymommy]

Originally Posted by philomom 

DDC crashing to say "no deal". No baby should get cut. No mama should name a child a name she hates. If it were me, I'd say "nice try honey but the baby won't be cut no matter what its name".

I have told him this, I have to sign off at the hospital and no matter what, that ain't happening!!!

Originally Posted by mareseatoats 

DF and I had such a hard time with this, too. He wouldn't, or couldn't hear anything that I said because he is cut, and he felt like I was shaming him or saying something was wrong with him (no matter how thoughtfully I presented the information). Circumcision was absolutely not something I was willing to compromise on, though. I really hoped he could hear me and come to the agreement with me that it would be best not to cut our baby, but that isn't going to happen. I finally proposed that I would take his name when we got married if this (and any future) baby could be uncircumsized. It was a trade I was willing to make. I don't think I would have in your situation, though. If there are names you both like then one of those should be chosen. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, I know how hard it is. I think it's important to try and resolve it so no one feels resentful of it if possible, but more important is protecting your little boy.

This is his issue too, he's circed so he wants his son to be the same. For once he's being emotional, and I'm presenting all the rational arguments which is a very strange turn of events.

And he is willing to give me the name I like as a middle name, although I'd much rather have one of our backups as a full name.

More discussion is needed, but if you've seen my previous post on the subject, you'll realize this is a breakthrough as dh is now talking about the subject and even willing to entertain the idea of no circ.

[Smurfy]

I don't know if I'll be much help here but this is our experience with the whole circumcision thing.  I left it up to DH, I had done my research, read the pros and cons and arguments, and decided that I could live with it either way.  DH of course decided he wanted it done, he's done so his son should be was his rationale.  So we went, here they don't do it in the hospital, don't even bring it up, in fact it's a bit of a hassel to find a doctor who will do it and then actually go see them and have it done.  Anyways, we did all the prep, the doctor puts him on the table takes his diaper off and then begins to explain a slight problem.  Seems our son had quite a bit more baby fat in that area and as such his penise was hiding further down than most.  For her to do the circumcision she would first have to guess how much skin needed to be removed and then we would have to be diligent about watching it for the next few years to make sure it didn't grow back up.  She further advised that cosmetically at least he had a far great chance of having problems later on that would need surgical correcting if he had it done than if he didn't.  She also pointed out that 70% of boys are no longer circumcised, a fact proven by my moms group, none of the other baby boys are circumcised.  She left the room for us to discuss, at which point DH picked up the baby and said "Let's go home", done deal.  He hated the idea that something we were about to do had a greater chance of damaging his sons penise than if we just left it alone, plus the whole theory about the other boys in the locker room is now useless since the majority aren't getting it done. 

[scsigrl]

DH and I talked a lot about this before #1.  A few things he informed me of that make some of the "arguments" silly:

1) He NEVER stopped in the locker room to look at another man's junk.  Never.  "You just don't do that. You would get made fun of for doing so!"  

2)  He NEVER saw his Dad's penis that he remembers.  Showers as a young kid, sure but he has no memory of this. So the "Looks like me" is kind of silly too.

As for him giving you a "choice" (which it really isn't, IMHO), I would inform him that when he pushed a child out of his penis, he can make any BODY ALTERING decisions for said child. Till then, he is SOL.

[nald1]

do you have any statistics on how many are getting it done vs not?  It seems my husband is weighing his opinion on will our son "fit in"

[Thing1Thing2]

As for him giving you a "choice" (which it really isn't, IMHO), I would inform him that when he pushed a child out of his penis, he can make any BODY ALTERING decisions for said child. Till then, he is SOL.

Just lurking but

[scsigrl]

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/17/u-s-circumcision-rates-on-the-decline/

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129362160

There are plenty more too.  The rates in the US have gone from more than 1/2 to just about 1/3 who DO circ.  So a normal penis is and intact penis now.

[Heather Lyn]

You might read this recent thread, as well.......http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1311466/circumcision-argument-with-husband/40

[akind1]

With our son, the more DH read about it, the more bothered he was by the fact that *he* was cut.. Our son is not, although I think about roughly to 70-80% of our IRL friends do chose to circumsise their sons. But this is the southern US and prone to be slow to change.

I honestly would take the name gamble. As my mother had to explain to my aunt when she asked why whe didn't circ our son, "they just didn't want to do anything that wasn't absolutely medically necessary" none of the said reasons to circ has stood up to that logic. And you can change a name :)