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I don't want to be a wife and mother anymore.

post #1 of 142
Thread Starter 

And I wanted to be able to just tell someone that. 

 

I hate this. I don't want to be here anymore. Every moment of every day is about everyone else. I hurt all over and feel I am completely used up. 

 

I wish I could go back and undo it all. Make it so that none of it ever happened.

 

guilty.gif

post #2 of 142

This sounds like depression. Are you opposed to anti-depressant medication? I'm sure you love your family and don't really mean you'd rather not have them in your life! 

post #3 of 142

hug2.gif

 

I agree that it sounds like depression. That is exactly how I felt when I had PPD (after both kids - the hormone swings really mess with my mind!)

 

How old are you kids? Do you have someone to take them for a bit so you can take a long walk? Do you have a friend/family member you can call or go see?

 

Depression is serious and needs care. Please call your doctor or midwife. It's OK to put your own needs first for a bit so you can get well. Healthy kids start with a healthy mother!

 

Hang in there and let us know how you're doing.

post #4 of 142

Thanks for sharing that with us! hug2.gif  It is very brave to admit to having those feelings.  Some days I am there too, and I definitely need to take the advice I'm about to give. . .  Time to recharge yourself!!  Weekend breaks and 15 minutes a day of you time is nice, but when you get to the point it seems like you are at, I think you need to take more drastic measures.  Your kids and partner will benefit from the best you.  So, think of what you were doing or who you were when you felt like the Best You.  Did you have a certain job?  Were you a student?  A particular hobby that made you shine or made you excited about life?  Find a way to incorporate the things that made you the best you back into your life - preferably not by adding MORE obligations to your daily life, but by downsizing the ones you already have. 

 

I know, easier said than done!  Thanks for letting us hear your frustration.  I've been so close to my cracking point all June and I think you gave me the push I need to find my best me too.   I hope things get better for you soon.

post #5 of 142

It could be depression (none of us can really diagnose that online based off of one post though).  Or it could just honestly be how the OP feels.  Not everyone loves being a mother.  And that's ok too.

 

OP I'm glad you felt you could vent here and I hope people don't get too judgmental or anything.  I really hope that you can get some relief soon.  There are so many options for reducing your stress, or improving how you feel about your life.  I know how hard it is when you're in the middle of a bad funk though.  hug2.gifFeel free to pm me or post here if you need to talk or anything.  I've been there, so I really feel for you right now.

 

 

post #6 of 142

May be it's time to redefine "being a good mother." duck.gif

 

I don't know anything about you but what is on your signature -- you homeschool, tandum nurse, and use cloth diapers. You don't  have to. You can make different choices and make time for yourself in your life. Being a mother doesn't mean that every single minute of the day and night HAS to be about someone else. It is possible to be a good mother and have balance in your life.

 

 

post #7 of 142
Maybe a little depression but it sounds like you need some goals, some real life friends and some fun activities for your family to share when you are together. Kids can go to school and preschool. You can take evening classes at the local college. Or get a part-time job that makes you feel like you are making a difference.


If its any consolation, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I love my mommy role, my home- making and little house so much and my hubby keeps telling me to "get a job". Sigh. The grass is never just green enough for any of us, eh?
post #8 of 142



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

May be it's time to redefine "being a good mother." duck.gif

 

I don't know anything about you but what is on your signature -- you homeschool, tandum nurse, and use cloth diapers. You don't  have to. You can make different choices and make time for yourself in your life. Being a mother doesn't mean that every single minute of the day and night HAS to be about someone else. It is possible to be a good mother and have balance in your life.

 

 



I think this makes sense too. This list does show how much GIVING you have been doing.  I admire that, and the choices may have been right for you when you started them, but your kids are older now (I don't know their ages, but all kids are getting older all the time) and maybe it's time for your family to adjust to YOUR needs now.  Something's got to give!  I hope you can find some time and support for you.

 

post #9 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

May be it's time to redefine "being a good mother." duck.gif

 

I don't know anything about you but what is on your signature -- you homeschool, tandum nurse, and use cloth diapers. You don't  have to. You can make different choices and make time for yourself in your life. Being a mother doesn't mean that every single minute of the day and night HAS to be about someone else. It is possible to be a good mother and have balance in your life.

 

 


Exactly.  

 

post #10 of 142
I have times when I feel that way. It's hard. Linda is right. You don't actually have to give 24/7. I'm struggling with finding balance as well.
post #11 of 142

It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge what you're feeling, even more to put it down in words hug2.gif

 

Please, get some time off, a mini break, anything that's just for you. Can you get some temporary childcare help, or household help, or just anything so you can just take a break?  That would be the first thing to do right now.

 

Once you're recharged, even a little bit, it'll be easier to figure out what this all means, if anything, and what to do about it.

post #12 of 142

I am so sorry this is where you are today. My heart goes out to you. It sucks to feel this way however you diagnosis this!! I feel completely burned out as a mother too. To suggest that I stop mothering my children in the ways that I feel are most healthy (tandem nursing, cloth diapering, homeschooling, co-sleeping) is intolerable. I want support to mother this way - not told to do it differently. I want our culture to support mothers. I would actually get tax credits if I send them away to daycare! I am burned out and don't have my needs met because it is impossible to meet the needs of an attached family in a nuclear family structure. I feel angry that the only way to keep going is for me to either dig a little deeper and give more or compromise my children's current and future health and happiness. What kind of world is this that I have to fight to mother my children in an attached way - where there is little to no support to mother my children? 

post #13 of 142



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaMunchkin View Post

It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge what you're feeling, even more to put it down in words hug2.gif

 

Please, get some time off, a mini break, anything that's just for you. Can you get some temporary childcare help, or household help, or just anything so you can just take a break?  That would be the first thing to do right now.

 

Once you're recharged, even a little bit, it'll be easier to figure out what this all means, if anything, and what to do about it.

She has childcare, it's called a husband. OP, take off for a weekend and leave the kids with your husband. It will do him good what it entails to deal with them, and will do you good to have a break.

 

 

post #14 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by bohemian madre View Post

I am so sorry this is where you are today. My heart goes out to you. It sucks to feel this way however you diagnosis this!! I feel completely burned out as a mother too. To suggest that I stop mothering my children in the ways that I feel are most healthy (tandem nursing, cloth diapering, homeschooling, co-sleeping) is intolerable. I want support to mother this way - not told to do it differently. I want our culture to support mothers. I would actually get tax credits if I send them away to daycare! I am burned out and don't have my needs met because it is impossible to meet the needs of an attached family in a nuclear family structure. I feel angry that the only way to keep going is for me to either dig a little deeper and give more or compromise my children's current and future health and happiness. What kind of world is this that I have to fight to mother my children in an attached way - where there is little to no support to mother my children? 


I get lots of support. The reality is that, if one is nursing two children (I've never done that, but have come close - nursed right up to labour), cosleeping, and also homeschooling and doing cloth diapering (okay - maybe not the CD...I don't really find it that much extra work), then one is pretty much totally subordinating one's own needs to that of the children. I don't think that's always a bad thing, but it does wear a person down. Whether it should or shouldn't be that way isn't really relevant. It is that way. If a mom is burning out, that reality has to trump ideals. Maybe that means you still do all those things, but dial down the homeschooling a little, and make sure you get out two evenings a week for an hour or two. Maybe it means something else.

 

And, homeschooling and AP are two different things. Choosing to homeschool (I do, also) means that we are choosing to place a heavier burden on our own nuclear family. I don't think blaming the society we live in, because we choose to take on more demands within our own family unit, makes a lot of sense. I was an AP parent (although I'd never heard the term) with ds1, and he went to public school. I got lots of support for the way I parented. I also get lots of support for homeschooling, actually. But, homeschooling is still taking on a schedule that involves a lot less downtime. A lack of support isn't the issue. The fact that I've chosen (as have others, including the OP) to take a large workload, which doesn't include many built-in breaks, onto myself is the issue. If and when I reach a point where I'm seriously burning out, then it's time to re-evaluate...but not because there's no support - because it's a big, big job.

post #15 of 142

Get a life! I am serious. Get a life outside of being mom and wife. Stop tandem nursing and that will free up time. Hell with being green. Happy mom is more important that recycling.

 

See a therapist. Enroll ion class of some sort just for you.  Hire a mother helper or set up times when you DH is with kids and you are out somewhere.

 

There is no martyrdom in mother!

post #16 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post


She has childcare, it's called a husband. OP, take off for a weekend and leave the kids with your husband. It will do him good what it entails to deal with them, and will do you good to have a break.
 

 

She's tandem-nursing. Taking off for a weekend isn't that practical at that stage, ime.
 

 

post #17 of 142

Your sig says you're in desperate need of a nap. I hope you can make sure that you get one, even if someone else has to watch the kids. And then, once you've had some sleep, maybe you can think about what help you need. Take care of yourself....

post #18 of 142



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post



 

She's tandem-nursing. Taking off for a weekend isn't that practical at that stage, ime.
 

 


It is if she has a pump.
 

 

post #19 of 142

You sound completely done - mentally and physically.  I think we all have those times as a parent.  I hope you can find some support near you to help you through this difficult stage.  Don't be afraid to reach out to others.

 

(((hugs)))

post #20 of 142

You need to dig through your resources and find some help.  You don't have to feel this way.  It may be depression or it may be something else (thyroid, sleep deprivation, etc).  Will you go see a doctor or midwife and get some blood tests run and consider counseling and/or medication?  The faster you get help, the better.  Just pick up the phone and call whoever you use for healthcare and see if they can get you in.  It could be time to change things up in your life and a counselor will really be able to help you figure out where to start.  Please let us know you've made the phone call, even if you feel silly calling. 

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