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I don't want to be a wife and mother anymore. - Page 3

post #41 of 142

I have felt this way sometimes too. ((((hugs)))) I hope you are feeling better today.

 

post #42 of 142

OP, I am sorry you are having such a rough time. It takes courage to admit that you're fried & to ask for help.

 

Can you give us a quick update and let us know how you are faring? I am concerned that we haven't heard from you.

post #43 of 142

It is most unhelpful to be told to stop homeschooling or breastfeeding when you suffer from depression. BTDT. I was part of a "homeschooling moms with depression" group and we dealt constantly with people telling us it would be better to stop homeschooling and go to work and get a life. It actually makes many mom's anxiety worse. The majority of those moms on our group who had tried to stop homeschooling, it made them suffer more from their depression because they had added more stress to their lives, both of school AND of doing something against their beliefs. If a parent is using public school, formula feeding, works full time, gets alone time every day, and is still depressed, what would you tell that parent?

post #44 of 142

To the OP: I want you to know that you are not the first and certainly won't be the last to feel this way.  I think we have all been there.  No one can fully understand what it means to be a wife and mother except for those of us that are doing it.

 

I think what many of the PP have said is right.  It is important for you to have some time for yourself and believe me I know how hard won that time can be.  I could take more time for myself than I do but I tend to find things that need to be done at home instead of going out with a friend or just going over to a friend's house without kids.  Much of the pressure we feel, we place on ourselves. 

 

Taking care of a family is so much work and requires sacrifices but please make sure not to sacrifice too much.  Have you ever heard the old adage "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."?  I believe it holds very true.  Right now I think it is time for you to take and figure how to get a sense of yourself back.  Please let us know how you are doing and know that we are here for you.  I completely understand where you are coming from.   

post #45 of 142

 

Quote:
How? I'm really curious. In what way could you receive the support you feel you need? Do you want the government (as depicted on MDC as that big ole evil institution that sends CPS to steal kids) to . .. set up a commune? The way I see it, you have total freedom to mother how you want to and you've chosen a way that is, by your own admission, burning you out. What is it you want other people to do for you?

Well, I'm not the person you are asking this of, but for starters I would say that society could recognize the intrinsic value of mothering and of children.  Let's face it, our society really doesn't value mothering nor does it value children  Society doesn't value any job that doesn't involve a paycheck..  Perhaps if the OP felt her contributions to society were just as important and valuable as other people's (as they are).  Perhaps if society didn't see children as a burden, but rather as a blessing.  Sometimes all it takes is for someone to feel that they valuable and contributing to society in a meaningful way.   Perhaps if our lives were structured so a mother could go out in the world and learn new thing, interact with other people in a meaningful way, etc. WITHOUT feeling like she has to leave her young, breastfeeding infant behind.  La Leche League is really one of the only organizations (that I know of) that views nursing mothers as people able to both care for their babies AND help others/learn new things, interact, etc.  I LOVE La Leche Conferences for this reason..moms with nursing babies can attend very academic and interesting seminars WHILE keeping their nursling with them.  I wish the rest of society was set up like this, that nursing babies were more welcomed at places, allowing new moms to expand their horizons and receive further education without the need to leave a nursling behind

 

Our society is set up so there is huge dichotomy between activities/places/events for kids and those for adults..and never the two shall meet.  I think that contributes A LOT to burn-out.  There is always this dichotomy.  Either you are meeting the needs of the children or you are "taking time for yourself".  There ARE ways to work-out and exercise and learn new things and interact with other adults in a meaningful way WHILE taking care of your kids.  But, as a society, that isn't the norm. 

 

The two major things that help my sanity and keep me from feeling burned out are 1) regular exercise and time outdoors 2) interacting with other adults and moms on a very regular basis (as least several times a week).  As long as I get those two things, I am can avoid burn-out.   I'm able to both of them without leaving my kids.  I do leave them, but I don't need to, to get those needs met.  I do go out on mom's night out, etc. but those are just fun for me, not a "sanity-saver"  My sanity saver is things like meeting friends at the playground/beach/pool or talking with neighbors outside while our kids play.

post #46 of 142

OP, looking into your other posts, it seems that you do have a lot going on.  At least 3 children, oldest 5yrs old, youngest 6 months, change in diet, etc.  I seriously think a trip to a doctor to run some tests would do wonders.  It's very common to have post-partem thyroiditis or PPD at this stage and with the ages of your older children, it would be too much to handle a medical condition that takes away all of your energy and all that you're doing.  I don't know what you have in the way of insurance, but you can get your thyroid checked, dr. visit, labs and medicine for under 200 dollars.  You mentioned having a hard-time losing weight (another sign of thyroid issues). 

 

I also want to 2nd, 3rd, 4th, that there is no "right" way to live.  You really have to do what works for you.  There's so much in the world that we can find to fear and so much that we'd like to avoid and so many ideals that we'd like to live up to.  We can't do it all.  We can find a way to keep our self, marraige and family from crumbling needlessly.  Making sure that this isn't a medical issue is what I'd do first.  If you're perfectly healthy, then look into depression and how to treat that.  You really need to make some calls and find out what's available for you. 

 

How are you doing today?

post #47 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliabedelia View Post

 

 La Leche League is really one of the only organizations (that I know of) that views nursing mothers as people able to both care for their babies AND help others/learn new things, interact, etc.  I LOVE La Leche Conferences for this reason..moms with nursing babies can attend very academic and interesting seminars WHILE keeping their nursling with them.  I wish the rest of society was set up like this, that nursing babies were more welcomed at places, allowing new moms to expand their horizons and receive further education without the need to leave a nursling behind

 

Our society is set up so there is huge dichotomy between activities/places/events for kids and those for adults..and never the two shall meet.  I think that contributes A LOT to burn-out.  There is always this dichotomy.  Either you are meeting the needs of the children or you are "taking time for yourself".  There ARE ways to work-out and exercise and learn new things and interact with other adults in a meaningful way WHILE taking care of your kids.  But, as a society, that isn't the norm. 

 

The two major things that help my sanity and keep me from feeling burned out are 1) regular exercise and time outdoors 2) interacting with other adults and moms on a very regular basis (as least several times a week).  As long as I get those two things, I am can avoid burn-out.   I'm able to both of them without leaving my kids.  I do leave them, but I don't need to, to get those needs met.  I do go out on mom's night out, etc. but those are just fun for me, not a "sanity-saver"  My sanity saver is things like meeting friends at the playground/beach/pool or talking with neighbors outside while our kids play.


I never attended a LLL anything.  Here, they ONLY meet at 10 am on weekday mornings.  Pretty much excludes working mothers, many of whom could benefit a ton from a LLL group. 

 

There is nothing wrong with a mom needing time away from her kids.  Nothing at all.  If you don't need that, wonderful.  But don't look down on moms that do.  My dh works away from home all week.  Almost every Saturday afternoon, my mom takes my youngest son on an adventure.  Does that make me less of an AP parent?  Not at all, it strengthens his "village" and lets both of us take a break so when we are together again, neither of us are frustrated with the other.  And believe me, that kid is as attached as he can possibly be.  Allowing your kid to be around other people (and getting a break for you at the same time) doesn't make you a detached parent, it makes you a realistic one that would rather do that, than snap and take it out on the kids.  AP doesn't equal martyr.

 

Obviously something isn't working for the op.  Instead of posting that it's culture's fault and mom's aren't doing it right if they succumb to "culture", maybe it would be more helpful to give her permission to let some things go, to tell her it's ok to take some time from her kids. 

post #48 of 142


I don't necessarily disagree with you. I think society should be more child-friendly, too! However, I think that, while it's nice to vent about how our society is structured (and even to be activists to change it!), it's not particularly helpful to a mom who sounds desperate to say, "Yeah, you're burned out and it's society's fault." I think it's a separate and important conversation to have.

 

At the moment, though, something isn't working for the OP. And it could be that, in the best of all possible worlds, the OP would be fine because there'd be an intentional community for her to rely on and lots of understanding of moms with small children and we'd all be eating organic, wearing socks made from goat hair that we spun ourselves, while munching on our homegrown organic veggies. But that's not the world the OP seems to be living in. So what concrete things can the OP do to make her situation better?

 

Is she depressed or are there other physical issues going on?

Does she need more help from her DH/DP?

Does she need to quit tandem nursing or make other changes to lighten her burden?

Does she need more outside help?

All of the above?

 

Desperate times call for desperate measures. The OP sounds desperate to me. Pie in the sky rants about society don't seem like  enough to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliabedelia View Post

 

Well, I'm not the person you are asking this of, but for starters I would say that society could recognize the intrinsic value of mothering and of children.  Let's face it, our society really doesn't value mothering nor does it value children  Society doesn't value any job that doesn't involve a paycheck..  Perhaps if the OP felt her contributions to society were just as important and valuable as other people's (as they are).  Perhaps if society didn't see children as a burden, but rather as a blessing.  Sometimes all it takes is for someone to feel that they valuable and contributing to society in a meaningful way.   Perhaps if our lives were structured so a mother could go out in the world and learn new thing, interact with other people in a meaningful way, etc. WITHOUT feeling like she has to leave her young, breastfeeding infant behind.  La Leche League is really one of the only organizations (that I know of) that views nursing mothers as people able to both care for their babies AND help others/learn new things, interact, etc.  I LOVE La Leche Conferences for this reason..moms with nursing babies can attend very academic and interesting seminars WHILE keeping their nursling with them.  I wish the rest of society was set up like this, that nursing babies were more welcomed at places, allowing new moms to expand their horizons and receive further education without the need to leave a nursling behind

 

Our society is set up so there is huge dichotomy between activities/places/events for kids and those for adults..and never the two shall meet.  I think that contributes A LOT to burn-out.  There is always this dichotomy.  Either you are meeting the needs of the children or you are "taking time for yourself".  There ARE ways to work-out and exercise and learn new things and interact with other adults in a meaningful way WHILE taking care of your kids.  But, as a society, that isn't the norm. 

 

The two major things that help my sanity and keep me from feeling burned out are 1) regular exercise and time outdoors 2) interacting with other adults and moms on a very regular basis (as least several times a week).  As long as I get those two things, I am can avoid burn-out.   I'm able to both of them without leaving my kids.  I do leave them, but I don't need to, to get those needs met.  I do go out on mom's night out, etc. but those are just fun for me, not a "sanity-saver"  My sanity saver is things like meeting friends at the playground/beach/pool or talking with neighbors outside while our kids play.



 

post #49 of 142


Amen. Though some might say you're not "doing it right"! wink1.gif

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyantavid View Post




I never attended a LLL anything.  Here, they ONLY meet at 10 am on weekday mornings.  Pretty much excludes working mothers, many of whom could benefit a ton from a LLL group. 

 

There is nothing wrong with a mom needing time away from her kids.  Nothing at all.  If you don't need that, wonderful.  But don't look down on moms that do.  My dh works away from home all week.  Almost every Saturday afternoon, my mom takes my youngest son on an adventure.  Does that make me less of an AP parent?  Not at all, it strengthens his "village" and lets both of us take a break so when we are together again, neither of us are frustrated with the other.  And believe me, that kid is as attached as he can possibly be.  Allowing your kid to be around other people (and getting a break for you at the same time) doesn't make you a detached parent, it makes you a realistic one that would rather do that, than snap and take it out on the kids.  AP doesn't equal martyr.

 

Obviously something isn't working for the op.  Instead of posting that it's culture's fault and mom's aren't doing it right if they succumb to "culture", maybe it would be more helpful to give her permission to let some things go, to tell her it's ok to take some time from her kids. 



 

post #50 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by DariusMom View Post


Amen. Though some might say you're not "doing it right"! wink1.gif



 



Well I've certainly heard that before!

post #51 of 142

Funny Face,

 

What your kids want and need is... YOU.

 

That's it. That's what AP is about: A relationship. It is not about cloth diapering, homeschooling, or tandem nursing. It is about you and them, loving each other.

 

How you give them that -- and find yourself -- is so individual. Here's my thing: I arranged my life, pre-kids, so that I would be able to freelance from home. I hated it. I felt like I was never working enough and never parenting enough. I went back to work full time. I chose a Montessori for my son. I got myself back. We have a great relationship. This is probably not your path, but I promise you that as strange as it sounds, going back to work and finding a great little Montessori community for my son...was what preserved our attachment.

 

I agree with those who have said please start with enough help to get a nap - it's a great start. :)

post #52 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

It is most unhelpful to be told to stop homeschooling or breastfeeding when you suffer from depression. BTDT. I was part of a "homeschooling moms with depression" group and we dealt constantly with people telling us it would be better to stop homeschooling and go to work and get a life. It actually makes many mom's anxiety worse. The majority of those moms on our group who had tried to stop homeschooling, it made them suffer more from their depression because they had added more stress to their lives, both of school AND of doing something against their beliefs. If a parent is using public school, formula feeding, works full time, gets alone time every day, and is still depressed, what would you tell that parent?



This is probably all true. However, we don't know that the OP is depressed. She sounds more burned out than depressed to me (although I'm certainly not saying she isn't depressed - just that we don't know). The thing that stood out most to me in the OP was that she feels as though she's constantly meeting everyone else's needs and none of her own. That, to me, sounds like burn out. IMO and ime, the only ways to cope with that are 1) wait and see if it improves as the kids get older, which is a rough ride until and unless thigs improve, or 2) find some way to make changes, so that the stress isn't as constant. In OP's situation, that could mean weaning her older child, switching to disposable diapers (if that's less work for her - I find it six of one and half a dozen of the other, myself), consider public school, or a part-time daycare/preschool situation (ds2 was in preschool three mornings a week for a year, just so that I could have some time with dd1 without constant interruptions and chaos), or simply claiming a certain period of time (even 20-30 minutes) most days that are just for her - have a warm, relaxing bath, do some yoga, go for a walk, read a chapter or two...whatever she needs to do for herself.


If it's depression, the equation changes in some ways. But, it may not be.

post #53 of 142
OP, I couldn't read and not post. I'm sending you hugs and support. I hope you can talk to people around you and arrange some kind of support net so that you can get a break. You need to refill your cup too. That will make things better for everyone in your family, not just you. hug.gif
post #54 of 142

hug2.gif Thinking about you, OP.  Many of us have felt similar to you, so we understand.  I hope things get better for you asap.  hug2.gif

post #55 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

May be it's time to redefine "being a good mother." duck.gif

 

I don't know anything about you but what is on your signature -- you homeschool, tandum nurse, and use cloth diapers. You don't  have to. You can make different choices and make time for yourself in your life. Being a mother doesn't mean that every single minute of the day and night HAS to be about someone else. It is possible to be a good mother and have balance in your life.

 

 


Couldn't agree more! Sounds like you need a break and there's nothing wrong with that. We're moms, not superwomen. ((((HUGS))))

 

post #56 of 142
Thread Starter 

Thank you all for your kind replies, hugs and thoughts. I've been trying to get back to post but don't have free hands often.

 

I'll start by saying I've got an appt for counseling tomorrow night. I'm hoping it is a good fit.

 

I'm most frustrated that I try to balance everything and make sure I get some 'me time' but it just never. works. out. 

 

Like someone posted, I don't think giving up any of the 'extra' things I do would necessarily help. They are some of the things about mothering that make me feel like I'm part of the equation. Like I'm allowed to choose a little bit what being a parent is like for me. At times I've cut back on some of those things but I feel a little bit more at peace when I actually find a way to do the things I feel convicted to do. The hard part is not having any support in doing them. I think I would feel even more hopeless if I gave up on some of the things that matter to me.

 

My kids are 5, 2 and 6mo. I day dream sometimes about taking dd to school next year but I know that isn't the answer either because having a kid in school is hard work too! 

 

I absolutely feel sometimes like life is just impossible. My dh is depressed and isn't taking any steps to get better. It means that all of his lack of energy ends up falling on me to make up for it. It's been 6 years of trying to keep afloat.

 

 

I'm COMPLETELY overwhelmed. Every day feels like a race, a marathon.

 

Wanted to say more but baby is crying, again. greensad.gif

 

 

post #57 of 142

I think that allowing one's mind to open to new possibilities when one is unhappy and feels trapped can be VERY helpful. None of us knows the OPer well enough to know exactly what new possibilities make the most sense for her right now. I think we all agree that finding some time for herself would be moving in the right direction, but exactly how that plays out for different moms is very different.

 

It's really not about homeschooling vs. school, that's a side issue and most likely not a debate that is helpful to the OPer. Rather, the questions could be:

 

"Where can I let go?" 

"Whom can I ask for help?" 

"What would give me a feeling of relief right now?"

 

Many of us have gone through emotionally difficult times as moms, and we've found some of the same solutions (such has making our own needs a priority) and some different solutions (trading childcare with a friend vs preschool vs yoga class vs telling our DH's it's time to step up to the plate vs ________________________) The options are truly limitless.

 

Rather than getting hung up what options are *right* or *wrong,*  let's focus on what has worked for us without judging what has worked for others.

 

Peace

post #58 of 142


We double posted and I wanted to send you a hug. hug2.gif  Part of it truly is the age of your kids. Part of this really will get easier with time.

 

I hope your appointment goes really well.

 

post #59 of 142

 

Quote:

There is nothing wrong with a mom needing time away from her kids.  Nothing at all.  If you don't need that, wonderful.  But don't look down on moms that do.  My dh works away from home all week.  Almost every Saturday afternoon, my mom takes my youngest son on an adventure.  Does that make me less of an AP parent?  Not at all, it strengthens his "village" and lets both of us take a break so when we are together again, neither of us are frustrated with the other.  And believe me, that kid is as attached as he can possibly be.  Allowing your kid to be around other people (and getting a break for you at the same time) doesn't make you a detached parent, it makes you a realistic one that would rather do that, than snap and take it out on the kids.  AP doesn't equal martyr.

 

Obviously something isn't working for the op.  Instead of posting that it's culture's fault and mom's aren't doing it right if they succumb to "culture", maybe it would be more helpful to give her permission to let some things go, to tell her it's ok to take some time from her kids.

I never said there was.  I get away from my kids quite a lot   However, for me, 4 hours a week away from my kids is not enough.  I have MORE needs than that.  I have had to find ways to meet MY needs AND those of my kids at the same time.    There is nothing wrong if someone is totally happy with getting away from their kids once a week.  I need more than that.  I need to find ways to stimulate my mind, exercise my body  and interact with other adults on a daily, or even multiple-times a day basis.  *For me* getting away from my kids once a week would not do that for me.   All I'm saying it doesn't have to be either or...as in either i'm meeting my needs OR that of my kids.  I can meet MY need for stimulating reading WHILE nursing a baby.   I can meet MY needs for exercise WHILE pushing a toddler in a stroller or doing a workout video at home while kids nap.  I can meet MY needs to for creative outlet (in my case baking, blogging and writing) while my kids play around the house.   I can meet MY needs for social time while our kids play at the playground.   Again, I have nothing against leaving my kids.  I leave mine quite a lot.  But I need MORE than just what I get from leaving my kids a few hours a week.  I need to find ways to meet my needs and those of my kids at the same time.  And, ALL I am saying is that it IS possible.  Yes, getting away from kids is great and can help.   Trust, me I am NOT a martyr...very far from it.   I have always encouraged my children to learn to play independently and entertain themselves.  I encourage my older child to help her siblings, I  teach my kids from a young age to clean up after themselves..  I teach my kids to not bother me when I am working out (granted that doesn't work so well with a baby, but the 6-yo can certainly learn that and the 2-you can to a degree as well).

 

Quote:

 

I think that, while it's nice to vent about how our society is structured (and even to be activists to change it!), it's not particularly helpful to a mom who sounds desperate to say,

 

Maybe it is. 

 

The OP just posted:

 

Quote:
The hard part is not having any support in doing them. I think I would feel even more hopeless if I gave up on some of the things that matter to me.

 

 

Maybe what she needs is to hear that what she is doing is VALUABLE and IMPORTANT and WORTHWHILE...because society sure isn't telling her that.  And, apparently neither are the people on this thread.  The OP obviously believes in homeschooling and tandem nursing and clothing diapers, if she does them.   It's not helpful to say, oh "those things are too time-consuming, too hard, you're burnt-out,  put the kid in school, wean the 2-yo old and use disposables."   That would be going against the things SHE feels are important and valuable TO HER.  Maybe having someone else say "yes, those things are important, yes, the contributions to your child's education  you are making ARE worthwhile, yes the sacrifices you make ARE valuable, you are a worthy, valuable, contributor to society by being a SAH, homeschooling, tandem nursing, cloth diapering mom" would be helpful.   Maybe some encouragement to stick with where she is (along with making small changes to make things easier, perhaps get more time to herself, get her husband to help more, etc.) would be more helpful than suggesting she is burnt-out and needs to throw away everything she feels is valuable.  Because, that is what society is saying.  Society says you aren't worthwhile unless you bring home a paycheck.  Society says that a certified teacher who brings home a paycheck is better able to educate her child than SHE is.    Sometimes it can be really hard to go against society, to realize that you aren't alone, and that other people believe in the same things and that the work you do (even if not paid or appreciated) IS valuable and worthwhile work.

 

OP...what type of support DO you have.  Have you joined homeschool groups?  Made friends with other homeschoolers?  Know other moms who tandem nurse (maybe through LLL)?  These types of support, of being with other people who believe in the same things can help a lot.

post #60 of 142


oh come on . . . no one is telling her what she's doing isn't valuable! People are offering concrete suggestions based on what she posted and based on their own experiences. These suggestions may or may not resonate with the OP and she can take or leave them. But not one person has said that what she's doing isn't valuable or important or worthwhile. What people are saying is that when a person is desperate enough to post that she wishes she weren't a wife or mother anymore, that something has to change. Moreover, people are saying that, as nice as it would be for society to change in all sorts of intrinsic ways to value her tandem nursing and cloth-diapering, that ain't gonna' happen anytime soon. Therefore, what *can* she do *now* to help resolve a desperate situation? thus far, I've yet to read what concrete solutions you're suggesting? (other than offering yourself up as a paragon of attachment parenting. . .. . )

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliabedelia View Post


Maybe what she needs is to hear that what she is doing is VALUABLE and IMPORTANT and WORTHWHILE...because society sure isn't telling her that.  And, apparently neither are the people on this thread.  The OP obviously believes in homeschooling and tandem nursing and clothing diapers, if she does them.   It's not helpful to say, oh "those things are too time-consuming, too hard, you're burnt-out,  put the kid in school, wean the 2-yo old and use disposables."   That would be going against the things SHE feels are important and valuable TO HER.  Maybe having someone else say "yes, those things are important, yes, the contributions to your child's education  you are making ARE worthwhile, yes the sacrifices you make ARE valuable, you are a worthy, valuable, contributor to society by being a SAH, homeschooling, tandem nursing, cloth diapering mom" would be helpful.   Maybe some encouragement to stick with where she is (along with making small changes to make things easier, perhaps get more time to herself, get her husband to help more, etc.) would be more helpful than suggesting she is burnt-out and needs to throw away everything she feels is valuable.  Because, that is what society is saying.  Society says you aren't worthwhile unless you bring home a paycheck.  Society says that a certified teacher who brings home a paycheck is better able to educate her child than SHE is.    Sometimes it can be really hard to go against society, to realize that you aren't alone, and that other people believe in the same things and that the work you do (even if not paid or appreciated) IS valuable and worthwhile work.

 

 

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