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I don't want to be a wife and mother anymore. - Page 4

post #61 of 142

Funny Face--I am sorry you are feeling this way.  I think most of us go through periods of time where we can relate in one way or another.  So glad to hear you are taking care of yourself by heading to the counselor.  What about your DH?  It sounds like he needs to own his issues with depression and get some help too.  It must be a lot of work without another person able to help you out. 

post #62 of 142

OP--I haven't read all the replies so I don't know if this was mentioned, but I think I noticed in another recent thread that you just made some major dietary chances recently?  I don't know how long you've been feeling this way, but I know diet changes can really affect the way you feel while your body adjusts.  Just thought I'd throw that out there as something else to possibly explore.  hug2.gif

post #63 of 142

Funny Face- I homeschool also, and when #3 was a tiny baby my dh went through a depression. And he worked 2nd shift. It was horrible for me, I felt totally alone. Also we were broke, with one car, and I was stuck at home. #3 was a high-needs baby. I was SO ANGRY at dh for being depressed, why didn't he pull out of it like I always did? Why did he have to sleep all the damn time when he wasn't working? Why wouldn't he get up and help with the kids? And why wouldn't he go get help? Of course I was in my own depression(which was I think a combination of ppd and having a high needs baby, it was all hard to handle for me). And we had just moved, and dh started a new job. At the time it was so overwhelming I wanted to beat everyone and leave forever. There were so many factors affecting us both and neither one of us I guess worried about pulling the other through it. We both eventually did come out ok and now 8 years later things are perfect between us(except now we have 2 teenagers, gah!!) But I do look back on those months as being dark. It was just a dark time in my life.

 

I never did stop homeschooling, or breastfeeding, I remember being told to stop and get a job. The idea of that made me feel sick. Maybe I'd have gotten used to it, I don't know. But it got bad enough that I searched yahoo groups for "depression" + "homeschool" and found a wonderful group of moms. I don't know if it's still there, but if not there should be others.

 

As my kids all got older, I felt freer and freer. My youngest became less attached and I was able to go out with friends. Dh came out of his depression somehow and things got better, we grew up more. I have a feeling his experience showed him what I went through with depression and he seemed to be more understanding. Has this been a longer-term depression with your husband?

 

Whatever the case, I hope you find some relief soon. I am lucky that my two best friends studying psychology in college. That helps so much. If you feel like it, I'd like to hear how you're doing after counseling. Feel free to private message me also.

post #64 of 142

 

Quote:

Therefore, what *can* she do *now* to help resolve a desperate situation? thus far, I've yet to read what concrete solutions you're suggesting? (other than offering yourself up as a paragon of attachment parenting. . .. . )

 

Huh...I never once said I was a paragon of attachment parenting??.  In fact, I said repeatedly that I leave my kids quite often.  And, I teach them to be independent and help out so it's not all on me to entertain them and do everything for them.   All of which probably makes me "less AP" in some people's minds.  I don't spend hours a day reading stories or playing with my kids. I let them entertain themselves a lot, even from a younger age.

 

Fine..you want concrete examples of things I've done to do when I was burnt out or at the end of my rope.

 

1) put a movie on for the older 2 and take a nap with the baby.

2) put the 2 little ones in a double stroller and take a walk with the older one riding a bike

3) Leave the 6-yo with a neighbor, friend/etc. and take a walk with the younger 2 in a stroller (probably more relaxing than number 2).

4) Take a moment when the kids are playing together nicely to blog or journal.

5) Meet friends at a safe, toddler-friendly park, sit on a grassy shady area and chill and talk for a couple of hours while the 6 yo and 2 yo play

6)  Call a friend, and teach your kids not to bother you when on the phone.

7) Pay the 6-yo to play with the 2-yo and entertain him/her and read a book, watch a movie, knit, crochet, whatever you like

8) Hire a mother's helper to help clean or watch the kids while you clean (ok, so I've never done this, but it can work).

9) Leave the older 2 at home and take the baby to a coffee shop or park and sit and read and sip a coffee/tea/etc.

 

All I'm saying is that every second of every day doesn't have to be all about the kids..even when you are WITH the kids.  And, that probably makes me much less of a paragon of AP than most others on this board. 

 

post #65 of 142

I am glad that lack of support isn't an issue for you. I was posting about me and my needs.

post #66 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

Thank you all for your kind replies, hugs and thoughts. I've been trying to get back to post but don't have free hands often.

 

I'll start by saying I've got an appt for counseling tomorrow night. I'm hoping it is a good fit.

 

I'm most frustrated that I try to balance everything and make sure I get some 'me time' but it just never. works. out. 

 

Like someone posted, I don't think giving up any of the 'extra' things I do would necessarily help. They are some of the things about mothering that make me feel like I'm part of the equation. Like I'm allowed to choose a little bit what being a parent is like for me. At times I've cut back on some of those things but I feel a little bit more at peace when I actually find a way to do the things I feel convicted to do. The hard part is not having any support in doing them. I think I would feel even more hopeless if I gave up on some of the things that matter to me.

 

My kids are 5, 2 and 6mo. I day dream sometimes about taking dd to school next year but I know that isn't the answer either because having a kid in school is hard work too! 

 

I absolutely feel sometimes like life is just impossible. My dh is depressed and isn't taking any steps to get better. It means that all of his lack of energy ends up falling on me to make up for it. It's been 6 years of trying to keep afloat.

 

 

I'm COMPLETELY overwhelmed. Every day feels like a race, a marathon.

 

Wanted to say more but baby is crying, again. greensad.gif

 

 



I don't think anyone was trying to say that you should give those things up, but that you can if you want to. Sometimes, our choices can begin to feel like obligations and giving ourselves permission to make other choices can help us realize what is or isn't really important.

 

And good luck tonight.

 

post #67 of 142

big hug!!! i feel like that sometimes too. Tell me it's not just us!

post #68 of 142

hug2.gif Really sorry you're going through this difficult time. I hope that your appointment went well tonight... counseling can provide a lot of insight & power to make needed changes.

 

post #69 of 142

quote doesn't work for me ...

 

 

 

I'll start by saying I've got an appt for counseling tomorrow night. I'm hoping it is a good fit.

 
Good luck with the appointment - it's a great idea.

 

 

 

I'm most frustrated that I try to balance everything and make sure I get some 'me time' but it just never. works. out. 

 
This may be the first problem you can try to solve with the help of a counselor, how to get some time for yourself - it sounds like you really need it.  For now and in the long run.
 
 
 

Like someone posted, I don't think giving up any of the 'extra' things I do would necessarily help. They are some of the things about mothering that make me feel like I'm part of the equation. Like I'm allowed to choose a little bit what being a parent is like for me. At times I've cut back on some of those things but I feel a little bit more at peace when I actually find a way to do the things I feel convicted to do. The hard part is not having any support in doing them. I think I would feel even more hopeless if I gave up on some of the things that matter to me.

 
I know what you mean.  If and when you're ready to compromise or give up on anything, you'll - know - it.
 

 

 

 

My kids are 5, 2 and 6mo. I day dream sometimes about taking dd to school next year but I know that isn't the answer either because having a kid in school is hard work too! 

 

You're right, it can be hard work too even once the kid is in school.  But if I were you, I'd entertain the idea a little longer. Sometimes, the school have a parent orientation for incoming students - perhaps you can attend just to check things out?  You don't have to decide anything.

 

 

 

I absolutely feel sometimes like life is just impossible. My dh is depressed and isn't taking any steps to get better. It means that all of his lack of energy ends up falling on me to make up for it. It's been 6 years of trying to keep afloat.

 
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry hug2.gif  I don't know what to tell you - that'd be hard for a spouse even without any children.
 
 

 

I'm COMPLETELY overwhelmed. Every day feels like a race, a marathon.

 
You'll figure it out, take it one baby step at a time - don't forget we're here, use the online support here. hug2.gif
 

 

 

 

 
post #70 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by DariusMom View Post


oh come on . . . no one is telling her what she's doing isn't valuable! People are offering concrete suggestions based on what she posted and based on their own experiences. These suggestions may or may not resonate with the OP and she can take or leave them. But not one person has said that what she's doing isn't valuable or important or worthwhile. What people are saying is that when a person is desperate enough to post that she wishes she weren't a wife or mother anymore, that something has to change. Moreover, people are saying that, as nice as it would be for society to change in all sorts of intrinsic ways to value her tandem nursing and cloth-diapering, that ain't gonna' happen anytime soon. Therefore, what *can* she do *now* to help resolve a desperate situation? thus far, I've yet to read what concrete solutions you're suggesting? (other than offering yourself up as a paragon of attachment parenting. . .. . )

 

 


 

 

Guys, please go back and read the OP's first post.  Please stop bickering.  Take it to PM.  Let's concentrate on offering this mama some support.  She doesn't need to have a debate break out on this thread.

 

Funny Face .... 

 

I am so sorry about your husband.  How well I know what that is like to have to "carry" someone who is depressed.  It literally can kill all the life, energy and joy in your life.  My DH is going thru a very stressful time job-wise right now.  And he plummets and spirals down for several days a week.  And I have to carry the entire family emotionally.  Most especially him.  It is so freaking draining.  And this has been going on for about a year only.   

 

I am not depressed, but I see how my husband's depressed moods completely drown away my joy .... 

 

 

So just more hugs .... there is a lot of good advice here ... of women who have taken on a life like yours ... a life dedicated to your kids and an amazing lifestyle (one I didn' t have even half enough energy to do myself) .... I hope you find some answers and support here.

 

((((((((hug)))))))))

 

post #71 of 142

just wanted to offer some hugs, I hope you get the help you need soon. Having a depressed husband on top of everything else must just be so hard.

post #72 of 142

Long terms, having parents who are not depressed and resentful of each other and the children, is more important to the children's future than all the cloth diapers, hours of homeschooling and tandem nursing put together.  I am saying as person had a childhood with a depressed mother and as person who read studies on this subject.

 

I have a husband who had deep depression. It  very very had to be married to someone ill. While society if very kind towards spouses who are caregiver to cancer victim...we do not have the same attitude about men tall illness.

 

I am so glad to hear you are seeing a counselor. Marriage counseling may also help

 

Depression can be very biochemical and can requires meds, It can be environmental and one simply needs to change eatery ones attitude toward the circumcise or one's circumstance.  I hate my job and I have 2 choices: get another one or find something I like about my current job.

This is something you can explore with your therapist.

 

I hope you and your husband will get better.

post #73 of 142

You're absolutely right! redface.gif

 

OP, I'm sorry things are so tough for you now. I'm glad you're getting counseling and I hope your DH can get some help, too. Hang in there.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Subhuti View Post



Guys, please go back and read the OP's first post.  Please stop bickering.  Take it to PM.  Let's concentrate on offering this mama some support.  She doesn't need to have a debate break out on this thread.

 



 

post #74 of 142

I didn't have time to read any of the replies, so I hope I'm not saying anything that was already talked about..... (sorry if so).....

 

I have wondered what the solution would be if I eventually have those feelings, and I've wondered why some women seem to get "burnt out" more quickly than others. I think a lot of it lies in your hubby (talking generally, not yours specifically) and how often he does things that give you a break (whatever that might be).

 

So basically, if it isn't depression, I think what it comes down to is....support from the spouse. I do think that support isn't always easily gained (depending on your husband's disposition, habits, upbringing, etc). So what I'm going to say below is basically how things work for us. I consider myself lucky, that my spouse adapted pretty easily to taking care of me when I needed it, emotionally. If it doesn't come easy, it may take some conversations to get there (more on that below).

 

Anyways, I think it depends on the woman, what helps her feel "free" or better. First of all, my husband has figured out how to tell when I need help.....by seeing if I look/act exhausted and frustrated, or by just listening for me to tell him, "honey, I need ______." I don't use the word "need" lightly, so when I use it, he knows I mean it. About 20% of the time, he'll drop the ball and not help out when I use that word, but then I get upset, and he realizes quickly that he screwed up big time. (yes, it sounds like I have him whipped, but it's moreso that we each try to step up to the plate and help the other person when we know they really need it. I do the same for him, so that is the key to this working).

 

In terms of what makes me happy and helps me (just as a point of reference): I hate to drive around here, though I do it sometimes. So for me, him going out and getting me whatever fruit smoothie I want from Whole Foods, then whatever chocolate bar I want, then just letting me veg in front of the TV and doing the dishes, is enough to "reset" me. Sometimes it takes a few days though, of him knowing I'm going through a rough time, and him just trying to get more done around the house for me. I don't ever need anything fancy, but just him driving somewhere to grab me whatever treat I want, often helps. But he will normally do this when I need it, be it once a month, or three times a month. I think that knowing I can lean on him, and just get a "free pass" for an hour, really helps.

 

It means a lot to me to know that if I ever get sick of being a housewife, he is there to prop me up until I'm enjoying myself again. (If you are depressed though, obviously it would take more than that.....you can't really lean on someone else to get through depression; it just doesn't work like that, and it will often make things worse because you then exhaust the people closest to you, in addition to your being "spent"). So back to him being there for me......I just can't imagine this "job" of being a housewife/mother without having your partner's support. I think that is basically the key.

 

Now, you catch more flies with honey than .....something bitter???? (forget the saying). Anyways, if you think this could just be a lack of support and not depression (but if it is depression, don't bother taking this route...) I would just tell your partner NICELY that you have been feeling really worn down by ......-either not focusing much on yourself/having downtime......or, -by not feeling like you have much support from him (and give practical examples of what he could be doing, like washing dishes every other night, cleaning the coffeemaker, listening more, voicing appreciation more, etc....since "support" is very vague and most people won't know what you want them to do). Basically, you want to come from a place of love and "I want to make this work for us", because adults don't like feeling like their spouse is ordering them around. So just saying, "please start doing X" is often not interpreted well. But basically, I do think it would be good for you to suggest ways that your spouse could be lifting you up. Figure out what you need, then (very respectfully) suggest/ask for it. I find that most rational, kind adults will try to help someone out when they realize it will make life in the home happier and smoother. And this job is too hard to do, without feeling like we are respected and our partners and kids will do things to appreciate Mom! Maybe your spouse could try getting your kids involved too, in special things to do for mom, to make her life/job/sanity better.

 

Sidenote: Be sure also that he feels HIS needs are being met (you may have to ask him this question). Because it can be pointless to ask someone to meet your needs, if you don't make sure theirs are being met. So if your requests for help aren't working, you may want to ask, "Do you feel I'm meeting your needs? Is there anything I can/should be doing differently?" I know this seems very ironic considering the original post here, but maybe he is acting out because he has "a bone to pick" about something, or is bitter about something, and that's why he isn't puling through and supporting you. So it's good to just be sure that isn't the case, if these "please help me" convos aren't getting you anywhere.

 

Sometimes the solution is just to show genuine care and interest for your spouse, and then all of a sudden, they start doing the same for you (then your job becomes easier). Sometimes I've noticed that if I do a small favor for my hubby that is unexepected, he'll often "return the favor" five-fold. Then before I know it, my life starts looking easier, because of a seed I planted. I know it sounds terribly ironic, but it is honestly what has worked for me. I don't have kids though, so I'm not sure how it factors in with children.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!! Blessings.......

 

 


Edited by bobcat - 6/30/11 at 3:23am
post #75 of 142

Also, one thing I've noticed helps me, is to think back to the last time I felt really good. (even if that was 10 years ago!) What kind of music was I listening to? What was I doing with my free time? What was I eating? Sometimes just simple "throwbacks" can change your attitude. Even though you are a wife and mommy now, it doesn't mean you can't do things that "scream" YOU. Like get back into an old hobby that made you happy, blast your favorite band from your speakers, etc. I know it sounds corny, but it does kinda work, from my experience.

 

It may be time to make some changes in your daily routines. Don't make any one thing in your life an "idol." Like I had to give up a few healthy habits, just to get my sanity back. But I am healhier now overall, because of it.

 

Some people will disagree with me on this......but if it's depression, I'd urge you to see a psychiatrist. It is amazing how an SSRI like Zoloft can bring a person back to their old self, in some cases. I think some of them can be taken while breastfeeding, but I'm not sure.

 

Then there are things like 5-HTP that are natural (I wouldn't combine it with meds, etc). If you go to iherb.com, there are often hundreds of reviews for products (the NOW brand is popular among reviewers, so I normally find lots of reviews under those). I have used those reviews to help me decide what to order, when no money was available to see a naturopath. On iherb.com, you can also just click on a health condition like "Depression" and they will give suggestions, then you can read the reviews. I do that a lot, on that site. Good luck.

post #76 of 142


Darius Mom ... I should have edited to ad... that I am sorry for singling you out . ... AND what you are discussing is valid ... but ... you get my point.  :)  DM -- I love your posts and always enjoy what you have to say, BTW.  :)

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by DariusMom View Post

You're absolutely right! redface.gif

 

OP, I'm sorry things are so tough for you now. I'm glad you're getting counseling and I hope your DH can get some help, too. Hang in there.
 



 



 

post #77 of 142

 

Quote:

May be it's time to redefine "being a good mother." duck.gif

 

I don't know anything about you but what is on your signature -- you homeschool, tandum nurse, and use cloth diapers. You don't  have to. You can make different choices and make time for yourself in your life. Being a mother doesn't mean that every single minute of the day and night HAS to be about someone else. It is possible to be a good mother and have balance in your life. 

Agreed.

 

Redefine. Reframe.

 

And even if it's just for a few hours, put some distance between you and all the "stuff", have some fun, take a rest, eat something yummy, and give yourself the opportunity to have a different perspective.

post #78 of 142

How are you doing today?

 

Sending a vibe and a prayer that you have clarity and peace.

 

hug2.gif

 


Edited by purslaine - 6/30/11 at 9:06am
post #79 of 142
Quote:

Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

 

At times I've cut back on some of those things but I feel a little bit more at peace when I actually find a way to do the things I feel convicted to do.


 


 

It really stands out to me that the word you use to explain why you parent the way you do is the same word used for someone who is guilty of crime and will now be punished. The words we use the the way we think about things are EXTREMELY powerful. Without getting into *what* you are doing, I think it would be very freeing for you to re-frame your parenting in terms that are less about deserving and receiving punishment.

 

I also think that a lot of this thread has ended up being about parenting, but I think a huge chunk of the problem is your marriage. You might double post on parents as partners.

post #80 of 142

You said some of this has been going on for six years....Leviticus 25 mentions the sabbatical year: a year of rest after six years of working.  It sounds like you could really use this kind of rest.  It's not easy to implement in our modern culture and economy--I've had to keep working at my "day job" during mine--but I pray that God will help you find your way to one soon. 

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