I've been checking back in as I could and reading a few responses at a time. You all have given me a lot to think about. And mostly I wanted to say that I am so thankful to have somewhere safe where I can say such a taboo thing.
I'm going to try to answer some questions.
I did start eating vegan about 3-4 months ago. While I have felt this way longer than that, I might still go in for some blood work and a physical because a deficiency could certainly be contributing to how intense things feel for me now. I've had my thyroid checked in the past because of how tired and physically depressed I felt but everything was fine. I just needed rest and sleep, apparently.
My dh has been depressed since we married. It is easier to see in retrospect as he always had reasons he was depressed before. I've felt this overwhelming need to run away off and on for 2 years now but I was holding out hope that when he graduated from school we had a chance to make things better and that maybe I would have the support I needed from him. 6 months out now and things have not improved to the degree that I'd hoped. And he is still depressed and I realized, after writing my OP that he has never done anything to get help other than make excuses.
I've been enabling him by holding his life up for him and I'm going to have to stop. Hopefully counseling will help me with that. This counselor also does marriage counseling so that will help (though we've been in marriage counseling nearly half of our marriage).
I've kept saying I need help and support. I could not make it any clearer. But he either feels attacked that he's 'never good enough' or he makes promises he never keeps.
I finally called my mom and told her I needed help. I asked if I could pay her to watch the kids a few hours a week so I can clean the house. A trashed house is a huge anxiety trigger for me and being able to clean in peace and reap the benefits will do me some good.
Finances are hard right now. We are in debt and trying to pay it off while one thing after another comes up. I am solely responsible for finances and that is a huge stress right now too.
On top of that I have finally figured out that my dd has what is called a 'feeding disorder' and am finally seeking help. I thought all this time that if I just tried harder or tried another strategy that I could help her learn to like food. 5 years of feeding nightmares and I find out there is a name for such a thing. I feel TERRIBLE that I couldn't know this sooner but hopeful that there is help on the horizon.
If I think back to the last time I was REALLY happy it was when I was first married and dd was a baby. I've tried to remain positive since then and pull myself up by my bootstraps but it has been a constant struggle. I think I was happy then because I had one child who I felt capable of meeting her needs and looked forward to what life would bring for her. I was a SAHM going back to school and still thought that dh just needed more support and he would learn to enjoy life too.
Most of the time I think that if I could just eat a meal when I'm actually hungry, or call a friend without someone climbing on top of the fridge or plan an outing where I don't have to drag someone kicking and screaming back home that I could fair much better.
I also had this idea that if I parented my children with respect and gentleness that I would, over time, receive that back from them. That a non violent home would mean that I didn't have a 5 year old who kicked and spit at me and saw me as an ally instead of a big, fat meanie.
I resent that there are people out there in the world who work and are appreciated and valued and they get off work and ask themselves what they would like to eat for dinner, if they would like to take a bath or watch a movie and are then able to do those things.
And I work just as hard 24/7 and no one sees, no one cares. In fact my husband thinks our life is 'all about me' and that I am controlling and impossible to please.
I'm sorry I couldn't respond to each post individually, I would have liked too because there were so many good thoughts and good questions. I so appreciate all of your support.