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I don't want to be a wife and mother anymore. - Page 5

post #81 of 142
Thread Starter 

 

I've been checking back in as I could and reading a few responses at a time. You all have given me a lot to think about. And mostly I wanted to say that I am so thankful to have somewhere safe where I can say such a taboo thing.

 

I'm going to try to answer some questions.

 

I did start eating vegan about 3-4 months ago. While I have felt this way longer than that, I might still go in for some blood work and a physical because a deficiency could certainly be contributing to how intense things feel for me now. I've had my thyroid checked in the past because of how tired and physically depressed I felt but everything was fine. I just needed rest and sleep, apparently. 

 

My dh has been depressed since we married. It is easier to see in retrospect as he always had reasons he was depressed before. I've felt this overwhelming need to run away off and on for 2 years now but I was holding out hope that when he graduated from school we had a chance to make things better and that maybe I would have the support I needed from him. 6 months out now and things have not improved to the degree that I'd hoped. And he is still depressed and I realized, after writing my OP that he has never done anything to get help other than make excuses.

 

I've been enabling him by holding his life up for him and I'm going to have to stop. Hopefully counseling will help me with that. This counselor also does marriage counseling so that will help (though we've been in marriage counseling nearly half of our marriage).

 

I've kept saying I need help and support. I could not make it any clearer. But he either feels attacked that he's 'never good enough' or he makes promises he never keeps.

 

I finally called my mom and told her I needed help. I asked if I could pay her to watch the kids a few hours a week so I can clean the house. A trashed house is a huge anxiety trigger for me and being able to clean in peace and reap the benefits will do me some good.

 

Finances are hard right now. We are in debt and trying to pay it off while one thing after another comes up. I am solely responsible for finances and that is a huge stress right now too.

 

On top of that I have finally figured out that my dd has what is called a 'feeding disorder' and am finally seeking help. I thought all this time that if I just tried harder or tried another strategy that I could help her learn to like food. 5 years of feeding nightmares and I find out there is a name for such a thing. I feel TERRIBLE that I couldn't know this sooner but hopeful that there is help on the horizon.

 

If I think back to the last time I was REALLY happy it was when I was first married and dd was a baby. I've tried to remain positive since then and pull myself up by my bootstraps but it has been a constant struggle. I think I was happy then because I had one child who I felt capable of meeting her needs and looked forward to what life would bring for her. I was a SAHM going back to school and still thought that dh just needed more support and he would learn to enjoy life too. 

 

Most of the time I think that if I could just eat a meal when I'm actually hungry, or call a friend without someone climbing on top of the fridge or plan an outing where I don't have to drag someone kicking and screaming back home that I could fair much better.

 

I also had this idea that if I parented my children with respect and gentleness that I would, over time, receive that back from them. That a non violent home would mean that I didn't have a 5 year old who kicked and spit at me and saw me as an ally instead of a big, fat meanie.

 

I resent that there are people out there in the world who work and are appreciated and valued and they get off work and ask themselves what they would like to eat for dinner, if they would like to take a bath or watch a movie and are then able to do those things.

 

And I work just as hard 24/7 and no one sees, no one cares. In fact my husband thinks our life is 'all about me' and that I am controlling and impossible to please.

 

I'm sorry I couldn't respond to each post individually, I would have liked too because there were so many good thoughts and good questions. I so appreciate all of your support.

 
post #82 of 142

Wow! What a lot of stressors in your life.

 

Hooray for you for calling your mom and asking for help. That's a huge step and it's often very hard to tell people close to you that you're not doing well and you need help. I totally understand about the messy house causing anxiety. If you can get a support network of people who can give you some help and some relief, that would be great. Just remember that until very recently, we lived in villages where we had a network of mothers, aunts, cousins, friends who could watch the kids for us and with us. The industrial revolution put an end to lots of that, but our biology still really would like that village.

 

I'm hoping the counselor can help you figure out what you need to do and how you can help reduce some of the stress in your life -- being the one who's in charge of finances, kids, the house, etc. is really really stressful. I wish there was an easy way to get your husband in for counseling/meds, but you can't fix him and you can't make him change.

 

How much of your dd's behavior do you think is due to her feeding disorder? If she's not eating or if eating is causing her pain/discomfort, then no, she may not respond to typical methods of discipline. I have a child with very mild special needs (sensory issues), and when he was younger, I kept wondering why on earth the techniques in the books didn't work for him. It's gotten much better as he's gotten older, but he's not a textbook child for some things. I guess my point is: Don't blame yourself for things not working. You're doing the best you can in a difficult situation -- a child with feeding issues, three kids under 5, the stress of school/money, a husband who's depressed. Any one of those can make discipline more difficult. (Yes, kids pick up on the fact that their parent is depressed, and yes, it stresses them out. My family of origin is a testament to that.)

 

It sounds like you're taking some positive concrete steps. Keep reminding yourself of the positive steps you've taken -- you've called your mom. You've figured out the feeding disorder. You've called for a counselor. Each one of those is a positive step. Give yourself a small pat on the back. (And a chocolate chip for each one, just to get those little happy chemicals going!)

post #83 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

 

...

I resent that there are people out there in the world who work and are appreciated and valued and they get off work and ask themselves what they would like to eat for dinner, if they would like to take a bath or watch a movie and are then able to do those things.

 

And I work just as hard 24/7 and no one sees, no one cares. In fact my husband thinks our life is 'all about me' and that I am controlling and impossible to please.

 

...

 


O.M.G. This is so me. I used to get so angry and jealous when DH would be 20 minutes late from work b/c he stopped on the way home for a haircut. Or he'd walk in with a bag from the drugstore/grocery store with snacks he got during work or something he needed to pick up real quick. Nothing is "real quick" when you have little ones, except maybe your temper. I would be LIVID. And then I would get questioned on why the house was such a mess if I was actually here all day and had 9 hours to clean it up. And THEN he would go ahead and give the baby the one thing I had JUST cleaned up, only to have it a mess again. I seriously couldn't figure out how to keep from killing him, and he would start in on me for being a control freak b/c why can't he just give the baby that? (And yeah, I was a control freak. Now I just don't care...) I feel ya. I hope having your mom come will help. Don't forget to NAP -- don't just clean!

 

post #84 of 142

 

 

From what I've read in your posts, it sounds to me like you are at a stage now where you absolutely must focus on your own needs and your kids needs.  Sometimes when we're as overwhelmed as you feel now, it's simply not possible to worry about what another adult is or isn't doing for themself and the family, you have to focus on YOU no matter what others have to say about it.

 

You are awesome and doing the right things by going to a counselor and asking your mom to watch the kids a bit so you can clean.  Those are amazing first steps!  Now it's about what you need to do to help yourself get a bit more rest, feel a bit more in control, and just feel a bit better.  That may include asking your husband to take specific actions - like when you tell him you need more support, are you clear about what that looks like for you?  In my opinion it would help you to think about specific steps your husband could take that would help you better manage what you have.  Like do you need a standing 3 hour period on Saturdays where you need him to watch the kids while you do grocery shopping or take a walk or whatever you need for you?  Can he take the kids to a playdate or a relative's while you do bills or things you need to do in the house?  Being specific is important when talking to a spouse/partner about your needs.

 

And if he's unwilling or unable to take those steps, that's something you have to take into consideration as you get to figuring out what to do about your marriage. 

 

It sounds like you already know your marriage isn't working, especially if your husband has issues he's not working on and only making excuses about.  But when you feel as down and overwhelmed as you do, that's a hard perspective from which to make big decisions about what to do.  Focus on your own wellbeing, don't feel selfish for a second!  That will help you take better care of your kids and be better able to make good decisions about your relationship and life.

 

Also consider that if your kids feel off the chain/hard to handle, partly it's probably because of their ages, but also they are living in a household where their parents are struggling.  That is hard for you, your husband, AND your kids.  It's very possible that as you find ways to feel better and meet your own needs better, your kids may start to feel more manageable as well.  There are so many pluses to identifying your specific needs and figuring out how to meet them.

 

You deserve to love your life... we all do.  And you DO have power to make changes, but you've got to get on more stable ground and feel a bit healthier before you'll probably be able to see what to do.

 

Best of you luck, you are amazing for seeing that things are not working and seeking solutions.  You'll be ok!  Better than ok eventually!

post #85 of 142
Thread Starter 

Thank you. luxlove.gif

 

I do think that my daughter is suffering anxiety and I have a feeling it is coming from us (her parents) and the fact we are stressed. She's like an animal to try to take care of right now. It makes me feel both angry and guilty. Angry that she is so unmanageable and guilty because it's my fault. 

 

Life just continued to unravel today. 

 

My car has been in the shop 3 times in the last 2 months. Twice they couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. Really it's just old.

 

So we got a great offer to buy a friend's older, garage kept car but it would be so much more reliable and for such a good price! But we recently spent our savings on fixing the car and such so I was going to take a loan out at the credit union to pay the small amount for the car. They called to tell me that we would be approved easily but my account still has my dad on it (from when I originally joined) and he is delinquent and unresponsive so they won't loan me money. censored.gif  I'm so angry at my dad. Long story but he's irresponsible and of course doesn't consider how his actions affect others. 

 

Driving home from finding that out my car died. It's 103 degrees here and I had to bail the kids out of the car and walk to shade until dh could come get us. Except his car isn't big enough for all of us so I had to ride in the back (trunk area) of his Pathfinder and the baby had to ride in the front seat. 

 

I was suppose to get to go work out at the gym tomorrow. But now I don't have a car. And we can't get a loan for another car. And now we have no savings. This is my life. Over and over.

 

And this also means that I can't get to counseling. Of course. Of course this would happen. greensad.gif This is exactly what I meant when I said I try so hard to take care of myself and it just NEVER WORKS OUT! The universe hates me. 

 

And if we have to put more money on the credit card to fix the car I won't be able to use the money to pay my mom to watch the kids. And of course the car will break again. Just like it always does.  

 

I really and truly hate my life right now. I try as hard as I can. I do everything I can. I try so. fucking. hard. For nothing.

 

And there's no way out. Just a cycle of awfulness.

 

Oh, and on top of everything dh is spitting angry that I put his empty beer bottles in his room this morning. He leaves them for me to clean up so I was fed up this morning and put them on the desk in his room. And he is piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssed. Hugely. Because that is the worst thing someone could ever do to you, obviously.

post #86 of 142

((((((((((((((((((oh my god the biggest hug to you))))))))))))))))))

 

it is SO hard when it feels as if the universe conspires against you....

 

your dad

your husband

even your car....

 

it does sound like you can't get a break....

 

I'm sending you love and strength because I can't think what else to do ... you are an amazing amazon woman inside, that is clear from your posts ... take it all one moment by one moment ... keep choosing life.... you will get through this hell time.

 

 

post #87 of 142

Ugh. What an awful thing to have thrown into the mix!

 

IDK if this has been covered (sorry, DS is in one of "those" moods/modes today and I don't have time to re-read the thread), but I see in your siggy that you are Christian. Maybe it's faulty logic on my part, but does this mean you have a church and therefore a pastor/minister? It seems to me like even a phone session (or home visit, since the car is now out of the question) might help get you at least a bit back on your feet mentally. Do you have friends who can just come by for a few minutes/run errands for you/babysit while you take a walk around the block? Even if you can't get your dream day off to clean all morning and sleep all afternoon, arranging to have 15 minutes to yourself each day might be a good start. If you have neighbors who are close by, you could rotate them around, one each day, and take a few days just to have a few moments of peace. I don't know my neighbors all that well, but most of them, once they discover there are kids in the house, offer to pitch in here and there.

post #88 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

 

Driving home from finding that out my car died. It's 103 degrees here and I had to bail the kids out of the car and walk to shade until dh could come get us. Except his car isn't big enough for all of us so I had to ride in the back (trunk area) of his Pathfinder and the baby had to ride in the front seat. 

 

I was suppose to get to go work out at the gym tomorrow. But now I don't have a car. And we can't get a loan for another car. And now we have no savings. This is my life. Over and over.

 

And this also means that I can't get to counseling. Of course. Of course this would happen. greensad.gif This is exactly what I meant when I said I try so hard to take care of myself and it just NEVER WORKS OUT! The universe hates me. 

 

So you don't have a car, but your DH does.  That means you have a car - you're just a one car family instead of a two car family.  Is there a reason that you are unable to use your DH's car to go to counseling?  It shouldn't be an option for you to miss.  Or, can you talk to the counselor about doing sessions via Skype?  I know it feels impossible, I've been there.  It feels so impossible, and it feels like the world hates you,  ty to not panic - there may be another way.  Neighbors that may loan you there car for a while?  Friends?  People at church (if you go)?  etc.  If you know anyone in your town, now is the time to start asking for help.  It's OK to ask.  I have a very good friend who had no idea I was in so much trouble when my relationship fell apart - she became my rock, and we hardly knew each other then!

 

Oh, and on top of everything dh is spitting angry that I put his empty beer bottles in his room this morning. He leaves them for me to clean up so I was fed up this morning and put them on the desk in his room. And he is piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssed. Hugely. Because that is the worst thing someone could ever do to you, obviously.

 

Is he an alcoholic?  I don't think its your kids that are making you upset, I think its the husband.  I think you might want to consider kicking him to the curb, and finding another way.
 

 

post #89 of 142
Thread Starter 


Okay, I tried to multi quote. Didn't work.

 

We don't have a church. Friends are pretty scarce. I have one friend who lives close by and she's visiting next week. We actually became good friends 2 year ago when I didn't have a car for a year. She visited me every week. I'm so glad I have her. But she really is the only one I can think of right now... and she's due to have a baby any minute. No neighbors but I'm gonna rack my brain for ideas on anyone who might want to visit. Playdates can be hard because my house is small.

 

So I can't take dh's car for a couple of reasons. One it's not the most reliable either. Two, it's a stick shift and I don't know how to drive one. And three, it only seats two adults in the front and will only fit two car seats in the back- which means that I couldn't take the kids to my mom's for her to watch them while I was at counseling (and just FYI it's a 20 minute drive to my moms and a 50 minute drive from her house to the counselor's). Oh, and did I mention that SHE doesn't have a car and that part of her house doesn't even have air conditioning? Ugh.

 

And we're not poor people either. My dad is just crazy irresponsible with money and dh and I are trying to dig ourselves out of his last 3 years of schooling and the debt that came with it.

 

He isn't an alcoholic. He actually doesn't drink much. This time it was beer bottles. Often times it's soda cans or root beer bottles or whatever.

 

I feel like I'm just complaining and how annoying is that but I'm absolutely at the end of my rope. :(

 

 

 

 

 

post #90 of 142

breathe mama. just breathe. put one step in front of each step and move forward moment by moment. 

 

this is your breaking time. everything is breaking down everywhere. baby cries. dh pissed. cant go for therapy. 

 

one day the time will come when you will have enough. and the only thing you can do is say 'F*** YOU' and just take care of the essential. 

 

you are at a bad spot along with many other people in the world for the moment. one day you will come out of it.

 

at this moment it doesnt seem so but you will. 

 

in such moments i say what the heck. just break down. everything that needs to break down. just do it. world - just collapse around me. and get it OVER with.  

 

and then the healing starts. 

 

i am glad that you already have your friend and your mom to help in any way they can. 

 

one day you will look back with disbelief and wonder 'did i really go through all that?!!! whew!!!

 

we have a tendency to see time as linear. it soooo is not. its cyclical. you are reaching the crescendo of badness. and you are about to get out of it. 

 

right now just focus on teh present. what you have to do NOW to take care of yourself and your family - even if it means having to put someones beer bottle on his desk. Kudos to you for standing up. 

post #91 of 142

I know you are broke - but if you can swing a car (even a $1000 beater for yourself) it might make a lot of difference.

 

I have been prone to both minor depression and major feelings of being overwhelmed and the few times we were without a second car were awful.  I felt trapped at home and very isolated.  Excellent public transportation might have made a difference - but I did not have it.

 

I would go into debt for a second car.  

 

Hugs, mama!

 

and a Big "yeah that " to meemees post.  This will not last forever.

 

 

post #92 of 142

Most therapist have evening and saturday hours. Go when your DH is home to watch the kids.

 

You are too old for your parents' finances to be effecting you. Get your dad's name off the account, or if you can't do that, open a new account, move your money into it, and don't put his name on it.  And then have YOUR name taken off the old account.

 

The universe doesn't hate. You say you are a Christian, but you don't go to church and you aren't pulling on your faith to get you through a difficult time. Part of the problem in you life is believing  that the universe, or god, hates you. You believe that you are guilty and need to be punished.  The whole "convicted to tandem nurse and homeschool" thing is just a big sign showing that your underlying beliefs about yourself and what you deserve are extremely, extremely negative.

 

Also, it isn't reasonable to expect your spouse to be your only friend. Once you have the car thing sorted out, start making a real life for yourself and your kids. It isn't your DH's fault that you don't have friends. Yes, some things you can blame him for, but that's not one of them.

 

You CAN make changes that will make your life better and happier for you.

post #93 of 142
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

Most therapist have evening and saturday hours. Go when your DH is home to watch the kids.

 

You are too old for your parents' finances to be effecting you. Get your dad's name off the account, or if you can't do that, open a new account, move your money into it, and don't put his name on it.  And then have YOUR name taken off the old account.

 

The universe doesn't hate. You say you are a Christian, but you don't go to church and you aren't pulling on your faith to get you through a difficult time. Part of the problem in you life is believing  that the universe, or god, hates you. You believe that you are guilty and need to be punished.  The whole "convicted to tandem nurse and homeschool" thing is just a big sign showing that your underlying beliefs about yourself and what you deserve are extremely, extremely negative.

 

Also, it isn't reasonable to expect your spouse to be your only friend. Once you have the car thing sorted out, start making a real life for yourself and your kids. It isn't your DH's fault that you don't have friends. Yes, some things you can blame him for, but that's not one of them.

 

You CAN make changes that will make your life better and happier for you.

Yes. The therapist I'm seeing does evenings. As I said above I can't drive dh's car, for various reasons. I am not making excuses. I'm not trying to be difficult. The plain truth is I have lived for so long hearing 'if you want this you have to make it happen.' And I truly believe that. And I have nothing left in me to make it happen anymore. 

 

I find your statements about my lack of church attendance and my faith incredibly assumptious. I won't explain why I don't attend church but I have good reasons- both personal and philosophical. I have attended church in the past however and it's not the out pouring of help some assume it to be. I'm venting. I'm bone tired and I'm venting and ranting because you better believe it's not acceptable to do so in many of my more 'Christian' circles. 

 

I have friends. What I don't have is friends who can help me right now. I visited a friend this week whose husband has left her and have taken food to two other friends who have just had babies. I am the person that others usually ask for help. I'm not above reaching and asking for help but right now there just isn't any immediately available. Or perhaps I should keep an arsenal of friends at my disposal in the event I have a crisis and one or many are unavailable to come to my aid.

 

The use of the word 'convicted' is more a testament to my personality type than anything. I used such a strong word because things that matter to me are not unlike a moral cause in the way that I approach them. I choose to nurse and diaper and unschool. I don't feel guilty when I don't. 

 

I wasn't aware that my father was still on my account. I thought I was in good standing with the credit union so I went there first. They wouldn't allow me to take him off the account if he is delinquent or to open a new one.

 

We went to a different credit union today and secured a loan. We are hoping to find out this coming week if we will be able to buy this other car.

 

Anyway, your post hit a nerve because of course I can make changes. I've done it over and over. And I know I'll have to do it again. I am tired of pulling myself up by my boot straps only to be knocked down again. Am I wallowing in self pity and whining right now? Yes. Absolutely. I feel I deserve a chance, after 6 years to do that.

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post

I know you are broke - but if you can swing a car (even a $1000 beater for yourself) it might make a lot of difference.

 

 

 

The car we are trying to buy is not much more than that. smile.gif
 

 

post #94 of 142

 

Quote:
The whole "convicted to tandem nurse and homeschool" thing is just a big sign showing that your underlying beliefs about yourself and what you deserve are extremely, extremely negative.

This made me blink the first time you brought it up... it's a word. In the OP's context it means "strongly convinced of the rightness of something". The fact that it also refers, in a completely different context, to being found guilty under the legal system is irrelevant. It doesn't make any sense to accuse someone who uses the word in the first sense of being subconsciously aware of the second and inadvertently revealing deep, dark psychological quirks. It's just a quirk of the English language. I use the word "convicted" about a bunch of opinions I've come to, which range from time-consuming and frankly annoying, to extremely easy, to irrelevant in a practical sense (ie, I became convicted that circumcision was wrong, but it's very rare in NZ and at the time I was expecting a girl, so it's not like it was being pushed on me anyway). No sinister psychological meaning there.

post #95 of 142
hug.gif
Put yourself first. Get help. Sometimes I read this poem when I am feeling overwhelmed. I hope that you like it.

Woman With Flower
By Naomi Long Madgett

I wouldn't coax the plant if I were you.
Such watchful nurturing may do it harm.
Let the soil rest from so much digging
And wait until it's dry before you water it.
The leaf's inclined to find its own direction;
Give it a chance to seek the sunlight for itself.
Much growth is stunted by too careful prodding,
Too eager tenderness.
The things we love we have to learn to leave alone.
post #96 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smokering View Post

 

This made me blink the first time you brought it up... it's a word. In the OP's context it means "strongly convinced of the rightness of something". The fact that it also refers, in a completely different context, to being found guilty under the legal system is irrelevant. It doesn't make any sense to accuse someone who uses the word in the first sense of being subconsciously aware of the second and inadvertently revealing deep, dark psychological quirks. It's just a quirk of the English language. I use the word "convicted" about a bunch of opinions I've come to, which range from time-consuming and frankly annoying, to extremely easy, to irrelevant in a practical sense (ie, I became convicted that circumcision was wrong, but it's very rare in NZ and at the time I was expecting a girl, so it's not like it was being pushed on me anyway). No sinister psychological meaning there.


Maybe not for you, and I'm glad for that.  Unfortunately there are churches/belief systems in which people are put under enormous pressure to comply with parenting/partnering/dressing/ect. norms by their leaders and 'I am convicted to..' CAN mean that someone is abusing their authority to pressure someone to behave/look a certain way.  That was common code word in the church in which I grew up for, "I feel uncomfortable/don't wish to, but my husband/pastor has given this teaching and I must obey."  I think (hope) that is not COMMON however, and that the OP genuinely uses the word more like you do--but the reason why some people might interpret 'I am convicted to X Y or Z' as something that is abusive and/or forced is because we were raised/belonged to that system and that is exactly how it was used.  :)

 

Thankfully, having (As of my last birthday, yay!) finally spent more time OUT of that spiritual community than in it, I tend to not assume the negative context.  Just thought that I'd throw out why someone else might (and they wouldn't be thinking of the legal 'conviction' either!).

 

post #97 of 142

Hm. I've heard it used in the religious sense too (often regarding adopting modest dress or headcoverings, for some reason), but always in the context of being personally convinced about a matter, not pressured or abused. It's sad that it's used in a euphemistic way like you describe. :( But yes, that makes sense, although I'm not sure it's where Linda's coming from?

post #98 of 142

About the word "convicted"

 

The thoughts we think and the words we choose have tremendous power. They effect how we feel, so ultimately, they make the difference between feeling happy and blessing or being so depressed we wish our children didn't exist and we hate our own lives.

 

If the OPer makes it to therapy and sees someone trained in cognitive behavior therapy, she'll spend time learning to think about her life differently. Until she thinks about her life differently, she'll stay stuck where she is -- miserable.

 

There is a massive difference in how it feels to do anything (homeschool, stay married, ANYTHING) when one feels it is the ONLY option compared to how to feels to do the exact same thing when it is active choice made in freedom.

 

If another poster used the word "convicted" to describe something that was working for them, I wouldn't bring it up what a heavy, negative, limiting word it is. But the OPer's life isn't working for her in huge ways. She thinks the universe hates her. She wishes she hadn't had her children. She's sick of her marriage. She feels her child acts like a wild animal.

 

One of the things the word "convicted" implies is "closed off to new information." People use it when they feel they know everything they need to to understand what is right and wrong in a specific context. On something fairly limited, like circumcision, I can see how one could get there.

 

I don't understand how a parent with three small child, only one of whom is even school age, could believe that they have all the information about what will always be best for each of her children's educations. That's just so limiting, and it doesn't allow any room to get to know those children, consider what they want, observe what actually works for them, etc.

 

To me, it's really obvious reading these post that the OPer needs to make some changes. Continuing to do the exact some things and thinking about them the exact same ways will leave the OPer feeling exactly the same. And she really deserves to feel better. She deserves to be happy, to feel blessed, to enjoy her children and see them as blessings. But to get there, she's going to have to let go of something -- it may be just letting go of how she thinks about some of this stuff.

 

"Convicted" is a very heavy, negative, limiting word. Changing the word doesn't require changing anything else. To me, it makes sense as a place to start.

post #99 of 142


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

Anyway, your post hit a nerve because of course I can make changes. I've done it over and over. And I know I'll have to do it again. I am tired of pulling myself up by my boot straps only to be knocked down again. Am I wallowing in self pity and whining right now? Yes. Absolutely. I feel I deserve a chance, after 6 years to do that.

 


hug2.gif  Been there, I know that place you're talking about ... Whine away, get it out of your system, but please do try not to dwell on it - it will pass if you let it be. 

 

And yes, things are hard and seem insurmountable, but please do take a moment and appreciate things that are going alright in your life right now.  Are you reasonably healthy otherwise?  Are the children generally alright?  What things are more or less OK?  Not necessarily perfect, but you know, something you can appreciate.

 

It does sound counter-intuitive and kind of wishful thinking-y.  Sometimes, things seem very bad because we compare our life to some imaginary one that's better. Personally, I tend to feel bad whenever I think things should/could be better.  And I tend to feel much better whenever I think things could be a lot worse.

The fact is, no one knows, things can be a lot worse - granted that doesn't mean things are not bad wink1.gif

 

But, it's really our choice what we compare our life to - to some better what-ifs or worse what-ifs ... or not to compare and expect anything at all.  The what-ifs are not real anyway, we can choose whichever we want, or not at all. 

 

I do wish things will get better for you ....hug2.gif

 

 

 

 

 

 


Edited by MamaMunchkin - 7/8/11 at 7:37pm
post #100 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

 

I don't understand how a parent with three small child, only one of whom is even school age, could believe that they have all the information about what will always be best for each of her children's educations. That's just so limiting, and it doesn't allow any room to get to know those children, consider what they want, observe what actually works for them, etc.

 



Linda, I don't know if you are aware of it, but your posts come across as unsupportive and critical rather than helpful.  When you're in the place where the OP is, it might feel like being kicked while you are down.  She's pretty firm that she has a way that she wants to live and that to not live in that way will make her feel even worse.   She's pretty clear about what she meant when she said convicted.  

 

There are ways to make the points you are making in less critical way.  Just read back at the posts that the other MDC moms have put in this thread.  They are equally strong in their points but much more respectful in tone.

 

It bothers me when people come here laying themselves bare in their pain and people start getting harsh on them or second-guess their lifestyle choices.  I am sure your intentions are good, but the OP is not going to hear your advice if you are not taking what she is saying at face value and instead taking a tough tone with her.

 

Anyway ... OP ... so glad you got a line on a cheap second car!!  That's wonderful.  

 

 

 

 

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