if your dh goes to the gym after work ....

[CherryBombMama]

(or wife  )

how does he do it? come straight home, then to the gym? strait to the gym? late at night?

my dh gets home at 4pm. at 5:45, he heads to the gym, and doesnt come home until 8pm. 2 hours, moday through friday. now, he is also following doctors orders to lose some serious weight, but i have the babies ALL DAY LONG. they go down at 8pm, sometimes a bit earlier so he walks in and theyre either asleep already or we're turning off lights. 

he also is an electrician and needs to be up at 3:30am to get dressed/ get to his job so he needs to be in bed at a fairly decent time. i can go to bed at 11pm. he needs earlier than 9. and i mean, he is working with electricity here! i need him to be on alert at all times and not have a serious accident so sleep is important. lol

how do i handle this? im getting frustrated. im also wary of saying anything because he is doing so good! i dont want him to stop going because he feels like i need him here. but i DO need him here. what do i do?

[Mulvah]

Originally Posted by CherryBombMama 

(or wife  )

how does he do it? come straight home, then to the gym? strait to the gym? late at night?

my dh gets home at 4pm. at 5:45, he heads to the gym, and doesnt come home until 8pm. 2 hours, moday through friday. now, he is also following doctors orders to lose some serious weight, but i have the babies ALL DAY LONG. they go down at 8pm, sometimes a bit earlier so he walks in and theyre either asleep already or we're turning off lights. 

he also is an electrician and needs to be up at 3:30am to get dressed/ get to his job so he needs to be in bed at a fairly decent time. i can go to bed at 11pm. he needs earlier than 9. and i mean, he is working with electricity here! i need him to be on alert at all times and not have a serious accident so sleep is important. lol

how do i handle this? im getting frustrated. im also wary of saying anything because he is doing so good! i dont want him to stop going because he feels like i need him here. but i DO need him here. what do i do?

We had the same problem; DP wouldn't get home until 8:30-9:00 and it was just too much for me.  We finally decided to buy gym equipment. I'm not sure if your husband is weight training or using an elliptical, rower, treadmill, etc., but I really do suggest buying what he needs, even if you do a little at a time since it's not cheap.  We don't have a cheap gym in our area, so our break-even period was 15 months.  The other benefit to our own equipment is that I can use it.  DP works out at night after DS has gone to bed (7:30PM) and this works for all of us.  It is more difficult to stay motivated (though admittedly, DP was somewhat of a gym rat), but I am a pretty good cheerleader. 

Also, I do want to suggest that your husband consider working out two weekend days instead of work nights if that would work better for you.  I hope you can come to an agreement on this.  I totally understand where you're coming from and could not have done it with two little ones!

ETA:  I do realize not everyone can afford the money in one lump sum, but I still wanted to mention what we did when we had this problem.  And, depending upon what he is doing for exercise, some things can be done at home without expensive equipment.

[NicaG]

Could he take the kids to the gym's childcare while he works out? That way you would get a break. Sounds like he's there an awfully long time though...

My dh often goes running in the early am, but it only takes 45 minutes or so. We also bought a treadmill, so I can use it too.

This sounds like an unfair situation.

[CherryBombMama]

Originally Posted by Mulvah 

We had the same problem; DP wouldn't get home until 8:30-9:00 and it was just too much for me.  We finally decided to buy gym equipment. I'm not sure if your husband is weight training or using an elliptical, rower, treadmill, etc., but I really do suggest buying what he needs, even if you do a little at a time since it's not cheap.  We don't have a cheap gym in our area, so our break-even period was 15 months.  The other benefit to our own equipment is that I can use it.  DP works out at night after DS has gone to bed (7:30PM) and this works for all of us.  It is more difficult to stay motivated (though admittedly, DP was somewhat of a gym rat), but I am a pretty good cheerleader. 

Also, I do want to suggest that your husband consider working out two weekend days instead of work nights if that would work better for you.  I hope you can come to an agreement on this.  I totally understand where you're coming from and could not have done it with two little ones!

he has some sort of big exercise thing at home, but he just couldnt get motivated at home. the boys, unfinished projects, stuff like that. we even tried P90X which he loved but he wanted a partner (me) to go along with him, and im dead after the boys are alseep. i wanna get on the internet, not work out for an hour lol

working out two weekend days instead of two work nights is a great idea. never thought of that!

Originally Posted by NicaG 

Could he take the kids to the gym's childcare while he works out? That way you would get a break. Sounds like he's there an awfully long time though...

My dh often goes running in the early am, but it only takes 45 minutes or so. We also bought a treadmill, so I can use it too.

This sounds like an unfair situation.

he could, but that would just not fly with my boys. theyve only been left with our moms, and actually my ds2 has only been with my dh twice. he still nurses on demand. i think i would feel to uncomfortable with leaving them. which is annoying because if i did leave them at the gyms childcare, i could go work out. but thats a whole 'nother story :)

[Ansley]

When DP and I were together he would get off work at 5 and come home for a couple hours then head to the gym for 1.5 hours. He only went Tues, Weds, Thurs and most Saturdays. On Saturday he would stay longer. It would probably be less stress on you if he could cut down the number of week days that he goes to the gym...

[CrunchyChristianMama]

If it were me I would rather have him go right after work and be home by 6.  Then he would be there for the last couple hours of the kiddos day which are generally the hardest!  I like the idea of having him workout on the weekends instead of a couple days during the week.  Maybe he could go during naptime. 

[jeteaa]

my dh is also an electrician. He works four 10 hr days... he gets up 2.5 hrs early every work morning to go to the gym. Is is able to stay awake late enough to help put the dc to bed around 8:30pm, then he goes right to sleep. However HE feels he needs less sleep than I do by 3 hrs.... I also have to loose alot of weight. And while the gym is a great place to work out, HOME is a good place too. I just bought a $500 almost new nordic track bike on craigslist for $120. And I pick up free weight at the goodwill for just a few dollars.... 

[Imprint]

We're waiting on our babies, rather than having any, so I don't know how this may change.  But my husband usually either goes to the gym directly from work, and (including travel time, showering, etc.) is back one and a half to two hours after he gets off; or, in the warmer part of the year, comes home and goes running outdoors for anything from 40 minutes to 2 hours.  He probably works out five days a week, on average; sometimes six, sometimes only four.  Usually one or two of those are weekend days.  I think the key problem I'd see is that gap between getting home and leaving for the gym.  If he's not too tired to head directly there, that and one or two weekend workouts may buy you some ease and needed time.

[Masel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CherryBombMama 

he could, but that would just not fly with my boys. theyve only been left with our moms, and actually my ds2 has only been with my dh twice. he still nurses on demand. i think i would feel to uncomfortable with leaving them. which is annoying because if i did leave them at the gyms childcare, i could go work out. but thats a whole 'nother story :)

I started going to the Y when my baby was 8 weeks old. She was exclusively breastfed and hadn't been with anyone but my DH and with my mom or MIL for an hour or so. She didn't always like it but it did me so much good. If she got upset and wouldn't settle down they would come get me. The weight room is next door to the nursery so I hear her through the wall and meet the lady at the door. Sometimes I could nurse her a little and she'd be okay and sometimes I'd have to leave. Now at almost 2 she loves going. The children of the regulars have gotten to know each other. Also, the few time DH's schedule has allowed us to go together has been really fun. 

All that said, I agree about him adjusting his schedule or working out at home. Sit ups with a kid held to your chest would lead to mighty abs. LOL

[briansmama]

OP, you sound like you're are trying so hard to be a supportive wife! Sadly, this was a huge sticking point for dh and me after we had our first baby. He would take off and surf whenever he wanted, which was hours pretty much daily, on top of working full time. I was exhausted, nursing on demand, and didn't get a break at all.

Things changed quite a bit after we had our second. He was working more with others by then who were also having new babies and hearing their wives call in and tell them they needed to come home early since they hadn't had a break all day. Sounds funny, but it really helped us when dh realized that staying home with an infant is a lot of work! I think before that he really had no experience around babies and honestly didn't realize how hard it can be.

My point is this- you both deserve breaks. Make sure you speak up and ask for yours too. Working out is a break, and although it's also good for his health, it needs to be at a reasonable time. I second the pp who suggested he workout straight after work. Then at 6 when he gets home you go right into your bathroom and take a bubble bath or whatever it is that gives you a break :) He can play with the babies and give them their baths and get them ready for bed himself. I also think that schedule works best if it's only a few times per week, and the other 2 times he hits the gym on weekends. Then you both have enough time that day to get help from each other and no one feels resentful.

[crunchy_mommy]

We are in a completely different situation but I'll offer some suggestions anyway.

See if you can get a double jogging stroller off CL or something, and send him running with the kids.

Also see if he can split the time up.

If it were us, this is what we'd probably do: DH would work out for an hour or so (even half an hour!) during his lunch break. Then he goes straight to the gym after work and spends no more than an hour there, coming home by 5/5:30pm. If working out during lunch is not an option, he could do 2 hours/day on weekend mornings before everyone else is up. He could also get in extra time by jogging with the stroller or other active pursuits WITH the kids, and could cut down on his out-of-the-house time by trying to do at least SOME of his workouts at home.

Of course, that's in an ideal world. In reality, neither DH nor I work out even 1/10th as much as we'd like (in other words, we're lucky if we formally work out 1 out of 10 days lol!!) and neither of us is currently WOH!! I do feel working out is important and I've yet to figure out how to work it back into my life with a toddler who still only sleeps ON me and a WAH job that takes up any child-free time I might otherwise have. We are trying hard to maintain a fairly active family lifestyle though -- we walk with DS in the Ergo or a wagon, we go on hikes, we swim at the beach, we do family yoga nights in our living room, we fly kites with DS or teach him how to play basketball, etc. I think this will get a bit easier soon, he's only 2.5 and he's not really super active like some toddlers are... and we did find a jogging stroller and are trying to run together, as a family. It's hard to shift from 'working out' being a solo pursuit, something I can dedicate 1-2+ hours straight to and throw myself at 100%... to it being a family activity, integrated into our daily life, and in shorter and slightly less-satisfying spurts, but it's what I need to do because now we are parents and this is the reality of our lives...

[CherryBombMama]

thanks for the replies!

so last week dh didnt work out thur or fri, then went to the gym on the weekend during the boys nap. that worked really well for me. i was still really tired mon - wed, but three days is so much more manageable than five.  hopefully after a few weeks, i want to suggest to him to work out directly after work, just to see how that works. that would push dinner ahead, which would be nice.

im so proud of him, he already lost ten pounds! :)

i was actually thinking of getting a double jogging stroller for myself, so i could run in the morning or something. hhmm....

[lifeguard]

It is SO hard to develop good habits with working out & it does take a long time. We've tried a couple different things. Working out directly after work is exhausting but doable. Right now dh is able to schedule time into his workday to go in the middle of the day 3 days a week which is super.

Unfortunately not all of us do well with an at-home program. I know it would work better for us & be cheaper long term but I also knwo I wouldn't be as successful.

I'm glad the switch is helping.

Is there a closer gym (I'm assumign at least some of the time is commuting). Is he showering at the gym as well, could he go already dressed & come home to shower? What sort of program is he following? Can he make some changes so that the workouts are shorter (ex. if he is weight training it can be pretty standard to do 3 sets of several exercises with a minute or more break between each set but we usually do supersets or giant sets where you do a couple exercises back to back with no rests - ups the workload & speeds up the workout.).

[Ttarail]

First of all one form of cardio done correctly takes less then 25 minutes. Google peak 8, DR Mercola.com. Weight training at the gym oy home takes 20 minutes with 10-12 minutes of stretching. One form of proper weight training is with a high enough resistance, the weight or your own body weight going through the entire range of motion done super slow, the count of 10 going into the excersice, contracting and the count of 20 coming out, extending, should exhaust the mucle group so only 3-5 reps are needed. And thirdly if someone is working out in this way, cardio and resistance/weight training are to be done on different days for proper recovery. This is dueable, with a learning curve.
I'm a physical therapist. I have a former marathon surfer ,golfer dh. I excersice 5-6 days/week. I have a 6 yearr old and a babe on the way. Movement around, and Daddy kid time, and Mommy private time here has a higher priority then making dinner. The learning curve was long and took therapy and ultimatums, but the doormat thing finally had to come to an end. Chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, depression and resentment were killing me.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by lifeguard 

What sort of program is he following? Can he make some changes so that the workouts are shorter (ex. if he is weight training it can be pretty standard to do 3 sets of several exercises with a minute or more break between each set but we usually do supersets or giant sets where you do a couple exercises back to back with no rests - ups the workload & speeds up the workout.).

Good point here... when I used to workout more consistently, I never had to do more than an hour. I'd do short spurts of cardio in between weight lifting sets, interval training, etc. There was absolutely no time spent 'resting between sets' or whatever, I maximized every minute of the time I had because I was working 2 jobs and in school full-time with lots of other committments... For a while, I even lived close enough to the gym that I was able to walk/jog there & use that as my warm-up/cool-down. So maybe he could tweak his routine a bit so it takes less time (but equal results)?

[Birdie B.]

Mine goes to the gym and takes our 2.5 year old. She loves it, and after I have this baby (due in 4 weeks!!) I'll start going again too.  It is really a great option. I agree with the PP that maybe you could try getting them used to it? I was paranoid for a long time about leaving my daughter, and this is actually the first time we had ever dropped her off anywhere, with anyone other than us. She loves it! Plus, the child care center is right in the center of the gym, so we can go by and check on her anytime. They will call the parents if the baby is crying for more than a few minutes. Even if your little one nurses a lot, you could drop by in between cardio and weights or something like that for a nursing sesssion.  I don't want to sound like I'm pressuring you, but I had similar concerns and it's worked out really well.  It might be the same for you, but if not, totally disregard my advice.

But yes, a jogging stroller is a great option for you to get exercise without having to leave your kids anywhere. Good luck!

[sanguine_speed]

Does it have to be all or nothing?  He does not need to go to the gym for hours five days a week to achieve good weight loss.  If he has a lot to lose, as you say, diet change will make a huge difference.  And yes, exercise is important, but it doesn't have to be at such a high cost to your family.  Even Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday/Sunday is plenty if he must go to the gym.

[maciascl]

What if he went straight to the gym after work and was home earlier to help put the kids to bed? Might save more time then going back and forth too.

[CherryBombMama]

Originally Posted by lifeguard 

Is there a closer gym (I'm assumign at least some of the time is commuting). Is he showering at the gym as well, could he go already dressed & come home to shower? What sort of program is he following? Can he make some changes so that the workouts are shorter (ex. if he is weight training it can be pretty standard to do 3 sets of several exercises with a minute or more break between each set but we usually do supersets or giant sets where you do a couple exercises back to back with no rests - ups the workload & speeds up the workout.).

his gym is five minutes away. its actually in a mall, so some days towards the end of his workout, i take the kids to the mall and we play in the play area.  he isnt following a program really, just doing some weights, some cardio, and he is taking some of their biking classes (not sure what thats called, but its a really fast past, group biking sort of thing.)
 

he is gone so long because he is doing this with friends, and they take turns and "spot" each other when doing weights and encourage each other when doing cardio, stuff like that. i think thats why he is doing so good. im not sure i want to take that away from him. 

Originally Posted by Ttarail 

First of all one form of cardio done correctly takes less then 25 minutes. Google peak 8, DR Mercola.com. Weight training at the gym oy home takes 20 minutes with 10-12 minutes of stretching. One form of proper weight training is with a high enough resistance, the weight or your own body weight going through the entire range of motion done super slow, the count of 10 going into the excersice, contracting and the count of 20 coming out, extending, should exhaust the mucle group so only 3-5 reps are needed. And thirdly if someone is working out in this way, cardio and resistance/weight training are to be done on different days for proper recovery. This is dueable, with a learning curve.
I'm a physical therapist. I have a former marathon surfer ,golfer dh. I excersice 5-6 days/week. I have a 6 yearr old and a babe on the way. Movement around, and Daddy kid time, and Mommy private time here has a higher priority then making dinner. The learning curve was long and took therapy and ultimatums, but the doormat thing finally had to come to an end. Chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, depression and resentment were killing me.

 whoa mama you know your stuff!

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 


 So maybe he could tweak his routine a bit so it takes less time (but equal results)?

Originally Posted by Birdie B. 

Mine goes to the gym and takes our 2.5 year old. She loves it, and after I have this baby (due in 4 weeks!!) I'll start going again too.  It is really a great option. I agree with the PP that maybe you could try getting them used to it? I was paranoid for a long time about leaving my daughter, and this is actually the first time we had ever dropped her off anywhere, with anyone other than us. She loves it! Plus, the child care center is right in the center of the gym, so we can go by and check on her anytime. They will call the parents if the baby is crying for more than a few minutes. Even if your little one nurses a lot, you could drop by in between cardio and weights or something like that for a nursing sesssion.  I don't want to sound like I'm pressuring you, but I had similar concerns and it's worked out really well.  It might be the same for you, but if not, totally disregard my advice.

But yes, a jogging stroller is a great option for you to get exercise without having to leave your kids anywhere. Good luck!

your post gives me hope! i really really *want* to leave my ds (the 2yr old,) i even would love for dh to take him, just so i could have alone time with my other ds, i just keep picturing his adorable little face looking around for me that first time and realizing that he is in a room full of strangers! :( bahhh. im sure he would have tons of fun, i just hate thinking he might have that "where is my mama?" moment. 

so dramatic, i know. 

Originally Posted by sanguine_speed 

Does it have to be all or nothing?  He does not need to go to the gym for hours five days a week to achieve good weight loss.  If he has a lot to lose, as you say, diet change will make a huge difference.  And yes, exercise is important, but it doesn't have to be at such a high cost to your family.  Even Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday/Sunday is plenty if he must go to the gym.

yes it does have to be all or nothing. thats completely his personality. and boy, have we had some arguments over this quirk of his =D

and actually, we changed our diet about a year ago. i cook almost completely made from scratch meals *almost* everyday. lots of all natural, veggie friendly meals. thats what made us realize how important working out was. he had done a complete turn around on his diet and for a long time, and didnt lose a pound. thats why its so hard to know what to do right now. working out and keeping him positive is the only thing that has worked

Originally Posted by maciascl 

What if he went straight to the gym after work and was home earlier to help put the kids to bed? Might save more time then going back and forth too.

 yes! i want to try this soon...
 

[sacredpresence]

I haven't read all the responses but I would throw a fit if DH went to the gym for two hours after work lol.  We have weights and stuff here in the garage and he does work out down there while I'm putting the baby down to sleep.  DH is in the military and works 11-12 hour days and has to work out to pass the fitness tests.