ideas to help my ds and my brother(who has adhd/anxiety disorder) get along?

[CherryBombMama]

my ds is 2, so its pretty much my duty to keep him at bay. but he is a regular rough and tough 2 year old who loves to run fast, scream loud, jump around, etc. my brother is highly sensitive and his mood changes hourly. half hourly even. lol. he is 7. 

a typical visit is both boys being so excited to see eachother that they run to each other, jump around, start chasing, my brother is learning to keep his distance but still gets in my ds face, happily but still, it causes my ds to hit him (in a happy, 2 year old over excited kind of way) and then from there things gets worse. my brother storms off very dramatically, says things like "i dont like you baby." which because its so dramatic, i think my ds thinks he is joking, and he goes running after my brother which causes my brother to be even more upset. 

all this time my mom and i are trying to referee them, separate them, point out other things of interest, play separately with them, etc. 

usually we meet up once a week, just to get out of the house, we are both sahms. i also have a 10m, she has a 22yr old severely disabled boy as well (my other brother). everybody talks every day of the week of how much they want to see each other, but when we get together-  its chaos! 

i dont necessarily need them to like each other at all times, but regarding my brothers adhd and anxiety disorder, what are things to avoid? how can i coach my ds (and myself) to better understand how to interact/deal with him? thank you :) 

[Emmeline II]

How is your brother being treated? If he has a therapist I would bring it up with them. If he isn't seeing one then a CBT could help.

When my ds (also 7yo) was around his cousins we had to monitor him very closely and sometimes separate him from them (2 years younger, same age and 2 years older). It was actually easier on everyone if we and the cousins weren't all there (at the grandparents) at the same time. Now ds is on a medication that really works for him and him hurting his cousins, (usually accidentally, as opposed to hitting) isn't a problem anymore; overall he plays more nicely with them.

One thing that is useful to remember is that an ADHD child is working with an emotional/behavioral capability of a child 30% younger; so your brother is closer to a 5yo than a 7yo in that way. With my son I'd explain why his cousin is like that (essentially what a 2yo is capable of in terms of controlling his behavior) and what he can do when it happens, like saying "Hitting hurts. I don't like that. I need to take a break." Eventually you may be able to develop a script; -- your brother says  "Hitting hurts. I don't like that. I need to take a break." and walks away, and your son knows when his cousin says that, he is supposed to run to you/go on a swing/ down a slide...but I don't think there is any substitute for staying close at your son's age.

Ds still gets in his 2yrs younger cousin's face (not aggressively, but too close for his comfort); I have to remind ds to give people some personal space.

Edited by Emmeline II - 6/30/11 at 9:55am

[Emmeline II]

oops!

[Linda on the move]

You might suggest that your mom find a social skills class for your brother.

Have you guys tried having an activity planned for them? I think some structured or semi-sturctured play might go better. Even something simple, like playdough. Finding a way that they could be in the same space and enjoy kinda doing something together, but a little less intense than attempting to figure out how to interact.