DH Reluctant to Co-Sleep; Need Some Advice on Bedrails

[Nikitta34]

DS is almost 4 mo old. He's been sleeping with us since we brought him home, although initially he was in a bassinet by our bed for parts of the night due to sleep deprivation/heavy sleeping on my part. I love sleeping with DS curled up by my side. DH hasn't had much of a problem with it until now, although he thinks it's "not normal". He endures a fair amount of negative comments from his parents and friends, such as, "Well, I certainly hope you won't have a 10 year old in your bed. Baby needs to use his crib."

Now that DS is starting to roll, DH wants him to go to his crib. He absolutely does not want to put gates/fences on the sides of our platform king bed. We have a new, gorgeous bedroom set and he really wants the master suite to be a relaxing, comfortable place where we can chat, watch tv, spend some "one-on-one" time, where he can turn the lights on at night, not have to whisper because DS is sleeping, etc. Putting the bed on the floor is completely out of the question for us.

DH doesn't seem to have the same bond with DS, which I'm sure is due to the fact that DS is always very close, if not strapped, to me. He has been letting me take the lead until now because he knows that it's so convenient for me to nurse DS throughout the night. But this morning he started trying to put his foot down a bit, saying that once DS doesn't nurse as often, he won't need to be in our bed. He said he will not have a 1-yr-old in bed with us, even though I am planning to nurse for at least one year, if not much longer. (Plan to reevaluate at 1 yr and see how much longer we'll continue.) I resisted the urge to tell DH to go sleep in the guest bedroom, because as much as I value nurturing my DS through the night, it's not healthy for a child to grow up in a home where there is discord between the parents.

So my questions are, what "ammunition" do people use to convince their SOs that it's not abnormal to co-sleep? Are there statistics for how many people in other developed countries co-sleep? And what do people use with a platform bed (several feet off floor) to make sure baby doesn't roll off, aside from those white mesh bedrails? Money is a huge consideration --- DH is already ticked that we spent so much on a gorgeous PBK crib and organic mattress that aren't being used.

The thought of DS sleeping in a room, all alone, on the other side of the house is enough to make me want to simultaneously cry, clutch DS to my chest, and tell DH to F* off. That however, will not lead to a productive conversation with DH, so I need some help!

[KirstenS]

My DS is almost a year and we are still happily co-sleeping although it wasn't always this way; like you he slept in a bassinet next to the bed for the few weeks (he too tiny and I was to sleep deprived I didn't sleep well with him in the bed.) Then we travelled to Europe and he had to sleep with me, so when we got home he would never go back into his little nest. DH wasn't as thrilled, and often spoke about transitioning him into a crib. Honestly, I didn't sweat it, co-sleeping was easier on me and the babe and the benefits to everyone out weighed the feedback he was getting from outside sources. Then at 6 months my DS rolled across 6 feet of bed and on to the floor one morning after DH got up. After awful trip to the hospital DS was fine but DH wanted to transition him that day and I wanted bed rails. I got bed rails that day but we fought about co-sleeping for another month.

Mainly because the rails are a short-term solution, after rolling the next is sitting up and climbing and crawling, and they will pitch themselves out of bed head first or the rails. Or get caught up in between the rail and the bed and get hurt. Don't get me wrong, the rails will buy you time but eventually is either the bed on the floor, or in the crib. Now if you have the space you could side car the crib to your bed. We wound up with our bed on the floor and while I hate the look of it, I love waking up to my son safe and happy.

How we won over DH is another story, in that month after the fall, I argued here and there and then I just asked DH what his plan was for "transitioning" to the crib, which in our case would have had to involve some form of CIO. I then showed him the evidence on why CIO methods are physically and emotionally damaging.  This is tricky but so many of our parents and grandparents did exactly this and I find people get very defensive about the sleep methods they use. I also pointed out that I didn't plan to co-sleep, this was a natural choice that we all gravitated to (even DH to an extent) and it worked, we had the holy grail of baby sleep situations, DS sleeps soundly for 10+hours a night with only a couple dream feeds.  Now at almost 1 year, we are all pretty happy and think probably will co-sleep for another before we start to transition to a toddler bed.

Good Luck.

[amberskyfire]

My husband has Aspergers, so he was very adamant about baby not sleeping in our bed and it was quite a bit more difficult to convince him than other fathers, I think, though that may not be the case. Here was my winning argument that shut DH up for good. He hasn't breathed a word about it since.

DH: When are you going to get her a crib or a bed of her own? I don't want her sleeping in bed with us.

Me: Well, how about she and I move into the guest bedroom and have a bed of our own? Then you can have this bed all to yourself.

DH: No, I don't want to sleep by myself.

Me: You are a grown man and you don't want to sleep by yourself? Think for a moment how a tiny child who is terrified to be alone might feel about sleeping all alone.

Yeah, that one was the winner. DD is three now and we all sleep together and it is absolutely MARVELOUS. DH never complains at all. DD sleeps on the other side of me and doesn't bother him. We have a Safety 1st bedrail on which just sort of clips to the side of the bed. I think they make some that fold down so if you want it to disappear on the other side of the bed, it can.

We have a guest bedroom with a nice bed, so if we want some one-on-one time, we go in there and leave DD in the family bed. She is used to hearing noises while sleeping and won't wake up for them, so we can talk all we like, get ready for bed, etc. She goes to bed before we do, so that's our special time to be together. We just don't do it in the same room that she's in. It was nice when she was smaller because she woke to nurse until she was almost three years old, so I never had to wake up to her crying in the next room. She just scooted quietly over and nursed and DH didn't have to be woken up on a nightly basis. If your DH doesn't realize that baby will wake up and cry at night EVERY NIGHT until about age two, let him know. He might just decide against the extra bed and save his sleep and his sanity.

Edit to add: Have you thought about putting a crib in the next room and putting your baby in it just after he goes to sleep, then go and get him before you go to sleep? I know a lot of attached parents do that. They put the baby to bed earlier, put them in the crib, do whatever, then get the baby when they go to sleep. You can keep the bedrail folded down until that time and you and DH both get your way.

[ReinetteRenee]

For safe sleeping we have turned his crib into a side car. http://www.drmomma.org/2010/01/turn-your-crib-into-cosleeper.html

As for arguments here are a lot of articles that are infavor of co-sleeping http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/sleeping.html

[Nikitta34]

Thanks SO MUCH to all the replies! I hadn't thought about either using our crib as a sidecar or putting DS to sleep there just until we go to bed. I mentioned the sidecar idea to DH and he seemed to be amenable to that idea. But using the crib for the first portion of sleep might be great also, especially once he is more mobile. But how do I get him used to sleeping in his crib? We don't use the cry it out method. He does like "playing" in there during the days, so it's a happy place for him as of right now. Sometimes we'll do tummy time there or I will put him in if I need to wash my hands after a diaper change or use the restroom myself. But I think he'd have to be sleeping really soundly in my arms and then do a gentle transfer to the crib in order for him to actually sleep in there.

And DH and I had a really good chat about the whole issue. Apparently a fair amount of the whispering he's getting in his ear is coming from his mother, who has never heard of co-sleeping, baby-wearing, extended breastfeeding, chem-free toys, etc until now. His mom seems to think that I'm a bit of a "far out wacko-crunchy" sort of person, which I find very amusing since I consider myself quite moderate compared to some of my very crunchy friends. Guess it's all about perspective!

[Nikitta34]

And ReinetteRenee, thanks very much for those links! I am reading through the material now.

[ReinetteRenee]

I know how you feel on the MIL front. Mine was a baby nurse who took care of babies in the hospital. They know it all, i just hope when my son has kids i can be the kinda mom he wants to ask and not the one who shoves opinions on to him and his partner. 

Reminds me of when i mentioned to my MIL that car seats expired and shouldn't be used after the expiration date. She looked at me like i was some crazy person. She forced a used car seat upon us to help us "save money" it expires soon so we cant use it for a second child... oh well. 

Also who cares if co-sleeping is normal or not if it works for you and you get more sleep then that's what matters. I take naps with my son all the time its awesome. also once he starts crawling i will teach him how to crawl back wards off the bed. he can roll over now but has no interest in rolling around in bed but also we use blankets in his crib so he is kinda used to them as well. they only go to his chest. How the crib works for me is i put a little bit of my body in it and nurse him to sleep and then when he wakes up i just pull him into bed with me. so by 4 am he is right next to me. we mainly co-sleep out of the fact we are unable to heat the whole house. when summer comes around he will be a year old at that time we will re think where he will sleep.

[Nikitta34]

My MIL is very non-confrontational, so she would never dream of saying to my face, "I think that's weird/wrong." However, she is very passive aggressive and would talk behind my back about how loopy I must be. Ah well.... I need to figure out how to get it across to her that I don't want a house full of plastic, chemical-laden, made in China crap. I know that she is going to get Ben a bunch of electronic toys and other cheap stuff. I've tried communicating to her (even did a blog post on it!) that I value certain types of toys over others, so we'll have to wait and see what happens.

Thanks for the tips on nursing to sleep with the side-car. I'm really excited to try it out, although we are going to have to rearrange our entire bedroom to make it work, haha. ;)

[Kobaby]

My husband has always been on board with co-sleeping, but I love this logic and am going to steal it when dealing with nosy people who ask why we co-sleep! You're so clever!!

Originally Posted by amberskyfire 

DH: When are you going to get her a crib or a bed of her own? I don't want her sleeping in bed with us.

Me: Well, how about she and I move into the guest bedroom and have a bed of our own? Then you can have this bed all to yourself.

DH: No, I don't want to sleep by myself.

Me: You are a grown man and you don't want to sleep by yourself? Think for a moment how a tiny child who is terrified to be alone might feel about sleeping all alone.

ETA: We also side-carred our crib. DS is never in there, but that's another story  :-P

[Ginger Bean]

Unless your MIL lives with you, she doesn't need to know all the details of your way of life! I'm not even sure if my MIL knows we bed-share. She'd probably shake her head over that one.

But yeah, I agree -- sidecar all the way, if it would make your husband more comfortable. I wish I could do something like that, but we don't have the space.

[Nikitta34]

Originally Posted by Ginger Bean 

Unless your MIL lives with you, she doesn't need to know all the details of your way of life! I'm not even sure if my MIL knows we bed-share. She'd probably shake her head over that one.

But yeah, I agree -- sidecar all the way, if it would make your husband more comfortable. I wish I could do something like that, but we don't have the space.

I made the mistake of posting on FB that I wished I hadn't "wasted money" on a crib, and my SIL told my MIL... At least, that's what we think happened. <sigh> That's the digital age for you.

[Ginger Bean]

Oooh, she told on you!

[Nikitta34]

I know!!! Ah well. At least DH has been really good with his mom about it. She can be pushy when she wants to be.

[Ginger Bean]

Your son is so handsome! (Was checking out your blog...)

My son was born with a full head of dark hair too!

[Nikitta34]

Thank you!! I think so too, but I'm biased.

[Katarianna]

I don't remember my husband putting up much of a fight. I tried to put DS in his cradle for the first three nights we are home. We were both trying to get the hang of BF, he was waking up 4-5 times a night. DH would either sleep through the crying, which would frustrate me, or it would wake him up, which would frustrate him. Finally I just said f-it, he is sleeping here. Now the baby doesn't cry at night, I am a much more pleasant person, and DH gets too sleep all night.

If your DH wants your baby moved to the crib so bad, then he should have to get out of bed to get him when he crys at night. That might last through two trips across the house :rofl

[Katarianna]

Oh, and he should have to go put him back also.

[Nikitta34]

He's not opposed to it right now, just doesn't want to have him in our bed indefinitely. We are taking it day by day and doing what works for us... We plan to side-car our crib at some point to have the best of both worlds, adn DH is excited about that idea.

[Katarianna]

I thought I posted about the bedrails, I guess I forgot. We use BedBug Bumpers as an alternative to those plastic rail things. Our LO is no crawling yet, so I am not sure if it would work for you, but I really like them. They go under the sheet and really stay in place. I lean up against them sometimes. I know if I can't move them, my LO cannot move them. 

[Nikitta34]

Thanks for the Bed Bug Bumpers tip! I have never heard of those before. The price can't be beat though. I actually just did something similar while we wait to sidecar our crib. I put a bolster pillow under the fitted sheet. It moves around a little bit though if I lean on it, so the foam might be a better option. Thanks!!