How paranoid are you? - Page 2

[meemee]

i have been thinking about this thread. 

my paranoia has been - never been will my dd die. i am 'ok' with dd dying. what i dont want is what i see around me. her suffering. physical or mental. and therefore i was more focussed on the right thing rather than worrying about if she would die. i have seen the affect of 'bad' parenting on adults and i swore that would never be my dd. 

'

[Jenni1894]

I don't think I'm all too paranoid.   I just let DS7 ride his bike to his his friend's 7/4 party.   He asked and I talked it over w/DH (who told me he's fine he was his age riding a lot farther that often!)  I let him go with a kiss (or 5!), about 50 be careful's and 20 call me when you get there's.   It took him about 15 mins, but the paranoid mom that I am called after 20.  I figured he was okay, but needed to know, that and his ADD.....he could forget.   I worried mostly about him falling and hurting himself.

I let my 3 yo ride her bike alone out front.  She knows her boundries and has been super good about that since last summer when she was 2 (but I never let alone for more than a moment to run in and get a drink or phone).  

Yet I still can't go to sleep without checking on my kids before I go to sleep.  

It comes and goes, once you stop worring about 1 thing, then you are on to another thing to worry about.  

[pianojazzgirl]

I definitely worry about bad things happening to my kids, but the paranoia was for sure at it's peak when my kids were babies, and especially with my first.  Like all these crazy totally far-fetched "what-ifs" running through my head all the time.  I do think it's likely hormonally related.  The first few months were the absolute worst, with it getting much better after that.  I also find pregnancy is my most anxious time (though I have had several losses, so that might have something to do with it).  But, yup, what you describe during pg and the early weeks and months sounds just like my experience.  Now, the good news is that, while of course I do worry sometimes about my kids, the *paranoia* is gone, if you see what I mean.  Give it some time mama.  It will get better.

[erigeron]

Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee 
 like i tell my dd - the worst thing that could happen to me is to watch her suffer and die. my heart would be broken forever but i would carry on living. in a positive way. esp. for her. not living because i had to, but because i want to. 

I am trying to get cozy with this idea. It seems like a helpful one. I am not really there yet, but I'm going to keep it in mind.

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

You ask a lot of "what if" questions. I guess I'd say to you, yes - what if? What will you do if your child has an injury or an illness? You will draw on all the strength, courage, and grace you have within and that are offered by your family, friends and community. In the meantime, living with fear won't help you enjoy and celebrate this child.

Good point. I bought a book last year on how to deal with worry and I think that was one of the things they recommended, to think through the what-ifs and worst case scenarios, so that they lose their power to overwhelm. It's easier said than done though.

The more I think about this, the more I think some of it is a control thing. During pregnancy I had no idea what was going on in there and couldn't really do anything about it... I just had to wait for a sign that things were okay. (I mean, at least now I can observe her any time to make sure she's breathing.) And now my worst fear is SIDS. Because nobody seems to know what causes that and what I can do to avoid it, other than following the "sleep on back, no loose covers" kinds of recommendations. I think forward and I don't so much fear something like a bike accident or kidnapping because there are steps I can take to put her less at risk of those--teach her bike safety, be judicious about where I let her go by herself, stuff like that. I know things that are outside my control will always happen, but I like knowing that it's not just totally random and we know why it happens and there is something I can do.

[prothyraia]

I remember being horrified when I realized that the worrying was never really going to stop.  I somehow always thought that after I didn't have to worry about- miscarriage/stillbirth/SIDS/choking/- whatever the appropriate developmental Scary Thing was, that I'd be DONE.  But it's always just being replaced with the next developmentally appropriate Scary Thing, presumably at least until after they start *shudder* driving.  

So after a certain point I think you just start to get better at tuning it out.

[Mummoth]

I agree... you get better at tuning it out, shutting it off or rationalizing your way into more positive thoughts. Once you've survived an illness or two, you know you can cope with fevers.. you've been scared, been to emergency, lost sleep and watched them get healthy again... you still worry, but it's not as intense. It's the same with injuries... you don't want them to get hurt, but they do anyway and you start keeping band-aids in your purse. When something more serious happens, you just deal with it. You will do whatever you have to to make it okay again, and you'll handle it a lot better than you expect you can.

My son is 9, and has started playing after school on his own for half an hour, and walking to friends houses on his own. It absolutely petrifies me, but he loves the independence. I left him at home alone for 20 minutes, while I got his sister from school when he was home with a cold, and he called my cell before I was out of the yard to say "Mommy, I'm scared!"... not because he was, but because he thought it was soooo hilarious that I thought he might be scared while I was gone, that he had to call just to mock me! 

[mambera]

I have always been a little paranoid about my loved ones.  I don't think I am excessively anxious otherwise (I rarely worry about stuff like what do other people think of me, etc) but if someone I love is late getting home I get very stressed out.  (Of course it is far, far more intense with my DD but the general tendency to worry is something I was already familiar with.)

Also I remember reading somewhere, before I had a child, that "having a child is like forever having your heart go walking around outside of your body."  That really struck me, and combined with my existing paranoia about my loved ones' safety I think I pretty well understood that this constant subtext of anxiety was going to go with the parenting territory.

I do still check that my 2 y/o is breathing occasionally but definitely not like I did when she was a newborn, I do think the fragility of a newborn (not to mention the thought of SIDS) is scary and that's not something I really worry about anymore.  But it just gets replaced with other kinds of fears.

I don't have a lot of advice other than what's been said, just that I think this is pretty normal.  I agree with what others have said about not reading scary news stories and trying not to let it affect your child's opportunity to grow into a free and independent human being.

I do think it's kind of interesting what freaks different people out.  I am completely relaxed about low-grade fevers, small unidentifiable rashes, etc - I figure they are a part of childhood.  My DH wigs out about those things.  I am more freaked out by car accidents and random possibilities like what if there is an earthquake while she is at day care and I am at work 30 min away?  Those things don't even register on his radar and he still thinks it is hilarious that I will call him if he is more than half an hour later than he said he would be, just to check that he is alive. :)

[Snapdragon]

I have gotten a lot more fearful in general since becoming a mom 15 months ago. I HATE driving any significant distance with ds- even tho he is pretty good in the car- it just worries me and I get very anxious- (meaning over 10 mnutes! I will do it but I try to avoid it if I can- under 10 minutes I am okay with but before ds I used to drive a lot and have no worries about it)

In general I just feel more worried about things. Not so muich paranoid about ds all the time but just feeing more fearful about life in general. I hope I can get better as it is kind of unpleasant.

I also feel more concerned about myself- like- if I ever feel that anything would happen to me or to dh I think right away of ds- like our well being has so much more importance now that ds is so dependent on us.

and another thing- I think just by nature of being a partent to a little one- I feel "on" much of the time- right now ds is napping but I definately have one ear listening to see if I hear him and I will check him every 10 minutes or so. When he was smaller I would check him even more frequently!

[rightkindofme]

I'm a Debbie Downer, sorry in advance.  I'm not much of a worrier about my kids safety.  This is because I had a severely traumatic childhood filled with rape, molestation, abandonment, moving 50+ times, 25 schools, physical abuse, both of my brothers were hit by cars, most of my relatives are drug addicts and alcoholics, lots of suicides...

Yeah.  I just can't get worked up over little childhood things.   They'll be fine.  If they aren't fine, well... I'll deal with that too.  I think that losing one of my kids would be worse than every single other thing that ever happened to me put together... and I still just can't worry about it.  There would have been no amount of worrying in the world that could have prepared someone for what actually happened to me.  So it gives me perspective.

To be fair, for the first few weeks I did constantly check on breathing because they both breathed so quietly and that freaked me out.  Now that they are older and they move around more and make lots of noise I'm not paranoid.  And I cosleep with pillows and blankets and my second daughter would not sleep on her back so she slept on her stomach in the whole mess.  She's 10 months old and still alive. :)  And thriving. :)  

Have you ever heard of Free Range Parenting?  http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/  I am not particularly a follower of Skenazy because I'm not much of a follower of any movement, but I appreciate knowing that she is out there encouraging people to lighten up a bit. :)

[Peony]

I'm not very paranoid. I follow basic safety measures, wear a helmet when riding your bike, carseats/boosters in car, etc... DD1 is 8 and is allowed to go places by herself, sometimes I make her take her cellphone so I can call if need be, other times I don't. I rarely follow the 2y around the fenced backyard, I'll keep the porch door open so I could hear if something happened. Illnesses don't phase me, never did before, and certainly not after we've had our fair share of serious ones. I'm just not a paranoid person to begin with, I don't worry during pg and not after, but it is more my personality not to get worked up about things that may or may not be. 

[journeymom]

My kids are 16 y.o. and 12 y.o. 

Yes, hormones do a number on our brains.  I think it's long term, if not permanent.

For me, what led to me to be paranoid with my first child -or actually I was hyper vigilant-   was that I felt completely inadequate to be a mother.  Dd was unexpected, unplanned and I was having a very difficult time getting my own life together. Holy shit, now I'm responsible for the health and well being of another whole person??  A teeny, completely helpless person at that?? My anxiety went through the roof.  This was real, not just noodling around with bad grades in school or being late to work.

And frankly I hated that a part of my heart was now and forever outside of my body, out there in the world. Vulnerable to accidents and misdeeds.

After a while I felt like if I worried enough about the worst possible scenarios I might keep them at bay.  Worrying was a talisman. 

OY.  It got better.  Actually I need medication to keep it reigned in, but gaining some confidence in my parenting helped a whole lot, as well. 

Now, the good news is that, while of course I do worry sometimes about my kids, the *paranoia* is gone, if you see what I mean.  Give it some time mama.  It will get better.

Yes, that's a great distinction.  I do worry, and always will.   But I'm not wracked with irrational fears anymore. 

Edited to add: I agree, cut out the doom and gloom news.   Local tv news and the metro section of the news paper, certain article online,  with all the murders, rape and abuse.  I gain NOTHING by absorbing this stuff and it only sends me into a spiral of sadness and worry. 

[AnnaBees Mama]

It is normal, sooooo normal.

With that said, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm not paranoid about DD getting sick/hurt/dying/etc. Things that would bother most FTMs, don't seem to get to me. I never have been one to have irrational worries about DD, except that when my PPD was full-blown, I constantly worried that I was a bad mom. ;)

[erigeron]

I was just thinking recently about this thread. My daughter is almost 10 months old now and I've calmed down a fair amount. My paranoia actually has not translated into being super-protective or cautious in the way that I care for her. I let her eat just about anything, and don't stress about allergies. In general, choosing between options, I don't get too hung up on any given one. In the back of my mind, there is always that "What if?" but I don't think I have a lot of influence over potential horrible things that could happen, so I try to keep it quiet. Having watched her grow and thrive helps. She is sturdy and developing normally and even now seems a lot more robust than she did as a floppy little newborn, and also I know that I've done a fine job so far of taking care of her so I must be doing something right. I'm not explaining this well, but I just wanted to catch up on this thread and say a little about how my sentiments have changed.

[rubidoux]

I'm happy you're feeling more comfortable!  

For me the anxiety was much worse during my pregnancy and during the first year with my first child.  It did crop up again with baby number two, but not nearly as bad as with my first.  I think becoming a mom for the first time can just really throw you off kilter.  I still worry.  And I also worry about how worrisome it will be when they're more independent and I can't control so much of what happens to them.  But it seems more reality based, somehow.

One thing I don't think anyone mentioned that I had trouble with, especially when my first was young, was feeling much more worried about my own health.  I think I was much more invested in my future all of the sudden.  So I was noticing lumps and bumps and symptoms I don't think I would have worried about before having my first.  I would like in bed at night convinced I had cancer or some other horrible illness and worry about how terrible it would be for my little guy to have his mom die a slow death in the same house and what it would be like for him to be motherless.  Ugh.  That was not fun!    

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by mommy212 

On a bit of a side note, something that I have been wondering- does everyone follow their LO around the playground, outdoors, etc constantly? I have seen so many parents do this, while I am sitting on the bench watching him run around! I mean, ya he might fall down learning to go down a slope but to me it is just a learning experience. What do you think?

I tend to hang back when I'm at the playground, unless the kids want me to watch something, or play "store"  (several of our playgrounds have these little shelf things under the slide, and the kids set up ice cream stores and such - they always want me to be a customer). With my youngest, I keep her in view, but only because she's prone to wandering off. I need to be able to see her, so I know if she heads off the playground. I don't hang close while she climbs, slides, etc, though.

The paranoia? At five days, I wouldn't worry about it. I've been hyper-aware of every bad thing that could possibly happen with every baby. I find that it gradually fades after about the first month. Now, I have some specific concerns (eg. ds1, who is 19, likes to do free-running and parkour type stuff, and sometimes I worry that he's going to fall on his head), but the generalized paranoia is pretty much gone. I do seem to have a higher-than-normal level of anxiety about walking near traffic, even on sidewalks. DD2 shows no signs of being a bolter (dd1 was a bolter - drove me nuts!), but I'm super edgy every time we're walking along a road. I'm not sure why. I don't have the "OMG - she could die in her sleep! OMG  -someone could break into the bedroom! OMG - he's going to die because he got some popcorn and could choke!" thing going on, anymore. I think it's a normal part of being a new parent, but I don't miss i.

[MrsGregory]

erigeron, I think I understand your sentiments.  I actually just slept about 12 hours straight for 3 consecutive nights... well, with nursing breaks of course... I felt, when I woke up, much more refreshed, and although I am still a fairly hyper-vigilant person by nature, I have noticed that I seem to have relaxed a little.  My daughter is just now 7 months old, has already survived a minor mishap, a nasty cold or two, a less-than-alert-Papa and several encounters with complete strangers, so maybe I'm starting to realize that mine might actually survive.  Oh yay! 

She's napping now, and I confess, I have cracked the door so that I can peek through where the door meets the frame and see her little chest move up and down, up and down...

 

[nextcommercial]

I had two paranoia issues.  One was much worse than the others.

My daughter was always sick.  (looking back, I was doing everything wrong)  But, since she was always so sick, I kept assuming it would get worse.  I felt like I loved her so so much, that this was too good to be true, and could/would be taken from me.  I expected to be one of those moms who got the bad news that her illnesses were really from AIDS, or Cancer.  I actually envisioned myself being that mom on St Jude's telethon talking about how wonderful the nurses are.  I pictured myself losing everything I owned and living in the hospital trying to help my child survive.  My life would be turned upside down, and everything would change.  

Because why not?  Why not me?  Why not my child?  Why all those other children and not mine?  I lost so much sleep over this fear.  I couldn't watch telethons.  I never donated money to St Judes or Phoenix Children's hospital because I felt like I was tempting fate.  It was in the back of my head every time she got a sore throat of complained of leg pain.

*******************************

My other fear was that she would fall from her second story window.  Or the balcony.  I was insanely uptight about that kind of thing.

In the end, neither one of those things ever happened.  I have never even known anybody who's child became very ill, or fell from a window.   I don't even know anybody who knows anybody IRL who has had anything like that happen.  So, My fears were obsessive for nothing.  

I have a daycare, and have had hundreds of kids in my life for 30 years, and I've had only a small handful of families who have suffered any kind of tragic loss.  Two of my former daycare kids died in a bus accident about three years ago when they were in high school, on a ski trip.  That was horrific, but so random.  None of my own fears have ever been a part of my life, so I don't know why I had them.

[erigeron]

SIDS scares the pants off of me... not so much those rare disease things. I don't worry when my child bumps her head or sniffles. I figure babies bump their heads and they sniffle... particularly my kid, who gets lousy sinuses from both sides of the family. I worry more about being nailed out of the sky (baby snatcher, SIDS) than about stuff that's actually more likely.

I read the book Protecting the Gift, which I think was helpful. He points out that the likelihood of a child being kidnapped by a stranger is less than the likelihood of them dying of a heart attack, and nobody worries that their healthy kid will have a heart attack.

At any rate, making it to 6 months, when the SIDS risk drops, definitely eased my mind some. I think it'll be a little easier with the next one too, as I have a frame of reference.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial 

My other fear was that she would fall from her second story window.  Or the balcony.  I was insanely uptight about that kind of thing.

In the end, neither one of those things ever happened.  I have never even known anybody who's child became very ill, or fell from a window.   I don't even know anybody who knows anybody IRL who has had anything like that happen.  So, My fears were obsessive for nothing.  

I have a daycare, and have had hundreds of kids in my life for 30 years, and I've had only a small handful of families who have suffered any kind of tragic loss.  Two of my former daycare kids died in a bus accident about three years ago when they were in high school, on a ski trip.  That was horrific, but so random.  None of my own fears have ever been a part of my life, so I don't know why I had them.

My uncle fell off a roof when he was 8. He climbed up when my grandma wasn't looking. Poor woman had 3 boys who regularly almost gave her heart attacks (bringing snakes home, climbing onto the roof, intentionally tipping over the small sailboat they had, etc, etc, etc.).