I'll try and answer many of the things you all have mentioned in the probably 10 mins I have before the baby realizes I'm no longer laying down next to her and starts to wail...lol.
1. DH knows how I feel. I just don't think he gets it though. He isn't apathetic to my pleas, but he doesn't know how to help me, and when he doesn't know how to help, he kinda just gets paralyzed. He doesn't understand the solitude. He doesn't understand the need for communication, for a release. He isn't one who has many friends or ever had a real hobby so he doesn't get those aspects of my complaints. He does do a ton around the house - but nothing is his responsibility outright, so he never instigates doing anything on his own unless I lose my sh*t on him about what a wreck the house is and why is it that I can walk into a room and see what needs to be done and he can walk into the same room and not know what needs to be done. He is always willing to help, but to have to spoon feed to him what it is I need him to do takes as much if not more energy out of me than just doing it myself most times.
*** I type about 100 wpm. This is as far as I was able to get before the baby started crying. Seriously. She is now at my feet, begging to come up. This is what I'm dealing with here ***
2. I have no friends where I live. Well, like one. Two if you count the mama I met in the park a few months back who I've had 2 play dates with. She's cool and all, but not close. Everyone else I know is far, far away. I've never really had group outings with other moms, never been to a LLL meeting, etc. since I've only been a SAHM for about 3 months. My one friend, we are definitely close, but here's the deal with her: she has a child with cystic fibrosis and a husband who is the biggest @sshole on the face of the planet. Not kidding. She is also 14yrs younger than me which doesn't always present a problem, but from an "energy/in shape" standpoint, she's able to run circles around me and I think she may not understand what it is to be in pain every day and then use your "good days" to actually clean your house. So while I ABSOLUTELY feel for her in her situation (please don't think that I don't, because I do), all she ever does is compare her situations to mine. For instance... I was complaining about my DH to her and she says "Heath, really, you DO know you have one of the good ones, right? I mean, I'll gladly trade you if you want and then you'll see what other people have to deal with..." And she's not kidding - if I were married to her DH, I would EASILY have been divorced by now. But that completely invalidates my feelings about my own situation. *** BTW, baby was on my lap for a good 2 mins and now is screaming because I put her down. I'm telling you people, I'm eventually gonna lose it. *** And in regard to her child - the middle babe of 3 boys - who has cystic fibrosis... YES I get what a catastrophic disease it is and what it means for him. I truly do. But when I tell her that I found out that I will have to have double knee replacement in the next 5 years and I start crying about it because just thinking about the rehab and who will care for my kids, etc, she says "At least they can FIX that... my son can't be fixed... it's really not that bad...". And she's not trying to be snotty about it or one-up me on it. She really isn't. She's trying to put it into perspective for me. But it doesn't stop there. I tell her that my Dr's have found that I tested with elevated inflammation and might have a number of different things, including cancer (it's a long shot, but still) and she literally says to me, "Well that's no big deal, they can fix that. You'll be fine". Then when I tell her that fine or not, I might have rheumatoid arthritis and may end up with having to take shots for the rest of my life and be in pain every day for the rest of my life and eventually end up with disfigured joints and limited mobility, her response isn't "OMG, I'm so sorry you have to go through this... you must be so stressed out!". Nope. Her response is, "Well my son will end up with clubbed hands and feet within the next 5 years because his circulation is so bad. Don't you ever notice that his hands and feet are always blue?" It kills me. I feel like if I say something to her, I'm discounting the fact that there is a really huge chance she will watch her son die from his disease. But I'll go nuts if she tries to invalidate my daily pain by reminding me of that every time I feel like I need to reach out to someone. I just don't talk to her about it anymore. No, I wouldn't trade places with her for anything and I know how fortunate I am to have healthy kids and a DH who is nothing like hers... but if I can't talk to her about things like this, then... ??? Other than her, I truly have no other lose friends who have kids - they're all 40-somethings who are single and childless... so I don't even dare to lay this crap all out on them. I've tried, they really can't possibly understand... and more power to them for not having the same burdens...lol.
3. This SAHM gig is new to me since the end of March of this year - so only like 3 months at most. I thought things would get better once I figured out a routine, but all I've figured out is that there is no routine and there can never be a routine when you're home alone with a 33month old toddler who is headstrong and a nonstop chatterbox who refuses to put toys away, and an 11 month old who just needs to be touched 90% of the time she's awake. I try and try but nothing ever goes smoothly. Ever.
4. Our daycare that we used F/T when I was working a few months ago DOES do P/T... however, even a part time job wouldn't be able to afford the cost of it. It's about $50-60/day for both girls to go. The money from the P/T job would be a wash once I paid daycare. I get the idea that it wouldn't matter if I were doing something I loved to do, but there isn't anything near me (within a 30-40min drive) that qualifies. And, with the gas, the travel, etc, etc... I just don't know if it's all worth it in the end. It's not that I wouldn't want the work, but with where I'm at physically, the only feasible thing would involve standing all day, etc, and I just can't do that right now.
5. I had a girls night out a few weeks ago, and it involved me sleeping over my friends house, too. It was fantastic! However... my first night away to do my own thing after my 3 year old was born was me being admitted into the hospital early to have my second. My first night away to do my own thing after my second was born? That girls night out a few weeks ago. I get my hair done every two months and that's about 5hrs of time I get to myself, but once every 8 weeks? And without the conversation I so desperately crave? It really does nothing but make me anxious to get home and do all the things I could be doing if I were home. Besides, to get all bitched up with my hair done and never get to wear it down is kinda depressing too... kinda remind me that I never do anything every time I get it done, but I still go, just in case.
I have to go. I can't take her screaming anymore. That's another thing - I'm hypersensitive to baby cries. Makes my anxiety go through the roof. REALLY bad. So, I end up carrying a child all day and night long. Like I am right now. Typing one handed again. It's fabulous. I'm seriously 3 seconds away from getting in the car and driving away... I have no idea how this will ever be ok, or when (more like IF) this will ever get better. I'm like a prisoner serving a jail sentence - with no time off for good behavior. At least that's how I feel sometimes...
*** I just talked to DH and he's going to take 3 days off of work and wrap it around a weekend so that he can understand exactly how I spend my days. He will be forbidden from visiting his parents, too...lol. Let's see how this goes...
Edited by Headmeister - 6/30/11 at 2:32pm