Anyone else hate being a SAHM? - Page 2

[LoveMyThirsties]

Wow, sounds like a really difficult time.  I'm kinda going through it too except I only have one child-- a 7 month old very active little boy!  But heck, now I feel bad for complaining because you really have it tough.  I agree that you should no longer vent to your friend.  It sounds like she is very wrapped up in the illness of her child (as she should be) to understand what is happening to you.  I think for your mental state of mind don't vent to her anymore. Invalidated feelings are the worst when all you need is someone to just emotionally hold you-- I know about this b/c DH is like that : (.  

Try to go to LLL meetings.  Also look up for new mom groups in the hospitals in your area.  As a new mom myself I looked for these and started going just so I have other moms to talk to and possibly get some advice.  There are always children running around.  I'm not sure how difficult it would be with your pain but please try to go.  It has been a saving grace for me because I look forward to them and I feel like I can relate to some of the moms.

As far as going out-- can you go out after your DH comes home from work?  Even if its once a week for about an hour or two?  I do that sometimes although not nearly enough.

The last thing I want to say is to hang in there and take it day by day (such a cliche huh?).  Your words ring so familiar to me and I want to just call you so we can both vent or heck, have a margarita or two.  Sometimes I just cry-- and then I feel better.  I hate crying but there is nothing else for me to do sometimes.  Other times I just let the house be and not do anything but play with my son.  And if my DH doesn't like it well, I've learned not to let it bother me.  He really does think his job and mine (being a SAHM) are comparable. I've quit venting to him (which, sadly, is another post all on its own).  Lots of hugs and well wishes to you.  Hang in there.

[tpase]

Oh. My. God.

Staying at home to raise the kids (2; 3yrs and 13 months) without friends or family (all live far far away) is the HARDEST thing in the world. Women/Parents who SAH to raise their kids should ONLY be supportive of each other. It does not matter what one's individual situation is, but staying at home is HARD HARD HARD! Like pulling all nighters for an exam that keeps getting post-poned.

I hear you.

Had a successful career - did meaningful work - imagined I was changing the world - and then BAM, I have babies in the belly and I have to raise them. I hate housework, and I hate living in a mess. Lose lose situation.

But I love the kids, and I know that as much as I bitch and moan and groan today - someday I will be looking back wondering who took my needy little toddler and my screaming little baby and left me with young adults that are hardly ever around.

I say, screw the cleaning and housework, gather up the kids and take them out with you to do the stuff that you like doing. I used to take my elder one to coffee shops with me, and sit and "chat" while I sipped my cappuccino. I had no time to seek out friendships with other moms - it required more planning...and now with 2 it feels damn near impossible to get any planning done - so I just hung out with my little girl. (BTW she has the most astounding vocabulary! lol)

Recently I was telling her how I used to work, and now I am jobless and she said, You are not jobless mama. Your job is to take care of me and my little sister.

Damn straight little one...

[treehugz]

Yes, DITTO your entire post tpase!  Especially the part about ditching the housework and taking the kiddos with you to hang out... excellent for vocab development!

[MrsSurplus]

I'm so sorry, Mama!  As others here have said, staying home with kids is HARD work!  Doing it without support is crazy hard!  As others have said, it sounds like you need some time for you (when hubby's home, I guess, as outside help doesn't seem to be an option right now).  I LOVE the opportunity to go for a walk by myself and actually complete thoughts!  I also agree with an earlier commenter who said to simplify down to what really needs done (actually, I think she said to ditch the housework) and just enjoy your babies and go out and make some friends! 

Finally, and I hope this isn't terribly unpopular or offensive and it's just a suggestion...but I know that when I change my expectations, I'm a whole lot happier.  I'm tandem nursing and bedsharing with the 3yo and the 1yo these days and sometimes, in the middle of the night I get resentful if the 3yo in particular wakes and wants to nurse.  It's usually in my half sleep and I grumble and make things difficult for both of us...but if I just ask myself what the problem is - why is it a big deal to nurse her for the 3 minutes it will take her to fall asleep, I usually realize that I'm not really opposed to doing it, I'm just feeling put upon...  I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe, instead of resenting the baby wanting to be on your lap when you're on the computer you tell yourself that you'll play on the computer either when the kids are asleep or when the baby's on your lap...then you may look forward to the baby wanting to be held - so you can do some surfing....  There for a while I really looked forward to solo trips to the neighborhood store for an item or two.  I could get away for 15 - 20 minutes by myself for a needed break (NOTHING wrong with that!) but the 3yo REALLY wanted to go with me and would be awfully sad when I didn't take her (STILL nothing wrong with going by myself), but when I decided to change my attitude - to see the trips as an opportunity for one on one time with a child, I not only didn't resent taking her, I relished it. 

Anyway, what you're feeling is very real and very understandable!  I hope you can find some changes that work for your family - you don't need to be miserable and how great if you and the kids can look back at this period of time as that wonderful window when you all got to spend time together.  You know how it goes, once you're working again you'll likely look back and miss alot of this.  Good luckd!!

[Crazykay66]

I just found this post by googling "I hate being SAHM".    My daughters are 4 yrs and 2 yrs, and I have been a SAHM since my older daughter was born.   For me its always been hard, and I keep waiting for it to get a bit easier and it doesn't..it just changes.     Hugs to you as I vividly remember how difficult it was having a 3 year old and 1 year old.     I haven't read all the previous posts, but definitely find a way to have your husband help out more.  The whole notion that SAHMs should be able to take care of kids, clean house, cook meals, keep up on all the $#!% is purely craziness.      I wanted to suggest if you could find a Mothers Helper.  Maybe a neighbor girl or such, someone who could come in an help with the girls or the dishes, etc....and usually doesn't cost much.    You wouldn't necessarily leave the kids person, but they'd be an extra set of hands.  I know it might take a few weeks for your kids to adust, but the long-term could be worth it.

I have no great advice.  To say its the  hardest job is an understatement.   There have been periods where its been difficult for me to find any time.  I usually turn to taking a hot bath, by myself, for 30 minutes a couple times a week, after the kids are in bed.  It does miracles for the soul.

[poorlittlefish]

Hi there,

I just was reading this thread and wanted to add something.  I completely mean this with no sarcasm, no snark nothing like that.  I read this quote the other day and it really rang true with me.  I work full time and also have 2 DD's at home, 3 and 1.  I feel stretched so thin between work, 2 hours of commuting, cleaning, spending quality time with my kids etc.  I have a wonderful husband who helps a ton but I couldn't stop focusing on the bad and how hard life was and how I wish I was home with my girls which is the reason that I am on this forum in the first place! 

I for sure can understand how hard it would be to be home full time and know that everyone needs a place to vent so please, again don't take this as snarky, I am just hoping that you can get from this what I got from it which is to reshape the way that I am thinking and change the things I can to lighten my load.  Good luck.

 

[MamaMunchkin]

Haven't read all the replies - but have you considered getting a mother's helper?  Even a few hours a week would help to give you a little break. 

[Ekatherina]

sorry, could not read through all the posts, but I suggest you make a schedule with ur dh, when he is home to take care of the kids so that you can get OUT of the house and do whatever you want. Spending whole day with the kids totally on me, drives me completely nuts....

[newmamalizzy]

I wouldn't say I hate it, but I don't love it.  DD was unplanned, so suddenly all of my plans and dreams for the future were wiped away.  I didn't choose for my entire lifestyle to change, and it's exactly that - the lack of choice about it - that still irks me.  When I feel angry or am having problems with DD, I KNOW that this weird bitterness about having my life taken away without my permission is there lurking underneath it all.  We're 15 months in, and I'm still hanging on to it, far more tightly than I should.  I sense the same anger in you, that this SAHM-thing HAPPENED to you.  Your life as you knew it, the whole way that you identified yourself, was pulled away without your permission or internal preparation.  Sometimes I try to think of it as going through the stages or mourning or something.  I think these feelings are justified, but it doesn't make them beneficial or easy to deal with. 

Anyway, I was wondering if it would help you to tell us something about yourself that doesn't have anything to do with the kids?  I'm not sure where the appropriate space is on this forum to do it, but I think it would be helpful to have a kid-free discussion zone for SAHMs, to help us remember who we are and what are aspirations are for ourselves. 

[mamaofthree]

((hug)) i am so sorry things are sucking so bad for you right now. it sounds so hard. i can't imagine dealing with all of the kid stuff and chronic pain.

my dh is a bit like yours it sounds like. he just doesn't seem to get it at times, it isn't that he is a jerk at all, just clueless. we will go along with me doing everything (which is fine) and then i blow up (not so fine) and then he helps out and then slowly he stops and we start it all over again. i love the idea of a chore list. just so he knows what you need help with. my dh will go into a living room that is full of toys and games and not see the mess. lol i am about to go nuts! 

i love being a homemaker and a sahm. i really do, BUT that doesn't mean it isn't harder then $%#@! and that some days just suck (i found that to be true with my job too. lol)

do you have a good parks and recs near you? or maybe taking a CC course or even getting a part time job just on weekends (or when ever dh isn't working)? i have no idea what you did before, but could you work in a used book store? just to get out and be around people? how is your dh with your little one? 

maybe with your friend you could have some sort of "it's ok to vent" rule? i have a wonderful group of friends and we just say.. i am venting i don't want advice just nod and say i understand. lol sometimes you just want to get it off your chest. 

((hug))

h

[meetoo]

  

I haven't read through all the post so sorry if I'm repeating anything.  Being a SAHM mom can be very isolating. I would make your number 1 priority finding some mommy friends! Find moms you enjoy being around even if they are more mainstream or whatever than you. Try story times, toddler class, some towns offer  free play groups.  Maybe you could start a meet up/play group for moms in their forties so you can find women you might have more in common with.  It's really important to have grown ups you can talk to. You can go  crazy being  SAHM without that network. 

I'm not sure if going back to work is an option for you or not, but if it is and your miserable home take it and don't feel guilty in the least! Not everyone is meant to be a SAHM and that is ok!  If you do need to be home right now try a routine. A good routine can be a life savers for you! Try to get both your girls napping together. If they nap/rest at the same time that should give you at least an hour. Build in a couple short videos into your routine (again should give you a few minutes of peace). Try to spend some time playing on the floor with your kids everyday. Try to get them outside everyday! If you can't chase them around fence in your back yard or go to fenced in toddler parks.  Routines really help everyone and is not the same thing as a schedule. A routine just means the kids know what's coming next, not that they have to have lunch everyday at 11:15.

Try to focus on the all positive things about being home and journal/blog them. Watching your child walk for the first time, or afinding a worm under a log, looking all silly in the high chair covered in sauce....All those little moments you would miss if they were in child care.  Sometimes writing down what you did in a journal or blog form can help you realize you are doing something all day even if the rest of the world just thinks you "stay home all day". 

As far as your husband goes my advice is to vent if you really need to, but try to find other mommies to vent to if you can. The reason I say this is he is probably feeling overwhelmed too and the worst thing you can do is turn it into some kind of peeing contest of who does the most work. KWIM?  Try to save most of your vents for mommy friends who will understand. Bring things to your husband that he can actually fix. Like "I'm feeling very overwhelmed by the end of the day do you think you can take over the bath/bed time routine?" That way he will have a job he knows he is suppose to do everyday. He will have some time to really bond with his kids and you will get a few minutes peace everyday. :) 

As far as house work just lower your standards for a while. lol Being home creates more messes. Aim for non sticky and sanitary. Keep baskets around to toss toys into for quick clean ups and if you can afford it hire someone to do the heavy work every few weeks.  

[faerymagick34]

Yeah I know the feeling, i unfortunately cannot find work anymore because I was a stay at home mom. I haven't been able to work in 2 years and yes I am affecting my whole family and now I am pregnant again with number 4. I will say it does get easy, it got easy for me when all three were in school, I then had a lot of time to myself. I also still am the only one in charge of the house, i still do all the cleaning, most cooking, lawn mowing, pay bills, grocery shop,laundry, run the kids around, and do anything else my husband asks. I have no hobbies as I find I have no time to find what I am good at. I have no friends and we don't live near any family members.

The good news is I am finally able to go to college, and I am 34. If I could have done it all over again, I never would have had the kids in the short amount of time that I did. I got married when I was 19, had my first when I was 20, then my second at 23 and my third at 25. I never had a the living it up type of life, never did the normal things that most 20 year olds did. I had to take care of a baby all by myself. My husband was around but never helped with anything. So i did waste most of my life! i regret it now because I am 34 and have only worked a few jobs. I will write more later

[chiefmir]

Hi Heather-- I think I remember you from another website (I recognized your daughter's name!)... we were pregnant with our 11month olds at the same time (mine will be 12 months on the 29th).  I just want to say that I agree 100000% that being home is harder than going to work.  It just is.  I love my three girls with every ounce of my being, but days home are HARD and exhausting.  I am eternally thankful that my DH either understood this from the beginning or faked that he understood this.  Over the last 2 years, he has been home 1 week day per week and definately gets it now if he was faking before.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you have every right to be exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed.  I work part time, and DH and I decided when I was pg with DD1 that as long as my income paid for daycare than I was going to keep working.  I am a great mom.... but not a great full time stay-at-home mom.  Working part time means that I (almost always but definately not always) can enjoy my days at home with the two younger girls (30mnths and 11 months) and even not freak out on the days that the almost 6 year old is there too.  A few things that get me through the hardest, longest days and evenings when DH is working past my own bedtime and i've been with the girls alone for 15 hours: 

NEVER do any cleaning that isn't absolutely needed (i.e. pick things off the floor that the baby could swallow) in my few mintutes of down time

put everything that can conceivably be dishwashed in the dishwasher- including bottles and pots/pans taht I would normally wash by hand on less rushed days

bring my phone or a magazine with me into the playroom and catch a few minutes every now and then while both are magically engaged in a toy

let them make a huge mess (toys, tupperware whatever) and don't try to clean up as I go along

If the baby is napping, find a way to keep the older one quiet and entertained without me for at least part of that time (Dora works well) while I eat popcorn and get online

bath.  put the toddler in a bath with all the great bath toys that she usually has to share and sit on the floor and play with the baby.

also, have you looked into meeting other moms through any meetup.com groups in your area?

good luck.  I know it is hard. very hard.

[MrsBone]

I don't hate it, but I also have a lot of help from family and friends, so I can't say that if I weren't in your situation that I wouldn't be feeling the same way. Do you go to church? Sometimes getting involved in a church can mean instant friends, instant help whenever you need it, etc. I'm pretty involved with my church and it's sort of an understanding that no one pays anyone else for childcare. We all trade. It's amazing. Have you tried meetup.com to find a playgroup in your area? After staying at home when DS was 16 months old I needed to find something. I didn't know I could find playgroups online! Also if you get close enough with your friends in the group, you can trade childcare. That has been a lifesaver. My pastor will pretty much watch DS whenever I need him to, for free. All he asks is that I watch his kids sometime too. I would say its pretty vital for you to A)figure out a way to have time to yourself at least once a week, and B) Find some friends. Seriously..whoever came up with "it takes a village to raise a child," wasn't kidding! It does! That said, I do remember the age with DS that was a clingy age. It was hard to leave him with anyone. Hopefully by the time your littlest are 2 or 2 1/2 they'll become more independent like mine did. I'm sorry you are feeling this way right now, I remember feeling like that with DS because he was CLINGY and nursed for comfort 24/7. I felt like I wasn't myself anymore.

[imakecutebabies]

I have good days and bad ones, but overall pretty much feel like being a SAHM is not fitting for me. It drives me pretty insane and I find it a bit mind boggling that people say it is their dream come true -- while awesome for them, I just can't imagine.

The best thing that ever happened to me was when we moved to nyc for me to work fulltime and my husband became the SAHD. It was just such an affirming, invigorating, eye-opening experience. He got to really see and feel what it meant. I had been a SAHM for 5 years up until that point and ALWAYS had a very hard time with it. I love my kids, I love planning fun events, crafting, cooking ..... but somehow just doing all of those things over and over and over again day after day makes me crazy, no matter which way I shake it up. I'm back to being a SAHM now because the job was temporary, but I work parttime which is much better than just being at home all the time... but I constantly feel like tallying up how much I do in comparison to my husband now that he is back at work fulltime (escaping) and I'm taking care of what seems like everything else! Lol, I needed to vent....... 

I feel like you do too... It's proabably a personality thing. I have to imagine that not everyone is cut out for this. I'm not that into social mom circles/playdates so that makes it harder. We have another baby on the way, and I am sooooo excited and happy to be expecting, and a little weary of how much I will be home while hubby is away at work..... but we have a one year goal to both work freelance on & off, swapping SAH duties. 

If you know its not right for you, make a change, set a goal. No reason to be miserable for years to come. (Lol, I give this advice as I too am still working towards it, so I know how hard and impossible it seems) 

[MomofSev]

You are not alone, OP (and anyone else who has supported her discussion). I have my moments where I remember what I wanted to be before becoming a SAHM and sometimes feel cheated.. especially on bad days where my son is acting up. But then there are the moments where I remember that this is the most important job I will EVER have..and then I am able to get the feeling of achievement/accomplishment I need from making sure I do this job the best that I can.

[Alenushka]

you do not have to do everything single thing you do recent.

get a part time job.

Kids can go to day care and preshool part time.

Or get  nanny to come in  2 days a week and do what you like to do.

Get a cleaning lady

Eat out more

the list is endless.

You have power balance issues. In or society however make money hold the power. he make money and does nothing around the house. You make not money, hence you stuck with everything.

Who has it worse?  You situation seems really horrible.  You are not happy and sound resent full. I am sure your DH and kids feel it too.

the key here is not change how you feel, because what you feel is par for the course. The key is to sit down with DH and decide how you can change your life.

Originally Posted by Headmeister 

Don't flame me please. I'm just looking for an outlet to be real.

I hate it. I love my children, but I hate that I have cashed in who I am for who I have become, because I get no fulfillment from it at all. I have no family support and no outlet to vent to. Anyone I DO have tells me I shouldn't complain because they have it worse. I'm not trying to play that game, I'm just trying to vent my frustrations, but I have no one to do that with unless I want to be told how good I have it compared to them. I'm just so tired of being the boss, manager, only responsible person in the house. I'm tired of being everybody's everything and being nothing to myself. I'm tired of always being the one sacrificing and getting nothing in return. My husband works and is out of the house 10hrs a day M-F but rather than think of him being responsible, I think of him escaping and having a good excuse for it. He has no clue how much harder my job is than his, and he'll never know or understand. And, other than taking out the garbage, his job is his only responsibility. I'd give him more, but then I'd have to remind him to do them every other day, and then because of that I then become the nagging wife, and I can't deal with getting into it with him after having hellishly exhausting days at home. So, he gets off scott free. Must be nice to have a mommy figure living with him, doing everything for him and everyone else, leaving him to worry about nothing and no one but himself. Can you tell that I'm beginning to resent him a little??? lol...

So how do you take care of everything else and still hold on to yourself? I never even have two hands free to do anything other than cook, clean, feed babies and pick $%#@ off the floor 24/7. So, I can't imagine how I'd ever be able to do anything like sew again, or read a book. My kids are almost 3 and almost 1, and while people are constantly telling me "enjoy it, it goes sooo fast", I'm praying every day to make it go faster because the constant, 24/7 care-taking is taking its toll on me. And, if I hear "it'll get better in a few years" one more time... That doesn't help me to not hate it NOW.. it only makes me dread the next few years knowing that I have no other choice than to jsut suck it up and live like this, unhappy, for years to come...

Am I the only one who will honestly say they aren't happy being a SAHM?

[xzaviers_mama]

I haven't read all of the other replies yet, but I just wanted to say that I totally understand.  I mean, my dream was always to be able to do what I'm doing now, but the reality of living it is a bit more than I imagined.  I wouldn't change things necessarily, because I love being able to raise  my own kids, and not have to send them off to daycare or whatever.... BUT, the way you talk about your DH could have been written from my own fingers.  I think the worst part for me is that he absolutely does not get it.  Period.  He doesn't understand that I have zero adult interaction.  I have NO family here, and have made NO friends... mainly because I have no car, so I rarely get to leave our home.  I understand that he is working all day, just like I am... but he's surrounded by coworkers, who chat, and laugh and joke with him.  He's got other people to relate to all day long.  People praise him when he handles something difficult, etc., etc.  No one gives a rat's a** when I make a vomit stain disappear, or when I manage to make a full lunch, while singing nursery rhymes AND nursing a baby.  

I'll go back and read the other replies now... but some of what you said really hit home for me.  And while I really don't want to rush through my boys being little, I can understand looking forward to that time when things do get easier.  That being said... I'm expecting our 4th son in October, so I'm starting fresh, all over again....lol.  (That's another reason that I can't vent to anyone in my life... because they all say something like, "Well then why'd you go and get pregnant again?")

[xzaviers_mama]

Originally Posted by Katwoman 

I

Have you had a chance to talk to your DH about how your feeling?  Perhaps work out with him a way you can have an hour or two on the weekend to be totally away?  (I've been known to drive to a parking lot during a snow storm with a book.)  Talk to him about leaving you a lone for 10 mins while you shower?  (I mean, unless the house is on fire.  Is there really any issue he can't handle for 10 mins?) 

Same here!  I tell DH I'm going to get groceries, and I do... but not until I sit in my car and read for a while, or talk on the phone to a friend... with NO kids screaming at me.

[MrsSurplus]

I've already responded to the post by the OP with some (hopefully helpful) suggestions but a couple of the more recent posts - indicating resentment at how motherhood had changed the lives of the posters in a way they hadn't anticipated and don't appreciate made me think of this card that used to hang over my desk at work: