Anyone else hate being a SAHM? - Page 3

[newmamalizzy]

Originally Posted by xzaviers_mama 

I haven't read all of the other replies yet, but I just wanted to say that I totally understand.  I mean, my dream was always to be able to do what I'm doing now, but the reality of living it is a bit more than I imagined.  I wouldn't change things necessarily, because I love being able to raise  my own kids, and not have to send them off to daycare or whatever.... BUT, the way you talk about your DH could have been written from my own fingers.  I think the worst part for me is that he absolutely does not get it.  Period.  He doesn't understand that I have zero adult interaction.  I have NO family here, and have made NO friends... mainly because I have no car, so I rarely get to leave our home.  I understand that he is working all day, just like I am... but he's surrounded by coworkers, who chat, and laugh and joke with him.  He's got other people to relate to all day long.  People praise him when he handles something difficult, etc., etc.  No one gives a rat's a** when I make a vomit stain disappear, or when I manage to make a full lunch, while singing nursery rhymes AND nursing a baby.  

I'll go back and read the other replies now... but some of what you said really hit home for me.  And while I really don't want to rush through my boys being little, I can understand looking forward to that time when things do get easier.  That being said... I'm expecting our 4th son in October, so I'm starting fresh, all over again....lol.  (That's another reason that I can't vent to anyone in my life... because they all say something like, "Well then why'd you go and get pregnant again?")

About the difference for your working husband, I totally agree.  It's a question of having autonomy.  Even on the job, you generally determine your own actions moment-to-moment.  As a SAHM, every moment feels dictated, you know? 

And MrsSurplus, thanks for sharing that picture.

[cms2]

I could have titled this post. Thank you for being real. I could not possibly do this and be in chronic pain. Nor could I do this if I had more than one little one at a time. No wonder you are at the end of your rope. I absolutely feel for you. (((hugs)))

I'm a SAHM to a 10 yo boy and a 17month old girl. Having an older, in school child left me with a lot of me time and freedom to pursue my own interests. To start all over with an infant has been incredibly challenging and difficult for me. I mourn the loss of my freedom and free time every single day. Even after 17 months, you'd think I'd be over it and adjusted to my new life, but I'm not. My husband's life really didn't change, but mine was turned upside down. I feel like I'm constantly stuck in a rut with no way out. I hate to say that I want to be able to fast forward time. I feel very selfish even thinking and saying these things, but this is how I feel. I do not enjoy caring for young children. I did not enjoy my older child when he was younger. I worked part time back then and he went to daycare fulltime and I did not breastfeed him. So I spent much less time with him than my toddler. My toddler is still breastfed and that alone creates a massive commitment to never be away for more than a few hours. I have resented that I was/am the only one to feed her and put her to sleep. She never took a bottle. I resent that I can't just go away for the weekend with my DH. When my older child was 13 months, we went away for a few days and it was the best vacation ever. Probably because it was so desperately needed.

I feel like I have no real support. I have no SAHM friends. The only relative than can babysit for us has ongoing health issues and really can't be much help. I am lonely and bored and just going through the motions. Just trying to get through the day... just get through the week. I find myself eating too much sugar and junk. It makes me feel good and it puts some pleasure into my day. I too, count down the hours until DH comes back home. He's an accountant, so for 4 months out of the year he works insane hours and we see very little of him. I'm already dreading that. Right now he's away about 10.5 hours a day. My husband knows how I feel and asks what he can do to help, but honestly I don't know. I planned on putting her into daycare for 2 mornings a week. We went to visit a few times and she got so incredibly sick. Something I presumed she picked up in there. I'm such a germaphobe and absolutely hate having a sick kid, so I keep her home with me all the time and hate that too. Talk about stuck between a rock and a hard place. My older child was constantly sick in daycare and I just can't deal with that all over again. I'm miserable but do not know how to make things better for myself.

I will say that the upside of being a SAHM is that my toddler is thriving. She is so smart and has such a big vocabulary already. That constant interaction is at least benefitting her. My older child is also incredibly smart and funny and I do enjoy him more and more the older he gets.

I think the only thing we can do is just hang on. Keep plugging away, day in and day out, and it will eventually get better. It is most unfortunate that it is just not sooner.

[Twopeaedpod]

Just wanted to chime in with "yes", I hate it most days.

I feel guilty about hating it. I wish I could pull myself out of my depressive slump long enough to actually figure out what to do about it, but I've done that many times and there's never a solution. I love my kids and I want what's best for them. Me being home is best for them right now.

So, I sacrifice.

And keep telling myself it will not last forever and stealing little moments of sanity-savers when/wherever I can.

Best of luck in your journey as well.

*hugs

[polishprinsezz]

do any of you ladies live in florida? i am north of orlando and real lonely here and stressed. i would love to make a like minded friend.

[BabyMae09]

I didn't read any of the replies, but here's my advice:

Stop cleaning so much. If your kids still nap, sit on your behind and read or whatever you want to do while they nap. When your husband gets home, leave. Go to the store, library, anywhere. A clean home is a sign of a wasted life, after all. Your kids, you, and your husband need you to function better than you are. Take care of yourself :)

I was in your place just a few months ago, and if I hadn't started doing the things I mentioned, I would have lost my effing mind. Don't let it happen to you. And, as an aside, make sure you're hitting up your hubby for some date nights, hugs, handholding, snuggles, and sex whenever you can - the hormone boost will do you good :) I didn't make the time to do those things with my husband because I was always tired/grumpy (among other more complicated reasons), and it was one of the reasons I split with him for a few months.

Originally Posted by Headmeister 

Don't flame me please. I'm just looking for an outlet to be real.

I hate it. I love my children, but I hate that I have cashed in who I am for who I have become, because I get no fulfillment from it at all. I have no family support and no outlet to vent to. Anyone I DO have tells me I shouldn't complain because they have it worse. I'm not trying to play that game, I'm just trying to vent my frustrations, but I have no one to do that with unless I want to be told how good I have it compared to them. I'm just so tired of being the boss, manager, only responsible person in the house. I'm tired of being everybody's everything and being nothing to myself. I'm tired of always being the one sacrificing and getting nothing in return. My husband works and is out of the house 10hrs a day M-F but rather than think of him being responsible, I think of him escaping and having a good excuse for it. He has no clue how much harder my job is than his, and he'll never know or understand. And, other than taking out the garbage, his job is his only responsibility. I'd give him more, but then I'd have to remind him to do them every other day, and then because of that I then become the nagging wife, and I can't deal with getting into it with him after having hellishly exhausting days at home. So, he gets off scott free. Must be nice to have a mommy figure living with him, doing everything for him and everyone else, leaving him to worry about nothing and no one but himself. Can you tell that I'm beginning to resent him a little??? lol...

So how do you take care of everything else and still hold on to yourself? I never even have two hands free to do anything other than cook, clean, feed babies and pick $%#@ off the floor 24/7. So, I can't imagine how I'd ever be able to do anything like sew again, or read a book. My kids are almost 3 and almost 1, and while people are constantly telling me "enjoy it, it goes sooo fast", I'm praying every day to make it go faster because the constant, 24/7 care-taking is taking its toll on me. And, if I hear "it'll get better in a few years" one more time... That doesn't help me to not hate it NOW.. it only makes me dread the next few years knowing that I have no other choice than to jsut suck it up and live like this, unhappy, for years to come...

Am I the only one who will honestly say they aren't happy being a SAHM?

[robin7373]

Im a stay at home mom & I absolutely hate it. I have twin boys that are almost 4mths old & I Love them but get sick of it some days more than others & my husband nagging. Oh God ..I feel everything you were saying, I lost myself to give my boys who they are. Its about them & I never get the so much desired break I want. No family or friends to help, really sucks. Plus I don't trust anyone with my boys to take care of them & be responsible so I won't even hire a babysitter with a background check, it is a stranger to me. oh my God I hate this some days & today is one & it is because my husband actually makes it worse, adding more stress. I wish he could understand or even communicate with me which is what I want but he barely does, then again I dont have to listen to him so that is a plus. Yep it sucks.

[robin7373]

I forgot to add I am very unhappy doing this & being this, non stop with no break or anything. Just need a break

[polishprinsezz]

i feel like i have no soul either. i dont  enjoy  going places with these kids because you have to watch them like hawks. i have two boys 5 and 3 but now i am raising my two year old nephew and babysitting an  8 month old not to mention i am pregnant. i really want to work. i am new to this state so i am utterly lonely and depressed. when i think of how i have become a baby machine like my mother i want to cry. never felt so bad in my life. i am almost 40 and want to be over this phase in my life. i hate it.

[coldandsleepy]

Hate's a strong word, but I really disliked being a SAHM.  There were aspects of it that I loved-- I love being with my son and it was great to have the free time to do things like go to the beach on a weekday, take a spontaneous bus ride somewhere fun, spend the day at the arboretum, etc. 

But there were a lot of aspects of it I hated, too.  I don't particularly love doing housework.  (And for people who argue that you still have to do the housework whether you're a SAH or WOH-- yes, but my personal experience is that there is a LOT more mess MADE when you're at home all day.)  I disliked not really having a source of income for myself, and outright hated my family always being on the edge of behind on bills, etc, while I wasn't working. 

The only adult interaction I got regularly was from other parents at the park or from other people (at coffee shops, etc) who wanted to talk about my kid.  I do like to talk about my kid-- who doesn't?-- but when that is the ONLY thing you seem to be ever talking to adults about, it really wears on you.  (On me, anyhow.)  When I would see friends who don't have children, I would almost always just fall into a listener role.  They had interesting things to talk about, things were going on in their lives, and all I really had to tell them was that my kid had started saying "clementine" instead of "meminmine" which I know is not fascinating to most people.

I missed using my brain for technical things, missed working in the field that I spent years becoming an expert in.  Missed feeling like I was really good at something.

Being a SAHM was something I really _wanted_ to like and really _wanted_ to be good at, but that just wasn't the case.  I don't regret spending the first 20 months after I had my son at home with him at all, but I don't have any plans to go back to being a FT SAHM any time soon...

[BabyMae09]

It won't be this intense forever.

If your husband is giving you grief for things like not cleaning the house, etc. tell him to bugger off. You have twin infants! But, if you're not listening to him when he needs to talk, his critisizing you may stem from feeling bad about that.

Originally Posted by robin7373 

Im a stay at home mom & I absolutely hate it. I have twin boys that are almost 4mths old & I Love them but get sick of it some days more than others & my husband nagging. Oh God ..I feel everything you were saying, I lost myself to give my boys who they are. Its about them & I never get the so much desired break I want. No family or friends to help, really sucks. Plus I don't trust anyone with my boys to take care of them & be responsible so I won't even hire a babysitter with a background check, it is a stranger to me. oh my God I hate this some days & today is one & it is because my husband actually makes it worse, adding more stress. I wish he could understand or even communicate with me which is what I want but he barely does, then again I dont have to listen to him so that is a plus. Yep it sucks.

[abbysmom0203]

i agree with you, it can be really hard and its definitely draining. im a navy wife so im a "single" parent a lot and its those times when my husband is gone that i wish more than anything that he is here and can take care of my dd (7months) for an hour while i just relax. its really hard doing everything yourself. luckily when my dh is here and i'm tired or need to do something he will take care of our dd which is nice. but i can totally understand your frustrations. this is what i have dreamed of and sometimes i wonder what the heck i was thinking. its hard but its also very rewarding.

[beautifulnm]

Thank you for this thread. Good God I feel guilty when I think about how much I ought to appreciate staying home and how much frustration actually comes along with it. DH has no idea why I'd be p***ed off when after struggling to occupy my high energy ds, try to do homework, clean the house as my son goes behind me and leaves a tornado of toys and destruction and cook dh a big dinner he doesn't bother to eat.. I just want to throw my hands up and quit sometimes. If I just felt like it was appreciated it wouldn't be so bad. Sometimes he folds clothes while I'm at school one night a week.. and sometimes he just leaves them in a heap in the laundry room where the dog's crate it so they smell like dog by the time I get to it and have to start over. Also I wasn't always a SAHM and I can't even begin to tell you how much it irks me when he marginalizes what I did for a living and portrays his field as some hugely stressful, demanding enterprise. sigh. sometimes I'm tempted to stay at school even if class ends early just because it's the one time a week I can sit there, just sit there..

Abbysmom, I went through that too and I kept thinking it'd be better when he got back. Now I just feel resentful I still don't get a break and can't barely eat a meal in peace let alone him taking him for an hour

[BabyMae09]

I don't hate it, but I used to.

I have a husband who is a good partner, and I appreciate him daily for it. I think that makes him more helpful :)

I revel in everything my daughter does. She's only going to be little once! I'll have years and years to spend time alone and with my husband after my kids get a little older. My son can be trying, but if I spend good one on one time with him at least a few minutes a day, reading or something, he's much easier.

[saralm]

I don't hate it all the time but I do cry about the lack of choice I feel.  I don't dictate my days or my moments.  My 2 year old seems to be in the process of quitting with the naps so that is a hard adjustment too.  If anyone is in Oregon, message me privately.  I would love to find other people learning to make this SAH thing work. 

[mamaofthree]

just came back to have a look over this thread. it makes me sad so many of you all hate being SAHP. can you work outside the home, even part time? or if you can't can you join a group like the LLL or a mom and baby group or take a class thru a CC? if you don't have a car because your SO takes it to work, have you considered getting up early and taking him/her to work so you can use the car once a week or so?

have any of you talked to a counselor? some of it could be PPD. are you eating well and drinking enough? taking vitamins? getting some exercise? 

mothering is hard work, it takes 100% of you all the time. that is what it is like raising a human. that doesn't mean just because it is challenging it is bad. when stuff gets bad change it up. walk to a park or just around the block, with the kids, let them run off some of their crazies. get on the bus and just go for a ride with the kids. go outside and make a mess. (mothering had a thing on messy parties...) take out the flour and water, make goo with corn starch, water and food coloring, make play dough. get chalk and draw on the sidewalk. turn on music and dance. turn OFF the computer and TV and do something. 

i have suffered with PPD and anxiety with babies 4 and 5. it was crazy. i was so depressed and felt so helpless. i hated my life and wallowed ALOT! stayed up too late, ate badly, didn't take care of myself and honestly it effected the whole family. my kids knew, dh knew. it sucked BIG TIME. i had to make the changes, i had to take care of me and still continue to care for my kids and my home.  i had to change how i saw things. and see what really mattered. i talked to someone, got outside ALOT! turned off the computer, played with my kids, read books, remember why i was doing this in the first place. these years you can not get them back and to be miserable for years and years is a waste of a life. if you are unhappy than take the bull by the horns and fix your situation. if you need YOU TIME than make it happen even 20 minutes a day. let the some of the house work go, make easy to prepare meals, have dh help at bedtime. get a part time job if you feel like you need that. 

[andromedajulie]

I have been a SAHM with both my children. The older one (now 9) - I hated being a SAHM. I ended up getting a pt job when she was 18 mo which only paid enough to cover the childcare. With my younger (14 mo) I love being a SAHM. They are TOTALLY DIFFERENT CHILDREN. I also had different husbands. The support you have and the personality/difficulty of your child have a LOT to do with it. Having any child is tough and a lot of work. But now that I have a second child who is in comparison 'easy', I cannot believe that I didn't realize how hard my job was the first time around. Meaning, she was never happy and I never felt that anything I did was worth it. So, I think this makes a huge difference.

Also, some people just don't like it and that is okay! I am kind of sick of the idea that SAHMing is this leisurely job for those with good fortune. It's a janitor job. It's a job where you do give yourself up for (hopefully only) a little while. I'd never do it another way but there are lots of times I hate it, yes.

[mamaofthree]

excuse me but what does that mean... a janitor job? like it is a crappy job? or a job no one notices except when it is not done, or what?

[nktigger99]

I do not hate being a SAHM....I love it...it is the hardest and most difficult job in the world but I love every minute.  I have 4 kiddos...3 year old little boy, 2 year old little girl and then 4 month old twin boys.  I also have fibro...I do HATE that...I have been DX now for over 10 years....It makes being a parent 1000 times harder in my opinion.  Parenting through constant pain and a fog in your brain is soooooo hard.

I do not understand why so many people feel like they give up who they are to be a SAHP....I have changed who I am by becoming a parent of course...I knew going in that my kids would come first...but I am still the same person with the same interests and hobbies...I just may not have as much time to enjoy them.  Staying home raising my children does not take away from my self-worth...maybe because I never relied on anything outside of myself for my self-worth. You are who you are no matter what you do. 

[Mummoth]

Originally Posted by andromedajulie 

I have been a SAHM with both my children. The older one (now 9) - I hated being a SAHM. I ended up getting a pt job when she was 18 mo which only paid enough to cover the childcare. With my younger (14 mo) I love being a SAHM. They are TOTALLY DIFFERENT CHILDREN. I also had different husbands. The support you have and the personality/difficulty of your child have a LOT to do with it. Having any child is tough and a lot of work. But now that I have a second child who is in comparison 'easy', I cannot believe that I didn't realize how hard my job was the first time around. Meaning, she was never happy and I never felt that anything I did was worth it. So, I think this makes a huge difference.

Also, some people just don't like it and that is okay! I am kind of sick of the idea that SAHMing is this leisurely job for those with good fortune. It's a janitor job. It's a job where you do give yourself up for (hopefully only) a little while. I'd never do it another way but there are lots of times I hate it, yes.

I'd hate being a SAHM if I saw it that way, too! The 'home maker' part of my job... that's to create an environment of total contentment for my family, a place where they are nurtured and loved and their needs are met. My goal is for our home to be almost like a womb... it's not a janitor job, it's more like an art form. You have to leave just enough 'mess' around... cleaning too much is like erasing the personality from our home... but it can't be a sty either, because then you're sacrificing functionality and that's a cause for stress. There's something magical in crawling into a bed that's made just right with fresh sheets, or having a meal that's been prepared with just you in mind.

The mom part is that my kids know I'm here creating that for them, they know that if they need me I'm just a block away and they can call me. The few times there has been an issue at school, their teachers are surprised that I know about it before they tell me. The kids know that whatever hell they catch for misbehaving, I'll also help them fix it and they'll feel better in the end. They know their dad and I are trying our best to give them a good life.

The wife part is that he knows the kids are getting the absolute best care that anyone could provide for them... he can focus on his job and not worry about anything at home. He knows when he gets home it'll be to comfort and love (and usually a good meal!) He knows we'll all be here to welcome him home with hugs and smiles, and we'll all share stories about our day and spend time together. He knows he's appreciated for all he does for us, even the kids show him that, We aren't distracted by a bunch of stupid chores because I've gotten that out of the way during the day, we can enjoy just being a family and recharging together.

Anyway, that's the big picture... I keep my eyes on that. If I focus on the minutia... the drips of milk someone left on the table when they got their cereal, the socks under the couch, the toothpaste smear on the bathroom counter... I would feel like a servant or a janitor. They aren't leaving those little messes out of spite for me... I have to wipe down the table drips or not, so I let it go... they're just comfy snuggled up on the couch and don't feel like getting up right away to go to the hamper, it'll take an extra 10 second when I sweep to pick them up... or they're thinking about the cozy bed they're about to get into and the story I'm going to read so don't see the toothpaste. They do little things for me, too... like offer me a water when they get to get a glass because I've forgotten to set them at supper. Or reach over and unplug the dishwasher from the wall when they see me disconnecting it from the sink. It's a lot easier on my mind and spirit to hold the belief that we help each other. We're all doing our best.

[andromedajulie]

mamaofthree: yes. by janitor job, I meant that a lot of it is grunt work, cleaning up after people, doing many things that are not noticed. not meant insultingly to anyone who cleans for a living! I mean that I have had many people act like being a SAHM is for those whose other household income is so gigantic that we can stay home and watch TV while the nanny plays with the kids. seriously, lots of people think it's totally cushy. So while at this time I do love being a SAHM, I think there is a huge part of the job that is really tedious and totally unglamorous, and the rest, while more fun, is also a darn lot of work!!