Completing my emotional healing from the divorce

[NewMom0208]

Hi,

I think I have made great progress

There are a lot of signs that say I am ok with this divorce.

I certainly see him only as the other parent and I don’t go out of my way to judge him or his choices. I can look at him in the eye and have a civil conversation about things we need to figure out and we make a good team when it comes to the kiddo. I am Blessed.
 

I don’t care he is with somebody else, I am glad it is not me.

It sounds arrogant, perhaps, but I am truly better without him, happier, free. People are asking me if I am in love, because I glow! I am in love with my son and with life

I am happy with my own life and the opportunity to rebuild it, I stopped my compulsive dating, working on emotional and spiritual growth this year and will go back "to the market" next year. Not willing to settle, and pretty much clear on what I want.

What is missing is to stop ruminating over the things he did “to me” that were wrong. Why does it matter that he refused to help me when I was sick and taking care of his son who was also sick? I guess I am sad that somebody would do that. I find it shocking

Why does it matter at this point that he used me to stop working and have me fund his toys and other women?

etc etc I can go on and on.

Maybe I am sad by the fact somebody would be so mean, especially to a wife and mother of your child. Not because it is to me, but in general?

Maybe I am concern of the type of example he will set to my son, but I know I have no control over that, I can only live with integrity and set house rules. When and if my son lies or is disrecptful, then I'll deal with it at that point.

I am sad, I ruminate about these things, what can I do to move forward?

Thank you!

[fiona2359]

It sounds like you have made a lot of progress. I think it takes grieving over the past to move on - if that makes sense. It isn't right what happened, and it is sad. There was a loss of affection and a loss of opportunity and time in your life that was spent w/ someone who didn't treat you well.

[NewMom0208]

You read me really well Fiona, Thank you.

I guess the way to go through it, is to go though it.

I have started writing my story, I think getting out of my head will help.

Also, I went to church (my new church now that I moved) and they talked about pledge allegiance to myself to let go of thoughts that are futile and not lifting me up. Aceptance of the past and my mistakes.

[rosadesal]

newmom - i like that idea that your church did, pledging allegiance to yourself. i try and remind myself that holding onto resentment isn't fruitful, it doesn't do anything for me, it doesn't contribute to my happiness or success...because it eats up the time and space i could be using to make a better life/place for myself and dd, you know? so, i promise myself i'm going to make the kind of life i want to have, and i'm not going to spend that time thinking about the bad things that have happened because i could sit there for hours...not getting anything done but for building a volcano that's about to erupt. so...that, and i also tell myself to give. just keep on giving. that way, i'm not worried about what i'm getting.

hugs.

[scorpiosbliss]

You have made a lot of progress! And it sounds like you are ready to take on the next steps. I have found that time steers me toward the next questions and the next answers. Seems like you're already beginning the next steps of healing by putting the question out there. As for mulling over the things you didn't get from the marriage; perhaps this is just the time to consider those things and be sad. I think it's ok and perfectly reasonable to be sad because your needs were not met. You deserve good things and to have your needs met.  I think it's ok to take some time to feel those feelings and then move on. Maybe write up a list of those things and turn it into things you plan to give yourself or ways you will get your needs now and from future relationships.

The fact that you are taking the time to process your marriage/divorce seems to speak to your desire to really heal. It sounds like you are on that path, and that you will reach your goal.