My miscarriage and my marriage

[babylonghorn]

I miscarried last week at 5 weeks.  I'm devastated and heartbroken.  It sucks that I lost a baby and it sucks that I can't talk about it.  Women don't talk about miscarriage or loss.  I can't figure out why, but maybe that is because I NEED to talk about it to heal and others don't??  Anyway, there's no one to talk about it with, and everytime I start to feel a tiny bit better it hits me all over again.  I can't sleep.  With an active 16 month old, the only time I have to grieve is at night when she's gone to bed.  Unforunately, this is when DH is around too. 

I thought DH would be sad.  He lost a baby too, and since it was so early he's really the only other person who knew. I want to talk about it with him.  Instead, he says that he's sorry I'm so sad and when asked if he is sad he says, "I'm sad over the potential for life."  He keeps telling me to stop dwelling on it. This tears me apart.  It was a life!  It was a baby!  It deserves to be remembered and missed!  I feel like he just wants everything back to normal and doesn't understand why I can't be my old self.  I don't understand how he can be so callous, especially when he knows I am so miserable.  Tonight he went so far as to tell me that he thinks I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  I feel sad for the baby.  I feel sad for myself.  I feel sad for DH.  I feel sad for DD. I don't understand how he can't be more upset, and I don't understand as a father he can feel like this wasn't really a life.  I feel like I'll never be the same and my marriage will never be the same.   

I just wonder how much of all of this is normal.  Whether the relationship struggles will get better with time.  Whether I'm losing my mind.  Whether DH's reaction is some weird testosterone response that I'll never understand but can come to accept.  I have so many "I wonders" right now. 

Thanks for "listening".  I just need to get it out because I don't know what else to do. 

[ElliesMomma]

i'm so sorry for your loss. maybe your husband is handling it the only way he knows how. i would suggest that you consider cross posting in "Pregnancy and Birth Loss" section, as others who have experienced the same as you may notice your post there. the only thought i would add is to be gentle with yourself and take your time in grieving this, as any loss.

[yarngoddess]

Oh Mama, I'm so sorry for your loss :(  The pain you feel is very real, and I don't think you're loosing your mind. I also don't think your DH is having a totally abnormal reaction for a guy either :(  Men don't really understand early losses, as the pregnancy and baby aren't as real to them as it is to us. I've lost 4 babies all in the first trimester. I felt those losses like a ton of bricks, and had very similar reactions that you are having and had people around me saying things that i couldn't comprehend. Like "It's nature's way of dealing with abnormalities" and "God's plan must have changed" or "See, this just really isn't the right time to have a baby" kind of comments. They suck, and are more hurtful than helpful. 

Seems like you need to grieve- but DH wants to move on. You HAVE to deal with this, or it will fester in your marriage and you will regret it later :(  I can only tell you what I would do, and that is to talk about your pain in the Birth and Loss section,find other mother's that have dealt with the loss of a pregnancy so that you know you ARE NOT ALONE.  Also you may want to think, I said think, about seeing a therapist- you need someone in Real Life that can talk to you and help you process this pain, and since DH isn't helping you need to find some one that is! You could also consider having a ceremony to honor the baby you loss, a way to celebrate the love you felt and validate your pain. Having a ceremony could also help you let go of the anger, grief, resentment and pain you feel....think about it. 

Please be gentle with your self. You need time to heal you- or you are not the best mommy you can be to the LO that depends on you every day! Honor the baby you lost, but don't let the pain take you under. You are NOT ALONE- many of us have felt this loss, and know that it will eventually get easier.  Peace and Blessings.

[Vermillion]

I'm so sorry for your loss

I agree with the pp that you should check out the pregnancy and birth loss section here. It's wonderfully supportive and the amazing mamas there helped carry me through many tough times after the loss of the daughter.

I had a somewhat later loss, 17 weeks, and while my husband was my rock, many people in my life seemed SO callous to me. There was the initial sadness, "I'm so sorry" and then it was like my grief card expired. Life goes on, move on! It really destroyed a lot of relationships for my my DH and I and those people. It's just something I haven't been able to move on from. I mean, some people just didn't really get it... if you haven't been there, it's hard to understand I imagine. But then some people were straight up cold hearted about it, I think... and those are the people I just shut out of my life.

I'm rambling. But I wanted you to know that you are normal! Your feelings are normal! A loss and is a loss and you lost your baby, as well as all the hopes and dreams you had about that baby. That's huge. I'm sorry your husband doesn't get that It could be that it was early for him and he wasn't connected yet, or maybe he just has a hard time dealing with it and would rather NOT deal with it. But I think it's so important for you both so sit down and really talk about this, because marriages can really suffer after things like this, especially when one partner is not understanding about the other one's grief. Maybe this is how he needs to grieve? But he needs to understand that YOU need to grieve in your way, and support you in that.

I hope you can come to an understanding with him so you feel more supported in this. Wishing you much peace and healing and definitely come over to the loss board for support 

[Vermillion]

Originally Posted by yarngoddess  You could also consider having a ceremony to honor the baby you loss, a way to celebrate the love you felt and validate your pain. Having a ceremony could also help you let go of the anger, grief, resentment and pain you feel....think about it.

I totally think that this is a great idea. Honor your little one, maybe give him/her a name that feels right? There are also some amazing items around to memorialize your baby. Having a tangible reminder is so healing.

http://www.october15th.com has some wonderful items; jewelry, sculptures, charms, etc.

[babylonghorn]

Thank you all for understanding.  I'll cross post on the Pregnancy and Birth Loss board.  I don't really know what I'm feeling today, but it does help to know that I'm not alone though it makes me so sad that you all have experienced such tragic losses.   

[ancoda]

I have been there and I am very sorry for your loss.  I have found that most husbands do not feel as strongly toward a baby that they were not really able to bond with.  We as woman start to bond with the baby as soon as we know it is growing in us, but my dh said that he really did not start bonding at all with our children till he could feel them kicking.  

Please know that you are not alone. 

[Kallie]

I'm so sorry that you have lost your baby and that you are not getting the support that you need in real life. It's a very real and legitimate loss and the grieving that comes with it but some people don't seem to see it that way (although noteably I don't know anyone who has actually had a miscarriage who thinks this way).

I lost my baby 11 days ago (I was 7 weeks pregnant). I found it useful to get a Soul Certificate to recognise our baby's life (see http://justiceforallcertificates.yolasite.com/) maybe this would be helpful for you.

I am sending the warmest wishes to you and hoping that you manage to find a path that's right for you that allows you to honour your baby's existence and find peace with your husband.

[W Marc Watts]

I am deeply sorry for you and your family. Be patient with yourself and your family. Every individual deals with tough situations differently. No one is right or wrong. We do the best we can in the moment.

Whenever you start to feel overwhelmed, remember to take a deep breath and try to relax your mind. Your body will follow. Think about at least one thing in your life that you can be thankful for. Let it sit in your mind for as long as possible.

Be confident in the life around you. DH cares for you and you care for him. Please do all you can to support one another and work together to get through this tough time.

[Caneel]

I had four miscarriages, three before my son was born and one after.  As sad as the first three were, the fourth hit me the hardest.

I can understand your husband's feelings about the loss of a potential life because that is the way I felt about it, it was a loss of what could have been.  (I won't go into why I felt it that way because I don't think it would be helpful to you.)  At the same time, I had a friend who felt very differently about her miscarriage, she felt it was a loss of a baby.  It caused tension between us, as friends, because she didn't feel I was supporting her like she needed to be supported so can imagine how much harder it would be between a husband and wife.

You will find great support Pregnancy Loss Forum.

[gitanamama]

I'm so sorry you're hurting mama. I lost a pregnancy at 9 weeks and I remember feeling like my whole soul was aching. Personally, I wasn't grieving the loss of a life, like you, but the potential life--and even that hurt tremendously. And my hubby was not nearly as caring or sensitive as I wished he had been. I think many men have a hard time really understanding the connection we feel with our bodies and our unborn babies as women and just how intense it can be to lose a pregnancy.  And you're so right that miscarriage is rarely talked about in this culture. I didn't tell anyone other than my husband about my miscarriage because I didn't think anyone would understand my pain or my feelings. It's almost a taboo subject, which only contributes to the isolation we feel after losing a pregnancy. 

Like others have said, be patient with yourself, and with your husband, even though that can be hard. Maybe you could arrange to have someone watch your 16 month old so that you can spend some time by yourself, just sitting with your feelings. My son is 16 months old as well, and I know how hard it can be when there are so many feelings and emotions bubbling below the surface but you don't have the time or space to even feel them. For me, a walk in nature, an uninterrupted bath, or even just a couple hours all to myself to cry, really makes a big difference in putting my heart back together when it's falling apart.

Sending lots of healing thoughts and energy your way mama.

[mariee]

It is SO, SO normal to feel the way you are feeling.  

DH and I decided that there is no way to describe a miscarriage except for "it sucks"  No kidding, there were times when we would go about our business around the house, just whispering, "suck suck suck."  

It just does.

Just let your feelings be.  Allow yourself to be overcome with grief when your 16 month old naps or when you have free time.  Allow yourself to feel grief whenever you need to.  It is fine to cry all the time.  For a while there, my 2 year old was constantly asking me, "boo boo, mommy?" because I cried so much.   Put aside chores and other tasks for a while, order out for dinner, lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling, etc.  

I can assure you that I've never felt so rotten in my life as I did in the 2 or 3 weeks following my miscarriage.  It was so awful that I really worried that I would never feel better again.

I told myself and DH that I was just going to let myself be sad for a whille, and hope that eventually i would feel better.

Eventually I did start to feel more normal again.  It helped to have little things to look forward to.  DH and I took DS on an overnight hotel stay, played in the hotel pool and ate dinner out.  Silly, but fun.  I made elaborate birthday cakes for my nephews one weekend.  That distracted me for a while.  

Dr. Sears has the most beautiful advice for coping with miscarriage- he essentially says do whatever you need to do in order to deal with your loss.  

I pierced my ear in a new spot.  I got my hair colored.  Again, silly, but it helped a little.  I wrote notes to the baby and put them into the journal I had started for him/ her when I first found out I was pregnant.  

As for your husband, I'm sorry he doesn't show more understanding for you.  I think that he needs to hear that you are feeling rotten right NOW, you know its temporary and won't last forever (it won't), but you need him to take special care of you NOW so that you can start to feel better.  Tell him bluntly, "I need you to ask me how I'm feeling every day.  I need you to listen.  I need you to care a LOT right now.  The miscarriage is all I'm going to talk about and think about for a while.  I'm going to feel better about this eventually, but right now I feel like sh*t and I need your help coping."  Tell him exactly what you want him to say.  

Best wishes, mama.  You will feel better eventually.  You will.