I miscarried last week at 5 weeks. I'm devastated and heartbroken. It sucks that I lost a baby and it sucks that I can't talk about it. Women don't talk about miscarriage or loss. I can't figure out why, but maybe that is because I NEED to talk about it to heal and others don't?? Anyway, there's no one to talk about it with, and everytime I start to feel a tiny bit better it hits me all over again. I can't sleep. With an active 16 month old, the only time I have to grieve is at night when she's gone to bed. Unforunately, this is when DH is around too.
I thought DH would be sad. He lost a baby too, and since it was so early he's really the only other person who knew. I want to talk about it with him. Instead, he says that he's sorry I'm so sad and when asked if he is sad he says, "I'm sad over the potential for life." He keeps telling me to stop dwelling on it. This tears me apart. It was a life! It was a baby! It deserves to be remembered and missed! I feel like he just wants everything back to normal and doesn't understand why I can't be my old self. I don't understand how he can be so callous, especially when he knows I am so miserable. Tonight he went so far as to tell me that he thinks I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I feel sad for the baby. I feel sad for myself. I feel sad for DH. I feel sad for DD. I don't understand how he can't be more upset, and I don't understand as a father he can feel like this wasn't really a life. I feel like I'll never be the same and my marriage will never be the same.
I just wonder how much of all of this is normal. Whether the relationship struggles will get better with time. Whether I'm losing my mind. Whether DH's reaction is some weird testosterone response that I'll never understand but can come to accept. I have so many "I wonders" right now.
Thanks for "listening". I just need to get it out because I don't know what else to do.