Silly birth fear, but I just need to talk it out...

[NDFanatik]

I don't think I'm really looking for anything except to be able to let this go so that I can deal with it and move on.  Maybe I am looking for advice, maybe I'm just needing to work this out in my head.  Talking/writing helps me though...

I didn't have my daughter at home.  But even though it was a hospital birth, it was a really good birth in spite of it.  Take out all of the nurses and the stress in those last 30 minutes and it was wonderful. 

A long peaceful labor.  23 hours at home, 1hr in the car, and 30mins in the hospital.  I felt no pain unless people were touching me or I couldn't lean back.  .At home I spend the 1st 17hrs in denial bc it wasn't strong enough, then moved to the bedroom to work through them when they got intense, and once I hit the water it was bliss.  I would close my eyes and disappear into myself- the emptiness inside my head swirling with vivid colors during the contractions as hormones rushed through me and then emerging on the other side of the ctx in a sweet haze, a beautiful natural high.  It was when I got to the hospital with people stressing bc I was a VBAC and the nurses touching me that things got less than perfect...  but that short time there was really nothing.  It was so brief and flew by in my mind that I was suddenly feeling the power of my body as my uterus pushed for me and then I helped it along and birthed my child, on the verge of an orgasm (in the hospital nonetheless) that brought me to tears by the sheer rush.  I do have some anger over it because it marred what I previously had been experiencing, but I can still appreciate my daughter's labor and birth for what it was.

I want that birth again.  I want THAT.  But with me staying at home and not having that stress that came at the end from the nurses.  That's my ideal birth.  I want to do it all over, relive it, redo it... makes different choices (aka stay home).

And I fear that I won't get that again.  I fear that I'll have a super short intense labor that rips through my very soul.  Or a super long and agonizing one that tests just how much I can handle. 

I want the peace, the calm, the high I had before.  But I don't want to set myself up because I know I can't **expect** that again...  I just want it so bad.

How do you let go of the expectations?  How do you give in to what is to come when you've had something so amazing before?

[dear abbey]

First of all, Amy Lynn, I don't think it's a silly fear at all (FWIW).

I wish I had an answer to your question, because I am struggling with this, too. I gave birth in the hospital with my son, but was only there a few hours- I did most of my laboring at home, and I (like you) found that to be peaceful, relaxing, and kind of transformative. Hard work, yes...but it felt much more doable there than at the hospital.

Since we are 45 min away from our hospital (and since I've already been in here twice with these babies!), I know they will want me here earlier this time, which makes me fearful of all kinds of extra monitoring, etc. Some of it is probably good, to be on the cautious side. After all, my son was a big guy (10 lbs, 1.6 oz), and it still only took me about an hour to push him out. If we manage to convince these girls to bake themselves even to 4 or 5 lbs each, they still might fall out on the way to the hospital. (I had a dream about that.)

We did Bradley before, which is pretty strongly anti-intervention. Fortunately, my first pregnancy was a dream, and I didn't need anything- the nurses knew not to offer pain meds and we made it just fine.

I find I have no idea what to expect with this one.

Anyway, not to hijack your thread with my own story...just to let you know you are not alone in having these fears (again, totally legitimate and not silly!). I'm having similar thoughts, and I bet others are, too.

[emmaegbert]

Just want to chime in to say, I had a short and intense birth with my second which was verging on the blissful and wonderful. (planned homebirth THANK GOODNESS b/c I suspect it would have been a homebirth... or a car-birth... in any case).The only part that was hard with that was dealing with my fear that the baby would be born before the midwives got there- but she was born about 15 minutes after they arrived, maybe less. Having her unassisted would have been fine, I think... but it was my worry (with both pregnancies I had anxiety dreams like Dear Abbey describes).

But ironically, I find my fear this time is actually that my expectations will be all off for this one, if its a long labor... that I won't pace myself of save my energy. I think its normal to have fears and anxieties around it. Everyone always says, every birth is different, so despite having had two natural births before, I am still worried that I don't know what to expect.

[Katico]

Hell, *I* want that!  

[corrabelle]

My first two births were so much like what you describe. The hospital stay though...not so great. In fact, i'm terrified that for soem reason i'll have to have my baby in a hospital rather than home-and that i'll relive what happened. (long story short-student nurse blew a hole in my 3 hour old infant son's lung because she was trying out a new *machine* that was not even necessary.)

Part of me is fearing that because i'm 8 years older than I was when I had my last child, that labour won't be so easy. I also HATE being touched, and would rather just be left on my own as long as possible. I'm the same way AFTER the birth though too, which has me even more worried.

If a LC so much as touches my breast, or a nurse asks to "check my bum"...i swear i'll punch her teeth out.

[theboysmama]

have you ever used the hypnobirthing program? there is a specific segment called the fear release. It helps to realease any fears that you have. Hypnobirthing also helps you to visualize your perfect birth. Mine have all had their similarities and their differences. My first I had to transfer and it was the only one I had challenges with but I feel comfortable with my choices, my surroundings, and how I handled the birth. They have all been empowering experiences (even my first). My point is that this birth might not be exactly like your last but it might be better or just different. Visualize what you want, believe you can do it, take the action to make it happen, and that is all you can do.

[Dreamy]

I need to start doing my own mental work in this regard as well. I didn't have a "perfect" birth - it was in-hospital, on my back and monitored nearly the whole time because DS' heart decelerated to dangerous levels, 3 hours of pushing and use of the vaccuum - but, I did get the most important things I wished for:

- a healthy baby
- no tearing (woo hoo!)
- the pain wasn't that bad
- I had great nurses helping get nursing started


I'm so scared of something going wrong this time - super fast labour and tearing, something going wrong requiring a c-section, baby going into distress or requiring NICU care for some reason - I really need to let go of all those fears and accept that whatever happens, happens. I can control some things to a certain extent, but not everything, and stressing about that is of no help to anyone.

I'll be rereading my hypnobirthing book in T3, and working on being mindful - accepting "what is" rather than railing against things I cannot change.

"When we pursue our anxious, fearful ruminations, we leave the peace of mind that is already present. Peace never leaves, but we leave peace. Bring your attention back to what is in front of you and peace is instantly restored." ~ Karen Maezen Miller

"Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn't more complicated that that. It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it." ~ Sylvia Boorstein

"We suffer when we fight against the natural flow of things, when we rail against a current that sweeps us in a direction we hadn't planned on going." ~ Ellie of One Crafty Mother

"Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." ~ Lao Tzu

Whatever is soft and yielding
is a disciple of life.
The hard and stiff will be broken.
The soft and supple will prevail.
-Tao Te Ching

"It is worth remembering that the time of greatest gain in terms of wisdom and inner strength is often that of greatest difficulty." ~ Dalai Lama


Those are all things it helps me to think about when I fear for the future - whatever happens, I will get through it, and my life experience will be richer for it.

I hope you can achieve a more peaceful mindset before the birth

[dear abbey]

Amy, those are wonderful quotes...thank you for sharing them. (I loved the book I read by Sylvia Boorstein.)

[dot1]

I appreciated the quotes too.   It's also natural to reflect on how things went and how we hope they will go.  I just have to keep reminding myself to trust myself and to know that in the moment I'll cope with whatever happens.  Birthing from Within is supposed to focus on techniques to have an empowered birth accepting and embracing whatever happens and being okay with it.  I haven't done the full program (just attended a very short intro workshop).  I think by reflecting on what went well with your last experience as well as voicing your fears, you are empowering yourself to prepare as much as you can....and hopefully at some point you'll be able to say, "I've done all I can and know all I can...so now I can let go and allow events to unfold however they will" (or at least that's what I hope I can think :))