I don't think I'm really looking for anything except to be able to let this go so that I can deal with it and move on. Maybe I am looking for advice, maybe I'm just needing to work this out in my head. Talking/writing helps me though...
I didn't have my daughter at home. But even though it was a hospital birth, it was a really good birth in spite of it. Take out all of the nurses and the stress in those last 30 minutes and it was wonderful.
A long peaceful labor. 23 hours at home, 1hr in the car, and 30mins in the hospital. I felt no pain unless people were touching me or I couldn't lean back. .At home I spend the 1st 17hrs in denial bc it wasn't strong enough, then moved to the bedroom to work through them when they got intense, and once I hit the water it was bliss. I would close my eyes and disappear into myself- the emptiness inside my head swirling with vivid colors during the contractions as hormones rushed through me and then emerging on the other side of the ctx in a sweet haze, a beautiful natural high. It was when I got to the hospital with people stressing bc I was a VBAC and the nurses touching me that things got less than perfect... but that short time there was really nothing. It was so brief and flew by in my mind that I was suddenly feeling the power of my body as my uterus pushed for me and then I helped it along and birthed my child, on the verge of an orgasm (in the hospital nonetheless) that brought me to tears by the sheer rush. I do have some anger over it because it marred what I previously had been experiencing, but I can still appreciate my daughter's labor and birth for what it was.
I want that birth again. I want THAT. But with me staying at home and not having that stress that came at the end from the nurses. That's my ideal birth. I want to do it all over, relive it, redo it... makes different choices (aka stay home).
And I fear that I won't get that again. I fear that I'll have a super short intense labor that rips through my very soul. Or a super long and agonizing one that tests just how much I can handle.
I want the peace, the calm, the high I had before. But I don't want to set myself up because I know I can't **expect** that again... I just want it so bad.
How do you let go of the expectations? How do you give in to what is to come when you've had something so amazing before?