Bad reactions from the family

[milomama]

So...most people have been happy for us.  Last night, we told my Grandma about the pregnancy, and got "Do you think you're healthy enough for that?" as the ONLY reaction.  That's it!  She said that, and then went on to criticize several other things about how we parent our two year old, like that he doesn't go to nursery school and that he sleeps on a mattress on the floor (so do DH and I!).  The whole time we were there, nothing else about the pregnancy, nothing positive!  She didn't say anything kind to me the whole evening!  My grandpa, on the other hand, ignored me completely and said nothing!

Background: I was diagnosed with celiac disease 6.5 months ago, but my midwives/doctors etc. all feel like things are fine if I'm gluten free and I do too.  I guess I can reframe this as her "concern" and "love" but geez, that's the only thing she can say!!!  I'm really dwelling on this and feeling down about it!

[Abraisme]

You know, there's not much that you can do about people like this.  I have several family members like that, including my mother.  When I called to tell her that we're having another girl she said, "uh oh, now you'll have to have #4".  Uhm, that's it?  We're happy with another girl!   She also tends to mention (with each pregnancy) that because I did X my baby will probably be retarded.   With this pregnancy it was because I was drinking tap water, the horror!

My older sister is pregnant with her first and she called me all worried about what our mother said.  I told her that it's just her way of showing concern and that 'just because she didn't take a prenatal for a few weeks' her baby was fine!   My mom means well, but doesn't really think about what she's saying sometimes!  I just take it with a grain-of-salt, it's all that can be done. 

Also, my pregnant sister has celiac as well..  There is no reason that you can't sustain a healthy pregnancy with celiac disease when you have it under control.  If you know within yourself that you're healthy, don't worry about what other people say!  :)

[cat13]

Just make sure you have some good outlets for venting (like here)!  That way, you can commiserate with others and remind yourself that your family is the one being crazy. IME, it makes it easier to shake it off and move on with your choices.

[guatemama1]

I said, "I'm pregnant!" and the only thing my grandma said was, "Oh I didn't know you were married" (we weren't at the time). Yeah, that was it. Awwwkward.

[rareimer]

My family has been pretty unsupportive.  I have two kids from my previous marriage (we've been separated for 2 years, still in the process of divorce, this baby was not planned.)  My boyfriend and I had only been together a few months when I got pregnant, so that's probably one reason.  Also, I had just gotten a new job in the field I had gone back to school for, so this puts a bit of a wrench in those plans, which is another reason.  Also I had a DVT during my first pregnancy, so there are some health concerns when I am pregnant (which are being treated, so no big deal.)  But I think through all their concern about my health, relationship, and career, they kind of forgot the whole "congratulations" thing.  They never really seem excited about the baby, never comment on anything about the baby or pregnancy on FB, or anything.  Sometimes I think they forget this baby is their grandchild/niece/etc.  I hope they change their tune when she gets here.

Sorry to hijack your thread, but I know how you feel.  It's nice that they're concerned for us, but it would also be nice to feel that this baby brings them some joy to them as well, right?

[emmaegbert]

my family was not so excited at first, in fact my parents were distinctly unhappy about it. Though luckily many friends were effusive with their congratulations (whatever they really thought, many friends were so lovely about being enthusiastic and yet also saying, "we get why its stressful timing but this is wonderful news" etc etc, so its nice to have people not gloss over that a pregnancy and another child are not EASY, you know? But to have them also express confidence that you will be able to be a great parent, etc).

I am 24 weeks now and finally I think my parents are coming around to it. Everyone knows this was unplanned. I am trying to finish my PhD, DH was unemployed for over 2 months from right around when we found out... just all around stressful life situation. I am still insecure about people thinking badly of me for having a third in my situation. I do not live in a part of the country or within a social/professional sphere in which it is common to have more than 2 kids, so people definitely think that three sounds like "a lot", or maybe "too many". I feel like its TMI but I am constantly wanting to tell people, "yes, we were using birth control! it happens!"

Editing to say, even DH was not happy about it at first. I think my son (6yo) was actually the only person HAPPY to hear I was pregnant.

[SilverLightx4]

I'm pregnant with my 8th. I got pregnant with my first when I was 18. I've never had anyone in my family (or his) be happy that I was pregnant.  Sorry your Grandma wasn't very supportive.

[Smokering]

and that he sleeps on a mattress on the floor (so do DH and I!).

Now that is intriguing. What, pray tell, is the issue? Is she afraid the coyotes will get him? That he's sleeping further away from heaven than most kids? That he'll grow up and be unable to function in hotel rooms? That he won't learn to deal with scary-monsters-under-the-bed issues?

I mean, I get that sleeping on a raised bed is the norm (Westernly speaking, anyway), but I really can't fathom how it woulld be harmful not to. Weirdsies.

I said, "I'm pregnant!" and the only thing my grandma said was, "Oh I didn't know you were married" (we weren't at the time). Yeah, that was it. Awwwkward.

Was she being clueless, or super passive-aggressive? Either way... yeah, awkward! I remember responding to the news of an acquaintance's pregnancy the same way... but I was, like, seven. And she wasn't there (fortunately!). I was honestly confused... but again, seven. So, yeah. :p

My mother had six girls, and her mother was sort of anti-babies (although she seems to have gotten over that - she's very keen on my babies!). She got six bad reactions, ranging from disappointed to scared to horrrified. Non-relations usually focused on the all-girls thing rather than the six kids thing; so we heard plenty of "Oh, you must be hoping for a boy" comments. I don't think it made any of us feel insecure, luckily, because my parents were always very clear that they liked girls... in fact, for baby number six, we were all overtly hoping for another girl. So the comments were just annoying, not hurtful.

[Juniperberry]

Sorry you didn't get a better reaction :hugs: it's difficult to understand why some people just can't be happy for you :hugs:

[PreggoMamma]

Sometimes people can be so clueless. I've heard a lot of women talk about negative reactions when telling family the names they have picked out. I told my mom the names we are thinking about/deciding on thinking she would NEVER be negative. She's always so supportive. Nope, she said "I like A but I hate B C and D". What? Seriously? Like....seriously? What is the matter with you. I told her that it was so beyond rude. She said "I'm your mom.....I can be honest". Ya, you can be honest but you don't have to be a jerk. I'm so ticked off at her and now I feel like I can't share things with her. 

Anyway, for those of you that are getting no support........Congratulations on your pregnancy. 

[NicaG]

Yeah, my mom has been acting really weird since I told her I was pregnant.  I am 37, in a stable marriage and financial situation, and this is my third child.  Her first reaction was, "why are you doing this?"  Since then, she has made a bunch of  comments about how she would never have wanted a large family (um, is 3 kids a "large" family?), she complains about what a terrible time she had as one of four children, she makes thinly veiled comments about how we've been lucky to avoid having an autistic child (my brother is autistic) and we probably should have stopped while we were ahead.  And sometimes she just doesn't mention the pregnancy at all for weeks, which also seems kind of rude.  I've pretty much stopped talking to her on the phone because I need to concentrate on my kids and my health and I don't need the drama or negativity. 

[milomama]

Though I'm happy to find support and that I'm not alone, I'm so sad to see how many people have received bad reactions!  It's awful...I keep thinking that even if I was having issues myself, I'd want love and support, not constant comments and reminders of negativity!  As it is, DH and I are thrilled about this baby, and have decided to keep our distance from my family for now.  Most people are happy, why be around the negativity?  It causes me stress (though it shouldn't) but I'm hoping distance will make it less so.  Though I often get sad and wish for a mother and grandmother who could be excited with me and do all the "baby planning" with me.  

Congratulations to everyone here on their pregnancies and thanks for sharing with me :)

[Celticqueen]

Originally Posted by NicaG 

Yeah, my mom has been acting really weird since I told her I was pregnant.  I am 37, in a stable marriage and financial situation, and this is my third child.  Her first reaction was, "why are you doing this?"  Since then, she has made a bunch of  comments about how she would never have wanted a large family (um, is 3 kids a "large" family?), she complains about what a terrible time she had as one of four children, she makes thinly veiled comments about how we've been lucky to avoid having an autistic child (my brother is autistic) and we probably should have stopped while we were ahead.  And sometimes she just doesn't mention the pregnancy at all for weeks, which also seems kind of rude.  I've pretty much stopped talking to her on the phone because I need to concentrate on my kids and my health and I don't need the drama or negativity. 

OP: Yep, totally getting unsupportive reactions from family members! It sucks, doesn't it? @NicaG, I have the same mom! How very strange- are we related? 

I have a little story to share about this...

I'm 25 (but pretty much going on 35 for different reasons). When we were first married, I was "young" for today's standards- 20. We wanted to get pregnant right away. He and I are both from conservative big families and it has always seemed normal to us that as soon as we got married, we'd try to conceive- no brainer, we just both knew that's what we wanted. We had already known eachother for awhile, and we loved kids. Well, when I called my mother 2 months after we were married to announce the pregnancy, I got no congratulations. It made me cry for days...

Still to this day, although she clearly loves her grandsons, thinks that I married too young, throwing my life away for family. She wanted me to be a movie star, I think. I acted in a Gus Van Sant film in highschool after getting discovered by him at a casting call and she half-way tried to send me down to LA to try to persue it. I came back to Oregon. After I met dh on a student filmset (he was the director- a local no body, just a student film for a festival project) I instantly fell in love, and persued him for years before he proposed to me in knight and shining armor. How could I possibly say no to that!?

It's been 5 years now, which isn't much, but we're hoping for 50 more  

I help him toward his dream of filmmaking, though he still has a day job doing what he doesn't love-engineering, and I could not be a more fulfilled, happier person. My own mother doesn't see that. She never will. I would much rather be doing what I'm doing than end up a "celebrity" like she so wanted. For what? So people could look at me and feed my then highly narcissistic immature personality? Sure, I technically had a chance to "make it" in acting, but I chose not to. 

This is the 3rd pregnancy, and I never even wanted to call my mom at all. DH encouraged me to anyway, so I did, but it was so pointless- she hardly had a reaction at all.

So yes, our choices and the way life turns out can be disappointing to our parents. It hurts like hell. After all, our parents are the ones who raised us and we've spent our lives seeking their approval. I still pray to this day that one day, my mom will apologize for her attitude, but it isn't going to happen.

The best we can do is continue to smile and encourage a good attitude in them, try to get them more involved, even if it doesn't happen. It's THEIR loss for not being supportive. It's THEIR loss for not being congratulatory and happy.

Congrats on your pregnancy, OP 

[birdhappy85]

milomama - I've had an autoimmune allergy and intolerance to casein (the protein in cow dairy) for 6 years and I was diagnosed with a gluten intolerance 7 months ago, so I was on such a restrictive diet from the time we conceived our baby in February and into my 2nd trimester since I couldn't have dairy or gluten (and I avoided soy like the plaque because I suspect I have issues with that too). I made do with getting my nutrients elsewhere and being creative with other foods. But I was perfectly fine, our baby is super healthy from what we know, and I actually started being able to tolerate those foods somehow in my 2nd trimester. Pregnancy does amazing things. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone with your celiac disease and how difficult of a lifestyle change gluten-free can be, ESPECIALLY while pregnant! I'm sorry you haven't been getting the validation from your family that you'd like, though.

PreggoMamma - I had such an issue with telling people the names we picked out too! I was in tears several times because of my parents' reaction to the boy name we had picked out, Garrett. My mom actually suggested we explore different versions of the name, like Barrett. Um, sorry, that's a completely different name altogether.... it was so insulting. She even admitted she and my dad didn't like the name, though she tried to say, "It just doesn't fit right," as if that is an easier way to state it? lol... I later found out it was my dad who really had an issue with the name. Apparently he knew someone with Garrett as a last name and it reminded him of that person so much that he really disliked the name. I wanted to tell him, "You're a grown man, get over it!" but instead I felt upset, of course. Turns out we're having a girl anyway, so we don't need to worry about the boy names right now anymore thankfully.... But you're completely right how horrible it can be to get negative reactions from people about name choices! My parents weren't the only ones we got negative feedback from, but theirs was definitely the hardest to hear.

I wish we didn't seek approval from parents so much, but I think during pregnancy it's just one of those times when we're so focused on family ties and support that it's even that much harder if they aren't meeting our emotional needs in the way we'd like. My parents were congratulatory, but my mom always seems to "steal the show" when it comes to any of her daughter's major life events. I won't even go into what she did on my wedding day... but let me tell you what she did when we found out two weeks ago that we're having a girl! My husband works nights and he hadn't slept all afternoon beforehand because we had our ultrasound to go to, so by the time we got home - he had to get ready and go to work. He didn't have a chance to call his parents yet and tell them we're having a girl, but he planned to do it the next day. My mom actually CALLED HIS MOM before he got a chance to, not thinking beforehand that maybe she should ask us if we had told them yet..... so she ruined my husband's one chance to share that wonderful news with his parents himself. She doesn't even talk to his parents ever, so that was even more frustrating. But anyway! It really sucks when you just don't have that ideal, functional family dynamic you'd give anything for. As much as I try to come to terms with the fact that we don't want our families actively involved in raising our children for various reasons, nor do we even want them visiting much because of the emotional toll it takes on us, it still brings me to tears that we don't have that support system some people are so lucky to have...

[NANandAUBIE]

Originally Posted by Smokering 

Now that is intriguing. What, pray tell, is the issue? Is she afraid the coyotes will get him? That he's sleeping further away from heaven than most kids? That he'll grow up and be unable to function in hotel rooms? That he won't learn to deal with scary-monsters-under-the-bed issues?

I mean, I get that sleeping on a raised bed is the norm (Westernly speaking, anyway), but I really can't fathom how it woulld be harmful not to. Weirdsies.

Was she being clueless, or super passive-aggressive? Either way... yeah, awkward! I remember responding to the news of an acquaintance's pregnancy the same way... but I was, like, seven. And she wasn't there (fortunately!). I was honestly confused... but again, seven. So, yeah. :p

My mother had six girls, and her mother was sort of anti-babies (although she seems to have gotten over that - she's very keen on my babies!). She got six bad reactions, ranging from disappointed to scared to horrrified. Non-relations usually focused on the all-girls thing rather than the six kids thing; so we heard plenty of "Oh, you must be hoping for a boy" comments. I don't think it made any of us feel insecure, luckily, because my parents were always very clear that they liked girls... in fact, for baby number six, we were all overtly hoping for another girl. So the comments were just annoying, not hurtful.

Your post was effing hilarious!

My mom was over the other day and we are TTC and I said I was sick to my stomach and she gasped "you arent PREGNANT ARE YOU???????" (she doesnt know we are trying). I remarked I had no idea why this would be such a tragedy if I were? People are pretty insensitive sometimes. Sorry.

[Brisen]

We started getting flak with #5.  I thought it would start with #4, but apparently my mom wanted 4 kids for a while, so it was OK with her.  I'm not looking forward to sharing the news about #6.  I think it's going to be easier, though, seeing how many people are getting negative reactions to third babies.  I mean, since when was three a big family?  I don't even really consider 5 or 6 big -- we're a medium family, in my mind.

[Ahappymel]

First and foremost, congratulations to you!  Every baby deserves a welcome and we all know they are little blessings.

I'm sorry you are getting those reactions. I hear you completely. And to add my commiseration LOL

I'm pregnant with twins (#3 and #4) for us and we've been met with virtual SILENCE and BEING IGNORED from my in-laws. A few weeks after my husband called them/told them over the phone, we attended a birthday party with everyone there and I was ignored beyond the basic pleasantries. No one said congratulations, no one even mentioned the babies.

Finally, at the end of the party my brother-in-law finally leans over and whispers, "Congratulations" to which I responded, "Thank you very much. You are the first to say it".

I'm sure they think we don't deserve to have more babies because we can't buy the $1500 baby cribs and Ralph Lauren bedding/layette sets that they can (we are the "poor relations", folks)...but heck, I wouldn't want to if I could LOL

[Ahappymel]

Originally Posted by Smokering 

Now that is intriguing. What, pray tell, is the issue? Is she afraid the coyotes will get him? That he's sleeping further away from heaven than most kids? That he'll grow up and be unable to function in hotel rooms? That he won't learn to deal with scary-monsters-under-the-bed issues?

LOLOLOLL!!!! This cracked me up!  One day the topic of co-sleeping came up in front of my mother-in-law and I commented that most of the world sleeps this way to which she responded (nose in the air), "Yes, but THOSE people sleep on the ground!" LOLOLOLOL

Anyhow, back to the OP...I also wanted to add that the only thought that gives me any peace about how family chooses not to support us emotionally is that underlying that shunning is probably some caring for our well-being. I just they had a more loving way of showing it.

 

[JosiAtara]

People don't always realize the impact their words can have. It sucks when you're excited and someone kills that by giving an unexpected and unwarranted negative response. I told my brother on the phone and he said "oh really" simply and without enthusiasm, at least 7 times. I was about to say "you can say congrats instead" but just as I was about to, he threw it in (again, no enthusiasm) and quickly added, "well I'm at work, I have to go." For the first 3 years of my marriage, my brother would randomly tease me when I was lifting a box saying "I'll take that, you shouldn't lift heavy things" indicating I may be pregnant, and once I finally got pregnant he wasn't happy at all. Even though everyone else was happy, it made me feel bad and want to cry. I did my best to remind myself that he's been in an crappy mood lately so I tried not to take it personally. Thankfully, he came around and acted happy after about a month and a half, so hopefully all your families do too!

Just try to focus on the positive responses and don't dwell on the negative.

[cameragirl]

My inlaws have been completely supportive and absent the past two pregnancies. I haven't gotten so much as a congratulations from anyone but my brother-in-laws girlfriend. I do have health issues, and I know they are concerned about that. I have done my research, have spoken with several top doctors on the subject, and everyone agreed that there are no major concerns aside from keeping me comfortable. My condition is NOT genetic, as well. Were it genetic, we probably would have gone back to our plan to adopt rather than have another child and risk it.

They honestly do not know how hurtful it is to here just "Oh." when you announce you're pregnant again. (Especially so when you had to try for a year and a half and just suffered a miscarriage.)