Do I expect too much from my (nearly) 3 year old?

[anjsmama]

My DS is just shy of 3 years (August). I have noticed in the last two months, I feel constantly frustrated with him. CONSTANTLY. He is always finding ways to hurt himself or doing things that he KNOWS (yes, I'm sure he knows) he isn't supposed to do. It's like this 24/7 cry for attention....... but he's getting tons of attention! It makes me very sad, because as I am enjoying my DD more and more all the time (she is 5 months with a budding personality), I am enjoying DS less and less and less. I am trying SO hard not to let it come through my voice or my eyes, but I suspect DS knows anyway, which is probably making the problem worse.

He is wicked smart. I think because he is so advanced intellectually, I expect him to act as such. Is there a difference between intelligence, and behavioral capability? Like recently, I've been thinking maybe I should get him a booster seat with a buckle for dinner. Because even though he knows to all ends that he isn't allowed to stand up on his chair, or get down without asking, he does so approximately 15 times per dinner. This makes DH insanely frustrated, as dinner typically occurs right when he gets home from work (law enforcement) and the whole thing only adds stress. But it occurred to me that maybe he just isn't capable of sitting still for 10 minutes? 

I noticed recently that he seems to be saying "Sorry" ALL the time, as well as "I love you". Atleast once every five minutes - "I love you Mom. Mom, me love you." Which is adorable of course, but I feel like he's asking me to remind him I love him? Does that make sense? 

Ugh - I am  just so bummed out and stressed out and I don't know what is normal for his age! I don't want to be too hard on my little man, but at the same time, I am struggling so much to keep him safe. Think - runs toward parking lots and stops at the very edge (since he knows he isn't allowed ON the parking lot), escaped a double-locked, knob-covered door to our apartment, and I had to call 911 to find him, as he'd literally RUN 1/4 mile down the road to the pool, is overly rough in hugging and kissing his sister (like head-banging and squeezing), frequently falls off couches and chairs due to distraction...... I am at a loss. Someone help me "control" him; that is, I don't ACTUALLY want to control him, I want to teach him how to safely control himself!

[CI Mama]

No answers here...just another mama of a soon-to-be-3-year-old who is also feeling a lot of frustration these days. In the last couple of weeks, DD's behavior has intensified in ways that I'm finding really challenging. My DD is wicked smart, too, and part of my frustration is a recurring feeling that "she knows better!" followed by wondering if I'm expecting too much from her.

The only change in her life that might account for it is that a few weeks ago we changed her pre-school schedule, and now she's napping at school.

But your post gets me thinking that there's just something about the transition to 3 that brings out this kind of behavior. Here's what she's doing that I find challenging:

• Super bossy/demanding in a way I've never seen before now. Like, screaming at me to do something and then literally shaking with rage if I don't oblige immediately.
• Whining. Again, something we haven't seen until now.
• Random screaming. What is up with that?
• When asked a question, replying one way and then immediately replying the other way. We usually have to ask her the same question multiple times in order to figure out what she really wants.

This is probably just normal developmental stuff, right? In which case, I really need some help figuring out how to not be annoyed and cranky with her all the time!

[reezley]

Normal normal normal.  Sorry.  I can relate so much. My two boys have basically the same age spread, and my ds1 seems to have a similar personality and recklessness about him.  I remember so well when ds2 was an "angelic" baby and ds1 was so difficult to deal with.  The juxtaposition of them made ds1 first of all seem so old, like he should know better, and also made his behavior seem so much worse with an innocent, perfect baby around.  

But - your ds is NOT yet 3, and even at 3 all those things are so normal.  He DOES know not to run into the street, or run away, but he doesn't have the impulse control yet to stop himself.  And he's testing the rules. My ds1 (also a restless, advanced type) still can't sit for dinner for 10 minutes in a row even now at 6.5yo, and he certainly couldn't at 3.  Frustrated my dh too.  Why not go with a buckle, for safety?  And also not insist he stay for 10 minutes straight, if you're willing to give up on that battle.

My point:  3 (and 2yo, which your ds still is!) is still so young.  Yes, there can be a big difference between intellectually advanced and maturity and self-control.  He's still just 2, even if he talks like a 4 year old.  I fell into that same trap but I look back and he was sooo young then.  They do grow/mature a lot in the 3-4 year, with consistent rules --like, if he's running to the street, he doesn't get the freedom to be out front without being in a stroller or carrier, or whatever.  (I remember holding baby ds2 while running and chasing ds1 at that age to the street (not a busy street). Augh! ) By the way the 4's can be very challenging - and 5 is generally finally calmer.  There is hope, just keeping your expectations a little lower at this point should help your sanity a bit! 

It is hard to have a still-new little sibling, he does need extra love and reassurance that you love him.  There's a cute book by Mister Rogers called "The New Baby" I think it is.  An old book, just a reassuring one about Mom and Dad still loving the older brother and all. Might look into that, or some similar book.  Hang in there, he sounds normal and needs some extra help with all the things you mention. 

[LynnS6]

In a word, yes. If you've got a bright, verbal child, it is hard to remember that he is not yet three.

Several thoughts. First, don't think of him as "almost 3". He's still two. You've got a 2 year old, and a 5 month old. Your 5 month old is probably moving around more, doing more and demanding more of your attention, and your 2 year old is wanting all of your attention (100%, not 99% or the 75% he's getting) because he's 2. He's still a toddler, even though he looks big and capable compared to the baby.

Second, there's a huge difference between intellectual understanding and impulse control. For most kids, impulse control doesn't start to get established until they're closer to 4, sometimes 4 1/2. And even at 4 1/2, impulse control is weak and easily overridden. Really, it's not until a child is 5 to 7 that you can reliably expect them to follow the rules, and you can't expect them to take responsibility for their actions until 7 to 8.  (And even then, they lose control sometimes -- dd is 7 and whacked her brother a couple of weeks ago, when she was angry with him. She knows better. She hasn't hit anyone in well over a year. )

Two and three year olds are still very much physical learners. Because their language understanding has increased so much, we often expect to be able to direct them verbally, when what they need is a gentle physical demonstration.

A couple of recommendations --

Try to find time where you have 1-1 time every day with your son (even 20 minutes will do). During this time he gets to lead the play and you follow. This fills my kids cups of attention in ways that other attention doesn't.

Make sure when you need to tell him to do something that you tell them what to do, not what not to do. This is really crucial at this age. "Sit down on the chair" rather than "don't stand up". "Gentle touches" rather than "don't hit". It's hard for adults to not doing something, and it's really hard for kids. Also, telling him what not to do doesn't help him figure out what he should do. If he's not complying, then physically show him what you mean or help him gently.

Find a safe way for him to do what he's trying to do ('honor the impulse'). If he wants to throw something, send him outside or give him a sock to throw into a basket. He he wants to climb, find a way for him to climb. 

If you're enforcing consequences, make sure you do so calmly (I fail at this a lot, by the way), and that they're logically related to what's going wrong. Sending him to his room for throwing something in the living room may not be as effective as simply removing the thing that he's throwing.

Finally, some books on development might help you understand him and moderate your expectations:

Your 3 year old by Bates & Ilg is a good place to start. (They're old, but the development stuff is still pretty good).

The Emotional Life of the Toddler by Lieberman

Kids, Parents & Power Struggles by Kurcinka (because you're coming up to a big year for power struggles)