How to manage an 'overly-sensitive' boy being a single mom (with a pretty absent dad)

[marinmama]

Hi,

I have never posted to this site before, but had a rough night with my son and need somewhere to turn.  I have raised my son alone since he was a baby (he's now 8 years old) and his dad has been pretty absent.  His dad sees him once or twice a year, and my son loves seeing him, but I don't think they have a very solid relationshp (due to the fact that they don't see each other regularly).

I think my son is pretty well adjusted, but he is really sensitive when it comes to joking from other boys and other adult men in our circle of friends.  We have known some dads of his friends for 4-5 years, but when they joke and wrestle, and if anything remotely goes 'wrong' (like an oweee), my son freaks out.  I think it's really due to the fact that he doesn't 'get' the sometimes male tendency of joking as a form of playing and camraderie as he's so used to hanging out with me, his mom, and I can do it but he trusts me with everything so he doesn't react much.   He even reacts this way with my dad (his grandpa) who is wonderful and they are pretty close (he sees him probably 6 or 7 times a year).

So my question is... how do I handle this?  These other dads are really wonderful and wanting to be 'role models' for my son, but he gets so upset any time something goes 'wrong' (meaning, if they are playing and wrestling a little and he falls down, he screams that 'you did it to me' to the adult).   I dont' want to coddle him as I really know he's not hurt, but not sure how to handle it. And really not sure how to help him understand that these other dads really do care for him and are joking and playing, but it's a different way than I do as his mom.  I know that these dads really love my son and he just doesn't see it.  

I have told him time and time again that these dads really care for him and are just joking around, but he doesn't see it that way.  Not sure what to do - do I talk to him about how hard it much be to know when a dad is joking or not?  Do I just not say anything? 

I'd appreciate any advice at all!  This is the first time in a long time that I've really felt the effects of not having his dad around and it breaks my hearts.

.

[rubelin]

Have you thought about signing him up for the Big Brother's program?? It might be valuable to have an adult guy that he can have a regular relationship with.

As for the sensitivity, it sounds like several kids I know, and could be greatly in part to his personality and it just aggravated by the fact that those sorts of things aren't usual in his life.

[mimim]

How does he handle this sort of thing with other kids? Is he hyper-sensitive to rough play with peers too?

[Mummoth]

Some kids don't like rough play. Both my kids have gotten very upset at things that happen during rough housing. I tell them that's part of playing like that, if they don't want to risk being hurt, or if they think the joking is going to upset them, to not start playing like that. They can make a suggestion for a different game if they'd like.

I've also pointed out to the adult to watch for signs that the kids may be starting to take the game a little too seriously, and to end it at that point. If they feel like the game ends while they have the 'upper hand' sometimes, they feel good about it and their tolerance for things going 'wrong' gets a little better. Or when DS comes to you upset, help him go back to the adult he has an issue with and resolve it directly. Then rather than 'tattling' to you, he's starting to assert his boundaries, which is of course a good thing to learn to do! 

Another thing to keep an eye on is his general mood when the play starts... if he's tired or hungry, it might be better to shut it down. 

I think it's really important to listen to how he feels, and let him know it's okay if he doesn't like playing that way... not everyone does. It makes *me* uncomfortable... I don't like roughhousing at all, I don't want to be anywhere near it, so when the kids play like that I usually have to go to another room. On the rare occasion that I'm included in it, I shut it down right away (they've pretty much learned that I'm not the one to go to for that kind of entertainment!)