Balancing conversational needs w/8 yo

[kimbersdawnly]

This may sound trivial to some but to the two of us, it's huge.

I'm having difficulty talking with my 8 yo son lately because he wants to go on and on about characters in books/video games and the things they do there.  I realize he's processing and also trying to understand what he finds so entertaining and that he is nobly trying to share his passions with me, all of which are important things for his little psyche.  But I can't seem to get past the minutia of character details.  It's utterly mind numbing and yet he can go on about it for HOURS, and I end up just tuning him out or cutting him short.  I know this is having a negative effect on him.  I know it's not ok for me to allow myself to be rude.  But I also don't think it is reasonable to expect myself to somehow manifest an deep interest in the personal lives of Link and Zelda, and what's more, I don't believe myself capable of doing so.  What I'm wondering is this: how does one communicate lack of interest in a beloved topic while simultaneously communicating interest in the joys and passions of the boy?  Is it possible?  I desperately want him to be open with me and I want to support him emotionally.  But it feels like torture sometimes!

Background if it helps:  I'm working really hard right now to try to overcome a lot of anger that has built up in him and I and a pair of short tempers that have come between us.  For nearly half of his life I feel like he's been back-burnered to one degree or another - ever since his sister was born and she and I were both really ill.  There's been a lot of family drama; surgeries and tests and diagnosis and living with disease kind of stuff.  So from 4-8 Caleb has pretty much been not the most pressing issue, which is a huge disservice to him and heart wrenching to me since we were so attached and so close when he was little.  I'm trying to modify my behaviors and build back up his self-esteem and sort of reattach, and in some areas I feel like we're doing really well, even though I know we have a long way to go.  But I feel like this hang up of mine is hurting our progress and he needs positive reinforcement of sharing and communicating behaviors.

help?

[rightkindofme]

My advice doesn't come from the trenches, so take it with a large grain of salt.  I would probably be honest about the fact that you are not as interested as he is, but say that for 'x' (what you can handle) hours you will listen and try to really be engages as he talks about them.  The rest of the time you really need to talk about something else.  And you need to find something for the two of you to do together so that you have something else to talk about.

Uhm, that's how I handle my husband.... :)

[Mummoth]

My son is 9 and we have the same issue... if it's something he saw on TV, I tell him if I was interested, I'd have watched it with him. For video games, I've actually played with him a bit... he liked Little Big Planet for a while. When I got on there with him for an hour, he thought it's great, and I didn't feel guilty saying I'm done with video games for the day after that, or "That sounds cool! Show me next time." Right now, he's waaaay into a computer game called Minecraft and I've actually gotten into it, too. You can set up different 'worlds' (files) so each member of the family can do their own thing. Sometimes I'll go into his world and go collect a bunch of stuff after he's asleep, and leave it for him to find next time he's on. He likes to show me when he's built something he's proud of, or look at something I built. He *still* wants to talk about it way more than I do, but I think being involved makes it easier for him to take when I'm just DONE.

[rightkindofme]

My husband suggested pointing him towards better RPG video games. :)  He says the first version of Knights of the Old Republic (a Star Wars world game) but don't get the second because it sucks, and basically anything by Spiderweb Software.

To be fair, KotOR is actually fun to listen to him talk about.  Not that I'll play it. ;)

[Juuulie]

Ugh, I can totally relate. My daughter is 12 and it's BOOKS that she goes on and on about! Books, even, that I have read and loved myself. It's not like pointing her towards better books is going to make any difference. What I would like to be able to do is get her to talk about what she's reading in a more interesting WAY, i.e. not just reciting the plot but giving a general (brief!) summary and maybe discussing a theme or character or whatever. I have tried to model this for her but oy veh, it is slow going. She also gives me detailed descriptions of the elaborate "let's pretend" games she plays with her friend, and again, I'm thrilled that she plays like that, but I just don't want every detail. Our situation is not nearly as extreme as the OP's in terms of family drama, but my daughter is definitely the middle kid who gets lost in the shuffle, and I feel very guilty that I can barely even fake interest in so much of her conversation. 

And then you get other parents complaining that their kids never tell them anything...

[kimbersdawnly]

Thank you so much Ladies!  Just knowing that I'm not the only mom that struggles with this is really helpful!

@Mummoth - That's a good idea!  Active involvement for a few minutes would probably carry the weight of hours of after conversation, and could go a long way towards saving my brain and even maybe give me something more interesting to discuss about it with him.  I detest most video games but I think i know some books that might be a bridge for us...

@Juuulie - I know EXACTLY what you mean.  I wouldn't care if we were discussing the Backyardigans  if we could just talk about some interesting aspect of it, theme, lessons yielded, character motive, social commentary...   and I try to teach and model deeper discussions with my son as well (it's a part of our day frequently - we home school now) but while he's facinated, engaged and comprehending when I show him these things in a work, he just isn't usually able to pick anything out yet himself.  I'm trying to come up with creative writing assignments for him to help ease him into the idea of looking at something more than mere plot, but it's not as easy task.  He struggles.  I think he's just afraid of failure partly.  Which I'm trying to resolve through possitive reinforcement and recognition and focused attention....  Which brings me full circle back to the the conversation problem!  Lol!

As I think more about it I am also realizing that my feelings have been exacerbated by the whole situation surrounding the video game's entrance into our family.  I was dead set against having anything like it in the house, certainly against having it anywhere that the kids would notice or be involved.  But in the end my husband overrode me, and since it has become a huge source of contention trying to get Caleb back into real life when he gets absorbed.  It's like it shuts him down from being mentally receptive to anything but the game and ohhhh the tantrums when we don't let him play or tell him its time to stop.  I think part of my conversational disgust is carry over from the awful hours of coping with the other behavioral problems surrounding it.  I just hadn't thought about it much since when we moved a few months ago we "couldn't find space" for the tv, so the gaming possibility has been removed from the house and therefore, 75% of the previous behavioral struggles.  I think even my gaming husband has noticed enough difference in Caleb to be genuinely glad of the current situation.  I only hope it lasts!  

[kimbersdawnly]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme 

My advice doesn't come from the trenches, so take it with a large grain of salt.  I would probably be honest about the fact that you are not as interested as he is, but say that for 'x' (what you can handle) hours you will listen and try to really be engages as he talks about them.  The rest of the time you really need to talk about something else.  And you need to find something for the two of you to do together so that you have something else to talk about.

Uhm, that's how I handle my husband.... :)

lol!  That is exactly how I had to handle MY husband when he dove into a year plus long foray into the world of D&D minis.  Usually he doesn't chat up his games, but that time oh there the acquisitions and how exciting their abilities were or what a deal he got on them or how he stomped this friend or that one in some campaign...  Yeah.  It was bad!

[ALittleBitCrunchy]

My DS is 9 and loves Pokemon. And video games. I am 38 and I don't like Pokemon and video games. ;)  We're in a similar situation in that his sister has a chronic illness and it's something that requires a lot of attention...so while we are paying attention to the disease, to his mind it's that we are paying attention to her. Add in the fact that DD and I are both Harry Potter geeks, which means that she can talk about her passion more than he can simply because I'm a more willing audience, and he feels slighted.

What I've done is found other related things for him. For example, his Easter basket included 2 books on how to draw Pokemon characters and a book that's a Pokemon encyclopedia of characters. Now, instead of him talking about the video games of Pokemon, I can suggest that he find a really cool one and draw it for me. He'll draw and when it's done we spend a few minutes talking about the character he picked. In his mind, it's 20 minutes of Pokemon with me but in reality it's only 3. We both win. Or, while we are in the car, I'll give him a challenge - something like, "Okay, if Uncle George were a Pokemon, which would he be?" and he'll go through his stacks of cards and look at the pics, read about them and find one. Then we'll do another person. Or I'll ask, "If I were fighting on a deserted island, which would be the best three to have in my hand?" and he'll happily sort through them again and figure out which three. He gets to do Pokemon and I don't have to be involved in the entire thing. It's a win-win. He's happy because he's getting all of this Pokemon time with me, and again, I'm happy because it's less boring than listening to him recite every detail about every Pokemon.

I also think my kids (7 and 9) are old enough to understand limits. I'll tell him, "We can talk 5 minutes about Pokemon but then I'm _____" and after a few minutes I wrap it up and we both move on. I can handle a few minutes at a time throughout the day but it simply isn't in me to truly care about Pokemon in any way. The whole concept is beyond me and I simply don't get it.

[meemee]

how long has he had the game? is he the kind that when he gets something new he wants to spend all his time on it and really understand it (video game or anything). 

do you think this is the honeymoon phase of video games and he is completely elated?

i have an anime watcher in my house.

[kimbersdawnly]

@ meemee - Sadly this is not just the excitement of a new thing, as all the games he talks about we've had and he's played for a year or more.  It's a persistent and focused affliction.

Incidentally we're a manga/anime family too, but the upside is that as long as it's a decent series, I actually enjoy that.  

@ alittlebitcrunchy - Thanks!  You seem to have come up with loads of good coping methods; I appreciate you sharing them.  I should work harder on finding ways to involve him like that!

[LynnS6]

This is more generic advice, but it might help with the conversation aspect and with the connection with your son in general. Two of my favorite parenting books, Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen and The Challenging Child by Stanley Greenspan, both offer very similar advice that I've found works well with my kids:

For 30 minutes a day, "play" with them however they want. They get to take the lead and direct the flow. For your son, it may be spending 30 minutes having you talk to him about his passion. Or maybe it's 30 minutes having you play Link and Zelda with him. For my kids, that helps s them connect to me. At the same time, since I know I've given them focused attention, it relieves some of my guilt when I say "you know, I'm done with that right now."

lessons yielded, character motive, social commentary...   and I try to teach and model deeper discussions with my son as well (it's a part of our day frequently - we home school now) but while he's fascinated, engaged and comprehending when I show him these things in a work, he just isn't usually able to pick anything out yet himself.  I'm trying to come up with creative writing assignments for him to help ease him into the idea of looking at something more than mere plot, but it's not as easy task.  He struggles.  I think he's just afraid of failure partly.  Which I'm trying to resolve through possitive reinforcement and recognition and focused attention....  Which brings me full circle back to the the conversation problem!

he's probably a bit young for character motive, social commentary, etc. He's 8. He's probably just barely mastered the narrative structure of the stories, and it'll be a couple more years before these more subtle aspects are happening for him.

I would suggest instead that you just keep doing it together. For your writing, you could have him write a story about his favorite characters, then together you could talk about the lessons, or the motives. Then you could have him go back and add some of those things into the story. He'll get to learn to extend his thinking and the value of drafting/re-writing all at the same time!