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A few questions about adoption

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 

Starting next month, I am going to be TTC a baby for our good friends who have been dealing with infertility for 6 years. All of our 3 children were born to us, and although we have done a 2nd parent adoption for all of them, we have no idea how a "private" adoption works. The adoptive parents will take the baby home from the hospital and we will do the adoption as soon as possible.  I have a few questions....

 

Do we NEED to use a lawyer?  We have done 3 adoptions already without a lawyer, and we would really like to save $. What specifically did your lawyer do besides the paperwork?

 

Did the baby you were adoption go right onto your insurance after birth, the next day? Or did you have to wait for the adoption to be finalized?

 

If BM had a c-section, were you allowed in the OR? I would really like my wife and the 2 adoptive parents there to witness the birth.

 

If you have an open adoption...what does the child call his/her birthmom? I am adopted but my adoption was closed, so this wasn't an issue.

 

 

I think that's it for now....I am sure I will be back with more questions at a later date!

 

-Sarah

post #2 of 7
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2moms3kids View Post

Starting next month, I am going to be TTC a baby for our good friends who have been dealing with infertility for 6 years. All of our 3 children were born to us, and although we have done a 2nd parent adoption for all of them, we have no idea how a "private" adoption works. The adoptive parents will take the baby home from the hospital and we will do the adoption as soon as possible.  I have a few questions....

 

Do we NEED to use a lawyer?  We have done 3 adoptions already without a lawyer, and we would really like to save $. What specifically did your lawyer do besides the paperwork?

 

I'm pretty sure the answer is yes, you need one. 

 

Did the baby you were adoption go right onto your insurance after birth, the next day? Or did you have to wait for the adoption to be finalized?

 

Depends on your insurance.  For us, our policy states that the child is covered from birth as long as the adoption is finalized.  Not all insurance policies work the same way though, so they would have to check with their insurance company.

 

If BM had a c-section, were you allowed in the OR? I would really like my wife and the 2 adoptive parents there to witness the birth.

 

Usually only one person is allowed in the OR with you.

 

If you have an open adoption...what does the child call his/her birthmom? I am adopted but my adoption was closed, so this wasn't an issue.

 

We haven't been here yet, but my guess right now is that we will go with just calling her by her first name and explaining that she is the child's birthmom.

 

I think that's it for now....I am sure I will be back with more questions at a later date!

 

Best of luck on this journey.  It seems like a really amazing thing you are doing for you friends. 

 

-Sarah



 

post #3 of 7

Are the adoptive parents straight (or at least male) and you are using their sperm to conceive? That could change a lot of stuff.

 

If both adoptive parents are not biologically related to the baby, they will likely need to be certified by the state in order to adopt. There is also an adoption tax credit that will cover a certain amount of adoption expenses. However, if you are using the sperm from the father, I doubt if this would apply, though I don't know. We did a non-relative domestic, newborn adoption with a private attorney and all our expenses were covered by the tax credit (including our certification and post-placement visits.)

 

Have you researched what it is like to be a surrogate? There are some people who have posted here before that they did that and really regretted it. This seemed to be more true when the surrogate used her own eggs rather than donor eggs/embryo. I think I may have seen some stuff about what it's like to watch a friend raise your child, though that may have been somewhere else. If emotions are different than expected (as seems highly probable) friendships could be ruined over this. I HIGHLY recommend researching this component (plus the legal component as you are doing) before you start TTC. It would be really awful to get information you did not expect when the baby was already conceived.

 

If you do do the surrogacy research and decide it all works for you, have you considered breastfeeding? The adoptive mom(s) could induce lactation and you (or your wife, whichever of you gives birth) could pump to supplement what the adoptive mom cannot make. You can find info on this at www.asklenore.com

post #4 of 7
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SundayCrepes View Post

Are the adoptive parents straight (or at least male) and you are using their sperm to conceive? That could change a lot of stuff.

 

If both adoptive parents are not biologically related to the baby, they will likely need to be certified by the state in order to adopt. There is also an adoption tax credit that will cover a certain amount of adoption expenses. However, if you are using the sperm from the father, I doubt if this would apply, though I don't know. We did a non-relative domestic, newborn adoption with a private attorney and all our expenses were covered by the tax credit (including our certification and post-placement visits.)

 

Have you researched what it is like to be a surrogate? There are some people who have posted here before that they did that and really regretted it. This seemed to be more true when the surrogate used her own eggs rather than donor eggs/embryo. I think I may have seen some stuff about what it's like to watch a friend raise your child, though that may have been somewhere else. If emotions are different than expected (as seems highly probable) friendships could be ruined over this. I HIGHLY recommend researching this component (plus the legal component as you are doing) before you start TTC. It would be really awful to get information you did not expect when the baby was already conceived.

 

If you do do the surrogacy research and decide it all works for you, have you considered breastfeeding? The adoptive mom(s) could induce lactation and you (or your wife, whichever of you gives birth) could pump to supplement what the adoptive mom cannot make. You can find info on this at www.asklenore.com



They are 2 women, so we will be using donor sperm and they are already licensed foster parents in our state, so that isn't an issue. They currently have 2 foster children who will be reunited with mom soon.  The child will be legally and biologically 100% mine until I sign the TPR paperwork. I have done much thinking about this, for many years and am confident in my decision. I am also adopted so I understand that side of the situation too. We will be consulting a lawyer though, just to make sure everything falls into place.

 

post #5 of 7
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2moms3kids View Post

They are 2 women, so we will be using donor sperm and they are already licensed foster parents in our state, so that isn't an issue. They currently have 2 foster children who will be reunited with mom soon.  The child will be legally and biologically 100% mine until I sign the TPR paperwork. I have done much thinking about this, for many years and am confident in my decision. I am also adopted so I understand that side of the situation too. We will be consulting a lawyer though, just to make sure everything falls into place.

 



A friend was a foster parent. To adopt her foster children she had to be certified to adopt.

post #6 of 7

It depends on the state. In my state, there isn't a separate adoption certification/license. Everyone goes through the same training and the same home study. You just tell the state whether you are interested in fostering, foster adopting, or straight adoption. My adoption home study was just a formality and was just paperwork.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by SundayCrepes View Post





A friend was a foster parent. To adopt her foster children she had to be certified to adopt.


 

I can't answer the rest of your questions but we call my kids birth parents by their first names. Except for my son's maternal grandmother. She's "Grandma" to all of the kids.

 

 

post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 

They are certified to adopt. We also have the name of an adoption lawyer we will be using when the time comes (ie once I am pregnant). Thanks to those who answered my questions!!

-Sarah

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