A positive perspective thread

[waiting2bemommy]

I'm hoping I'm not the only who struggles with this......it occured to me yesterday when I was recounting to SO yet another sordid tale of misbehavior, that our commentary/discussion/attitudes about ds have become increasingly negative lately. I was really ashamed yesterday to realize that for a whole week straight I've called SO on the phone every day in exasperation to tell him about something or other that ds did. But have I called him to tell him something ds did well? No. And for all my complaining about ds, it doesn't improve his behavior one iota.

So my goal this upcoming week is to change my perspective. No matter what he does or how he acts I'm going to stay positive. I'm going to say only good things about him to other people. (we are in TX visiting family for the summer, so this is kind of a biggie since there are other adults who are significantly less AP-inclined, and will kind of run with negative criticism).

This is going to be challenging. Ds often reacts negatively to positive feedback. So if I say, "wow, look how nicely you're coloring in the lines" he will promptly start coloring outside the lines and scribbling. If I compliment him for staying in his chair, he will jump out of it and start running around. And he will go so far as to tell me, "Don't tell me what to do. I'm making you mad right now." It *is* maddening and I know he is feeding off my overall negativity. And I can't just ignore attention getting misbehavior because he is unable to self regulate and he won't get himself back in control without my help. Plus, he uses that a lot to get out of doing things he doesn't want to do. So, if he starts scribbling all over his OT workbook and I take it away, then he gets out of doing it. So we get stuck in these frustrating battles of wills. Hence my recent descent into yelling, griping and complaining.

So I'm revamping my outlook this week. Any suggestions on staying positive while still mainaining expectations for behavior would be appreciated. What do you all do when you realize the atmosphere is turning negative, or you're correcting/reprimanding more than encouraging or praising? And hopefully I'm not the only one who has slipped into this negative cycle and needs to break out of it asap....

[LynnS6]

No real advice except to say that since you know he reacts negatively to praise, that I wouldn't ramp up the praise. So, when he's drawing, it's equally positive to say "Tell me about your drawing." If he's sitting nicely, use that opportunity to engage him in conversation. Ask him what he'd most like to do in the world. Imagine going to the moon together, or whatever he's interested in. So, in other words, reward him with attention when he's doing positive things, but don't tell him that he's doing well.

The other thing is what can you do to set up your environment or your schedule so he's more successful? He's got some mild special needs, right? What helps that? I know it's hard with more than one little one, but if you can get him into a good routine that might help a lot.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Sounds like a great plan!  I'm curious to see how it goes - be sure to post.  

[rainbringer]

 I believe it's really important to focus on the positive too, but dd doesn't always like to hear positive feedback in the moment.  So when I am talking to dh on the phone, I may mention what dd did well that day, and she is nearby and hears it.  Or at bedtime, I will say, You know what really impressed me today? and mention one or two things that went well. 

I give as little attention to negative behavior as possible, and try to assume positive intent.

[waiting2bemommy]

Updating: Well, so far so good, until this afternoon. Ds never fell asleep at naptime and then we had to go to the library to return some books. There was a kids' stage production  going on, which I didn't know about beforehand, so we stayed for that. He did great during the play, participated fairly well, but I guess it was still overstimulating, because after that he was WILD. He ran wild through the library yelling and screaming, knocking books over and refusing to listen to me. I was so embarrassed, trying to get out of there as fast as possible, but naturally there was a problem with our library card and it took forever.

So, other than this afternoon, which deteriorated into me yelling at him (again), we've done pretty good.

I had tried taking him off his schedule, since we are visiting family for the summer, and they don't seem to folllow any routine at all, and I didn't want to be the control freak mom and not go with the flow. But that was a definite disaster so after a week of that he is back on his schedule and I see a definite improvement with that. I am just struggling with finding ways other than spanking, which is what everyone else wants (and admittedly it works) to get him back under control when he goes wild. Once the novelty/shock value wears off from getting a swat on his butt, that's not going to work anymore either, as I have pointed out several times to the pro-spanking chorus.

Today he struck at his cousin and spit in her face (not in a mean way but in an out of control, spitting everywhere, spinning around and hitting everything way) and trying to be positive I said, "oops! It looks like you hit your cousin. I know you didn't mean to do that! Let's find a better space for you to be wild in." To which he said, "Yes I did, I wanted to hit her so she would cry. It's funny when people cry." I ignored that and tried to lead him away to where he could spin around and go a little nuts more safely, and he kept running back to the furniture and deliberately trying to get in the way, knocking things over and being incredibly obnoxious.  I finally sent him to his room to sit on the bed because I couldn't think of anything else to do.

I did tell him today that I was so excited that he had fun at the library play, and that he and his sister were so cute dancing together. This is a biggie because he is very jealous of his sister and cousin getting attention for being pretty, getting their hair done, etc. So he was happy to be called cute, and really ate that up. I also tried complimenting him after the show, saying "You used such good manners and were so well behaved in the play." And he immediately replied, "Yes, so now I can use my very bad manners and not be well behaved!" So clearly that was not the right approach. Sigh.

We've been doing a LOT of playdough....the squeezing and kneading seems to be a calming sensory activity about 75% of the time (the other 25% of the time it gets him more worked up....I am still trying to figure out how to predict which way it will go, and which sensory things are consistently calming for him), and also a LOT of reading. He was on a reading kick for awhile but now he just wants me to read to him, and he doesn't want to sound the words out himself, so that's ok too and since we are doing the library's summer reading program, we are reading a big variety of books (a different theme each week) and I know he is retaining a lot even if it doesn't always show.

One big thing I've noticed is that since I have been paying more attention to him when he is behaving appropriately, he has suddenly started saying "thank you" spontaneously a lot more often.

I appreciate all the suggestions and please keep them coming! I know nothing is 100% but I know I can do better than I've been doing, and SO is on board with this because it turns out he had noticed the same pattern, so hopefully with soe effort we can change this dynamic. Ds is an awesome kid when he's not making me crazy, lol. I don't want to see him become the family scapegoat.

[Mittsy]

Just out of curiosity, have you thought may'be NOT complimenting/praising him might have a effect on his behavior? I was a child who responded negatively to praise(and I have one as well), I always wanted my parents to be more interested in ME rather than just what I did with a vague "good job".