sibling rivalry...it is ugly in my house

[elevena true]

for this moment i will probably be brief, but i do need some insight as to what on earth i can do to help my two girls find more ways of working things out between themselves.

dd 1 is 7, dd 2 is 4. the 7 year old is quite delicate and intense at the same time. she can be the sweetest, most obliging and doting playmate, or she can be the most controlling and inflexible playmate. when her playing form takes the latter, there really is no way to separate the two kids. even though she is unhappy in the play, dd 1 will stick with it, basically usurping all of the energy she can from the situation. it is incredibly frustrating. i do try to draw her away from her little sister by engagin her myself, but it doesn;t work. she gets "stuck in the mud" quite easily. it is quite hard to retrieve her, and the situation can easily escalate until there is some blow out.

dd 2 is quite content to play on her own during these times, if  only she would be allowed to. because she is fully aware that sis does not listen to her words, she has become quite the screamer. when there is the tiniest threat that sis will do something she doesn;t want, it turns into a scream. i cannot handle it.

that is a major issue i see.... dd 1 has some major boundary issues. she often does not accept no, or people asking her for space. how can i emphasize those things even more? we are struggling.

dd 1 has often stressed that she feels unloved by me, or that i love her sister more than i love her. this is in no way the case. a difficult element is that dd 2 is much more mellow and easy going. she is easier to love. the same battles i have with dd 1 just do not exist with her. she is emotionally grounded, takes space for herself when she needs it, and can talk about her feelings in the midst or after the fact. she is quite loving. dd 1 also possesses some of these qualities, moreso at certain times over others, but she is just fiercer in her nature. of course i love her. i know she came to me because i could love her and guide her in a way that actually nutures that dynamic spirit....but whoa. right now we seem to butt heads a lot.  

any ideas out there about how i can nuture dd 1 to accept boundaries and help the two of them to either engage in separate activities or play together more peacefully, with everyone being heard?

and yes, i have read 'siblings without rivalry.' i've got some refreshing to do, but i am basically on par with the book. i try to offer them each their own designated time and doting attention from me, and opt never to compare in front of them (this post is quite outside of our reality), etc, etc. maybe they just really need to be involved in separate activities? even though they end up bickering so much whne they play together lately, i also can't keep them apart.

  i guess i did end up being verbose.

                               help!?

[zebra15]

I don't know if you work outside the home or are a SAHM.  I'm guessing you are single by the signature

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So... Does the older DD go to school during the school year or do you homeschool?  Are the kids home all day in the summer or is this a nights and weekend issue?  Can you find activities for each child independently? For example our library had a program for school age kids and another for pre-school kids.  That way one kid can go to room #1 and one to room #2 for an hour or so one day a week.  Send one kid out to play while the other is inside, then switch for a bit.  They do not need to play together all day long.  Kid 1 can do an art project while kid 2 reads a book type of thing.

Do you need to get out of the house more?  Head to a park.  Do you need to plan for 'field trips'?

I was the older sibling and absolutely detested my sister.  Honestly, I never interacted with her.  We lived in the same house but I was always off doing my own thing.  I had my own likes and interests.  My sister had boundary issues but by the time she was school age she understood my space vs her space type of thing. (we are 6 years apart)

[K1329]

My kids are 7 & 4, too. Our situation, at times, sounds similar to yours. We have the 7 yo running the show, and, the 4 yo playing by his older sisters rules.
My kids play pretty well for the most part. When they do start butting heads, I separate them for awhile - time apart/separate activities works wonders. When they get back together, they're content to play happily together again. Or, a family outing has the same effect.
I also notice that my 4 yo takes more initiative in their play as he matures. He is less & less likely to blindly follow his older sisters lead. It's also interesting to me that while my 7 yo runs the show with her sibling, she is flexible with her friends, and, my 4 can run the show with his friends. Aaahhh, sibling dynamics!!
I'll be curious to read others responses.

[SweetSilver]

I have a hard time with this, in part because I was the youngest of three sisters.  I felt picked on and they would not leave me alone even though I cried and begged.  So I have to go into this with my mental gears in full focus, or I fall into that mentality again when my girls get into it!

    Mine are closer in age (4.5 and 6.5) and are they are best friends..... with everything that goes with it.  They are inseparable.  They hate each other.  They can't do without one another.  DD2 is the screamer as well.  DD1 has the vindictive streak, the bossiness and the derisiveness.  She brags at every chance, in a way designed to make her sister feel bad.  I also find it easier to like my youngest.  At least until she goes on a screaming rampage.  Whoa!

     But honestly?  All this is an improvement from when they were little and nothing got done in the house because I had to play bodyguard constantly.  DD2 was bitten and pushed and squeezed.  She was not aloud any toys when she became interested in them, and every little concession made to DD2 was met with howls and tantrums.

     The fights start now when one of them doesn't want to play the game the "right way" or when one doesn't want to play at all.  We are working on it slowly.  Sympathizing helps.  There really is no easy way to quit a game, but you have to offer some explanation.  You don't get to scream at people.  You don't get to not answer people.  I tell DD1 that she has to deal with DD2's screaming because she walked out of the game.  I'll coach her if she can't think of what to say, then DD2 has to stop screaming. 

     Often I don't interfere in their fights, or even when I hear some unfairness happening.  If they are playing and talking things out, I let them.  Sometimes they come up with solutions to their problems I didn't consider, or are OK with some solutions I would be unhappy with.  They surprise me.

     But then things will disintegrate and I will go sit with them on the couch.  They pick out books, or if they are screaming, I do.  Sometimes if they are yelling AT me I have a hard time functioning.  My innate reaction is to be still and quiet and wait.  That sounds soooo enlightened but I really cannot do anything else.  If I do take one of them back to the bedroom to cool down or yell it out (with me) the other one is close behind yelling "You can't do that!" even though not two minutes before they hated each other.

     At some point, when things were the worst about 2 years ago (actually some of DD1's awful behavior was due to an undiagnosed wheat allergy)  I started sleeping with both of them again instead of tucking them in separately.  Here we have a calm, healing space, just time to snuggle and let the worries of the day melt away.  It definitely helped though it didn't fix the problem.  I know this is a very personal decision and wouldn't be acceptable in other families, but I highly recommend it to families who are willing.

[kindacrunchy]

Sounds like your girls are the female versions of my boys! You are not alone and I am waiting patiently for so me good ideas:)

[NZJMama]

Our house is pretty similar. My boys are 4 & 6 and most of the time they get along beautifully. When mine start fighting I try to help them solve the issue appropriately, but if it continues I separate them for awhile. I set up separate independent activities that they enjoy in separate parts of the house. They usually protest, but then will play contently for a long time. I think it is helping them to learn that it is okay to step back and regain a sense of perspective when emotions start to run high.  I say "use your words" about a hundred times a day and if they are struggling to find the right words I help them.Usually something like "I feel _____ when you _____"  This can be pretty comical at times. 

My 6yo has recently started telling me that he feels like I love the others more than him. I have made it a point to not only spend some 1:1 with him, but also let him be the baby occasionally. I will carry him on my back or help him carry his stuff in from the car. Just little things that I *think* help him to feel like I take care of him too, even if he is the oldest. I also tell him that I love them all "equally, but uniquely" and other similar statements about how lucky I am that he is my kid. Oh, and I tell them how lucky they are to have a brother who can be their friend. Maybe I can brainwash them into liking eachother this way :)

I struggle with how to handle sibling rivalry. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or not and it is a source of parenting anxiety for me. Good luck and I will be checking back here for others ideas.  

[kathymuggle]

My girls (12 and 8) have had intense sibling issues for years.

In a nutshell:

Older DD was mean to younger DD, I usually defended the right of younger DD to not be attacked, older DD thought "you always take her side!  You love her more!".  Repeat cycle.

It was horrible and I did not know how to end the cycle.

They are doing better now - but this took years.  Here is what helped:

-taking time for myself so I would do not go insane

-one on one time with the each girl

-girls having stuff they can do without their sibling present (camp, extra curriculur, etc)

-teaching the younger child to defend herself so I do not have to defend her.  This has been key.  I wish I had worked on this earlier.  That being said - in some ways (until recently) the age gap did make for an uneven playing field in skirmishes.

-I sometimes send them upstairs or outside if they keep squabbling.  They may choose to fight - but I do not choose to have the environment made unpleasant through squabbling.  This sometimes work - they back off when they realise they will have to go outside or upstair and argue if they continue.