Remind me why NOT to wean my 2.5yo...

[crunchy_mommy]

I'm at the end of my rope & just need a little encouragement to keep going. I feel certain weaning is not in DS's interest & I'd probably regret it for my own sake as well, I just need some reminders on the benefits and stuff so I can get through yet another rough patch...

[Dana Munnings]

For me, it has always been the easiest and fastest way to get my child to calm down and fall asleep! 

Remember all the good antibodies too!! 

[meemee]

crunchy you know what this is all about right?!!!! bfeeding is just one of ur issues right?!!!

high needs baby!!!

kudos to you for even getting this far. 

so here is the reminder of the benefit. 

this is purely my own humble opinion. throw out all that stuff about antibodies and nutrition. my unscientific self says that is not that important anymore. what is MOST important is the psychological aspect of bf which is becoming HUGE now as he enters this whole scary phase. 

crunchy i have no proof of this, but i do think two things contribute HUGELY to dd's mental well being. bf (till 8 1/2 - milk dried up at 3 so would u call that nursing or 'live pacifying') and cosleeping. i have mental illness on both sides of my family and i wanted to give dd a good head start to a 'warm glow' life. her dad was already depressed by the time he was 5. 

your sweet little terror is entering scary and more scary stages of life as he becomes more and more aware of the big bad world. and the best place in the world is on mama's lap between her squishy breasts. 

hey just try to see if ds is ready to wean or not and he will tell in not so many words LOUD and CLEAR if he is or not.

however here is the important part...

its important to put both your needs on the table and then assess. you have to decide whose needs are more important. just coz ds wants it is not good reason for mama to ignore her needs.

if your son is super sensitive emotionally then he will totally pick up that you are nursing him under duress. that's not a good reason to continue bf. its time to help him find other things to self soothe - not mama. yeah absolutely he will throw a HUGE fight (i mean a HNschild is not going to give in that easy right? which is a GREAT adult trait ) but it just means you have to try harder urself to help him find another alternative. 

i mean its easy for me to say - noooooooo dont stop. but then it was absolutely important to me in a pretty radical way to NOT stop. perhaps intuitively i knew how much dd needed it. yeah i was sick of it sometimes and yeah i showed it but that was sometimes. not all the time. 

ETA: oooooh MY biggest benefit was TANTRUMS. nothing helped dd deal with them than bf from 2 to 3. WHEW!!!! but i had to make sure she hadnt gone over too much or she wouldnt be able to nurse. but man oh man!!! was i ever grateful for bf then. and man i didnt care. i did it everywhere. NIP was easier on me than a publicly tantruming child (because i said my pretend bone was red when dd wanted hers to be red so why did i choose red FIRST) yeah i can look back and laugh at all that. 

[crunchy_mommy]

Yes, you're right, high needs... it's been a rough few weeks, too, with 4th of July celebrations (whole neighborhood has been setting off fireworks day & night and DS is very noise-sensitive).

I think I have some kind of nursing aversion or anxiety or something. I WANT to nurse, I want to like nursing, but I don't & I'm not sure I ever have... I've had good moments and enjoy the cuddling part of it (and the peace & quiet!) but the part with him being latched on -- NOT a fan. I don't know, maybe there is something wrong with me. I've never gotten that 'blissful' feeling everyone else talks about... on a good day, it's just tolerable, not 'blissful' by any stretch. Sometimes his latch is painful but most of the time it's not, I just can't stand to be latched on. He's been really good about staying still, not fiddling etc. but I still have to distract myself as much as possible to get through nursing sessions. Maybe it's the constancy... although I've managed to cut him down A TON and it's still not working for me. But I feel without a shadow of a doubt that he NEEDS to continue nursing right now. I know lots of kids do fine not nursing at this age, but DS is not one of them. Nursing is still crucial for him. I also feel like *I* would fall apart if I weren't nursing -- weird, I know, considering how much I dislike it, but I just feel like I need it too, not as much as DS though. Plus DS does not really like hugs and stuff so I think I'd never get to cuddle him at all if he weren't nursing. *sigh* And I feel like the limits I've set have made nursing slightly more tolerable but also means we don't get some of the benefits -- like I no longer nurse him to sleep or use nursing to calm tantrums and stuff... I'm making no sense... I guess I will just keep plugging away but I wish I could enjoy it like I see so many other moms seem to...

[ElliesMomma]

give him some limits, if you can. like count to 100, or the ABCs several times.

you don't have to LOVE it all the time. sometimes it really annoys me, like when i'm trying to eat my dinner and he always wants to nurse.

but having BF my daughter for a long time, i can attest that it's great for their confidence, and calming them in a big hurry in case of "emergency".

[crunchy_mommy]

Yeah we do lots of limits, way more than I ever imagined or wanted. I have him down to only nursing a few hours in the morning (while he's half-asleep) and 2-3 times throughout the day. Often I do count or otherwise cut him off. I feel like crap though because I'm always saying 'no' or rushing him and it doesn't make a difference how many limits I put in place, I still dread latch-on every time and I still cringe every time he asks and it just takes so much out of me. I end up feeling like I am not meeting his needs OR mine.

I do think it's good for his anxiety and yeah, it's good in an 'emergency' too...

[ElliesMomma]

my son is almost 2. i am going to keep nursing on demand (pretty much) until he turns 2. once he does, i am going to try to phase out the nursing in church and other places that i am just getting tired of it. right now, my plan is to stock my backpack with dum-dums (suckers). or maybe i can get away with giving him cut up apple slices (better for his teeth). in any case, i am going to have a tempting treat to offer instead. 

he will continue to get plenty of chances at other times, and i will keep up with nursing to sleep, in the mornings, and overnights. 

[Thing1Thing2]

I would just like to add my experience. My DS weaned about 6 months ago when I lost my milk due to pregnancy. It was great for me - he wasn't nursing all night, he wasn't asking to nurse all day, and the feelings of nursing while pregnant were intolerable for me.

He is high needs just like your LO and possibly on the spectrum. When he weaned, his behaviors got worse and uncontrollable at times.  I also feel that he is less able to cope and regulate his emotions - when I know for a fact that a good nurse used to solve all of that. I've since started offering it to him, but he doesn't know how to nurse anymore.

I know I made the right decision for myself to wean when I lost my milk, because I didn't have the strength or nutrition to take care of 2 babies (allergies) - but I also know my DS is missing out on something by not being able to nurse anymore.

[crunchy_mommy]

Bonnie, that's what I'm afraid of, sometimes I feel like nursing is the only thing that keeps DS sane and he is just going to fall apart and become even more uncontrollable if he stops nursing. Plus there is the simple issue of SLEEP. If I refuse to nurse him (i.e. when I have AF and can only deal with shorter sessions) then he only sleeps 7-8 hours. If I nurse him all morning, he sleeps 11-12 hours in a day. I can't stand nursing him for naps anymore so he is not napping (except when we occasionally manage to time a car ride just right). Sleep is a major issue for us. *sigh*

[Thing1Thing2]

Yes, I totally understand about the sleep issues. My DS is just beginning to get better. He has slept all night for the past 2 weeks, (except for one night). I'm sure it had *something* to do with night-weaning, but I'm not sure if that was the main cause. 

It really has taken about 6 to 7 months for his sleep to get better. After we weaned, he was constantly waking up. I don't know if it was due to routine from nursing at night, or due to night terrors. I really never figured it out. But the three main things that helped us were - night weaning - making the room colder and letting him sleep naked - and putting him on a *really* strict schedule. Now he goes for his nap at 12 (regardless of whether he wants to or not), and we start the sleep process at 9 (we let him fall asleep on his own).

I have to admit, it's really frustrating trying to get him to nap at 12, because he usually fights. But when he goes down he usually sleeps 2 to 3 hours. And it makes for a much easier bedtime for him. I guess the old saying "sleep begets sleep" is true. 

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by meemee 

but i do think two things contribute HUGELY to dd's mental well being. bf (till 8 1/2 - milk dried up at 3 so would u call that nursing or 'live pacifying') and cosleeping. i have mental illness on both sides of my family and i wanted to give dd a good head start to a 'warm glow' life.nbsp;

Really? 5.5 years of nursing without milk? I have never, ever, heard of anyone doing that. So, your 8.5 year old was still nursing and co sleeping at night? Thats really weird to me, but I got my period at 9, so I can not imagine being anywhere near my moms boobs at that age. Did your DD just keep asking for it, even though there was no milk? Do you believe that dry nursing for almost 9 years is what has kept your DD from having a mental illness? I'm sorry if Im prying, but Im just really curious about your reasonings for this.

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

Yes, you're right, high needs... it's been a rough few weeks, too, with 4th of July celebrations (whole neighborhood has been setting off fireworks day & night and DS is very noise-sensitive).

I think I have some kind of nursing aversion or anxiety or something. I WANT to nurse, I want to like nursing, but I don't & I'm not sure I ever have... I've had good moments and enjoy the cuddling part of it (and the peace & quiet!) but the part with him being latched on -- NOT a fan. I don't know, maybe there is something wrong with me. I've never gotten that 'blissful' feeling everyone else talks about... on a good day, it's just tolerable, not 'blissful' by any stretch. Sometimes his latch is painful but most of the time it's not, I just can't stand to be latched on. He's been really good about staying still, not fiddling etc. but I still have to distract myself as much as possible to get through nursing sessions. Maybe it's the constancy... although I've managed to cut him down A TON and it's still not working for me. But I feel without a shadow of a doubt that he NEEDS to continue nursing right now. I know lots of kids do fine not nursing at this age, but DS is not one of them. Nursing is still crucial for him. I also feel like *I* would fall apart if I weren't nursing -- weird, I know, considering how much I dislike it, but I just feel like I need it too, not as much as DS though. Plus DS does not really like hugs and stuff so I think I'd never get to cuddle him at all if he weren't nursing. *sigh* And I feel like the limits I've set have made nursing slightly more tolerable but also means we don't get some of the benefits -- like I no longer nurse him to sleep or use nursing to calm tantrums and stuff... I'm making no sense... I guess I will just keep plugging away but I wish I could enjoy it like I see so many other moms seem to...

You know, sometimes I enjoy it, and sometimes I hate it. I think one thing to remember is that its okay to set limits and if you want to, its okay to wean. You have to take care of yourself too, and if nursing is adding to your anxiety maybe its time to set some real limits. I am planning on weaning in October, so Ive already set some limits. Some of them are more for my personal comfort than they are for preparing DD to wean.

Here are our new rules:
No nursing standing up or while trying to play, she has to be lying down, in a sling, laying in my lap.
No nursing for longer than 20 minutes (my boobs hurt so bad!)
No nursing just because she bumped into something- I need to learn to comfort her in other ways.
No nursing after first sleep until the sun comes up in the morning.
No nursing for naps, unless she is in the sling or her teeth are really hurting (basically, Ill do it, but not regularly. )


Thats pretty much it. Im pregnant and my boobs hurt like hell. She has started to understand that comfort comes in other forms besides nursing

[stik]

I don't have any strong feelings about nursing three year olds. Some kids do, some kids don't, it can make your life easier or it can drive you nuts. Personally, I weaned my dds when nursing made me feel crazy. At that point, I didn't feel it was good for bonding or emotional comfort to have mommy go nuts, and they were plenty old enough to do without it nutritionally.

I think it's important to remember that there generally is a rough period associated with weaning but that roughness fades as the child learns new coping skills and new methods of soothing. OP, if you strongly feel your child is not ready to wean, you are probably right. It sounds like you are moving towards weaning in your own emotional trajectory. You could start identifying other ways to comfort your ds and start offering them now to help your ds move towards weaning too.

I don't think super-extended nursing has mental health benefits.

[crunchy_mommy]

Thanks for the additional input!

If it were only about me, I'd almost definitely wean now (or... um... a year or two ago!!) but I do feel he still needs it. We do have lots of limits but it's not enough. I think I'd be OK with things though if: 1) I can get more time to myself, & 2) I can get the kid to stay ASLEEP without nursing!!

Working on #1, talked to DH about it & he's going to make an effort to give me more time away from DS. 24/7 just isn't working I have the house to myself right now actually (and I'm wasting it on here!! )

No idea what to do about #2, I can't just have him sleep 8 hours a day!!! I don't know how to get him to stay asleep in the morning, he goes from dead asleep to wide awake in seconds unless I nurse him pretty much continuously for the last ~3 hours of sleep. I do have one last idea for naps (going to try books on tape or even the 'forbidden' TV as my last resort, and see if that helps) and if that doesn't work I think I'm totally out of options. It's that constant nursing for an hour, 2, 3 hours straight that really puts me over the edge, but no amount of rocking/shushing/singing/walking/white noise/etc. will get him to stay asleep or nap!!

I do have him sleeping the first half of the night without nursing (since 6mos ago) but now I'm kind of worried because I started a thread in the Toddlers forum about him waking up shaking in the middle of the night & someone mentioned it might be hypoglycemia, which it very well could be, and I'm thinking if it is that he may need to keep nursing in the middle of the night???? *sigh* I feel like I take 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, and now I'm worried I'm putting his health in danger by not letting him nurse when it's dark out. I think we need to make an appointment with his doctor but I'm not sure he'll take us seriously and maybe I am making too a big a deal out of all this.

[Montse]

I am having similar issues with breastfeeding my DD who turns three on Oct. 1.  She nurses every 30-40 minutes for anywhere between 2 minutes to over an hour.  I'm so over it.  I would love to know how nursing is beneficial to their confidence.  

Thank you!

[stik]

I could have nursed forever if my dds had wanted to nurse for 10-20 minutes 3 times a day.  But they wanted to nurse for 20 seconds every 3.5 minutes, and there was just no way.  If anecdata helps, both are quite confident, and my younger, who weaned earlier, is especially so.  The world is her oyster, everyone likes her, and she is incredibly successful at ordering other children to be her friends.  

I don't think weaning deserves the credit, but it certainly hasn't done serious damage.

[Montse]

My daughter is confident, energetic and has a huge imagination.  I don't mind nursing; it's the frequency throughout the day that becomes so tiresome for me especially when I have to work.  I take long breaks several times a day to sit on the sofa, read and nurse.  She also lays in my lap to nurse while I'm at my desk.  I usually can't get anything done and that's when I burn out on nursing.  I feel guilty about being so tired of it.  I would be happy with nursing her once in the morning for 1-2 hours, before nap-time and before bed-time.  I have no idea how to get through the huge tantrums when I say no so I always give in and most of the time, offer no resistance.  I want to go easy on weaning her but there are times when I just have to get something done that can't wait till after she goes to sleep and of course, those are the times she wants me most!  haha! 

[meemee]

montse is your dd going through a growth spurt? is she on the brink of doing something big - like skipping or emotional growth. i remember right before some big event dd would do what i call the irritating nursing. like yours. dd also goes thru summer growth spurts. she eats a lot and nursed a LOT in summer and end of summer she'd shoot up. 

i am not sure how to answer you about the 'how'. dd is a deep thinker. she'd think about deep issues when she wasnt emotionally ready to deal with the emotional aspect of that question. like death. or whenever she was sad. so she'd nurse. nursing made her feel safe and secure. i guess that led to her high self esteem. everytime i'd try to tell her no - esp. when she was older she would get very upset and wouldnt understand why i wanted her to stop. however if i told her not today because my nipples hurt she'd understand. 

dd however is also a v. oral child. meaning she likes chewing gum, feeling textures. as a toddler seh'd taste my lipsticks, lotions. that is why i think nursing was sooo huge for her and calmed her like nothing else could. it really helped her relax. 

Originally Posted by Montse 

I am having similar issues with breastfeeding my DD who turns three on Oct. 1.  She nurses every 30-40 minutes for anywhere between 2 minutes to over an hour.  I'm so over it.  I would love to know how nursing is beneficial to their confidence.  

Thank you!