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Ugh... We need to do this too!
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Well, I have heard that there are a few good on-line options out there. I'd start with nolo.com. They're a sort of DIY law publisher that's been around for a while. I've also heard that WillMaker (also by Nolo, apparently) has also gotten good reviews.
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Of course, if (or when) you can afford it, I'd definitely seek out the advice of a real-life lawyer who specializes in wills & estates. Like Philomom said, it doesn't have to be all that expensive in the end. Based on my experience with online tax software, there's only so much depth you can get out of a computer program... You'd be able to create a better will for your child(ren) with a lawyer.
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And before you go the electronic route, you might also check into other legal resources in your area. Community clinics or law school clinics may have programs that offer services at reduced rates or for free if you qualify.
The legalities are probably different depending on where you are. I'd look into whether a notarized letter would do the trick. Basically, you just sign you letter stating your wishes in the presence of a lawyer or notary and they sign it, too. This would cost *maybe* a few hundred dollars. You'd give a copy to the person(s) you'd want your kids to go to, and keep a copy with your other important documents.Â
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I have a court order that says that in the event of my death, my 'share' of guardianship would pass on to my mom. My ex isn't a fit parent, so I needed to protect the kids just in case. I didn't mind sharing other aspects of guardianship with him, though, so we did it that way. Now that the kids have had a step-dad for a few years, I've been thinking of doing the notarized letter thing... him and mom would be able to co-operate on custody/guardianship, but ex's parents would definitely try and take the kids (so they could take the $ from the divorce) I think the end result would be that the kids would continue to live with SO, with my parents/other family helping out, and the visitation with ex's parents would stay the same, or possibly being a little more liberal.
I have a court order that says that in the event of my death, my 'share' of guardianship would pass on to my mom. My ex isn't a fit parent, so I needed to protect the kids just in case.
A notorized letter in the event of your death to keep the children from going to the custody of the other parent will not work at all. The other parent WILL get the children, unless someone proves the other parent unfit and takes them away in a CPS fashion basically. No court or police officer or otherwise will hold up a notorized letter. Now, if you are talking you and the other parent are both dead, the last one to die gets to chose where the children go. I think the last one to die has to outlive the other parent by a certain period of time.
Eugh. We've been sort of ignoring this, because we have no great options. Both DH's parents and mine are out (too old, not interested!); DH's one sibling is out for reasons of religious difference, plus the probability that she'll have a large number of her own kids and might not want/be able to afford ours as well; I have one sibling with a problematic spouse, another who lives on the other side of the world and is single to boot, another with special needs, and two who are still teenagers. We know one family who might be OK, but they're not relatives and are much stricter disciplinarians than we are... like I say, it's an "eugh" situation. :( In an emergency, the family I mentioned last knows we have them in mind, and I've mentioned it to my parents as well; but we don't have anything more official than that in place. I wonder if it'd count for anything, legally?
We are in the midwest (so pretty cheap compared to other areas) but we got our will and power of attorneys done for $375. Maybe you could work out a payment plan if you can't afford to pay all at once? Or if you do it yourself, maybe you can find a lawyer to read it over? Do you know any lawyers through church, friend's parents, etc who might cut you a break?
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At this point, our whole will is about the kids so I think yes, you do need a whole will. We sure don't have enough that we can leave anything to anyone else. It's all setting up a trust, naming guardians and trustees, etc. I was thinking of doing it myself but a friend talked me into going to a lawyer. It turned out that the dad of a girl on DD's soccer team does estate planning so we went and saw him. He brought up things that we would never have thought of and also did our medical power of attorneys.
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Smokering, is there any way some of the people on your list could share custody, so the kids would have a better situation? Grandparents might be able to handle school days, and an aunt/uncle to have the kids on weekends where they take a lot more energy?
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The reason we split is that he assaulted our son... at the time of the trial, he'd opted not to continue to participate in counseling with the kids after 3 sessions because it was 'too expensive' and the ONLY thing he'd done to rehabilitate himself was a condensed, 6 hour anger management class. He chose not to mail/email the kids despite being encouraged to by myself and the counselor. The judge asked him to suggest a schedule for seeing the kids, and he wouldn't make a commitment even as vague as "Once a month"... he wanted to be able to drop in when he happened to be in town. His only protest to having it put in the order was he wanted his parents added the same way in case he died. I disagreed with that, and my lawyer said there's no reason why I couldn't have sole guardianship, as I was a responsible parent. He didn't care enough to have a lawyer there (his family is loaded, he can afford one... and he had one for the all-important support$ /division of assets$ hearings) He didn't speak up and ask for anything to be explained, he didn't request time to think about anything, nothing... and it was done casually enough (specifically because he didn't have a lawyer) that he could have.
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If I got a notarized letter, it wouldn't be intended to over-ride the court order, but to support it. Mom could retain guardianship, and her and SO could share custody as they saw fit. There wouldn't be any need for them to take the kids from ex/his parents in a CPS fashion, because they wouldn't be in their custody in the first place. They could take my family to court and try and take the kids. The judge would be deciding between the kid remaining in the same home with an awesome stepdad, 5 minutes away from my parents who would provide all the help he needs, and all of whom would be supportive of the kids' maintaining contact with their birth fathers side of the family, OR moving 1 hour away from their home, to live with grandparents who would not let them see my side of the family at all, OR moving 4+ hours away to live with an abusive birth father who hasn't bothered to maintain contact with them for 4 years, wouldn't allow them to see my side of their family at all, and has no-one to help living near him. I know the court system can be messed up, but so far it's worked for me.
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Well yeah, I agree in theory. But we don't have dear family friends that our kids know and love (well, we do, but none that would be remotely suitable as guardians, or even interested in taking on that role). Friends like that don't just pop out of nowhere because we want to be responsible, you know? The top contender family we mentioned are nice, but they live in a different city to us, and DD only remembers meeting them once (DS, not at all, but he's a newborn!). So if we "bequeathed" the kids to them, they'd not only lose their parents, but be separated from all the aunts and grandparents in our city. Which is also the main issue with my sister who lives in England - she's keen to take them, but dragging them halfway around the world after they just lost their parents doesn't seem fair. (Also, I don't know that she'd be able to support them financially... and she's kind of crazy. So there's that...)
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Ehhh... dunno. My parents homeschooled us, and would probably feel obliged to homeschool our kids too, because they know we plan to do it; so school days wouldn't really be low-maintenance! And even if they did put them in school, that's a lot of driving around, and Dad's getting older and really shouldn't be on the roads any more. Which brings up another issue - Dad's 64 (er, ish?), and may not even live to see my youngest sister reach adulthood. It doesn't seem fair to put our kids in a situation where they might lose two father-figures. Anyway, it's all moot, as Mum has tactfully informed us they don't really want to raise our progeny if we die. :p They adore them, but they've raised six kids already, they're getting old and tired, and it just isn't a fair burden to place on them. I can actually see Mum changing her mind about it if we did die, but I can't exactly count on that. :p
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I do have one little sister who'd be awesome - she's only 15, but in a few years she'd be all growed up and more than capable of looking after them very well. But that doesn't seem fair on her - plunking two kids on a (presumably) single 18- or 20-year-old? Not to get all Jane Austen, but it might ruin her chances at matrimony. :p Not to mention limiting her choice of career and so on. What if she wanted to backpack across Europe for a year?
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Well yeah, I agree in theory. But we don't have dear family friends that our kids know and love (well, we do, but none that would be remotely suitable as guardians, or even interested in taking on that role). Friends like that don't just pop out of nowhere because we want to be responsible, you know?
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First of all... I seem like I have my act together? Heh. Cool. Yeah, not so much. Maybe all MDCers should be required to put photos of their living rooms in their avatars, to prevent such misconceptions! :p
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Our friend list isn't that long, sadly. Between us, DH and I have approximately four close friends; all of whom are single, none of whom share our religious beliefs (which is pretty much non-negotiable for us in terms of custody), two of whom are male (which I guess shouldn't automatically discount them, but I'd rather give my kids to a woman, or preferably a couple), one of whom is frankly irresponsible, three of whom aren't financially stable, and one of whom doesn't like kids. They're just not suitable. I'm sure they'd all be flattered to be asked, but that doesn't mean we should ask them. If it weren't for the religious issue, the financial thing and the fact that she's single, one of them might be OK (and I think she'd be willing, she's joked about it), but those aren't minor considerations for us - at least not the religion thing. And she currently lives with her parents, who probably wouldn't be thrilled to have two young children show up...
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Of the suitably-aged families we know who do share our religious views, there are no AP families. The family we currently have as our top contender (or default, if you like) is probably the most AP, but they're still vastly stricter and more structured than we are. They would undoubtedly vax our kids and send them to school, which aren't absolute dealbreakers, but not ideal from our POV either. They're still our top choice - they're open to adoption, have a few lovely kids of their own, and would be very responsible parents (and bring up our kids bilingual, which is pretty neat!); and obviously they're a better choice than rolling the dice with the foster care system. But they're still a provisional, if no-one-more-suitable-turns-up choice, because I'd much rather our kids ended up with a family in the same city as our families, with an AP mindset, and (in an ideal world) homeschooled.
Crunchy, I think you do need a will, and like another PP said, it's about $1000 USD. If you can't afford it, maybe try contacting a law school for reduced-fee/free legal clinics in your area, or start networking (here, on FB) and see if a friend of a friend knows someone who is an attorney and would draft a simple one for you pro bono.
We just got this started. Our attorney offers the initial consultation (1-1.5 hours) free and his services are $250/hour after that. The will is $1000 to start with, so I think it's just the hourly rate for any updates later, which really shouldn't take much of his time unless you get complicated and fancy. (If you do have more complex needs, spend the extra few hundred up front and get a trust. With that, you'll have a will that basically points to the trust for most of the details. We didn't do this, b/c we don't have a lot of money and only one kid, but the attorney said if there are inheritances expected at some point, do a trust.)
