Easiest/cheapest way to assign a legal guardian? - Page 2

[mandalamama]

i've been struggling with this issue, it's really difficult without legal help. i think (in my state at least) a living will (or advance directive) will cover any situation where i might become incapacitated, like a car accident or heart attack. but i'm pretty sure i need to have a will and name an executor for when i die, someone who will raise my daughter. i really, really should do this and get it over with, not put it off any longer. i've tried to call the free legal hotline in my state, it's only had a message saying "due to heavy call load, call back another time" for 4 years now! i don't know anyone in the legal profession i could ask for free advice. i've looked at a lot of the "free" online will makers, they seem pretty much the same form letters, i have no idea if they have a history of being effective.

deciding who would become the guardian of my girl is the hardest part. my family was tiny and distant and so many have passed on, i have no family contacts at all. my ex-husband's family is pretty big, but i only know his mom and his two sisters well enough to say that they would be fit parents for my girl. i think i need to set her grandma as my executor and let the family decide at the time it happens? i'm torn ... one of her aunts has two girls close in age to my girl (and may have another child? i don't know) and the other sister has no children (as far as i know) and i think she really wants a child. either would be good to raise my girl if i die. then again, they may not want anything to do with her. i've invited contact repeatedly, to no avail. my ex did tell me he's the black sheep of his entire family, i didn't believe him at the time but it's so true! it's been hard to get any kind of contact going, even email. the last contact we had was when Grammy came to visit last January, said she'd come visit again, but we never heard from her again. it's like, because of her dad being the black sheep, it rubs off on his daughter? i don't get that. i wish i knew a way to make things better.

anyway, i know i need to call Grammy and talk to her about this, get her daughters' numbers and talk to them also, but at this point i fear they'd just say they don't want anything to do with raising my girl in the event of my incapacitation or death. ugh, it's terrible to even have to say that! it's like, she's been punished for years for their dislike of me and the actions of her dad. no fair!

i have friends, but they're either single and don't want children, or already have kids of their own and have very tight-knit families. we've been blessed to be invited to share in their family celebrations. i think one of my friends might be willing to raise my girl, if i asked her, but since she's not a legal relation i don't think she would have her for very long. then again, i could be wrong, the family may want nothing to do with my little girl. (hurts just thinking about it.)

my biggest fear, and why i keep putting this off - i think no matter what i say, no matter how formal a document is, my ex-husband would get custody. even if his family said they were willing to raise my girl, there's the chance they'd just hand her over to him. i can't let that happen! he physically harmed my girl at 15 months, he sexually abused her when she was 3, it took until this year to finally have the court settle on "no custody, no visitation unless the child and the child's therapist initiate 'supervised therapeutic visitation' only." all those papers will need to be on top of everything else, obviously. but then i have no idea if anyone would abide by what they say. i definitely need an executor! also someone with power of attorney for the living will.

i wonder, are the free online wills, the ones that go by your state, good enough? "you get what you pay for" is what i'm afraid of.

have any of you ever had to call a "distant" relative and ask them the tough question of whether they're willing to raise your child in the event of your death? has anyone been turned down?

[mandalamama]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

A notorized letter in the event of your death to keep the children from going to the custody of the other parent will not work at all. The other parent WILL get the children, unless someone proves the other parent unfit and takes them away in a CPS fashion basically. No court or police officer or otherwise will hold up a notorized letter. Now, if you are talking you and the other parent are both dead, the last one to die gets to chose where the children go. I think the last one to die has to outlive the other parent by a certain period of time.

what about a properly signed and witnessed living will, or last will? do they always default to the other parent? i don't have anything stating my ex is "unfit," i just have a lot of different documents saying he can't have custody or visitation, even supervised. (and no suspension of parental rights, since the state is still trying to get him to pay back and current child support.) i wonder if a proper legal document will be valid over state lines, or is the child covered by her own jurisdiction when the parent(s) die?

[philomom]

Originally Posted by mandalamama 

what about a properly signed and witnessed living will, or last will? do they always default to the other parent?

A living will is more of a health care thing. it has nothing to do with your children or property. It gives a friend or loved one the power to make your health care decisions if you are incapacitated.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Living_will


And yes, any bio-parent still tops the list in the states unless they are serving jail time. A bio-grandparent is second on that list. I have a friend who has been a court clerk for many years... and that is what she says. She's seen kids returned to a parent they didn't even know. Kinda sad, but that's the current system.

So yes, you could go through the expense of making up a real will with a guardian, but your daughter might still be returned to your ex.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by philomom 



Hmm, no one at all? You always seem online like you have your act together.. I'm really surprised that you would say this. Maybe you and the spouse should check your friend list a little better. For us, it came down to just a small number of core values...even if they had to re-locate the kids eventually.

So...those of us who are lacking in close friendships are, like, total losers or something? I was actually feeling kind of down on myself about this, too, but then I saw that some of the other moms in my unschooling email list are in the same boat as me.

I DO see the importance of not just leaving all this to chance...but I'm finding myself hardput on how to grow that community of even a few people. I sure am working on it.
 

[Mummoth]

One thing I found I had to accept (before SO was in the picture... and even now to an extent... I parent differently with him than without, I'm sure he would too!) was that NO-ONE would raise my kids the same way as I am... but my parents and my sisters... any decisions they'd make for the kids would be motivated by wanting the best for them. Kids are raised all sorts of different ways, and still grow up to be happy, well adjusted, productive people... that's the goal, right? Their lives are going to be different without me, the main thing is that they still feel loved and safe and supported. It's just really hard to admit they might be okay without us, I think. 

[philomom]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama 

So...those of us who are lacking in close friendships are, like, total losers or something?

I wasn't trying to be hurtful. And my family of origin and my in-law family have some real black sheep.... so my hubby and I have made it a priority to "make new family" even if they aren't blood relations. My life would be a desert without my friendships.

Anyway, I ran a new mother's support group for many years and I did have a local lawyer come in and do his spiel about family estate planning twice a year because I do believe this to be of the utmost importance.

And I forget who... but there is an MDC mom who was placed in foster care to finish growing up because her parents failed to take care of this little detail. She has a big soapbox about it and is quite bitter. Do you really want that for your kids?

[swd12422]

Mammal_mama, I'm right there with you. We have few close friends and even fewer family members we'd be wild about raising DS. In the end, we chose the people who would love him and care for him the most, which ironically are also people who have WAY different values than we do when it comes to things like healthy eating, natural living, minimal toys/TV, open-ended play, etc. But they are the people who would truly love him, make sure he got through school, make sure he felt loved and supported, and make sure he grows up to be a well-mannered, kind human being (who might use lots of disposable paper products, but hey, he won't be perfect if I get to finish raising him either!). I let go of the religious thing. It's just not as important to me as him being raised with love, acceptance, and good values. He will get those regardless of the guardian family's religion b/c I chose someone who has good values.

It was a hard decision, as everyone we thought about had SOMETHING that wasn't quite right. In the end, we just considered the broader, bigger picture. Who will make sure he grows up to be self-supportive? Who will love him the most? Who has the most supportive home/family environment? The rest (environmental consciousness, healthy eating, exercise, etc.) will be in a letter to him. And you can include letters to the guardian family about your hopes for your child(ren) and how you want to raise them (i.e., if eating organic or vegan is important to you). It is NOT enforceable by the court, but if you provide this kind of information in a letter that accompanies the will, they will see it, and with any luck, at least try to incorporate those values into their raising of your child. (And I guess that's another thing to consider: Who will look at the letter and at least try to do the things you outline in there?)

PS - My letter to him started when he came home to us. I am not a scrapbooking type, but wanted a record of his babyhood since he was adopted, and ended up writing a serial letter to him, telling him all about whatever phase he was in at the time, how we felt, what was going on in his life. At some point, I realized that if something does happen to us, he will still have stories about what he was like when he was a baby.

[mammal_mama]

SWD, thank you for sharing! You have some great ideas, and I agree that the family doesn't have to perfectly mirror our lifestyle; the important thing is love.

As well as not wanting foster care, I also wouldn't want my children to be split up.

I'm afraid that for us, even coming up with the cheap amount of a few hundred dollars is overwhelming at this time. But we do get a large tax return every year; we simly have to make it a priority this coming February to get it all done.

[swd12422]

I'm glad you found that helpful. It has been REALLY hard for me to get to that place. (We have been waffling about this for nearly 2 years!) All anyone kept saying was, "Don't worry about that. You'll be dead, and it won't matter." Well, no, I won't know he's being raised on sugar cereal in front of violent and inappropriate TV, but HE will! But it did help me choose which battles to fight and which to let go.

I would definitely seek legal aid, and contact as many attorneys' offices as you can. I would hope this is still true, but someone once told me that doctors and lawyers generally keep a certain percentage of their practices pro bono/reduced rate as a community service type of thing. And I think they can claim the "free" time they offer on taxes, so I'd hope there are still good ones out there doing that. It can't hurt to ask. This is important enough that SOMEBODY should be able to help you, offer you free services, or at least a payment plan so it doesn't have to wait.

And the part about the kids staying together: make sure whoever you choose is willing/able to take them all! Talk to them beforehand and have two backups in line also.

[crunchy_mommy]

One more question, how does anyone know that you've created a will & how to access it??? Is that something the lawyer handles (is there a state 'will registry' or something???) Sorry if that sounds dumb, I just can't figure out how someone would access it (or even remember the name of our lawyer if we told them in advance) in the event of our death???

And if I include a letter, can I update it as necessary? Will the lawyer be used to a letter being included with the will?

[swd12422]

I think the will gets registered with the state (it becomes a public record). That's part of why it costs $1000 to get a will -- the lawyer files all kinds of paperwork with the court to get it on record. I believe you will have a copy of it to either provide copies for your family members or to just keep (in a safe place) until the time comes. My parents have theirs in a safe deposit box, and I have access to it, so if something happens to both of them I can go and get it out. It's probably enough just to have a file in a desk drawer or something that's obvious, so that if something happens, your family can find it easily. And even if they can't, the court will have it on record.

[muldey]

I've been thinking about this for a while now.I'm so afraid if something happens to me,dd and ds will go to my exh.He's currently in prison for not paying child support,and is a homeless severe violent alcoholic.He's never been violent with our kids,but he's been violent in front of them and that is almost as bad.If he goes to rehab and is succesful,and gets a job and an apartment,and maintains that for quite a while,it would be different.I want my parents to share custody.The kids don't know exh's side very well.

My best friend needs to make a will ASAP.She has severe heart problems,she almost died a couple of weeks ago.She doesn't want her dd to go to her father,who she doesn't know and is a crack addict,her parents have passed away,and her sisters don't bother with her.The father's parents have passed as well.She wants her to go to me.But since we're not blood relatives,I don't know how that would work.She's terrified of her going into foster care and never seeing any of us again,and the thought terrifies me as well.My parents have adopted her like their own grandchild.All she has is her mama's friends.She's very close to me and my kids(I'm her auntie and my kids are her cousins for all she knows),and my bf knows she would be raised as my own child.I would put my bf as 2nd gaurdian after my own parents,but with all her health issues,and the fact that she just could not afford it in any way,plus she has a hard time dealing with ds's autism,I really can't.But I know if she could,she would love them and care for them like her own.

I'm also trying to get my dad to make a will,he doesn't have much,and I am his only child so I'm sure it would all go to me,but I'm worried about the house.He wants me to use his insurance to pay it off so I have a place to live,I live here now so I think the courts would take that into consideration,but you never know.My mom has very little,no car,no house,and very little material things,so she's not too worried about it.I'm her only child,so I would take care of everything.It scares me so much to think of making a will and my parents and best friend making a will,as I don't want anything to happen,but unfortunatly things do.I wish I had a brother or sister to help out,but I'm on my own.Hopefully it won't be for a very long time.

[goldenwillow]

Oh thank you ladies, very helpful. 

I am grateful to have read through this thread as this has been on our minds for quite some time.  We too have struggled with WHO will be the best fit and would have our kiddos best interest in their hearts. 

Called around today... man these folks are expensive!  Money well spent, nonetheless.  Scheduled a consultation to go chit chat. 

In your experiences with this...  Did you forget or leave out something that was really important to you?  Gosh... I was just nervous talking on the phone about it, KWIM? 

We have spoke about appointing my husband's mother and a dear friend (single) whom has a child already as well as dear friends (married) that have 3 kiddos already.  They are the only folks that I would never imagine crushing my kiddos spirit.  I am in the same boat as a few other mamas here about some family members being an unsuitable fit. 

I appreciate the idea of a letter written by us to the potential guardians regarding wishes about food choices, non-vax, school issues, etc. 

Gotta be done.  Thank you again for the helpful hints and details.