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You don't always know the whole situation

post #1 of 40
Thread Starter 

I am the legal guardian of a 5 month old boy. My cousin, who was like a brother to me, and his wife died when their son was one month old. It has been hard, being 26 and single and suddenly being responsible for a baby, but I love him like he is my own.


Sometime last night my next door neighbor took some pages from this forum about why crying it out hurts babies and taped them to my front door and also left them in my mailbox and under the wipers of my car. She left a note on them saying that she has been a member of mothering.com for years and had highlighted some specific parts that she thought would help me because "if I take the road of selfish, lazy parenting just because I am young and self-centered and chose to have a child without a father in the picture it is NEGLECT" (her exact words)


My baby has colic. He cries all the time but I NEVER leave him alone, I ALWAYS hold him and try to calm him. I don't leave him to cry it out. I do NOT neglect him. I get that our houses are close together and that it is summer and your windows are open so you may hear him crying sometimes, but you have no right to make assumptions about me being selfish or lazy or having a child with a random guy who is not involved or otherwise neglecting my baby. You have no idea what my life is like. I just want to remind everyone that things are not always as they appear and you don't always know the whole situation of what goes on other in people's lives and homes.

post #2 of 40

ouch. That was pretty rude of the lady/guy. If I knew who it was I would probably crumple the papers and toss it in their yard like on the burbs.


As for the colic, can you buy gripe water? It helps settle and calm the tummy (it's basically diluted baking soda andwater) or baby could be allergic to milk. Allimentum in the purple cans is predigested and easier on the tummy. How is the stools? Seems like a milk allergy can cause constipation. Sorry if you already have your answer

post #3 of 40
Ouch. You neighbor sucks. What a mean, passive aggressive way to try to share information with someone. If she had really wanted to help you, and had really been concerned, I would think she should have offered to watch your baby for a while to give you a break.

I'm really sorry for the loss of your cousin. I know there are mom's here who have dealt with a colicky baby, and I most of the time people dont jump to conclusions like your neighbor did.

I didnt know colic could last that long. It must be extremely exhausting. Have you read (you know, in all that spare time you have to read right now smile.gif ) The Happiest Baby on the Block ? I found it to be really helpful when Ada was little because she needed to be swaddled, rocked, suckling on something, and with white noise in the background in order to not cry at night time.

Anyway, Im sorry your neighbor was so mean, I hope you stick around because their actually is some great advice here. smile.gif

post #4 of 40
I love that we both started our replies with "ouch" and we posted at the same time.

Ouch is so exactly how it would feel to have someone do that. I might march right over to her house if it were me, but Im kinda trashy like that.
post #5 of 40

Oh wow! I'm sorry someone was so judgmental with you! Was this done anonymously? That's pretty cowardly, too. I mean, you're neighbours...  she could have reached out to you... she could have left a note introducing herself as another parent who lives close by, and invited you to tea! Some babies cry a lot and there's nothing you can really do about it. My son cried all evening, every evening *in my arms* for a long time... he didn't have colic, he was just airing his concerns. And you DO have to put them down sometimes, even when they're crying... you have to eat, use the bathroom, brush your teeth... it's not neglect to take a few minutes here and there to take care of yourself, regardless of the babies' mood at the time. I'm sorry for your loss... it sounds like you are doing your best to take good care of the baby. You are absolutely right, we don't know what other people's lives are like... but almost everyone is doing the best they can, and most of us would accept support a  lot more readily than criticism. I hope you don't encounter people like that very often in the future.

post #6 of 40

Wow, seriously?? I can't believe anyone could be so judgmental and unkind. :(


I'm sorry that's how you found your way to this forum, but I hope you'll consider sticking around anyway. Most people here are very supportive and helpful.


I'm so sorry about your cousin & his wife. hug2.gif

post #7 of 40

Your neighbor really does suck.  I can't believe anyone would be that insensitive.  I am sorry that someone from this community was so lacking in morals and decency.  You are doing such a wonderful thing by taking responsibility for your cousin's child.  Being a parent is a big adjustment.  At least with pregnancy you get several months to prepare.  You got grief and a child thrown at you all at once.  I hope you have more supportive neighbors to lean on and not just the one horrible one.

post #8 of 40

post under the "tribe" section---maybe it will be seen by the correct person------it should be---IMO

post #9 of 40

Yikes, that's cold. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. :/ Have you confronted her about it? If I were you I'd be extremely tempted to give that woman a piece of my mind!


I second the recommendation for The Happiest Baby on the Block, if you can get hold of it. I'm swaddling my current baby far more than my previous one, and he's way calmer and sleeps for longer stretches - OK, it's probably partly a temperament thing, but I do notice a difference between his swaddled and non-swaddled days. Although, thinking about it, your baby might be a wee bit old for that? Depends on the baby, I guess!


I can't imagine how hard it must be to suddenly have a newborn with no warning, and losing family on top of that. :( Sounds like the baby is lucky to have you! I hope things get easier.

post #10 of 40
Originally Posted by Snowflake777 View Post

Wow, seriously?? I can't believe anyone could be so judgmental and unkind. :(

I can, people on MDC used to tell posters to just "print out these pages and give them to blah blah blah....maybe they will see the errors of their flawed and horrible parenting".  MDC is like that.


However, OP, I'm really sorry.  Thats really hard.  Have you checked into reflux though?  It can be very painful, and silent.  If you have, and thats not it, just know that it will come to an end, and your baby will not cry like this forever.

post #11 of 40

I'm so sorry! Maybe you should invite your neighbor over to "help". :)

post #12 of 40
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

I can, people on MDC used to tell posters to just "print out these pages and give them to blah blah blah....maybe they will see the errors of their flawed and horrible parenting".  MDC is like that.


Yup.  Not at ALL surprised.  This is a pretty typical MO of some of the MDC members.  I've stood up against suggestions of 'confrontations' and have always been ignored or dismissed. I've seen so many threads about 'i saw a woman doing x,y,z with her baby' (x,y,z including babies crying, mothers not using a baby carrier that MDCs approve of, breastfeeding, or fully legal but 'not rear facing until they're 30 car seat use) and I've often wondered about the poor mother on the receiving end.  Hopefully this persons posts make a few people think about their self righteous attitudes.


eta: and I hope nobody misses the point of the OP.  She didn't come here to ask for advice, she's making a statement about misplaced judgement and giving YOU advice.


To the OP: MDC is a huge community and there are a few bad apples but for the most part its a nice place to hang out if you ever find yourself frustrated with the colic. :)

post #13 of 40

Wow, that's rude! Do you know who did it, or was it totally anonymous? 


If the poster who did it reads this thread, I hope she'll go and apologize. 


ETA, the bit about parenting without a father in the picture is really vomit worthy. I CAN believe some people are like this, because as a solo mother I have heard stuff along these lines too, but it just, really, wrong. 

post #14 of 40

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. My baby had colic until 5 months and it was awful. I can't imagine dealing with that and grieving the losses that you are as well. MDC (and the AP community in general) can be very judgmental. Try not to let it get to you. You're doing a great job! 

post #15 of 40

I am so sorry. :(  That is a horrible horrible thing your neighbor did. :(


I wonder if some of this colic is actually just the baby grieving the loss of the parents?  We adopted a baby girl at 4 months old, and she had a huge long grieving period, mixed with reflux issues, that caused her to cry 20 hours a day for weeks.  It was a really excrutiatingly hard time, but one day, she just stopped crying and slowly began to find her new normal.  I hope your little one is able to do that as well.

post #16 of 40
My older baby had a long colic period too, and to go through that plus deal with grief, and do it alone, must be hard. I'm sorry you're having to deal with so much, and on top of that get unsolicited unnecessary advice. I'm afraid unsolicited advice is a part of parenting though, and it won't stop. greensad.gif
post #17 of 40

My DD cried ALL THE TIME and my DS SCREETCHES at bedtime -- at we bed share and all the other crunchy stuff. I live in an urban area and I'm sure everyone hears my baby cry but hey that's life..motherhood can't be all smiles and coos : ) That person is just a jerk IMO and I hope they read this and realize that. 

post #18 of 40

I am so sorry someone did that to you!  Crying babies stress out everyone.  It sounds like your (let's just call him son, because that's what he'll grow up to feel like) is also stressing out your neighbor.  The easy road is for her to rush to judgment, reacting with anger and superiority.  How much nicer it would've been, if she'd remembered that the crying baby stressing her out probably stresses you out a lot more!  


When I was a young, single mother of Autistic twins, when my next-door neighbor thought she heard havoc at our house, she'd come over to be supportive.  Sometimes it was just the kids playing loudly and she'd laugh with me about what they were doing.  But on occasion she found me frustrated and crying and would be ready with a big hug and make me a cup of tea.  I think God's intention is for us to try to be that sort of neighbor to each other, not the finger-wagging kind.  


I hope your neighbor reads this and decides to change her approach to your crying baby.  It sounds like you could use a hug and a cup of tea, too!  And helping you to stay calm, making sure you feel cared about and supported, would be a much better way to help your baby, if she's truly concerned about him.  Would you give her a second chance, if she tried?


Despite your poor introduction to Mothering.com, I hope you stick around.  I think you'll find that the vast majority of moms on here are supportive of each other, open-minded, and have a wide variety of good ideas about how to handle all the ups and downs of raising kids - regardless how you landed the job!

post #19 of 40

My kids scream too. My daughter will scream bloody murder over the great injustice of being calmly told that she's not allowed to swing from the light fitting, or eat a jar of jam for dinner.


If my neighbours were the type to jump to conclusions based on the noise level, they'd probably assume I was beating her.

post #20 of 40

grouphug.gif So sorry for your loss. It sounds like your neighbor needs a lesson on humbling.


My DD had intestinal issues and was "colic" screaming 2-6hrs a day or so until she was 10 m/o. It was hell on earth. I had someone say they almost called the cops on me b/c they didn't know what the heck was going on with my baby. I always held her, she had a boob in her mouth 23 of 24hrs, I wore her, I did skin to skin, you name it I did it...nothing stopped the crying. I really honestly feel for you b/c I know how hard a screaming baby can be. I can not imagine going through all of this and the loss of your cousin and her husband right now.grouphug.gif

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