You don't always know the whole situation - Page 2

[velochic]

Wow!  That's a lot to deal with and then to have this nosy Nancy butting in is like salt in the wounds.  I'm sorry for your loss and the difficulty dealing with a whole new family situation.  Do you have any support system at all?

The part that irks me about this woman is that she's nosy enough to tell you what-for about your baby crying, but not interested enough to notice that you were never pregnant and then all of the sudden have this infant.  Decent people would have simply asked if you need help knowing that something serious had happened for you to suddenly have an infant to look after.  For someone like that, though, I doubt she'd even hear you if you tried to talk to her because she's too self-absorbed.  I hope she reads this thread and feels as ashamed as she should.  And I hope you stick around.  Not everybody at MDC is like that.

[Marsupialmom]

Going to show my age.......before the net we had neighbors in military housing called on because of a colicky baby.  The caller was just not a nice person and tried to clam she was neglectful.  

Again going to show my age ....  There was an "I love Lucy" were the mean neighbor was threating to have Lucy evicted because baby Richie cried at night.  Unfortunately, it looks like you are dealing with one of those judgemental people that they have written TV comedies about.  Hate to tell you this, no matter how good of a parent you are, you will always have one someone judging you.  You will need to develop duck feathers to let it roll off your back.  Remember mean people will always do the meanest things to hurt you.  And that is what that person has done.  They have tried to make you feel like a horrible parent, and some how not having a crying baby will make you a good parent.  A good parent does not mean that their child won't cry.  

I am truly sorry that these things were posted on your door.  I have always seen it here that unattended and crying it out on purpose is neglectful.  This neighbor just assume a lot about you, that says more about you than her. 

Also, please remember people can find anything they want on the net.  You judge a hole community of people by a few printings of selected post.  However, that is doing the same as what your neighbor has done. My mom sent me pretty horrible stuff because I refused to circ my child.  She found every one sided article you could have.  You do not know if that person is a member of this community or just someone who did a google search and is mean. 

I am really sorry for you loss.  I wish I had a magic to help you calm that colicky baby, but there is not a magic cure but a lot of advice on what to try.  

[Adaline'sMama]

IDK, MarsupialMom (cant quote) in the OP it says that the woman said that she had been a member for years. She could have been lying, but it doesnt seem out of the realm of possibilities that a woman who is super anti cio would be a member here (or someone that doesnt bother to ask questions for that matter).
OP, as a previous poster suggested, I would repost this in the Finding Your Tribe section under the state that you live in and hope that she will see it and realize the error in her ways. One thing that really irks me is that she refers to you as a "young mother who had chose to have a child without a father." Umm...to most people 26 is not really "young" to have a first child. The national average in North America is 27. And it assumes that the mother is responsible if the deadbeat dad just leaves her. How annoying.

[Alenushka]

I want to tell you that you are an amazing woman.  What you are doing is kind and compassionate and your cousin using was very lucky to have you in his life. Please, disregard this sanctimonious b-ch who happens to be your neigbrous. I feel sorry for her kids.

Babies cry. It is fact of life. She probably had easy babies so, to her, that is a reality of life. But not all babies are easy. Some babies have colic i and they cry. Perhaps your baby is even missing his parents on some level.  so, babies cry, and they they grow up and turn out just fine.

With my kids I found that spending a lot of time outdoor helped more than the gripe water, slings or any other standard AP advice.  They both slept like angels in, oh horrors, their stroller the park under the a tree on the beach to the sound of surf under a umbrella.   I would rock the stroller and read a book while they slept.  They rested, I rested, we all felt better once we got home.  My Russian mother used to say "fresh air make babies sleep better"

Another thing is there the "witching hour".  Many babies are cranky for 1-3 hours in the evening. Right about dinner time  (-:    I think this is how they let go of steam. They little brain is working overtime learning new things but they have no way to express it.

You are with your baby, you love your baby and you take care of your baby. That's all that count, not the ridiculous standard of this horrible woman next door.

[rightkindofme]

Holy cow I am so sorry you were rudely told off. I'm sorry that you came here and had a bunch of people tell you what to do. You are doing the best you can and I am sure you can look for answers if you need them. I like it here, but not everyone does. Good luck.

[earthworm]

Whoa. Sorry you had to deal with that! Sounds like you are doing your best which is hard enough without people being jerks.

I'm not even sure what kind of positive effect that letter would have even if you were using CIO! All I would get out of it is that my neighbor is awful.
Wishing you two the best :)

[CrunchyMama19]

Oh Mama I am SO SORRY that you are going through this.

Firstly, I recommend that you print out the kind responses here and tape them to HER windshield (if you know who it was).

Secondly, is there a local mommies group where you are? You could get some support, help or commiseration with other moms in your area. Many churches also have mom's groups too. I find it so helpful to just talk about my struggles with other mom's to know I'm not alone in the struggles of mommy-hood. I don't know the area you are in but if you are in Northern Colorado please feel free to PM me or something and we can chat or whatever.

As far as colic goes that is a tough one. My neighbor's baby and my BIL's baby has colic and they scream at all hours even with being held, co-sleeping, ect. One thing that helped my niece was getting a prescription formula. It was very expensive but it helped her immensely since she simply couldn't process much protein. Insurance may cover it anyway but I am not sure what your situation is but it may be something to look into.

PLEASE know that not every parent thinks this things about you and you are doing a wonderful job and that baby is BLESSED to have such a loving guardian.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by CrunchyMama19 

Firstly, I recommend that you print out the kind responses here and tape them to HER windshield (if you know who it was).

I'm not sure you should actually do this, but it's a very witty idea!  Heck, maybe you SHOULD!  

[cumulus]

  Hi:   I would like to point out that whatever

the woman said, it was out of concern for

the child; not communicated well at all but

it sounds like she was acting for the child

and I think that might be a thing to consider. 

   I wonder if you fell while alone with your baby

and hit your head and you were unconscious

if that woman might not be the first to call

an emergency number or to force her way though

your door when there was no response from you.

   I get upset with all the people who just want

children to disappear or shutup like maybe your

other neighbors are feeling. Yes, I agree with 

everybody that she acted poorly but maybe it's

also true that she's acting for your child, that

maybe she's an ally.

[Adaline'sMama]

Cumulus,
Did you do it?


OP,
I totally think you should print out this whole thread and tape it to her door. That is, if you are still here reading. I hope you will come back to see that not everyone is like her.

[AllyRae]

That's what I was wondering too.  
 

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

Cumulus,
Did you do it?

 

It really doesn't matter if this passive aggressive BS was an attempt at looking out for the child.  If the person was actually concerned, she should have offered to bring a meal and help with the baby.

[SparkleHummus]

Originally Posted by cumulus 

  Hi:   I would like to point out that whatever

the woman said, it was out of concern for

the child; not communicated well at all but

it sounds like she was acting for the child

and I think that might be a thing to consider. 

   I wonder if you fell while alone with your baby

and hit your head and you were unconscious

if that woman might not be the first to call

an emergency number or to force her way though

your door when there was no response from you.

   I get upset with all the people who just want

children to disappear or shutup like maybe your

other neighbors are feeling. Yes, I agree with 

everybody that she acted poorly but maybe it's

also true that she's acting for your child, that

maybe she's an ally.

I'm sorry that happened OP.   Her actions show a distinct lack of decorum and it doesn't feel like a genuine offer of support to me.

[pigpokey]

Thank you for joining our community.  Thank you for parenting that child.  Thank you for reminding us that we do not walk in someone else's shoes.

[Linda on the move]

I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of people that you loved, who deeply trusted you. I wish you peace and joy in raising their sweet child.

One of my kids was a very easy baby, and my other child screamed for months no matter what I did. I hope that this phase passes quickly for the baby you are raising. I found it exhausting and draining.

Peace

[Megan73]

Originally Posted by cumulus 

  Hi:   I would like to point out that whatever

the woman said, it was out of concern for

the child; not communicated well at all but

it sounds like she was acting for the child

and I think that might be a thing to consider. 

   I wonder if you fell while alone with your baby

and hit your head and you were unconscious

if that woman might not be the first to call

an emergency number or to force her way though

your door when there was no response from you.

   I get upset with all the people who just want

children to disappear or shutup like maybe your

other neighbors are feeling. Yes, I agree with 

everybody that she acted poorly but maybe it's

also true that she's acting for your child, that

maybe she's an ally.

Seriously? Telling the OP that she's selfish, lazy and self-centred and neglecting her baby is the action of an ally?
OP, your dear baby is lucky to have you. I know what it's like to feel judged for your baby's unhappiness. My first son howled much of his waking moments until about six months not matter WHAT we did.
It WILL pass. In the meantime, you're doing an amazing job.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by BrennC She left a note on them saying that she has been a member of mothering.com for years and had highlighted some specific parts that she thought would help me because "if I take the road of selfish, lazy parenting just because I am young and self-centered and chose to have a child without a father in the picture it is NEGLECT" (her exact words)

Wow, that's incredible.  I would be infuriated if this happened to me.

I just want to remind everyone that things are not always as they appear and you don't always know the whole situation of what goes on other in people's lives and homes.

Yes, thanks for the general reminder here.  I hope you will also address your neighbor directly. 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your cousin and his wife.

[hildare]

what-a-jerk!  if we'd had neighbors, they would have thought dd was CIO 24 x 7, too.  she was a screamy scream screamer. 

what a lot you've been through.  i hope you stick around.  we're not all jerky.  good luck to you, mama.

[Kedrosami]

I couldn't read this and not respond.

OP, I am so angry on your behalf! You are doing an amazing thing and your baby is so blessed to have you! My first response to your neighbor's actions was "omg! f**k her!!" Don't let her bring you down. I hope you clue her in somehow and that she feels as big a jerk as she is. Most people on MDC (and really, most *people* period) are not nasty like that!

As for his colic, when I was a baby I had colic too. My mom says the only thing that would get me to stop crying was a walk in the woods, that I'd stare up at the trees and calm down. So whoever suggested time outdoors, I second that--it's worth a try! At any rate I hope he feels better and gives you a break from the crying very soon. A crying baby is so stressful. It really will pass. Keep doing what you are doing!

I hope you stick around here!

[swd12422]

First of all, I'm so so sorry you're even in this situation, and you are totally my (and the baby's) heroine for stepping up like you are.

It sucks that your neighbor was so rude and judgmental, but on the positive side of this, you have two good things that came out of this:

1. People suck. Just kidding, but really -- you are facing a tough road, and you sound like you're plenty strong to handle it. Which means that down the road, when you see a new/young mom struggling, you're even more apt to kindly offer assistance and support than to have the attitude of, "Well, look at all *I* went through and I survived. Why can't SHE manage?" And so are the rest of us who have read this thread. I know I won't forget it very soon.

2. You found MDC, and a support network that you might find you need in the future. (For starters, I'm pretty sure someone here posted about giving her baby probiotics to help cure/treat colic... Something I've never seen/heard of anywhere else, not that I looked all that hard....) I hope you don't think we are all so judgy and mean. Only some of us are! ;-)

Hang in there. You are doing a great thing. Don't let the lazy assumptions of others bring you down.

[LROM]

Original poster, I think you should print out this reply below and put it on your neighbor's door, car, and wherever else they put their note to you!   That is NO way to be neighborly or supportive, and I totally agree that no one can know the situation and just blindly judge.
 

Originally Posted by Jeannine 

I am so sorry someone did that to you!  Crying babies stress out everyone.  It sounds like your (let's just call him son, because that's what he'll grow up to feel like) is also stressing out your neighbor.  The easy road is for her to rush to judgment, reacting with anger and superiority.  How much nicer it would've been, if she'd remembered that the crying baby stressing her out probably stresses you out a lot more!  

When I was a young, single mother of Autistic twins, when my next-door neighbor thought she heard havoc at our house, she'd come over to be supportive.  Sometimes it was just the kids playing loudly and she'd laugh with me about what they were doing.  But on occasion she found me frustrated and crying and would be ready with a big hug and make me a cup of tea.  I think God's intention is for us to try to be that sort of neighbor to each other, not the finger-wagging kind.  

I hope your neighbor reads this and decides to change her approach to your crying baby.  It sounds like you could use a hug and a cup of tea, too!  And helping you to stay calm, making sure you feel cared about and supported, would be a much better way to help your baby, if she's truly concerned about him.  Would you give her a second chance, if she tried?

Despite your poor introduction to Mothering.com, I hope you stick around.  I think you'll find that the vast majority of moms on here are supportive of each other, open-minded, and have a wide variety of good ideas about how to handle all the ups and downs of raising kids - regardless how you landed the job!

To Astrogirl: Your post is very interesting.  I'm not sure I see how you're lumping every single approach and conversation about things like safety/nutrition into the category of "confrontation"?  And saying that common "I saw a parent doing ____" threads like approaching a neighbor about not putting their infant in a car seat (not yelling at the person, but maybe asking if they know there are places they may be able to get one) is akin to leaving passive/aggressive anonymous judgemental notes on someone's car...?  The threads where people saw a parent doing something that seemed extreme, yes there is always judgement involved in having a reactiont to that, but it's the nature and spirit and way that people approach the other parent that is the key difference between "confrontation" and "offering support".  No, we dont all agree on where the line is drawn even between those 2 things, but it sounds like we all agree that the way the neighbor in this situation handled this with OP was not cool.

I do think situations where you can see and hear what is happening and it seems extreme, I would hope people would act in a respectful and supportive way.  I will still always walk up to a parent who is hitting or saying really mean things to their kid, and try to offer some words to cool the parent down.  But a crying baby in a house... you absolutely don't know what's going on and if you're really concerned, get some cookies and juice/tea and ring the bell and say "Hi, I'm your neighbor, I hear you have a little one and I'm a parent too, just wondering if everything's ok and if there's any way I can help you?"