How to handle on-lookers?

[BreastsTheMovie]

As I've started to reach out and network with people about my project,  I've had the unfortunate experience of meeting some very disrespectful people in various forums I've corresponded on and messages I've received.

These people just don't seem to get it.  They don't want to see breasts as anything other than objects for their lust.  Obviously, I TOTALLY DISAGREE with their perspective.  I have a really hard time seeing how anyone can look at a baby nursing and see it as being a turn-on for them.   It's seems however, that we live in a world where anything is possible.

I was actually a little depressed confronting this issue but then I decided to write an article which I'm titling Breastfeeding vs Perverts and this is certainly an issue that needs exploring.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on handling people who look on while feeding your baby?  I'm sure there's a range of reasons and attitudes.  Rather than putting my own thoughts in, I want to hear yours.

FYI: I'm a male filmmaker.  This project is my "baby," though my wife helps me with it too. Changing my attitudes about women transformed my life so I decided to make a film about how breasts are something other than sex objects.

Edited by BreastsTheMovie - 7/4/11 at 3:15am

[StellaNuova]

I find most people don't even seem to notice that I am nursing, it's like second nature, maybe that's why?I've nursed three (my lo is still pretty small). I personally feel more comfortable nursing in public places if I have a receiving blanket I can drape over us a bit or baring that a nursing shirt that allows a bit of discretion.  My lo tolerates the blanket so far but my others didn't so well, especially as they got a bit older. I nursed one of my sons till he was about two and I did get some looks as he got older but I didn't let that bother me. I've even gotten a few compliments once when another mom noticed me nursing my newborn in a sling and once at an Applebee's the waitress complimented me on what nice confident nursing "style" I had and how refreshing that I didn't feel I had to leave the room (she was being sincere). No one has ever asked me to stop nursing/move etc. I live in a pretty crunchy city/state but even before when I lived in a more conventional place it never happened.  I do personally feel a bit shy, actually most shy around male acquaintances/friends more so than total strangers so I like to feel like they can't see. I have never felt like someone was trying to sneak a peek in that way (and I am considered attractive), though I think a couple of times when guy friends have stumbled upon me nursing a little more openly in my home they have been a bit embarassed and me too...but no biggie.  Just my experience...I think it's terrible that some moms have been barred from nursing in certain places or asked to stop nursing.  Such an incident would be extremely upsetting and I totally support a Mom & babies right to nurse and feed wherever they need to.  Would those asking the Mom & baby to stop rather hear a baby screaming because it's hungry and needing nutrients its not receiving?

[Kerynna]

I've been nursing my baby before and someone comes up to us and looks at the baby and says, "oh, what a pretty baby!" and then suddenly realize that I'm actually nursing her.  I think a lot of times, people don't even know that we're breastfeeding.  I've never had anyone intentionally sit and watch me nurse in public.  At home, sure, my family watches and comments or whatever, but I don't think that's what you're asking about.

If I were nursing in public and someone was obviously watching with great interest, I would probably respond in some way, depending on what type of person was doing it and the context in which it occurs.  Even when I breastfeed on board and airplane, if I am sitting next to someone I don't know, they have always just kept their eyes on their book or out the window or wherever one normally looks while on a plane.  People don't typically turn in their seats and watch the person in the seat next to them, breastfeeding or not.

[BreastsTheMovie]

The other night I ran into a succession of people who were well the best way to put it is perverts and it depressed me.

I found an article discussing if we should outlaw breastfeeding in public, someone chimed in with this comment:

"Either it's a private act which deserves the protections we grant to private matters (and therefore should be done in private), or it is a public matter, about which there should be no problem with people gawking, leering, taking pictures, and streaming it live via webcam."

And there were many other comments from guys responding who were obviously only interested in things of ill repute.

I've seen a lot of breasfeeding now and like you've both said, for the most part "you really can't see much" and even if you do, it's all in the context of providing nourishment for a baby so I found some of the comments to be quite disturbing.

Since my goal is to help make breastfeeding normal and natural for everyone these are issues I'm facing in changing society's perceptions.

Anyway, that's some further background on where this thread came from.

Edited by BreastsTheMovie - 7/5/11 at 6:57am

[Kerynna]

The prevalence of perverts one comes across on the Internet (chat rooms, message boards, blogs, etc.) is higher than one experiences in daily life, IMO.  People will post things online that they would never say or do in person, so you have to take that into account as well.

[BreastsTheMovie]

Definitely true.  Thanks for reminding me :-)

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by BreastsTheMovie 

I found an article discussing if we should outlaw breastfeeding in public, someone chimed in with this comment:

"Either it's a private act which deserves the protections we grant to private matters (and therefore should be done in private), or it is a public matter, about which there should be no problem with people gawking, leering, taking pictures, and streaming it live via webcam."

And there were many other comments from guys responding who were obviously only interested in things of ill repute.

That is an unfortunate attitude. They are probably the same people who think it's appropriate to take pictures of a woman bending over or wearing a low-cut shirt. Some people will be perverted no matter what, and it really has nothing to do with BF'ing.

I've never had anyone gawk or stare while I'm nursing. Most people don't notice, and the ones that do just continue as normal or, if they're uncomfortable, avert their eyes or walk away. I find the latter more troublesome than perverts... I mean, I don't want some perverted guy staring at me whether I'm nursing or not, and I'd probably call the cops or something if it seemed to be escalating. I find it tougher to deal with people just getting up and walking out of the room because I'm nursing. Of course, they have every right to leave if they're uncomfortable, but it's sad to me that BF'ing makes some people so uncomfortable, and that we can end up feeling so isolated....

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by BreastsTheMovie 
"Either it's a private act which deserves the protections we grant to private matters (and therefore should be done in private), or it is a public matter, about which there should be no problem with people gawking, leering, taking pictures, and streaming it live via webcam."

Gawking and leering are rude behaviors by definition. It is also considered rude to deliberately take still or moving pictures of someone in public without their permission.

The bottom line is that very young humans are designed to be bf, moms and babe are designed to need each other, and being socially isolated for a months or years so no one sees your nursing breast is unhealthy.

[Marissamom]

I've never really noticed anyony taking too much interest in me feeding my babes. If someone does seem to be looking too directly I just look them in the eye and they move on.

[BreastsTheMovie]

Originally Posted by Emmeline II 

The bottom line is that very young humans are designed to be bf, moms and babe are designed to need each other, and being socially isolated for a months or years so no one sees your nursing breast is unhealthy.

Totally agree!

So glad to hear about all the mom's who haven't had any problems in this regard.  Some other forums it hasn't been quite as positive but on the whole, it seems even when mom's have had problems, they don't let it stop doing what they know is best for their babies.

[BreastsTheMovie]

Originally Posted by Marissamom 
If someone does seem to be looking too directly I just look them in the eye and they move on.

And that's probably the best way of dealing with this problem if it arises.  Make the other people feel uncomfortable and they leave.  The original people who were bugging me got lost real quick as soon as I made them uncomfortable.

[cromulent]

I've had a couple people stare at me, because I have giant boobs and my baby is a screamapillar. Sometimes it is hard to be discrete, but I really do try! Once a woman at another table just would not stop looking at me, so I looked right at her and said "just nursing! nothing to see here!"

[rebecca_n]

when my ds was 2 weeks old we took a plane ride and the man sitting next to me noticed i was nursing and commented on how my son was lucky and that "thats my favorite place to be too" then proceeded to stare... i dd cover up with a blanket b/c i was uncomfortable 

[KateDavies45]

Originally Posted by rebecca_n 

when my ds was 2 weeks old we took a plane ride and the man sitting next to me noticed i was nursing and commented on how my son was lucky and that "thats my favorite place to be too" then proceeded to stare... i dd cover up with a blanket b/c i was uncomfortable 

I've had a similar incidence but unfortunately it was with my FIL... neither I nor DH get along with him at all. but the point is that I don't find it the least bit uncomfortable to bf in a crowded store or restaurant but nursing at the in laws is creepy. he's CONSTANTLY staring at my breasts, leering is actually a better word and telling me it natural and okay to nurse in front of him...eww. sorry just ewwww.

[MamaPalooza]

I get a lot of looks while breastfeeding. I feel like I am doing the most natural, wonderful, nurturing thing  I can for my baby. So I am not ashamed to do it whenever he needs milk no matter where we are. I have the luxury of living in a city (DC) where the law is clear, you can breastfeed anywhere on federal property and the whole city is federal land. But just because you can doesn't mean I see tons of people breastfeeding in public here. I dont use a cloth to hide my breast or where nursing clothes, just pop a boob out of the top of my dress and we are ready for milk. I just feel like that should be the norm. I get a lot of looks when we are on the metro and Casey starts signaling for milk. I have found that the best thing to deter people from staring is to make eye contact, smile, and wave. They usually smile back awkwardly and then immediately look away. I saw a great documentary on youtube called "extraordinary breastfeeding" when I was pregnant and that film really convinced me to be the change I want to see in this world, in relation to my body and the beneficial, loving act of breastfeeding. I can be at the farmers market and its time for milk so I will feed him and walk around at the same time. I get a lot of looks there. A lot of stares from other mothers, an occasional "oh my god", slips out from a passer by, but I think of it as the more people that see public breastfeeding the better. It just shows people that it is normal, and they have hang ups. A smile usually gets people to stop looking quick. The only time it didn't is when I took a road trip to PA just me and the baby and we had to pull over at a truck stop to breastfeed. It was light out and no one was really around so I thought it would be fine. Pretty much right when we got out of the car this guy walked over and started talking to us. He seamed not to care that I may be uncomfortable with a strange male talking to me with my boob hanging out so I simply said that it was nice to meet him but I am going to need some privacy. He left and I got in the car to feed Casey but the guy kind of lingered and tried to look in the windows, it was kind of creepy. Needless to say we finished quick and got back on the road. That was the worst of it though. Usually people like to judge but when you meet that with a sincere smile people stop for a little while at least. The most negative comments I get are from my family wondering when I will wean already and asking me not to do it in there presence at there house.