Hello! So the last few months have involved a nervous breakdown but I actually kind of think it was a good thing, hear me out.
My childhood was over the top abusive. Horror story. Mental health professionals tell me I should be dead, in jail, or completely non-functioning. But I'm not. I'm happy more days than not. I'm secure. I have a great husband and kids who are shining examples of good health and excellent psychological fortitude. But I still struggle. I talk about struggling a lot on the internet because that is the safest place to talk about things. There is some truly terrifying stuff in my head. But telling me to "up my meds" isn't telling me to deal with the problems. It's telling me to mask the problems. I'm really kind of upset with the current attitude of, "Oh! You had trauma happen to you and you have to loudly and messily talk about it?! How about if we give you a bunch of drugs so you can zone out and forget about it and you can stop making other people uncomfortable!" Dude. Really?
I'm not accusing anyone on MDC. I was recently foolish enough to leave this site and wander elsewhere on the internet. I have already closed that account and I'm staying here. Maybe it's because of the over moderation, maybe it is just because the people who want to be here aren't @$$ho!e$. I don't know. But oh man. I have found compassion on this website I haven't seen elsewhere. Thank you all.
I am on anxiety meds, but they are at the right dosage thankyouverymuch. I do need to talk. I need to process. And I'm doing it. I'm in such a better place than I was. My most recent breakdown let me 100,000 words into a book about my life. It also gave me the courage to out my family of rapists and finally break all contact. That was just about the best thing I could do at this stage of my life. And despite having a nervous breakdown... I made sure my kids were taken care of. I was never alone with them because I have an awesome support network. I did it without "upping my meds". I did it without inpatient treatment, which I will never ever ever consider as a valid option again given how I was abused as a teenager in an inpatient program. My mom told them I was lying about the sexual assault and they believed her over me. I will never trust the system again.
But really, even though I have days that are so bad other people would have killed themselves long ago (statistically speaking that is not hyperbole)... I'm doing ok. Really. I am strong enough for this. But I will talk about it on the internet and make people uncomfortable. I think that is better than letting it bottle up and spill into my life in ways that will hurt my kids. I'm sorry I make adults uncomfortable, but I'm not traumatizing people if they can choose to simply not read. My kids can't choose to get away from me. So I have to keep it out of their lives.
Ugh. Just... ugh. I'm frustrated. Yes this is hard. That doesn't mean I should medicate it away.