The terrible threes. Help!

[Halfasianmomma]

DD will be 3 in a week. I have recently begun to experience a whole new level of tantrums...which I have dubbed "Tantrums with a purpose". When she was just turning 2, the tantrums weren't as verbalized; she was frustrated but more easily placated. Now she will argue me into the ground and she will fight me about every. single. little. thing. all. the. time. "I DON'T want to wear THAT bathing suit to the pool because it's blue and it's NOT my favourite COLOUR!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"

I'm trying to see what I'm doing wrong, because I know she's not choosing to be a tantrum-y child. I've drastically removed tv time from her life; the rest of her time is spent playing outdoors. I wonder if I spend enough quality time playing with her, reading with her, cuddling her...I wonder if the way I approach her tantrums is right...I used to let it blow me up...I try to just gently repeat things, to give her choices, to redirect her...but she is still in this crazy opposition phase. I'm at a loss and I often feel as though I've got "Clueless Mother" tattoeed to my forehead.

I'm wondering if the first year of her life--the year we spent living in an abusive household with her alcoholic father, somehow scarred her and changed her. She was such an *easy* infant...never cried, so easy-going. And then...around 12 months old, she gradually changed, stopped smiling so much...I don't know if it's my guilt talking here or if her behaviour is just normal 3 year old behaviour.

Input anyone?

[Peony]

I'll vote for normal 3 year old behavior. I have no idea what people are talking about when they say terrible twos. Age 3 has always been far worse in our house. They are old enough to have a real opinion but young enough that everything is still a big deal, and they can't control themselves. 

[LadyCatherine185]

My DS1 has never been a big "tantrum" thrower, but lately he is getting more and more opinionated and has melt-downs a lot more easily. I also vote for normal 3-year old behavior!

One thing we have been working on with him is teaching him to calm down. When he has a melt-down over something we ask him to "do his calm-down" (this is where he takes deep breaths) and tell him we will talk about the situation once he calms down. And then we calmly explain to him why we can't do xyz....

Another thing that really helps with him is to explain everything we are doing before we do it... "Liam, we are going to the store in a few minutes so I need to get you dressed." If it is something I NEED him to "behave" on, I sometimes bribe "if you cooperate and listen to mommy you can pick a special treat at the store" He does really well with lots of communication between the two of us.. the wheres, whys, etc..

keeping a routine to our day really helps too

[Xerxella]

I'm so sorry you've had a tough time with it.  I agree with Peony, that sounds like normal 3 year old behavior, but that doesn't make it any easier.  IMO, the most important thing this stage needs is a ton of patience.  You kinda of have to step back, take a deep breath and do all the things you're doing, gently repeat, GIVE CHOICES and redirect.  And overall, try to empathize and let the "disaster" burn itself out.  Here's how it might go: 

"I know you REALLY wanted the blue swimsuit, but all we brought is the yellow one." 

"WWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH" 

I'm sorry you're so upset.

WWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHH  WWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHHH  WWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHH  (insert every other mother at the pool staring at you, but you keep you're cool and are down at dd's level and overall, waiting for it to burn out) 

Do you want a hug?  No, not yet, huh? 

WWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHH  WWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHH  (lots more staring, but you can handle it) 

WWWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHH  WWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHH  (deep breath, lots of patience) 

Do you want to wear the yellow one or should we just go and come back another day? 

NO!!!!!!   wwwwwaaaaaaahhhhhhhh   i really, really, really wanted the blue one. 

I know you did sweetie.  I know you REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted it. 

wwwwwaaaaaahhhhhhhhh  WWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH (for some reason I always get an encore, but then it tapers down)

Maybe a hug is now acceptable. 

wwwwwwaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh 

wwaahh

IMO, kids have to feel that they're being heard and they're able to express their emotions.  Often, this isn't convenient for us and, yes, it's embarassing, but I think that over time you're daughter won't have to express her opinons so loudly because she'll know she's being heard from the start.  Good luck.  Let us know how it goes/what you think. 

[Surfer Rosa]

I don't have a lot of time to reply properly, but I wanted to chime in that I found age three MUCH harder than two. My DD was pretty easygoing and tantrums were limited to times when she was hungry/tired/understandably frustrated, but around age three, there was a huge shift, and at times, I found it totally unbearable.

We tried a lot of things, but I think a lot of it is developmental. At times she was SO grown up, which really made the freakouts tough, as they seemed to come out of nowhere. We stepped up routine and verbalizing expectations, which seemed to help, and we also made sure that food, water and rest opportunities were always an option, but it seemed like as she got closer to age four, she returned to "normal" on her own. My son is almost three and I can honestly say I feel like weeping when I think about what we might have ahead of us (he's been a pretty easy two as well).

hope it's a short phase for you!

[Mama2Rio]

Not just you... lol... DD turned 3 a few days ago and on her birthday she had the worst tantrum ever! she never ever did anything like it and hubby and i were at a loss as to what we should do. we were dropping DH off at work and we all got out of the car, she didn't want to get out and i really wanted to get her inside to cool off, it was about 110 out (we live in az).  she threw her self on the floor screaming, have no idea what was wrong, and them screaming that she didn't want to get back into the car. i got her back in and that was it. my brother was with us, and he was also shocked to see her like that. but i'm scared of 3! she's been grabbing my face and sticking her hands over my mouth telling me to "stop talking" and just trying to be controlling and it all started on her birthday! it's going to be a long year! i'm sadly starting to realize the dark side of why people send their kids to preschool.

[LROM]

Something else to keep in mind, which is maybe "the bright side of the scary threes", is that there ARE developmental reasons for this phase.  I'm not a specialist in child development but I've heard specialists talk about toddler phases several times, and it's about them working out how they relate to the world. 

Toddler years are a crossing point where kids are better able to communicate with adults... but still not really able to verbalize all that they feel or even why they feel it.  Sometimes they ask you for the blue one, you hand them the blue one, and they FREAK the heck out.  It's abotu *something*, but we can't figure it out and they often just feel it but don't understand it themselves.  It's a phase of working through how they feel about the world, and it can be HARD!

My dd is 2 1/2 but in a class room with 3 yr olds and she's rightt here with them.  We have also found that explaining what's going to happen before it happens helps a LOT with some of the frustrations/unhappy moments.  Dd is actually very thoughtful once the meltdown is over, she's even started apologizing herself when I haven't even brought up the meltdown.  "I sorry I threw my shoes and cried. I won't throw shoes anymore."  Of course, she's throwing shoes the next meltdown with all her fury, but that's just part of the process.  I am grateful she's at least starting to understand that the tantrums don't get her what she wants any faster (when there is something specific she wants but can't have/do).  She's starting to get that it only prolongs or cancels her getting that thing, and sometimes you can actualyl see her weighing her strategies!

Consistency also seems to be very important.  I think I remember the specialists talking abotu how kids are testing you and testing their world, to see if they keep pushing the buttons, do things really usually work the same?  Dd tested me on counting to 5 every time, and then once I stepped up the "what happens if we have to get to 5" results, she didn't let us get to 5 again for months. 

I guess the 2s and 3s (and really our kids entire lives!) are time for us to all learn how the world of a kid works... the kids and the parents are learning how things work and what makes the best sense.

[blackbird2]

I'm with Xerxella - sometimes there's just nothing to do but wait it out and help them navigate their emotions.  They've learned to be able to talk about what they want, but are still learning to cope with the answers.

[maryeb]

Oh Mama, very normal 3 yr old behavior.  When my first went through that phase it was soo upsetting!!  He rarely.ever.tantrumed. in his first two years, and then bam!  I read here that you've gotta "zip up your zen suit" and ride it out.  I agree.  My second is 3 next month and I'm so in for it.  Reading the book Your 3 Year Old, Friend or Enemy by Louise Bates Ames really helped explain and validate the developmental issues going on.  They have so many changes going on and we've got to just keep up and help them navigate and get through those feelings.  It's a good time to get a mother's helper (if possible) so you have some help and breathing room.  Good luck Mama!!!!