Help Quick please! Daughter trying to strangle son

[AileenM]

I have no idea how to deal with this without freaking out and beating her.  Please, can someone tell me how to deal with this?  My son (16 months) was playing with daughter's (4 years old) balloon, and somehow pulled the ribbon off so that the balloon floated up to the ceiling, and she took the ribbon that came off, and tried to strangle him with it.  I'm not sure what her intentions were, but she knows that a string around the throat is very dangerous, and she knows why.  I immediately sent her to her room to avoid freaking out on her, so what do I say when I go in to talk to her?

[rightkindofme]

Err.. I'm kind of a yeller.  I think that is way better than beating anyone.  I'm not sure what the official GD response is though. I'm sorry.  My 3 year old is spending a lot of time trying to kill her 10 month old sister lately.  We do time in a different room until you can be kind again.  I'm not sure if that is GD either.  To tell you the truth, I'm not entirely sure I understand what GD is. :-\

[AileenM]

Well, I hope I didn't damage her.  I told her that I know that she knows that's dangerous, and I asked her if she knew why.  She said no, so I told her that if someone has something wrapped around their neck, they could die.  I asked if she knew what that meant, and explained that when someone dies, you don't get to see them anymore at all, not even for a visit.  I asked if she wanted to do that to her brother, and she said no and started sobbing.  Of course, now I feel horrible for introducing her to all that thought, but this is not the first time she has really tried to hurt him.  I finished our conversation by telling her that it was OK to feel angry, but we are never ever allowed to hurt someone because of it.  We have to use our words to express our anger.  I wish there was some other way I could let her know that would be an acceptable outlet for her anger.

[rightkindofme]

That sounds like what I would do.  Yes, it's harsh... but if she accidentally killed her brother that would be a far more harsh lesson.   I think you did well.  

[LynnS6]

Personally, I would have naturally freaked out when I saw the ribbon around his neck. I think that having kids see us freak out when it's a normal and reasonable response can be beneficial. There's a huge emotional impact of seeing your mom being really upset. It's not something that I'd plan, but I don't feel too bad when I freak out over something that deserves a good freak out.

What this should remind you of, however, is that she's 4 and she really doesn't get the long term consequences of her actions. She may be able to say "things around your neck are dangerous" but they don't really understand why or what it can do. So, it's good that you caught it, and it sounds like you don't leave your kids alone for too long a period of time, which is reasonable at these ages. As they get older, you can trust them more.

[umsami]

That must have been so scary.  I'm so glad your son is all right.

I think sending to her room was the right decision--especially as you weren't sure of your reaction.  A 4 year old has no concept of death... or killing anybody.  Even if you have told her that anything around the neck is very dangerous, she likely didn't get it.  

OK, just read what you told her.  I think you did the right thing Mama.  Hugs.  I'm so glad everybody is O.K.

[Heavenly]

I think you did fine.  We had a similar situation and we were totally blunt and explained that he could kill his sister and what her being dead meant.  If it traumatized him to hear that oh well.  Better than being traumatized by living the rest of his life knowing he seriously hurt or killed his sister.  I'm sure there was no malicious intent behind her actions but sometimes you need serious shock value to permeate that bubble of "I can do whatever I want!" that seems to surround most preschoolers.

[Drummer's Wife]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

What this should remind you of, however, is that she's 4 and she really doesn't get the long term consequences of her actions. She may be able to say "things around your neck are dangerous" but they don't really understand why or what it can do. So, it's good that you caught it, and it sounds like you don't leave your kids alone for too long a period of time, which is reasonable at these ages. As they get older, you can trust them more.

Yes, this.  When you say you know she knew, OP, you must mean she knew it was unacceptable behavior.  She can't truly know it could kill him.  I mean, they just aren't that rational.  Which is why they can't really be unsupervised for more than brief periods at that age, specifically with strangulation hazards like balloons. 
 

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I would have freaked out  too.

But, later I would have explained that I'm sorry for freaking out like that, but it was so dangerous that I was scared and mad.  It's never OK to tie something around someone's neck.

It probably looked like she was trying to kill him, but she was just trying to be genuinely mean... not trying to harm him.  Anyone with a sibling has done mean hurtful things to them.  We don't usually do it more than once, but it seems like a good idea at the time.  

You handled it fine.  

Also, she does know better.  Because she's been told.  But, usually those things don't really sink in until much later.  It's like knowing the slide is hot, because someone told you....but, you still go down it anyway... then you KNOW it's hot.    We all learn things the hard way.  Some things we understand because someone told us, but most things have to be learned.