Is asking always ok?

[blackbird2]

I have a newly 3 yrs old DS who is quite extroverted and outgoing.  He loves to interact with other people, both children and adults.  We've also emphasized communicating and listening a lot in our parenting.  For example as a toddler when he grabbed, pushed etc, we would say no to the inappropriate behavior, then suggest that he ask to see/use the toy, invite the other child to play, etc  We would encourage him to use his words and ask, even if his request wasn't exactly fair (ie, it really wasn't his turn with the toy, for whatever reason), although we would also try to communicate (especially in the case of children) that one was free to say either yes or no to his request.  And we would of course help him honor their answer.

So, my question is, have we somehow gone too far with this?  Is it sometimes not ok to ask?  Should we say 'no' on behalf of the other person more (safety issues aside, of course)?  For example, when he asks a friend of mine to read the same book over again for the 10th time in a row, or when visiting grandparents he wants to do everything with/talk constantly to my mom ....  Should I cut him off?  Again, I try to be sensitive to people's needs and comfortability - if I get any sense that they're done, I try to express that that's totally ok and help redirect him.  But I also want to respect their autonomy and their choices and not make decisions for them, particularly in the case of adults.

This is all sounding so much more complicated typed out ....  I guess the basics are is it ok to encourage a 3yr old (or any child) to ask for what they want?  Does it make them a good communicator or a demanding child?

Thanks!

[tbone_kneegrabber]

If I know ds wants someone to do something with him, I'll often tell him, "you can ask, but they can say no"  I usually try to do this where the other person can hear me so they know I think it is okay to tell him "no, not right now"

There are some things you don't ask, like its probably never okay to ask a stranger to lick their ice cream cone.  But it is okay, (in my view) to ask a kid you don't know if they want to play with you.

[meemee]

i do the same as tbone. "k has already read you the book many times. she might be getting tired and might want to chat with me anyways." this is hte cue that K takes. she either says no its ok, or hey maybe a little later. 

i have never ever cut dd off. honestly i find that behaviour rude with anyone - also kids. 

again if dd is seeking an ok for me before she went over to ask, i'd tell her the same as tboner. 

by the time she got the hang of asking and not taking and politely with a request tone of voice - not demanding, THEN i'd start more on other people's space. 

however my greatest challenges were the people themselves - mostly strangers. they'd hear me trying to get dd to stop going over there - when they are eating and reading their book for instance, they'd usually tell me 'oh no its ok she can come over and join me." i very rarely found people who didnt want to interact (yeah it was hard for dd to learn about personal space at say 4 but by 5 she got it better). 

[4evermom]

I think it's fine but some kids are forced to share and feel like they have to give up whatever someone else asks for.  So I'd be sensitive to that possibility which it sounds like you are.  And I'd guide ds to recognize a nonverbal "no" since many kids that young aren't all that verbal yet.  I used to run into the problem that if I suggested to ds that he give another child a turn with something, they would feel free to mug ds for the item, even if ds didn't want to share.  They'd assume that I gave them permission and they were justified in using brute force.  So I learned not to do that pretty quick, lol.  He generally liked to share, fortunately.

[nextcommercial]

Asking once is nice.  But, asking over and over and over, is nagging.  He's learning that if I keep bugging someone I'll get what I want.

If this is what works for him, he will be doing this all through school.  "Mom, can I have the car?  Mom can I have the car? Mom, can I have the car?"  Eventually you will give it to him after X amounts of requests.  He'll have already learned how many times he needs to ask before he's given his request.

Plus, to a kid, it's annoying, and the other kid will eventually move away from him and close the door, or just throw the toy at him, and walk away.  He gets the toy.... but, his friend list will dwindle.

Ask once.  If the answer is "no", it's "no", don't ask again... go find something else.  

Most people will love to hear him ask, or try to have a conversation.  Grandma loves him!  Of course she wants to talk to him.  But, if she's busy, she'll make time in a little while.  He's going to be a great communicator one day!

[pianojazzgirl]

Oh yes, I definitely agree on the asking over and over (and over and over....) thing.  I try to be careful when I respond to my kids.  If they ask for something I'll make sure that the answer I give is the one I'm going to stick to.  If I need time to think about it I tell them that.  If I'm in the middle of something so I need to finish before I'm able to think about it I'll tell them.  I've even been known to say something like "right now I'm really hungry and cranky.  I'm going to eat a quick snack so I can get in a better mood and be able to think fairly".

As for monitoring how (and how much) your kids ask other people...  I do know that a lot of people (usually those who don't have kids of their own) have a lot of trouble saying "no" to little kids - even if they really don't want to do what the kid is asking.  I do feel like sometimes it's up to me to step in and help the situation.  Besides what the other pps have suggested, something else I do (esp with my younger dc who is 3.5) is distract my kid with something else.  So if they're asking Uncle Whoever to read the same story for the eleventieth time I might say "hey ds, it looks like Uncle W is getting tired.  Let's take a break from stories and play with this Lego/train set/paint/whatever".

[mommy68]

It depends on who the other adult is. I know that family members usually will speak up and tell my child if they are uninterested or done with whatever they are doing with them. I can usually tell if my child is persisting and they no longer want to do something and I do step in. With people who aren't as close to us then I step in always.

I know that as an adult who does things with other kids I don't like it if the other parent(s) allow their child to keep bugging me and begging me to do something over and over that I am obviously not wanting to do with them at that moment. I had this happen recently at a friends cookout. I have 3 kids of my own, one being a toddler, so I am lucky if I get a minute to entertain other children, lol...but I love kids! I love interacting with them and doing things with them, especially this one child in particular who has parents that are drug users so he is always with his godparents (my friends) but on this particular evening he wanted to use my camera and it's pretty expensive and I let him do it for a long time only to have him keep pulling on it and begging to keep using it (he's 4) and they did nothing to stop him and finally some other kid distracted him so I put it away but it took some time to get it away. :)  His godparents wouldn't stop him even though they made several attempts to "ask" him to stop but didn't do anything to back it up. This child's bio parents were there that day as well and said nothing to him, although anytime he did anything else they would jump on him immediately and those times he wasn't even doing anything to bother anyone, lol. It was quite funny actually now that I look back on it. I think these particular parents just didn't know when enough was enough in regards to another adult and figured me having the experience that I have with kids that I wouldn't care or could take care of it myself. But I've only been around the kid a few times and didn't really know him well enough to be firm with him.