he'd rather be homeless than pay child support

[mandalamama]

really! at this point i just want to bang my head on a wall in frustration! this subject has come to an ugly head because my daughter is missing out on a LOT of things as of this summer. when she was just 3 months old, i begged him to get a job and he reacted badly, lashed out in anger. after that it just kept going downhill, it took 3 tries but i left. i know i did the right thing, even though he told me repeatedly "i would rather go homeless than pay a dime of child support." at first, i didn't really believe him. what kind of person would WANT to live in a homeless shelter and have no income?? i should have believed  him ... last i heard, he still has no job and lives in a homeless shelter in MA. (i'm in NH). he's over $20K in arrears at this point. (when he had a job just after i left him, i don't know how but he actually talked a judge down from $40k in arrears to zero. i hadn't even been notified of the hearing! i tried to appeal it, and couldn't.)

i'm permanently disabled and currently "on the dole" meaning i get TANF, food stamps and Medicaid for my girl and me. if my ex paid child support, it would go to the state first to pay for the arrears, which is fine with me, it's the right thing to do. my benefits are actually at a lower rate because he doesn't pay any support at all, they would go back up to a higher rate if he paid even a little (for example we get only $60/month for food, down from $140). they do this to pressure the dads to pay. he did work for a little while in MA and his paychecks were garnished to pay the state, this is when he had a short interlude of visitation (before he blew it forever by hurting my daughter). he can't even get supervised visitation any more. i'm 99% sure that's why he feels justified in never paying child support, based on what he's said to me.

here's why i'm so damn frustrated right now - my girl got a summer scholarship to the local YMCA for both kid camp and swimming classes, but my old car died in March and there's no public transit we can use to get her to the Y. my girl also qualifies for an arts center's "movement" class, it's like dancing and gymnastics put together - again, would need transportation. (i've asked moms for rides so often they're sick of me! one mom takes us once a week to her martial arts dojo, which is a blessing.) i've been struggling hard as hell, but she's well fed, well clothed, well loved and healthy. it's all the social things where she feels like an outcast, most of her friends take part in these activities and she really wants to be with them. she does have the scholarship reduced rate at her martial arts class, that's the one luxury i can afford - she's so good she's been invited to be on the demo team, she'd get to travel and teach other kids "bully busters." i need $100 for the extra safety gear and about $100/month for the extra classes. sighs, no way, no how.

i'm not a mom that feels i have to have my kid in every activity, it's more that my girl is extremely active and a social butterfly, but she really likes a structured environment to be active in. i was able to get bused for swimming lessons after school this last year, and she really misses swimming (they don't have the funding now or next school year to bus her any longer). the arts center comes to her school, so she can participate a little, but she really wants to go to their center - so do i! i could hang some of my paintings in their gallery, maybe get a sale. there are a ton of great activities here, including a "teaching farm" we used to get our raw milk from, with no car we haven't been out there in a long time. she had her 3rd birthday there, it's such an awesome place! you grab a backpack filled with activities and explore the whole farm, taking notes and drawing pictures, you get to shear sheep, spin the wool, make toys from it.

i could go on. honestly i just want to scream!!!! my ex is a very intelligent man who is very talented at technical customer service as well as data entry, databases, etc. a computer geek who can earn a good living. while i was with him, he'd hold down a job and get "let go" or fired after the 6-month probationary status ended. he even worked in movie theaters just so he could see movies for free every day, he was at concessions but he'd compete to up-sell the most and win prizes. how could he possibly go from that to living in homeless shelters?? he even moves around so he can't be found by child support enforcement, or my daughter's guardian ad litem!

i'm stuck between NH and MA child support enforcement. both of them say the other state should be doing all the work. i just keep giving them any info i get, as soon as i get it. i was able to confirm he had a car at one point - how he got a loan after (at least) 2 repossessions is beyond me.

this is just SO NOT FAIR. no one said life was fair. but i didn't have a child i couldn't take care of ... i was married, we wanted this child, he had several good jobs and just seemed to be having some bad luck, as he put it. i remember once when his mom called, the first thing she said was "does he still have a job?" or something close to that. he told me at the very beginning he's the black sheep of his family, i didn't believe him back then but i believe him now. now my daughter is being treated like the black sheep of the family :( her grandma has been generous enough to send her birthday and Christmas presents, she even visited us last January ... she said she'd visit again but i've heard nothing since, i can't get hold of her. i'm afraid to ever call his sister again, last time we talked was her yelling at me in a courtroom that i cut off family access to my daughter, which was silly because i'd emailed her several times to set up a regular chat time for the cousins to get together, she never responded.

i'm very worried about my girl being "at risk" as she grows up, being poor. i do everything i can to make her life interesting and fun, her friends love to come over to "the artsy mom's house." but i just plain need more money to raise her properly! hate to sound greedy, but i'm spending far more than half my income on rent, and quite a lot on food - she's like one of her aunts, she has a hard time gaining and keeping any weight on, so she needs things like whole milk, meats and cheeses, vegetable fats, high calorie whole foods. the "cheap stuff" does nothing for her. i feel like a failure as a mom, sometimes i even second-guess myself, as in "if i didn't push him to get a job at that time, he wouldn't have turned violent." or "if i were a better partner, he would have been able to keep jobs."

[Alenushka]

You ex is probably mentally ill and there is nothing you could have done about it.  I am appauled that his family is not doing anything for you girl.

Yes, you are right, poverty puts children at risk.  But there is poverty and there is poverty. the reason poverty put children at risk because poor families more often are subject to violence, drugs and poor nutrition. You are neither of those risk factors. 

Is there anything you can do to raise extra funds? Tutor homeschoolers in art perhpas. Etsy.com?

[zebra15]

I'm there with you. My DS10 is on scholarship for most activities.  I wish his swim team had a scholarship program. He loves to swim and does well but there is no scholarship or tuition waiver for that.  I hate asking my mom to pay every month.

We are on food stamps, state medical and unemployment.  I substitute teach during the school year and pay is sporadic at best.  I home school and even though I have a teaching certificate I won't ever teach,talk about major 'black balling' in the area.

My son was part of the 'big brother' program for a short while.  We had  horrible matches 2x.  I think your DD is old enough to apply for a 'big sister'.  You should get some support from that program as well.

My sons father owes arrears and the only way I (DS) will see that $$ is when he dies.  I think of the arrears as a possible start in life for DS, who knows.

[Avani]

You aren't alone. I really wouldn't get in the mind frame that just because you can't provide all these activites for your kid that it puts her at risk for being poor. Raise her with good moral values and that will be enough. Shower her with love. Activities do not make for a good well rounded child. Their up bringing does. I do not expect to ever get child support. My ex makes sure he keeps everything under the table. I plan and budget according to my own income and I don't waste my energy feeling angry or resentful. What's the point? The only way the kids and I will ever see a penny from him is if he becomes disabled then we would get his social security. One can hope.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by Alenushka 

You ex is probably mentally ill and there is nothing you could have done about it.  I am appauled that his family is not doing anything for you girl.

It sounds like Schizoid Personality Disorder.

He can't be helped and he'll never be able to be a provider. His family of origin is probably pretty dysfunctional, too, so they may not be of any help.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Its heart-wrenching when we feel like we're not giving our children what they need :(
 

[mimim]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie 

It sounds like Schizoid Personality Disorder.
 

What makes you say schizoid in particular?


To the OP, I know that guilty feeling you have, but it's not your fault. It's his. And it sounds like you are doing just fine by your DD. Extra-curriculars are just that, EXTRA. Make projects, read books, have those cool arty gatherings with her friends. That really is enough in addition to life's basic needs.

[smeep]

Is there anything you could do in "trade" for rides with another mama? Like can you babysit their kids or sew or anything? 

I'd be really tempted to just report to the state that he paid a little, the bare minimum you need to get your assistance raised - which, btw, is ridiculous, shouldn't you get more when you have LESS money?!. 

And if it helps any, kids don't need cow milk (or dairy in general). Not to give you crap over it (by all means, drink away! the stuff is delicious) but she doesn't NEED it so if you need to cut back so you can afford other things don't worry about it. And have you thought about gardening? You can grow some things indoors even. I'm sure every bit would make a difference. We garden and it cuts back significantly on our produce bill. Not to mention I'm going to sell some of our figs when they ripen.

[smeep]

Oh, and is there any job at all you can do? Like even very part time? I had an ex roommate a few years back who was on disability and was still able to make no more than $1,000 working (which pissed me off since he got $1,500/mo in disability, all of which went to pot, but that's a whole other thread lol). 

[mandalamama]

lots of good suggestions here, a lot of it i've already tried. i have one friend i can barter with, i do child care for her help with housework and rides to the dojo. i'm still looking for a job i can do within my health/ability limits, work-at-home is best, i'm always applying for jobs but most places want you to work at least 30 hrs./wk. at their location for 3 or 6 months before you can telecommute. i've got a lot of physical therapy exercises for my hands and shoulders that i'm working on each day, hoping i can get back to working with poly-clay again. (my ex tore my shoulder rotator cuff with his violence, i haven't been able to get more than 6 PT visits per year for it, or surgery, so my left arm is a dud now.)  i just found a site called "Time Bank" today, they trade hours of one thing for goods and services, i signed up for it! i'm praying to find a cheap used car someone will let me make monthly payments towards.

we lucked out today - my girl got an invite to join Girl Scouts for free, she will be a Daisy! *laughs at the image* no uniform needed, she'll get a ride tomorrow to the rec center where they meet. that will last until school starts. woohoo!!

i never stop working on this kind of stuff. i am just soooooo TIRED.

[smeep]

I'll be sending positive healing and job nabbing vibes your way!