Bonding with the baby advice for DH

[Skippy918]

DD is 2 months old and she's been colicky and needs constant attention and enjoys being held.  Since I'm with her all day, I've gotten used to her fussiness and I hold her a lot, nurse her and she settles down. 

DH, on the otherhand, really doesn't know how to calm her down and gets really frustrated when she cries.  He's been saying because she cries a lot, he has trouble bonding with her.  It's almost like he's taking her crying very personally and to some extent, his attitude really bothers me.  I really want him to learn how to calm her down and soothe her without him getting all frustrated about it.  I feel guilty for asking him to watch her so I can go shower or cook dinner cause then all he does is complain that she cries.  Our son was so easygoing at this age so DH didn't have this problem.

Can anyone else relate?  Any tips for helping them bond or helping him gain more confidence in his abilities to be able to soothe her?

[Marissamom]

DF was having a hard time bonding with our second too. with DD, he was the one comforting her and doing everything except for feeding her from the very beginning, but DS is a complete mama's boy. one thing that's helped is handing DS to DF and telling DF what DS wants (to be walked around, to be played with, to be snuggled). DF is still having a hard time reading what DS wants, but me telling him makes it easier to do and for DF to understand that it's not because of who he is but what he's doing. 

[Blanca78]

Sorry, no wisdom here, only sympathy--our DD is not too fussy at this point (except when she's overtired) but I am also frustrated with DH's lack of comfort when it comes to soothing her. So I will be reading to see what others say! We are in a similar situation where I am home with her all day and understand her cues and have figured out pretty effective ways to get her to nod off for naps, but he is not as comfortable holding/rocking her--he has trouble with patience. It's our first baby so that's part of it, too. He is a very loving father but doesn't know how to get her to sleep. It would be nice to get a break.

[LeaPea]

My daughter was very colicky, and my husband had the same problem. We read "Happiest Baby on the Block," and my husband was able to implement those techniques and soothe her. Eventually, he was able to swaddle her and jiggle her to sleep!!

[P.J.]

My baby was also colicky and screamed a LOT until he was about 3.5 months. Not only DH, but I also had a hard time bonding with him because of that (and a traumatic birth). But I know what you mean, in that I was definitely better able to handle the screaming than DH was and I felt like I had the additional task of calming DH down cause he'd get really upset about all the crying.

I think you need to have some sympathy for your husband. It is extremely challenging to have a baby who cries a lot. It triggers a lot of things inside a person and not everyone can handle it with grace and ease, ya know? Maybe for the time being just let your husband focus more on your older child, who probably could use the extra attention at this time anyhow. Are there other people ~friends, family, neighbors, babysitters~ who could help you out at this time and hold the baby while you shower sometimes?

Just remember: this will pass. I know so well how it seems like your baby will be crying forever and it will never end. But it does. If she's 2 months then that means the colic should be over within 3-6 weeks. Hang in there mama! When the colic subsides and your DD starts to become a more alert and interactive baby, I am sure your DH will start to fall in love with her and bond and be better able to participate in parenting. I know it took me personally several months to really fall in love with my boy (I made a post about this in the current thread called "Finding your groove as a new mom" if you want more of that story). It'll happen, and in the meantime just seek out additional help, let your DH focus on your older child and give him a bit of a break, and remember this will all change soon!

[anjsmama]

Sorry, no advice, just empathy.  My DS is just 10 days apart from yours, and DH was very, very, very involved with baby responsibilities with him. We were both working, and bottle feeding mostly, so it was literally like parenting split 50/50. And DH was very, very good at it. And he loved it. I think it gave him a great sense of pride to be such a wonderful father, and yes, it helped him bond with DS. DD is exclusively breastfed (5 months) and I'm a SAHM now, and she was very colicky in the early days. All of that added up to her being with me 95% of the time. My DH got VERY frustrated when she cried and also confided he was having a very hard time bonding with her. Though I never spelled it out to him, what I think was really hard on him was his inability to soothe her. It frustrated him as a parent - he has such confidence in his fathering abilities and his inability to calm her was overwhelming. It's understandable. But unfortunately, DD just had to outgrow it. For the first 3 months, she just needed me. Period. I corrected my foremilk/hindmilk issues which really helped with the colic, and as she outgrew that, it just happened  naturally. He learned to soothe her in the same ways that he soothed DS (rocking, walking, talking, hand-holding, face kisses, gas relief (lifting legs) and etc) and they bonded - and it was quick. Like one day, they were strangers, and the next they were best friends. Both DH & DD have been happier ever since. Hope it gets better for you soon!

[Skippy918]

I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one who is going through this.  Things are slowly getting better.  We're just trying to take it day by day. 

[Parker'smommy]

Does she like her bath? That was the ONLY thing that dd liked sometimes when she was colicky! And DH was the one to give it to her! I swear, I 've given her maybe 5 baths her entire 10 months of life!lol.....He's done this with all 3 of our children and it has been a wonderful bonding experience for all of them. THey prefer him to do the bathtime routine and it makes him feel special that they want that from him only. AND....it gives me a half hour to decompress, take a shower myself, or take a walk or ANYTHING I WANT during that time. And yes....30 minute baths...gotta get em squeaky clean and play in there too!!!!

[BabaG]

Have you tried a baby carrier? My son was similar with DH and to be honest, it took a while for them to bond. He's almost 9 months and although he's still very much a mama's boy, they are becoming closer. Bath time is a good idea too plus it gives you a bit of a break. Good luck - it does get better

[TheDivineMrsM]

Are you BFing or bottle feeding? I should've done this earlier, but pump or make up a bottle and let your DH feed the baby and/or put them to bed while you shower/nap/do something fun. My DH said that he didn't really bond with her until he got to take care of her w/o me there as a "safety net." It's a win-win. You get a break, your DH gets to develop some strategies for caring for the baby, and your baby learns to depend on more than just you to soothe them.  

[Skippy918]

Her crying has started to taper off which is good.  DH is more inclined to hold her when she's not crying.  I would love for her to take a bottle from DH but she's just refusing right now.  I need her to take one soon since I go back to work in Sept.

[GolfAddict]

Best for Babes Foundation had an article the other day of 14 things a father can do to bond with baby other than feeding. Check it out. Pretty good suggestions.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[DaisyMae08]

Can you get out of the house for a while and leave the two of them alone?  It will help him figure out his own ways to soothe her and she might actually be more inclined to take a bottle if you're not around as another option.

[Calliope84]

My DH couldn't handle the crying when DD had colic (I got rid of dairy in my diet completely and "cured" the colic though..)

I thought it was harder for him because he didn't have all the "Mommy" hormones I had which helped me deal with it and (mostly) be nurturing with the constant crying...

DH would wear her in the moby sometimes, though.

[MamatobabyA]

When DS was little I used to feed him at 6 and then hand him off to DH.  I went back to bed with the door shut.  DH struggled the first few mornings, but they found their own routine pretty quickly.  I got 2 hours of sleep before he went to work and they got to bond a bit.  They still do this and DS is 18 months old.  If I get DS up in the AM, I get the distinct impression I am doing it "wrong". 

Another thing is DH used to shower with DS.  The running water, the warm steam, the skin to skin, all seemed to calm DS down and made DH feel like he was doing something.