When to set limits?

[Calliope84]

I'm just wondering when you start to set limits... Like when do you know a baby understands enough to be made to wait in the play pen for 5-10 minutes so I can cook some food or go to the bathroom? I always pick DD up right away when she cries and we are doing everything "AP".  I honestly just feel exhausted and I need to figure out how to set some limits.

She quiets when she hears "mama is coming." and she throws a ball back to me, offers me her toys, etc. I feel like cognitively she could be ready to start to understand that she needs to wait a little sometimes. She still screams in her car seat, however. No amount of driving has gotten her used to that wait. ;(

[mckittre]

My 2.5 year old doesn't really understand it yet!  Waiting is hard, especially understanding time.  The toddler does much better with concrete sequences (first I need to do this, then that, then I'll do that thing you want me to).  That said, of course you can put a baby down if you need to.  When I have to make a crying baby wait, I just try to talk to her while I'm doing whatever, and try to make it fast.  (She's 6 months, and also happy to play on her own a lot, and I wear her a lot, so it's not too hard).  Other kinds of limits that are more concrete (like don't pull electric cords, don't touch the hot wood stove, don't yank cat tails, etc...)  I think they can understand from a fairly young age.

[cocoanib]

I'm no expert, but I do know my daughter understands.

She tends to get upset really quick if I don't get what she wants right away.

In those times, I tell her "you have to give Mama a chance to respond and be patient".

I come down to her level and tell her calm down and "tell" me what she needs. She usually points to something and/or says that. Then she waits a bit while I get it or prepare it for her.

If I don't take the time out to explain to her and ask for patience, she will meltdown pretty fast.

[azhie]

I am interested to see other mamas' responses.

My daughter is only 3 weeks old. I respond almost immediately when she cries, to change or nurse or hold her. I nurse on demand and while I enjoy it I'm pretty tired. Everyone says that is the best way to spoil a child, and that I should let her cry, because crying is good for the lungs, and also she learns not to get her way every time. Now, I did this a couple times, like when I had to brush my teeth and I heard her crying, I continued brushing, and her cries escalated. It's quite scary, and not easy to calm her down. I feel like she's used to getting what she wants immediately. For example, when I'm nursing her, and my nipple falls out of her mouth, she gets agitated and screams. And she wants to be carried all the time. I understand that she's a baby and babies want to be carried, but everyone around me has this theory that you should not carry or rock babies or else when they get used to it, they'll always want it, and then the mother is in trouble. 

My question is, if I always respond right away whenever she cries, will she get used to it as she gets older? But I'm not comfortable letting her cry it out either. Wondering how to handle this?

[prescottchels]

you didn't mention how old your baby is, but perhaps you could offer her some kitchen utensils to explore in the playpen if you're cooking. Kids like to do the same things as adults, even young babies. You could say I need to cook some food, here's a bowl and spatula for you to cook some food too. My friend's baby LOVED kitchen utensils used to carry them around like other kids carried their stuffed toys or blankies lol he always had a wooden spoon, a rubber spatula, a turkey baster...it was a different item every week...she might just need something new and interesting to play with to get you the few minutes you need to do what you need to do if you need a break from wearing her. Tell her what you're doing in the kitchen too...I'm scrambling the eggs, here they go into the pan, do hear them sizzling? They'll be so yummy! Babies like the constant commentary usually, to be engaged with in that way. Situate the playpen (or high chair/swing/bouncy seat) so she can see you and what you're doing if you can.

Good Luck!

[prescottchels]

Originally Posted by azhie 

I am interested to see other mamas' responses.

My daughter is only 3 weeks old. I respond almost immediately when she cries, to change or nurse or hold her. I nurse on demand and while I enjoy it I'm pretty tired. Everyone says that is the best way to spoil a child, and that I should let her cry, because crying is good for the lungs, and also she learns not to get her way every time. Now, I did this a couple times, like when I had to brush my teeth and I heard her crying, I continued brushing, and her cries escalated. It's quite scary, and not easy to calm her down. I feel like she's used to getting what she wants immediately. For example, when I'm nursing her, and my nipple falls out of her mouth, she gets agitated and screams. And she wants to be carried all the time. I understand that she's a baby and babies want to be carried, but everyone around me has this theory that you should not carry or rock babies or else when they get used to it, they'll always want it, and then the mother is in trouble. 

My question is, if I always respond right away whenever she cries, will she get used to it as she gets older? But I'm not comfortable letting her cry it out either. Wondering how to handle this?

azhie, welcome to Mothering!! DO NOT listen to those folks telling you that what you're doing is bad for your baby. Studies have been done on letting babies cry it out and it actually does damage to their brains!! Follow your instincts. You're on the right track! Hang out here and you'll have all the support you could ever need and more. Responding to your baby's needs immediately builds trust, confidence and independence as opposed to fear, distrust and co-dependence.

Hang in there mama! Your baby is so so tiny yet. Love her and hold her and don't let anyone tell ya different.

[Ola_]

Originally Posted by azhie 

I understand that she's a baby and babies want to be carried, but everyone around me has this theory that you should not carry or rock babies or else when they get used to it, they'll always want it, and then the mother is in trouble.

Don't you hate how everyone has their own opinion about how you should raise YOUR baby?  Actually I really disagree with this theory, as babies get older they naturally become more independent to the point where they may not want to be picked up and held by you and want to do everything on their own.  My daughter is 3.5 months old and at the beginning she needed to be held all the time, but gradually she is able to spend more time laying on her play mat with her toys or in the swing investigating the mirror above her and chatting with it.  I still go get her when she cries of course, and even then she doesn't always need to be picked up, just to have us nearby and talk to her or help her change positions (back to tummy, etc) for a different perspective.  So you are not doing anything wrong and keep following your instincts!

[azhie]

Prescottchels-- Thanks for the encouragement! :) Thank goodness for mothering.com... I don't always feel like I'm doing something wrong!

Ola_-- thanks for sharing about your daughter, gives me some confidence in my choices...

I enjoyed reading the suggestions for the OP about setting limits. Since I have no experience with babies or kids (first baby), and the relatives advising me have raised multiple kids, it's really helpful to read about other mothers' perspectives!