"It only gets harder when they get older" & "You'll never get them out of your bed"

[Detcb]

My DH and I do not see eye to eye on parenting practices. He generally tolerates me on choices such as continuing to bf and co-sleeping but periodically complains.

When the babe was 5 mo old, Dh moved out of the bedroom so he could get uninterrupted sleep. When she turned one, the plan was to put her on a twin on the floor in her own room, but much work needed to be done around this (dismantling the crib, fixing her dresser, patching some paint, etc) I requested that he do that while she and I were away visiting family, but he never did.

This led to plan B which was that when the weather got warmer he agreed to moving our mattress to the floor and bring in the twin mattress to our room so that we could all sleep in the a/c (just one window unit).

So now we are all in the same room. DH on the queen, baby on the twin and me rolling from one to the other as needed in the night. I think its great and I thought he did too, because I see how happy he is to wake up to a cheery baby saying oh hai! in the morning and pulling herself up to the window ledge to chat with the birds outside.

Then this morning I get a grumpy, "when will she be in her own room?" which played out with the arguments above in the thread title as well as a reversion to such and such is why babies sleep in cribs, don't blame me because I never did those things you asked, I don't want her to be in our bed forever. There was never a resolution. I didn't commit to anything.

I know it comes down to a few key points for him

1. He is afraid of over attachment/dependence.

2. He over shares with everyone and they share their opinions with him.

3. He thinks he and I will be intimate more frequently if she is in her own room. (I've told him that she is not the issue!)

So what do I do? I know he sees the benefits to how we have proceeded so far, but he can't seem to rely on his experience and only focuses on what we are doing 'wrong'

I like our current arrangment a lot. I don't plan to stop co-sleeping at this time.

What can I do?

(edited to remove some wording that was regretted after the initial emotions subsided and to say that the topic has not come up again yet, but that when it does I feel better prepared to attempt compromise)

Edited by Detcb - 7/21/11 at 12:58pm

[LadyCatherine185]

could you compromise a little? start her out in her own room at the beginning of the night, so you and dh get some alone, baby-free night time and bring her in once she wakes?

[Katie T]

Do you have space to set up a bed that you guys can spend time in and do the things married people do in bed lol and then go into the family bedroom when you are ready to sleep? DH sleeps in the toy room in a full size bed while the 2 youngest kids and I are in the king in our bedroom. We have this set up for several reasons, space, how early DH had to get up for work (4 am) and the fact that he lets his alarm go off for a hour every  morning (kids sleep through it, me not so much). 

Anyways we put kids to bed and then spend time together in the living room and then in "his" bed. When we are ready for sleep we kiss good night like every other couple and instead of rolling our own ways I go into the family bed. Once there are no kids in our bed we are planning on sharing a bed again but we will have to do something about the alarm. We are both happy (me-sleep, DH-space) and it works for our family.

I think you need to communicate to him that you won't stop co-sleeping (since in your post you said this if you change your mind change your wording of course) and together brain storm ideas you both like. Good luck

[Detcb]

Thank you for the suggestions so far!

Sometimes the way DH address a topic puts me at full defense and makes things feel so oppositional.

We do spend a few hours of adult time together in the evenings (more so since his Rift guild imploded     ) but perhaps if I made more of an effort at things that married people do, he'd take less offense to the family bed.

I'll throw some of these ideas out there and see what he thinks.

[Katarianna]

We spend our "adult" time in the living room. For fathers day I bought DH a liberator wedge. It was an exciting gift for him and made things easier without the bed. 

[mommy68]

I am basing my response on how my own 3 children responded to co-sleeping. The oldest two were VERY hard to get out of my bed. :(  I was a single mom with my oldest (now a teen) and he slept with me until he was 5. After that it was in and out of my bed once his dad and I married and he would give me a hard time, needed lights on, etc. He was okay by the age of 7 pretty much. Same with child # 2. She was a co-sleeper, in fact, she was a very BAD sleeper early on. I rarely slept the first two years of her life. She was just a hard baby all the way around. Now at age 9 she is in her own bed but still at times prefers the couch or camping out in the livingroom on the floor because I refuse to let her back in my bed. Baby # 3 is now 21 months old and just has started wanting to get in bed with me. It started out of the blue two months ago. I don't know why?? She was content sleeping alone and started having issues with the crib, then I switched to a toddler bed and it's only gotten worse. I am divorced from my kids dad at this point and I hear she does well at his house when they stay overnights but at home she will only sleep in her bed for a few hours and always wants to get in my bed with me. I don't mind at all, but I am dating someone and if it were to get serious in the next few months or even a year or more, I would be concerned about having a child in my bed that I have a hard time getting out. But right now I am content and okay with her sleeping with me as needed. :)  I just don't understand why now at almost 2 years old she is suddenly wanting to do it.

But I am proof that they will get to the point of not wanting to leave the parent/family bed. It's not as easy as one may think it is. And I too got the rude comments over the years. But as it turned out, each child was spread out in age to the point of it not really mattering too much. And my kids dad and I never slept in the same bed together the entire time we were married anyway so it was never an issue. I had my own bedroom anyway. :)

[Detcb]

Originally Posted by mommy68 

But I am proof that they will get to the point of not wanting to leave the parent/family bed. It's not as easy as one may think it is. And I too got the rude comments over the years. But as it turned out, each child was spread out in age to the point of it not really mattering too much. And my kids dad and I never slept in the same bed together the entire time we were married anyway so it was never an issue. I had my own bedroom anyway. :)

Having not been there yet, I guess I did assume that there would be an indefinite point where she would naturally want her own sleeping space. I never coslept (ever!) as a child, so this is all around new. Do you think your older children would still want to bedshare if you hadn't made an effort to transition them?

separatley- we have a guest room that we occasionally utilize, so having a place isn't the issue.

[Katarianna]

Originally Posted by mommy68 

I am basing my response on how my own 3 children responded to co-sleeping. The oldest two were VERY hard to get out of my bed. :(  I was a single mom with my oldest (now a teen) and he slept with me until he was 5. After that it was in and out of my bed once his dad and I married and he would give me a hard time, needed lights on, etc. He was okay by the age of 7 pretty much. Same with child # 2. She was a co-sleeper, in fact, she was a very BAD sleeper early on. I rarely slept the first two years of her life. She was just a hard baby all the way around. Now at age 9 she is in her own bed but still at times prefers the couch or camping out in the livingroom on the floor because I refuse to let her back in my bed. Baby # 3 is now 21 months old and just has started wanting to get in bed with me. It started out of the blue two months ago. I don't know why?? She was content sleeping alone and started having issues with the crib, then I switched to a toddler bed and it's only gotten worse. I am divorced from my kids dad at this point and I hear she does well at his house when they stay overnights but at home she will only sleep in her bed for a few hours and always wants to get in my bed with me. I don't mind at all, but I am dating someone and if it were to get serious in the next few months or even a year or more, I would be concerned about having a child in my bed that I have a hard time getting out. But right now I am content and okay with her sleeping with me as needed. :)  I just don't understand why now at almost 2 years old she is suddenly wanting to do it.

But I am proof that they will get to the point of not wanting to leave the parent/family bed. It's not as easy as one may think it is. And I too got the rude comments over the years. But as it turned out, each child was spread out in age to the point of it not really mattering too much. And my kids dad and I never slept in the same bed together the entire time we were married anyway so it was never an issue. I had my own bedroom anyway. :)

I would not say this is "proof" that this is what the OP is in for, just that it does happen. That said I know a LOT of people who co-sleep and their children went to their own beds just fine, and I know a lot of people who did everything they could to keep their children out of their beds and they wanted to be there anyway. I do not believe and would never let anyone convince me that co-sleeping will end badly every time.

[Asiago]

Ah, I wish my in-laws could speak to your husband  They are huge proponents of co-sleeping. They did so with all three of their children, who are now in their 30's and 40's, and all co-slept with thier own kids too. Apparently when my MIL came here from Europe she brought her traditions with her, she said her American pediatrician tried to talk her out of the co-sleeping and she promptly told him to mind his bee's wax. I suppose with all of the Dr. Luther Holt and Dr. Benjamin Spock input way back then, it was not the easiest to go against the grain ...or actually to just follow natural instincts.

[MrsBone]

well, I can tell you from my experience, DH and I didn't see eye too eye on parenting either, but we are starting to sort of merge our opinions as we brought our second into the world and are dealing with a toddler! DH wasn't too keen on extended bf-ing either, and thought nursing past 6 months or a year was weird. He got over that quick. When he realized that I was the only person who could comfort DS, he welcomed it. He wasn't home much, so didnt have a lot of time to figure out how to comfort DS. Now that DS is 2 1/2 and weaned, he's stepped in big time. But, our marriage suffered a little while I was nursing DS because we coslept, and DH didnt mind, but i suffered from postpartum depression and my sex drive was zilch. He chalked it up to the cosleeping, and I didn't know what too chalk it up to, I just had no sex drive whatsoever. That was our biggest issue. What did we do? We got pregnant again when DS was 21 months and I had to wean him because my nipples were sore. After we got through that we worked on getting DS in his own bed, which took several weeks, but we did it and now he sleeps fine on his own. We both agreed on this arrangement because I knew I didn't want to tandem nurse, and I knew I didn't want to have 2 babies in my bed because I'm such a light sleeper. Well, we have 8 week old DD now, who is an excellent sleeper, and sleeps in her own room. More for my sake than hers because I had a rough time cosleeping with DS. I don't have any real advice, except just keep doing what you feel comfortable with. DH should come around like mine did, but if not, you can have the conversation again in the future.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Katarianna 

I would not say this is "proof" that this is what the OP is in for, just that it does happen. That said I know a LOT of people who co-sleep and their children went to their own beds just fine, and I know a lot of people who did everything they could to keep their children out of their beds and they wanted to be there anyway. I do not believe and would never let anyone convince me that co-sleeping will end badly every time.

Ditto this. *I* did not cosleep when I was a baby/toddler, but just like the PP's kids, I always wanted to be in my parents bed. When I was ~preschool age, I'd mange to get my way into the bed; when I was a bit older, I'd sleep on the floor of their room, and in my preteen/teen years, I slept on the couch. (There was a lot of intervention from the pediatrician in all this). Can't say I ever slept in my own bed much until I got married (and technically, that's not my OWN bed either!!) But co-sleeping had nothing to do with that, I slept in a crib when I was younger, so this can happen either way, and I like to think that if kids are allowed to cosleep & move out of the family bed when they are ready, maybe they won't keep trying to come back (just my opinion though, I have no evidence of this!)

[lifeguard]

Dh & I were not totally sold on co-sleeping. It wasn't really our intention but was what worked out best for us. We had MANY conversations worrying about how we would ever get our bed back. I think a big part of it is that most people are not familiar with co-sleeping & there is a lot of "stories" of children not wanting to leave or families where the children are in the parents bed with the parents unhappy about it.

We have found (with ds at least) that when he was ready transitioning him to his own bed was actually really easy. We had him in his own bed for the first part of the night & then in ours after his first wake-up for months & months. Slowly he slept longer stretches & now he usually only comes to our bed in the early morning a couple nights a week. It is a slow process but it also was not traumatic or upsetting for any of us.

I think talking about what the long-term goals are is reassuring for some of us. Knowing that the intention is not to continue this way forever but only for as long as it is working.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by Detcb 

Having not been there yet, I guess I did assume that there would be an indefinite point where she would naturally want her own sleeping space. I never coslept (ever!) as a child, so this is all around new. Do you think your older children would still want to bedshare if you hadn't made an effort to transition them?

separatley- we have a guest room that we occasionally utilize, so having a place isn't the issue.

 You may be right though. Just because mine didn't transition so smoothly (the older two) doesn't mean another person would go through the same. I just remember people telling me all the time when my oldest was a toddler that I better get him out of my bed or else I'd never have any privacy or get any rest for years. I didn't listen and did it anyway and still would have done it anyway even if I thought my kids would have slept with me til high school probably. I just liked having them close like that when they were little.

[D_McG]

I have 3 kids.   Here cosleeping is a given as an infant/young toddler and with my older 2 we transitioned them out around 2.  With my second it was pretty easy. With my first (now 5) he'd still sleep with us  if he could.  But he can't and that's just how it is.  We're very firm and it's not like he sobs about it every day or anything.  I just know he loves to sleep with us and before we had our new baby he came in once a week or so.

I think you need to compromise with your DH on this.  I would HELP HIM move her out for at least part of the night.  I always felt it had to be a joint effort seeing as cosleeping was partly for my benefit.  

I wouldn't cosleep if it meant sleeping separately from my DH.  The only people who HAVE together are me and him.  A baby sleeping with us is a bonus.  A toddler is a maybe.  Preschool/K age we generally discourage or flat out forbid like now when we have a newborn.  

My point is, everyone has to establish these kinds of rules for themselves.  But you have to do it as a couple.  I know it's the internet and all but you're coming across as being condescending to your DH and that can't be good if it's true IRL, too.

[seraf]

My kids both happily sleep in their own beds. As they approached 6, it was decided that they would move into their own beds. I don't feel comfortable with a young child being alone if the house catches fire. I recognize that it's my issue, they are allowed to sleep in separate beds if they want before that, but it's not a huge desire.

That said, it is a family decision, but if I had a partner who expected my nursing baby to sleep elsewhere, I would ask them to be responsible to go get that baby every time she woke to nurse. And if they wanted the baby back in another room after nursing, they could be responsible for that, too. I wouldn't make it easy, I feel strongly about co-sleeping.

[coffeegirl]

Originally Posted by Detcb 

I know it comes down to a few key points for him

1. He is afraid of over attachment/dependence. (I believe letting a baby be a baby, extended nursing and co-sleeping will make her more secure and independent when it's developmentally appropriate)

2. He over shares with everyone and they share their opinions with him.

3. He thinks he and I will be intimate more frequently if she is in her own room. (I've told him that she is not the issue!)

So what do I do? I know he sees the benefits to how we have proceeded so far, but he can't seem to rely on his experience and only focuses on what we are doing 'wrong'

I like our current arrangment a lot. I don't plan to stop co-sleeping at this time.

What can I do?

I agree with the suggestion to try some sort of compromise, and also to listen to and respect how your husband feels about this. Not saying that you don't already, but the comment above ("I like our current arrangment a lot. I don't plan to stop co-sleeping at this time") makes it sound like you've already decided that you're not willing to budge on this.

Also, just a hunch, but #3. up above is probably a bigger issue w/ your DH than maybe is apparent on the surface. If I were you I'd address that one and try to reach some kind of understanding or compromise or something. If co-sleeping isn't the problem there, then maybe you could try to talk with him about whatever the problem actually is on that front.  

[milkybean]

DS is 7, and just got his own bed 6 months ago.  Sure he shows up at some point most mornings, but that's OK.  I think he gets cold.  The other issue is that the preferred bathroom is in the master bedroom, and he tends to get up to pee, and then just doesn't want to go back to his room since it's so cozy in the big bed.

But I'm not worried at all.  I know very well that as he gets older he'll want more and more privacy, and that even these days will fade away.  I'm meeting his needs now, and for the most part I've noticed that by doing that, he doesn't revisit them once he's done with them.