How long will I need help from my mother?

[mamasmith]

Hey mamas!

So... My mom lives in another state and is coming for the birth of our daughter and will be staying for a while after the birth to help me as a first time mother. 

My husband is freaking because we keep throwing out phrases like "she'll be here for 2-3 weeks"...  my question is will we even need her here that long?  I have no idea how to care for a baby.  I plan on having her to teach me breastfeeding, changing diapers, bathing, sleeping, everything.  From your first time experience, how long do you think I'll need "help" with this new tiny life?! 

His mother is coming for a week as well, and how it looks now is we'll have my mom for 2-3 weeks and his mom for a week directly after... this leaves us NO time alone for almost a month  :(  I don't know how to make everyone happy.  It's becoming an issue. 

[LivingSky]

I can't give you advice from experience because this is my first baby as well, but I can tell you what we're doing. We're in basically the same situation. My mom is coming out and will stay for pretty much however long we want her to stay. DH's mom lives closer and will come up pretty much whenever we ask her to, I think.

For now, we've decided to play it by ear. So much depends on when baby is even born. I'm positive that having extra help around here with cooking and cleaning is going to be absolutely invaluable. We are on a farm and there's so much work to be done on a daily basis that without help I think DH would get overwhelmed in those first few weeks. But we've been very clear with both moms that when we say "Please go away now" that they are going to do exactly that

We do have an added benefit of having a 5th wheel trailer on the property so the parents won't be living in the house with us. That gives us some breathing room. Is that sort of thing an option for you? Could your mom or DH's mom stay soomewhere close by but not actually in the house with you, so that if you need a day off you can have one?

[McGucks]

When I had my first son, I was horrified at the idea of anyone being around and had to very tactfully ask my dad and stepmother to give us a good week so I could get my bearings.  However, if you want your mom around, you might really want to consider limiting the time she stays and/or seeing if she could stay in a hotel.  Yes, you will have questions and need support...but you and your husband will need some alone time to bond with your baby and each other in your new roles as "mom" and "dad."  I would've gone crazy if I had a mother-in-law in the house.  I would also say to consider having a couple day's cushion before your husband's mom arrives.  Though you may think you will need a ton of help, the help you may need may not be what these women want to provide.  You need time with your child.  You need to NOT be doing dishes, cleaning, laundry, etc.  Your baby will need tons of 1-1 time with you, and you need to be as comfortable as possible...I was not comfortable with an audience.  Diaper changing?  You'll be a master within 48 hours.  Bathing?  With a wet cloth for a week or two.  Breastfeeding?  Do you have a friend/La Leche League leader/lactation consultant?  If you limit yourself to your mom's advice or mother-in-law's, you will also limit the social relationships and support systems you may need once those folks leave.  I am afraid your husband will feel like a third wheel with the moms staying with you for so long.  You will both have parenting instincts that won't surface unless you have some time to figure things out together.  AND--a big one--you CAN'T make everyone happy.  Your goals at the beginning are only to stay sane and keep your baby happy.  Keeping my mother-in-law happy was NOT on my list of priorities.  After my second son was born, I set super-clear boundaries about her not being allowed to "drop by," though I did make sure she got to see the baby at least once a week.  I would not have been able to function had she been over here a lot and been on my back.  That was just my experience, though.

Gotta go...good luck...interested to see whatever folks think.

p.s.:  If you have a c/s, you may indeed need more help than your husband can provide, especially if he can't be there during the day...how long will he have to be home?

[mamasmith]

They will have to stay in the house... that's why it's becoming an issue!  My mom really doesn't want to miss the birth, so my parent's are coming on the 12th... I'm due on the 15th.  We don't even have a guest bedroom!  They will be staying in the living room, so they will always be there.  I really wish that they could rent a cabin or a house or something.  It's just so much money!  And I'm always feeling guilty... I'm always trying to make everyone happy.  I think we might just have to accept the fact that if we want alone time, we'll have to send them to the mall or something! 

[stellabluz]

Originally Posted by caedenmomma 

When I had my first son, I was horrified at the idea of anyone being around and had to very tactfully ask my dad and stepmother to give us a good week so I could get my bearings.  However, if you want your mom around, you might really want to consider limiting the time she stays and/or seeing if she could stay in a hotel.  Yes, you will have questions and need support...but you and your husband will need some alone time to bond with your baby and each other in your new roles as "mom" and "dad."  I would've gone crazy if I had a mother-in-law in the house.  I would also say to consider having a couple day's cushion before your husband's mom arrives.  Though you may think you will need a ton of help, the help you may need may not be what these women want to provide.  You need time with your child.  You need to NOT be doing dishes, cleaning, laundry, etc.  Your baby will need tons of 1-1 time with you, and you need to be as comfortable as possible...I was not comfortable with an audience.  Diaper changing?  You'll be a master within 48 hours.  Bathing?  With a wet cloth for a week or two.  Breastfeeding?  Do you have a friend/La Leche League leader/lactation consultant?  If you limit yourself to your mom's advice or mother-in-law's, you will also limit the social relationships and support systems you may need once those folks leave.  I am afraid your husband will feel like a third wheel with the moms staying with you for so long.  You will both have parenting instincts that won't surface unless you have some time to figure things out together.  AND--a big one--you CAN'T make everyone happy.  Your goals at the beginning are only to stay sane and keep your baby happy.  Keeping my mother-in-law happy was NOT on my list of priorities.  After my second son was born, I set super-clear boundaries about her not being allowed to "drop by," though I did make sure she got to see the baby at least once a week.  I would not have been able to function had she been over here a lot and been on my back.  That was just my experience, though.

Gotta go...good luck...interested to see whatever folks think.

p.s.:  If you have a c/s, you may indeed need more help than your husband can provide, especially if he can't be there during the day...how long will he have to be home?

I think the worst thing you can do is overload yourself with everyone elses' needs. All your babe needs is you and papa. I start to get really anxious and overwhelmed when visitors, family included, come to visit and stay too long, and I am really a laid back person in general. I get really "give me back my baby!", I think it is my mama bear instinct, but most importantly it is how fleeting those first few weeks are. Baby sleeps a lot and is morphing from freshling to newborn. I would not want to chance missing those awesome first weeks by worrying or trying to establish your space. I think you are already hinting at an uncomfortable situation and should set up some clear guidelines. Dont forget about your man either, he might not be as vocal about it, but he needs this baby bliss time to and there is nothin like another grandma sayin "oh give me that baby" to burst it.

[HidaShara]

I think it depends on your relationship with your mother and how much your DP is going to be helping out.  Me, if I could have convinced my mum to move in with us, I would have!

DH was around a fair amount to help fetch me food & drink while I was basically confined to the couch for 24h-a-day feeding for those first two weeks (also letting me shower, have sitz baths, nap, etc.) and that second set of hands is invaluable.  I was not going to cook or clean ANYTHING for those two weeks. If your DP won't be there to pick up the slack, you will want someone else.  

But for me, I also wanted the COMPANY. I am NOT an alone person.  I did not want nice quiet alone time to watch TV or whatever with my baby.  I wanted conversation and company during pretty much every waking hour.  I arranged to have DH, my sisters, my mother, friends, etc. to be by any time they could.  That whole "don't bug a pregnant women for several weeks" thing everyone recommends would have wrecked me.  Omg I didn't want time alone at all.  Newborn babies are very dull and they really prefer to be held or nursed 100% of the time.  So while you are sitting there holding baby it's nice to be entertained.

That's just me. :)

[HidaShara]

Originally Posted by HidaShara 

But for me, I also wanted the COMPANY. I am NOT an alone person.  I did not want nice quiet alone time to watch TV or whatever with my baby.  I wanted conversation and company during pretty much every waking hour.  I arranged to have DH, my sisters, my mother, friends, etc. to be by any time they could.  That whole "don't bug a pregnant women for several weeks" thing everyone recommends would have wrecked me.  Omg I didn't want time alone at all.  Newborn babies are very dull and they really prefer to be held or nursed 100% of the time.  So while you are sitting there holding baby it's nice to be entertained.

That's just me. :)

I should say (also 'cause so many women don't crave company the way I do) that there's a difference for me between "visitors" who expect to be waited on and to be allowed to hold the baby, etc., and close friends and family who are there FOR YOU and not to get a turn to hold a baby.  DD1 was nursing 45 mins out of every hour for the first long time. I was just stuck on the couch nursing A LOT.  I didn't want someone to come and take the baby away or expect to be served lunch: I wanted someone who would sit on the couch with me and knit/gossip/talk with me. :)

[LivingSky]

Originally Posted by HidaShara 

I should say (also 'cause so many women don't crave company the way I do) that there's a difference for me between "visitors" who expect to be waited on and to be allowed to hold the baby, etc., and close friends and family who are there FOR YOU and not to get a turn to hold a baby.  DD1 was nursing 45 mins out of every hour for the first long time. I was just stuck on the couch nursing A LOT.  I didn't want someone to come and take the baby away or expect to be served lunch: I wanted someone who would sit on the couch with me and knit/gossip/talk with me. :)

This is precisely why I want my mom around. And, uhmm, not really DH's mom. With my mom, I know that she will be here to do all of the things I don't want to/can't do. She will cook. She will clean. She will run errands and bring me drinks and feed the animals and whatever else I need of her, and she'll do it all without me asking her to. Because she's awesome like that I would go absolutely bonkers if I had someone staying with us that was high maintenance though. And I would definitely veto anyone living in the house with us I know it's expensive, but a hotel room could really save your sanity and head off a lot of hurt feelings before they happen.

Just try to remember that this time is NOT about pleasing everyone else, it's about what is best for you, DH and baby.

[mamasmith]

Thanks for all the advice ladies.  I am really really close with my mom and miss her a lot... I KNOW I'll need her those first couple weeks.  DH has been vocal about the length of the visit, but I don't think he realizes how much help she will be (cooking, cleaning, etc).  I have decided to ask my parents to stay in a hotel until she is born, then "move in" after the birth.  That way, we get our space and our help too.  My parents might be out a few hundred bucks, but I think they can manage.  Luckily, my mom understands. 

My MIL is a really sweet woman who is very willing to help too.  She is a nurse and loves to help out.  I'm just afraid by the time she gets here, we will be "companied out" and won't really need her around anymore.  She cannot afford a hotel, no matter what.  So I know she'll be here the whole week.  She is so sweet and has offered to not stay so long, but that means she'll have to rebook her flight, and I just can't ask her to do that with her money situation.

We've decided to just "deal with it"... luckily, our house is 2 stories, so we can escape to our bedroom upstairs if we need a night alone or want to watch a movie in peace.  I'm a talker, so I look forward to the company... I just want DH to enjoy this time too without mother overload!  I'll take your advice and make sure he is getting plenty of daddy time in too. 

[Adaline'sMama]

DDCC,
I know you said that you are just going to "deal" with it, but I really encourage you to ask your mother to only stay for 7-10 days and then have a break between the time that your mother leaves and his mother arrives. First of all, you will be surprised at how quickly you learn to take care of a baby. I love my stepmom to pieces and she was here for a week (not even staying in my house!) and by the end of the week, I was really glad for her to go so that I could start to do things on my own with my new baby. DH really needed time alone with just me and the baby to bond. Those last couple of days before she left he didnt even understand why he was home. He felt like he should just go ahead and go to work, since we were all occupied and he was feeling overwhelmed with company. 4 weeks is a really long time for the Daddy to have pretty much no alone time with his kid and wife. The first month is so precious and special, you and your DH deserve some of that all to yourselves.

I think becoming and parent for the first time is such a wonderful process and I can see how you want to share it with your mother. But for me, it was a really big moment of coming in to my own and finding a balance with my daughter that I cannot imagine having someone there for the first entire month.

Also, I know that you like your MIL, and I before I get flamed Im going to add a disclaimer that I dont hate all health care professionals. Grandmas can sometimes be SUPER concerned about their grandchild and not take your decisions as seriously as you would hope. I would be cautious of having a nurse stay in my house for the first few weeks because if you have any problems with breastfeeding it is likely (1st because she is a grandma and she cares about her grandchild, second because she is a nurse) that is will push you to supplement, even if you may not need to. My whole family pushed me to supplement when my milk had not arrived by day 3 and they were ALL very pro breastfeeding. Its just something to consider. I would make my decisions very very clear beforehand.

[Katarianna]

I had ONE friend come here to stay just in case. I didn't need her though. By my second day home I was back to normal for the most part. I am not sure I would be having your mother do all those things honestly. You have to find a rhythm. You can't do that if someone is trying to do everything for you.

[artekah]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

DDCC,
I know you said that you are just going to "deal" with it, but I really encourage you to ask your mother to only stay for 7-10 days and then have a break between the time that your mother leaves and his mother arrives.

I second this. I was going to suggest you ask your mom to stay the first 10 days, then have a 1-2 week "babymoon" with only you, baby and DH before his mom comes.

With my first, my mom came 4 days after the birth and because of her work schedule, she only stayed for 4 days--this was not long enough and I wished I'd had more help that first couple weeks. 7-10 days would have been perfect! But any longer than that really would have encroached on our private family time, much as I love my mom, get along with her perfectly, and she was an awesome help around the house.

After she left we had a couple weeks on our own before my in-laws showed up, and that time with no house guests was so precious. It's really important for you to have some space to establish your new family, and especially for your DH to bond with the baby and develop confidence as a parent. The only way to really do this is to be on your own for a while, figuring it out for yourself how to create the best partnership with DH. And then by the time your MIL arrives, you'll be ready again to have a helping hand but you'll still have gotten some of that precious alone time, which IMO is really important.

Your mom and MIL don't have to be pushy or intrusive for your DH to accidentally get left out of things. I think most first-time dads would tend to defer to women when it comes to baby things, and out of inexperience/insecurity, your DH might not be as hands-on with the baby if he doesn't have to. (Obviously depends on the guy, but in general.) He hasn't been carrying the baby for 9 months already, and he doesn't have boobs, so he will have more of a learning curve than you. With nobody else around he will be forced to jump right in with baby care and will start off as a great dad because of it.

My DH has the sweetest and fondest memories of holding our baby and learning how to care for him on his own when it was just us and our newborn in the house. He still talks about it! So that's my 2 cents.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by radicaleel 

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

DDCC,
I know you said that you are just going to "deal" with it, but I really encourage you to ask your mother to only stay for 7-10 days and then have a break between the time that your mother leaves and his mother arrives.

I second this. I was going to suggest you ask your mom to stay the first 10 days, then have a 1-2 week "babymoon" with only you, baby and DH before his mom comes.

With my first, my mom came 4 days after the birth and because of her work schedule, she only stayed for 4 days--this was not long enough and I wished I'd had more help that first couple weeks. 7-10 days would have been perfect! But any longer than that really would have encroached on our private family time, much as I love my mom, get along with her perfectly, and she was an awesome help around the house.

After she left we had a couple weeks on our own before my in-laws showed up, and that time with no house guests was so precious. It's really important for you to have some space to establish your new family, and especially for your DH to bond with the baby and develop confidence as a parent. The only way to really do this is to be on your own for a while, figuring it out for yourself how to create the best partnership with DH. And then by the time your MIL arrives, you'll be ready again to have a helping hand but you'll still have gotten some of that precious alone time, which IMO is really important.

Your mom and MIL don't have to be pushy or intrusive for your DH to accidentally get left out of things. I think most first-time dads would tend to defer to women when it comes to baby things, and out of inexperience/insecurity, your DH might not be as hands-on with the baby if he doesn't have to. (Obviously depends on the guy, but in general.) He hasn't been carrying the baby for 9 months already, and he doesn't have boobs, so he will have more of a learning curve than you. With nobody else around he will be forced to jump right in with baby care and will start off as a great dad because of it.

My DH has the sweetest and fondest memories of holding our baby and learning how to care for him on his own when it was just us and our newborn in the house. He still talks about it! So that's my 2 cents.

Absolutely to the bolded. My DH remembers sweet little moments like me needing to shower and him having a few minutes all alone with her. He remembers the first time that I was napping and he smelled poopy diaper. He had to figure out how to change her on his own and he put her dipe on backwards! SO CUTE!
And there were lots of moments like this, where if my mom had been there, she would have taken the baby to "let david rest". All he wanted in the world was to hold her and worship her awesomness.

[Katarianna]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 




Absolutely to the bolded. My DH remembers sweet little moments like me needing to shower and him having a few minutes all alone with her. He remembers the first time that I was napping and he smelled poopy diaper. He had to figure out how to change her on his own and he put her dipe on backwards! SO CUTE!
And there were lots of moments like this, where if my mom had been there, she would have taken the baby to "let david rest". All he wanted in the world was to hold her and worship her awesomness.

Is your husband in the military by any chance?

[Narleegates]

I'm in the opposite boat, since DH is gone, my moms insisting that I move in with her for a few weeks after baby comes, I have my own room and everything, but my family drives me absolute bonkers after a few days, and MIL is coming into town ASAP, because it's her first grandbaby.  She always stays in a hotel, but in my head I'm just like "can't I just go it alone?" lol I know I'll probably be singing a different tune once baby is here, but still.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by Katarianna 

Is your husband in the military by any chance?

No, that is just the color of his work shirt. He's a landscaper.

[amayhew]

My MIL arrived the day baby came, and my own mom lives 5 minutes away. I'm actually on bedrest right now, so it is a HUGE help having her here and she'll be here for 10 more days. My mom is coming over today to take care of me while everyone has a day at the beach. We get along great, so I wouldn't mind if she stayed forever. My own mom, kinda gets on my nerves sometimes..lol.

[~Katie~]

What do you envision for your post-partum period? What kind of experience do you want to look back on when you remember your baby's first few weeks? I say that because as a first time mom, those first few weeks go by SO FAST and for me personally, not having things go the way I wanted left me with a lot of regret. Same applies for your DH.

Before my first was born my IL's were really unclear about when they'd visit. They ended up coming for 4 days right after we came home from the hospital and I would have done it very differently if I could do it over again, even 4 days so soon after birth was too much. As well intentioned as they were, I had to listen to my MIL telling me to switch to formula while we were having breastfeeding trouble and I was in horrific pain. She sat on my couch for 4 days holding my son and I had to wrestle him away from her just to feed him because "didn't he just eat?", thus encouraging more breastfeeding trouble. She was far too critical of the decisions we made as parents and I went away feeling very resentful of losing out on enjoying that time with my baby.

I'm not saying your experience will be like mine, but I was like you and wanted to make sure everyone was happy and comfortable. Your job as a new mother is not to worry about anyone else but yourself and your new baby, you don't need to be concerned about making anybody else happy. People are there to take care of YOU. They're not there to hold the baby and sit on your couch while you have a sink full of dishes and loads of laundry piling up, so it's important to make sure everyone is aware of what you need them to do before they arrive. You will end up stressed and burned out and nobody should have to spend those first few weeks like that. You may also feel very differently after the baby comes (mama bear instinct) so trust your feelings about having extra people around.

You may think you have to learn everything from your mom, but put some trust in yourself as well. Baby care is fairly easy to figure out, and you've carried this baby for 9 months just fine so trust that you can continue to help them flourish after birth. As far as breastfeeding help, it's extremely important that you have a network of professionals to turn to. As good intentioned as the advice may be, if it's out-dated or inaccurate it will do more harm than good. Have you read any books, like The Baby Book by Dr Sears?

[McGucks]

Here is a thought:  everyone has such different experiences.  You can't predict what you will want or need.  Can you keep the visit schedule/duration/arrival VERY loose?  Say something like, "We would love to have you here (or whatever).  Please know that we love you and want you to be part of this child's life.  We will also need to keep the schedule for your stay open--we may need help for a few days or a couple weeks; please be flexible with us as we determine what we and the baby need." 

Perhaps you could schedule family visitors for a shorter time, then extend it IF you want and IF DH is comfortable with extending?

If there's any way you can introduce some flexibility into the visits, it may be a burden lifted at the time. 

[mamasmith]

I ended up talking to my mom about it and feel a lot better.  I gave her specific "rules" and turns out she knew them all along!  I told her:

-Mom and Dad stay in hotel before baby is born so DH and I can nest

-Mom is caregiver/ co-coach during labor and will leave DH and me alone with baby for first hour (or however long we need) for family bonding

-Mom can stay in our house for 7-10 days or until we feel her help is unneeded or we need to be alone (they have not scheduled their flight home, so this is good... dad will probably fly back a couple days after birth)

-Mom will help clean and cook mostly

-Mom will "guide" me when I need support, but let me learn to take care of baby on my own  (yes, I'm reading 2 Sears books now)

I'm so glad I was just upfront and honest with her about these things.  I feel so much better now knowing we are both on the same page.  My mom is one of my best friends, and I know I'll enjoy her company.  I talked to DH about the "rules" and he thinks they are great.  My mom was actually the one telling me that he needed to bond with baby too and that she would mostly "be around" in case we need her.  I also clarified things with my MIL.  And she is willing to change her flight, make her trip shorter, etc if we need.  She is REALLY being flexible and I love her for it.  I am very blessed to have parents that are understanding and patient!  The important thing is their love.  And maybe their banana bread.