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CIO in the car and I HATE IT!!! - Page 7

post #121 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by changingseasons View Post

I don't know why what I said is so offensive. I'm not telling anyone they are a bad parent because their baby cries. My babies cry. I try and make them feel better as much as humanly possible. If you can't make them feel better, then you can't. But for me personally? Letting an infant scream when there is something I can do about it is not ok. For me personally, my almost-4yo has the mental capacity to understand that she might have to miss a class if baby is too upset to be in the car. My infant, on the other hand, does NOT have the cognition to understand that I can't touch her for 20 minutes while she screams because we "have" to be in the car for my (almost)4yo. If we're 2 miles from home and baby starts crying, I will continue driving. But if baby is screaming when we get into the car to leave, I wait until she's ok to drive. Sometimes that takes a while, and it sure is a pita, but that's what I feel is important.


The concern that I and other posters have in this discussion is that after a while, the 4 yo is no longer going to patiently understand that their life has to stop because of the baby's needs trumping their own.  The suggestion has been thrown around more than once that the whole family may very well end up being confined to home for as long as it takes for baby to no longer cry in ther carseat (possibly up to 6 months?)  The average 4, 5, 6 yo kid may be able to understand occassional disappointment at not getting to go to a much enjoyed event, but if that is going to happen daily for up to 6 months how on earth is it not understandable (and even perfectly justified) that the older child will begin to seriously feel undervalued and resentful of systematically losing out to their new sibling?

 

My boys were almost 5 when our new baby was born, they understood that some stuff was going to change but it was still really hard for them to get used to the additional loss of our parental attention and time.  Suddenly they had to be quiet a lot more so as not to wake the baby up, and remember to be gentle around the baby, and be told a lot to give us a few minutes while we took care of the baby.  If we had also told them that we would no longer be going places outside the house because the baby cried too much in the carseat/stroller/carrier (because he cried in all of those) the likelihood of them experiencing significant emotional harm as a result would have been far greater than I would have been comfortable with risking.  It doesn't matter how much we tried to reassure them that we still loved them too and that it was necessary to keep the baby happy, at that age kids simply do not have the intellectual capacity to dig that deep and put aside their own feelings in order to brush aside their own needs and wants.

 

Which is why I have repeatedly pointed out that there has to be a balancing of everyone's needs (and even wants from time to time) in order to try and keep the family healthy and happy as a whole.  If that means that sometimes baby cries in the carseat so that the kids can go to school or summer camp or grandma's house or whatever then sometimes it just has to happen.  We all do our best to make the situation as comfortable for everyone and to soldier through so that we can get it over with.  And I will continue to disagree with the assertion that our attempts to soothe the baby when he cries is the carseat during those trips are either fruitless or similar to (or the same as) CIO. 
 

 

post #122 of 154

I'm feeling compelled to put down my own thoughts, after reading so many of the posts here... I have to be honest, I haven't read through them all for lack of time right now, and, not to mention that I am feeling disappointed about how judgemental some of them seem to be and I just found myself getting bothered by it...

 

I'll start by saying that I absolutely and completely feel empathy for anyone who has to experience a baby crying incessantly while riding in the car.  My DS is almost a year old now and for 99% of the time he is great in the car, BUT, it wasn't always like this.  From about 4 weeks until 7 months old, he hated the car.  It was so difficult to go anywhere with him, so I basically only went when I felt like I could handle it.  It made it hard to get out to do appointments, errands, etc.  Plus, my parents live 1 hour away from me, but they were rarely able to come visit me in the early months (my mom doesn't drive in the city, and my dad was recovering from cancer treatments), so that meant we had to go to them if we wanted to see each other.  While my DH could do the errands when he came home from work, it was the visits with my family that I most needed...

 

Most of the time, I couldn't drive more than a few minutes before the crying started.  As a new parent, I was bewildered as to what to do--everything I had read said that babies found it soothing; well this isn't the case I now know (from my own experience and reading it here!).  I really felt isolated, because in addition to the car he also hated the stroller and baby carriers (I tried so many kinds).  To make things worse, he didn't like anything but a minimal amount of clothing/blankets, especially anything on his head-- I found ways to keep him warm in the winter when we did make trips out, but at first glance one would think I was being neglectful because of seemingly under-dressing him. His crying was so intense during these times, and it actually seemed to hurt my head somewhere deep inside, like a physical pain shooting through... and everyone else agreed that he had a very loud, strong cry.  Oy!   I still tried to get out of the house as much as I good because I knew it was good for my all-around health (I have to be especially careful of what I do because of a past history of anxiety and depression), but sometimes I just didn't have the inner coping resources/energy and other times I found that it wasn't fair to my DS to subject him to the discomfort more than once a day.  It was hard to pass up opportunities for friendship and support through the mom's groups that I was invited to (I had to work on creating a new community for myself, of women who were mothers, since most of my friends pre-baby were childless) and I certainly wasn't getting out to see the good friends I already had.  I definitely had some days where I felt depressed, lonely, and unsure of myself in my parenting role--and I didn't know if/when I would ever feel like I could enjoy a dog walk with my DS, or a fun jaunt to the mall, etc.  But yes, at 7 months, things changed-- I was so happy that I again do some of these things that I enjoy!

 

Anyway, I won't go into the things I found helpful during that spell, since so many people have already posted some great things... I just wanted to say that I totally understand that things like this can be very upsetting to a parent, and I don't think it is helpful to create a sort of continuum of 'how bad things are'.  We experience things differently, we have good days and some not-so-good ones, and we really don't know what it is like to be in another person's shoes... I sure hope that anybody who posts on here, whether they are looking for guidance or simply a listening ear, that they receive nothing but compassion and warmth.  Let's leave the judgements of us as women and mothers, out of it. 

post #123 of 154
My baby was/is exactly the same. He is 10 months now. Sometimes radio static works, or this Latin guitar cd I have, and I considered a DVD player. I actually put him front facing and it solved it. I know it's not good, but I was desperate. I would keep singing and talking to him, so it's not like CIO, and try the DVD player. The Latin cd I used that worked until 7 or 8 months for us is called rodrigo y Gabriela.
post #124 of 154

I haven't taken the time to read all the posts(there are quite a few!) so I don't know if someone has already suggested this, but have you tried a pacifier? My DS is 2 months, and there is like a 10-15 min window where he will be quiet, but after that his patience is gone, so we keep a pacifier near by to offer him, and sometimes it works! lol It is rough to have them scream and not be able to soothe them, but it really does get better. Also, I know babies tend to prefer certain types of paci's over others, so if he doesn't like one, it can't hurt to try another!

post #125 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsSurplus View Post

 I do NOT view it as CIO because there's nothing else I can do.  You CAN go pick up a child out of a crib - but you legally can't take your child out of his carseat while the car is in motion.  AND, the intentions are different.  I'm not strapping a child in his carseat and thinking, "you're just going to have to learn to like this because mommy needs you to" but "we HAVE to go somewhere; I know you don't like your carseat and I feel for you, but it's the safest place for you while we're driving."  Totally different things.

 

I agree with this 100%. Several of my friends have babies who don't like their carseats, and they got this strap-over toy that the babies can look at and play with. I don't have one myself, but my friends all said it really helped their babies enjoy their carseats. Maybe you can try this before you go the dvd player route?
 

http://www.amazon.com/Tiny-Love-Sunny-Stroll-Strollers/dp/B000S9RF4M/ref=wl_it_dp_o?ie=UTF8&coliid=IOGZOJ4IJOODW&colid=3JFKDE1ZZVA1Q

 

post #126 of 154

jaw.gif A 10 m/o FF?! That is illegal I am sure. I would rather my kid scream the whole ride than risk his life
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by samalama10 View Post

My baby was/is exactly the same. He is 10 months now. Sometimes radio static works, or this Latin guitar cd I have, and I considered a DVD player. I actually put him front facing and it solved it. I know it's not good, but I was desperate. I would keep singing and talking to him, so it's not like CIO, and try the DVD player. The Latin cd I used that worked until 7 or 8 months for us is called rodrigo y Gabriela.


 

post #127 of 154

a perfect example of - to each its own. 
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

jaw.gif A 10 m/o FF?! That is illegal I am sure. I would rather my kid scream the whole ride than risk his life
 



 



 

post #128 of 154

NO that's not "to each their own" that's child endangerment.

post #129 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

NO that's not "to each their own" that's child endangerment.



This.  And so so illegal. 

post #130 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Honey693 View Post





This.  And so so illegal. 


agreed, after the legal age, THEN it's personal choice (even if I personally think that you should rear face as long as possible)

 

post #131 of 154

ok... hang on, ya'll.  let's figure this out.  it depends on in what state the forward facing child resides as to whether or not that's illegal, depending on if the kid is under or over 20 pounds.  it's possible that the parent has a really big kid.  here's a link, no idea about the authenticity or authority of it, but you get the idea.  http://www.iihs.org/laws/childrestraint.aspx

 

samalama10, i'm going to hijack this thread for a minute and let you know that folks are concerned about what you're saying about forward facing your child.  research now shows that rear facing for as long as possible is the safest thing you can do to protect your baby in a car. 

depending upon where you live, you might not be legal to face forward, as well.  No one (hopefully) wants to shame or scold you if you hadn't read about why rear facing is better, and here's an article. Here's another one from consumer reports that shows how crashes can damage little ones' necks if forward facing.  The american academy of pediatrics supports rear facing in the car seat until your kid is 2! 

If you're able to turn your baby back around, it's much much safer. 

 

~~~~~~~~  ok, you guys can keep arguing now....~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

post #132 of 154

My 4 daughters screamed in their car seats when they were infants.  My baby is now 14 weeks old and more often than not screams until she chokes until I get her out :(    It helps to a degree when I sit next to her and hold her hand and sing to her.   She usually has a much older sister with her and sometimes she will accept the comfort of a pacifier.  Even that has limited success --I'd say she screams about 60% of the time in the car.    So its not about being isolated.  It may be the infant seat.  It is likely frustration and I'd say an angry kind of cry.  She can get that worked up when her toy falls out of her hand at home.  The difference is that at home I hand her the toy or pick her up and all is right with the world and I can't do that in the car. 

 

By wearing my baby most of the time and comforting her immediately I think she expects it in the car too.  The best I can do is to find alternatives to driving with her.  My older daughters (7,10 and 15 years) have needs and desires that I'd like to meet too.  I never considered leaving my other babies with a care giver to avoid driving with them but I do it now.  20 minutes here and there works for us and there are few to no tears.   I hope that this changes soon because her sisters and I would like to take her to some wonderful places soon :)  I'll look into getting the Britax as a rear facing seat since that is what she will need next anyhow.

 

Nice to know that mine aren't the only babies who scream in the car. 

post #133 of 154

Just a thought; what kind of carseat do you have? We have a Baby Trend, and my DS HATED car rides for months until my chiropractor mentioned something- does your carseat have a bump or ridge in the back? Ours did, and our my DS needed to be adjusted where the ridge was. He hated the carseat because it hurt him to sit in it, especially over bumpy roads. We put a thin folded up recieving blanket behind the top layer of padding but over the hard foam that had the bump in it. You couldn't feel the hard bump from the outside anymore, and it made all the difference. My son didn't love the carseat after this, but he didn't scream every car ride all car ride long like he had been doing. So, maybe check your carseat; do you feel a ridge?

post #134 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by hildare View Post

ok... hang on, ya'll.  let's figure this out.  it depends on in what state the forward facing child resides as to whether or not that's illegal, depending on if the kid is under or over 20 pounds.  it's possible that the parent has a really big kid.  here's a link, no idea about the authenticity or authority of it, but you get the idea.  http://www.iihs.org/laws/childrestraint.aspx

 

samalama10, i'm going to hijack this thread for a minute and let you know that folks are concerned about what you're saying about forward facing your child.  research now shows that rear facing for as long as possible is the safest thing you can do to protect your baby in a car. 

depending upon where you live, you might not be legal to face forward, as well.  No one (hopefully) wants to shame or scold you if you hadn't read about why rear facing is better, and here's an article. Here's another one from consumer reports that shows how crashes can damage little ones' necks if forward facing.  The american academy of pediatrics supports rear facing in the car seat until your kid is 2! 

If you're able to turn your baby back around, it's much much safer. 

 

~~~~~~~~  ok, you guys can keep arguing now....~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Hm... I honestly had no idea that some states did not specify. I would like to point out however that most car seat manufacturers (I say most as I don't know for sure all, but all that I have seen) state on the car seat that it is designed to be rear facing until at least 1 year AND 20 lbs (i think 20lbs).

 

So I'd encourage the mom that started this off shoot to check the car sear standards for her specific car seat as well as the helpful link above about the state laws
 

 

post #135 of 154

I too was in your position with a baby who hated the car.  She is now 8 months old and it's getting better, but it was horrible.  My mother said it was worse being in the car with me than listening to her cry.  It just affected me so much because I couldn't soothe her.  Very stressful.


Here's what I tried:

  • rolling down the windows (helps with the pressure on their little ears)
  • music
  • clip-on music mobile
  • clip-on stroller fan (she really liked this one)
  • sleep sheep
  • mirror 

 

Best ones were rolling down windows and fan.  Someone suggested a convertible car seat because it sits higher up.  We didn't give this a good try though so I have no opinion on this idea.

 

Good luck.  It will get better.

 

 

post #136 of 154

Not sure if the OP is still around, but some things that worked with my little boy - sucking on a finger (could your 4yo lend a finger?!), having a dangly toy to look at and bat, listening to me sing (Old Macdonald or 'If you're happy and you know it...' - it helped my stress levels to sing, and maybe your 4yo can join in to make it more of a game for him as well). He got better as the months passed and these days (9mo) if he has a couple of toys he'll usually play happily. I wouldn't offer a finger any more because of those sharp little teeth!

 

Has anyone tried making a DVD of themselves and playing that to unhappy babe? I have no idea if it would work, just occurred to me as PPs were suggesting a DVD player.

 

Good luck OP, you're obviously a loving mum doing your best to keep both your little men happy.

post #137 of 154

Here are some ideas that might help 1. try a car bed I believe your baby is still young enough for to use one. and to what about useing a wind up baby tv thing that winds up and play scenes that scroll bye while it plays songs, I'm sure you know what I mean , you probley had one when you were little 3. have your 4 year old be your special helper and sit by the baby and make an interactive bright light toy go for the baby, a little special play time may help. 5. set a vebrating pillow againest car seat so it vibrate and kinda rocks the baby. 6.use a warm water bottle and fake heart beat toy to make baby feel like he does when you carry him.

post #138 of 154

Not crying it out but I totally understand. When my babies scream in the car, I could literally have a heart attack. It's awful. So sorry!!! He will outgrow this though...they outgrow almost everything!!! 

post #139 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by PPod View Post

Has anyone tried making a DVD of themselves and playing that to unhappy babe? I have no idea if it would work, just occurred to me as PPs were suggesting a DVD player.


Also, you could just try taping a picture of you to the seat back so he can see your face the whole time??
post #140 of 154
Thread Starter 

First off - wow...at the number of responses this post got!  I wish I had the time to read every single one but I cannot possibly do that right now.  But thank you to all of for your suggestions!  I realize a lot of the discussions from this post were in response to one another and so on but for the most part, I'm floored!

 

As far as some of the suggestions go:

 

I have always used a paci - when he was crying that hard - he wouldn't even close his mouth to suck on the darn thing

I use white noise - made for babies downloaded from iTunes.  It works sometimes...but not really

It's def. not the car seat.  He is fine in it until later.  

 

BUT - update -  he has gotten a little better.  I bought this paci plushie thing that hooks onto his paci (this animal) and he holds it.  Not only does he hold it but, when he cries and the paci falls out of his mouth, I can locate it better and grab it at red lights.  So, for some reason, he is now taking the paci in the car and it does soothe him.  It didn't before.  So, he takes it and when he does cry, I pray for red lights so that I can locate paci and re-insert and he HAS dosed off to sleep several times.  In those times, I am so thankful.  Even my 4 yo got excited that he calmed down and slept, LOL.  When DH is around, he drives and I'm back there in between 2 car seats (not comfy) and DS is fine!  Phew...

 

So, every day will get better I guess and I will be getting the next car seat soon but I am still convinced there is no hurry in that yet - since he really is fine in the car seat when I buckle him in while still in the house.  Also, I know it's that he just can't settle down on his own and just fall asleep...he needs some extra comfort to do so, so that is mostly where the crying comes in.  That and the fact that he is alone back there and he can't really see his brother...his car seat doesn't really let him see much other than whats right in front of him.

 

Thank you to all for you help and sharing your stories with me...it has helped me a great deal!!!  It's still tough - especially in this heat - but then again, because of the heat wave this week, we're not going anywhere!  Way too hot outside for anyone!

 

As for my 4yo - he does love camp.  Truth be told, since this baby has been born, I'm still adjusting to 2 kids so, yeah, there are days that he doesn't get full on attention that he's been used to and played with in the way that I would like - one on one.  We tried it, since we thought it would be good for him, and it turns out he loves it.  He gets to swim, cooking, crafts and play with all his buddies that he goes to school with.  So, yeah, 2 days a week of that?  I think it's worth it.  He deserves a good time that unfortunately, I cannot always guarantee him.  I struggle with mom guilt every day to meet both kids needs fully, and I do try, but I keep thinking I'm short changing someone.  Even though that may not be the case, it's hard when you had one kid for 4 years getting one on one time all the time and that is all they know..,thats where my guilt comes in.  But I"m getting better every day...

 

I'm all for AP but I do see how it can be hard to be the best AP mama to multiple kids...man, is it hard!  Thank God for baby wearing!!


Edited by Tmama - 7/20/11 at 10:20am
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