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CIO in the car and I HATE IT!!! - Page 2

post #21 of 154

My son had this exact issue, and it about drove me insane. I totally understand how you feel. My son is 7 months old now and totally fine in the car, but for about 3.5 months he would SCREAM anytime he had to ride anywhere. Is your baby in a bucket seat? For us, changing from the bucket to a convertible seat made all the difference--I guess the angle in the bucket was uncomfortable.

post #22 of 154
OH how I remember those days. DD hated the car so much. Obviously we minimized trips and tried to have someone sit back there with her. Sometimes you just have to go though. It got a lot better when we switched DD to a convertible seat. The infant bucket was just awful. It also got better when we started giving her snacks. I know that doesn't help with an itsy bitsy baby, but it will gt better eventually.
post #23 of 154

My older son was like that. Hated car rides. It turns out that he gets carsick easily, and he's normally anxious when he can't see mom/dad. So rearfacing exacerbated the issue.

 

A baby's cry is supposed to elicit that reaction from you. It's a survival of the species thing. At 3 weeks old, you baby is also really young. He doesn't know/doesn't have the ability to understand that hearing your voice=you being there.When he's older, around 6ish months, he gains that knowledge that even though he can't see you, you are still there. At that stage, singing to him will help, at least it did with me.

 

 

I don't view it as CIO because your baby is not alone. He is with you, his brother, and not in some room alone in the dark. My son would scream his head off just like your lo is, and he is an incredibly bright almost-4 year old. Always has been. The crying did not damage him.

 

To the PP who talked about PPD being something she didn't have the 'luxury' of having...I cannot say what I really want to say to you, because it would be a UAV. However, the 20-30% of postpartum women who have it (btw, this is JUST the reported number, the real number is higher) would love to know this. In fact, I would have loved to know this. I mean, intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, the constant panic attacks, high anxiety, inability to eat/sleep, sure was fun! In fact, so fun I wish every mom had the luxury of going through it!!! eyesroll.gif

 

To the OP, it is too early to know if you even have PPD. And please ignore everything that the above mentioned poster has told you. It's insensitive and unhelpful AND untrue. Women who see their babies crying with colic, chemo etc are feeling just as horrible as you are. Jeez, like now there's supposed to be some continuum of feelings we are supposed to feel based on others' reactions to it. The fact that you are reacting strongly to his cries shows how in-tune of a mother you are. You are very connected to him. If it didn't bother you at all, I'd be very worried about the level of attachment you have to him.

 

hug2.gif

 

This too shall pass. And it WILL get better. How many teenagers do you see screaming during an entire car ride?lol.gif

 

Ami

post #24 of 154

I am so, so sorry!  It is just awful.  My daughter was the same way, and it just... I pulled over a few times and held her and cried with her, but I don't know how helpful that is.  It's just horrible.  Of course you are upset! 

 

Do you think that even the Big Evil TV, just for trips, might work? 

 

I don't know if it would have with my daughter, but I kinda wish I'd tried it a bit sooner!  ANYTHING!  Just for in the car so they aren't screaming.  Big hugs to you and hang in there!

post #25 of 154
OP, I can relate. My DS went through a phase where he hated the car, especially if we drove in the dark. I remember dreading having to get in the car to go somewhere. I generally tried singing or talking to him during the car ride so that he knew I was near, although it didn't really calm him. I did not think we were CIO though. Sometimes a baby cannot have his needs met right away and they have to wait, and it's ok, especially if you can talk to him. I think I was more emotionally scared by the process than DS was, even after he stopped being upset in the car I dreaded it for a while, but he did grow out of it after a few months. It WILL get better.
DS's car hating period lasted a few months (I think from between 2 and 5 months mostly)
hug.gif
post #26 of 154

I'm sorry mama, I know it's hard to listen to your baby scream and feel like you can't do anything to help them. a couple of thing that could help that haven't been suggested: a pacifier for in the car, a special car toy or lovely (right now my 3 month old likes to be able to hold onto a receiving blanket), my little guy likes the windows down, DD had a stuffed dog that sat on the seat back for her to talk to. he could also be getting a little carsick, maybe some of the colic relief remedies could help with that?

post #27 of 154

You are empathic and your connection to your baby is extremely strong.  This is a VERY GOOD thing!!

 

My DS hated the car from the very beginning.  We never had him in the infant seat outside of the car and people would tell me that was the problem, that I had to train him in the house.  I would politely nod, but I was NOT okay with doing that. 

 

I'd say his anxiety peaked around 6 mo. and has gradually become better since then.  I think it did help that we switched him to a convertible car seat that looks much more comfortable.  Also, our pediatrician said it was okay to switch him to FF at 12 mo since he's extremely tall (of course, most parents should be encouraged to keep babies RF as long as possible!)  He likes to see where we're going, but even at 16 mo, he needs me in the back for long car trips and will only fall asleep without crying if I sit back there and nurse him while my husband drives.  You need a certain anatomy and flexibility to do this wink1.gif

 

I remember feeling truly sick when my son would cry back there as an infant.  I knew that it was not natural for a baby to move this fast backwards!  And it made me feel worse knowing that I could fix it in an instant by getting him out, or by avoiding car trips period.  Again, I think it's very good that you empathize with your baby as well, that you feel what he may be feeling.  Stay open and sensitive.  As my DS's anxiety lessened and as I could see that he was starting to understand more, I was able to tolerate it more.  I don't think I "toughened up", but rather, I was still empathizing and could see that there was a little bit more curiosity about the world from his side and he wasn't as confused.  Now I feel for you! You will both get through this!  Take care...


Edited by Brandybutter - 7/10/11 at 8:21pm
post #28 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

CIO is an intentional attempt to teach a baby to get used to not having cries responded to. A baby crying in the car is an unfortunate example of how babies are not always going to be happy, but it isn't something you're doing intentionally to teach him anything. You are trying to minimize it when you can. Babies even cry in arms a lot, and that isn't CIO despite how awful they feel when crying. The fact is that babies are human and have the same range of emotions of all humans, but have fewer ways to express their emotions so much comes out in cries. Respond as much as you are able, but unfortunately there will be times he will cry despite your best efforts, and there's no point in feeling so awful about it if it's outside of your control. Just do your best and try to be at peace with those things beyond you.


I absolutely positively agree.

 

At this point (DS is 7) I can't remember when the car-crying stopped (could have been around 4 months when he outgrew his Snugride by height and went into the Roundabout, but I can't be sure), but for what FELT like 18 million years he would cry in the car.  I would sing and talk and laugh and sometimes cry with him, and then would start singing again...  When I could, I would somehow reach my arm back there and touch his head, or his hand if he would put his hand up for me.  That was not easy, as we had a stickshift then.  (he still likes it when I hold his hand while I drive) 

 

He also would cry and cry sometimes in our arms.  No solid reason.  No colic, no belly problems, nothing sticking him clothing-wise, dry dipe, no rashes, full but not too full belly...it was like the weight of the world hit his wee shoulders sometimes and he would just sob...  What to do but to hold him? 

 

Babies dealing with true CIO don't have someone singing to them, holding them, talking to them, etc etc.  They are *alone*.  There's a huge difference.

 

In all likelihood this will change, and someday you'll forget when it happened exactly...

 

post #29 of 154

I agree with pp that have congratulated you on your connection to you LO...

 

Both my DSs hated the car when they were tiny, but DS1 had an extreme response.  A panicked, shrieking, throw-up on himself response that was very different than the kind of crying he did (often, he was very intense) in arms.  I DO think it's a different experience to cry while being held, than crying while strapped into a hard, plastic device, not being able to feel or see your mama.  Even if you can hear her calming voice, you can't really touch her.  Is it CIO?  I understand previous posts that emphasize the difference in intention from the perspective of the parents, but how different does it feel to that tiny baby? 

 

I don't really have an answer...but I couldn't stand listening to my DS's screams, so I changed the way we lived.  If it was so painful for me to listen to him, how painful must it have been for him to experience?  We stopped driving places, walked everywhere (they both loved being walked carried close to me).  When I had to drive somewhere, I got someone else to drive and I sat in the back & nursed my LO's (which helped immensely).  I wore my baby & grocery shopped with a cart.  If we were traveling any distance, we did it at night, after I nursed the baby to sleep.  That meant that DS1 had to trek to school and back on the train and bus for a year, and that we missed some trips to the beach & woods...but in the grand scheme of things those tender early times are such a very short time.  Did we miss anything by bypassing our car?  Just alot of discomfort.  I offer you the suggestion of skipping camp this year, or arrange for rides for your older child.  Keep closer to home.  Find ways to avoid the car as much as possible.  Your baby, and your own feelings, are telling you something.  Give yourself permission to listen. 

 

 

post #30 of 154

My almost 6 month old does well in the car sometimes, and then other times, nothing makes her happy, even if an adult sits where she can see them and where they can touch her.  There have been times where she has screamed for 45 minutes straight (with me sitting in the car within sight of her and stroking her legs and arms).  We talk to her, touch her if we can, sing her songs, etc.

 

But we noticed a couple of things about this.  The first is that if we pull over, whether I am the driver or not, and I try to nurse her, she's not interested.  She stops crying as soon as she gets out of the carseat but is immediately smiling and cooing at us.  Same thing when the trip is over, whether it's been 10 minutes of screaming or 30.  As soon as she is out of the seat, she's completely calm and smiling, and sometimes there are not tears.  I think most of the time when it happens, she's just ticked about being in there and is voicing her displeasure.

 

It has stressed me out and has occasionally reduced me to tears, and I don't know why sometimes she's fine and sleeps or plays with her toys and while sometimes she seems completely inconsolable, but we do what we can to reduce the instances and to make her feel better, but, in general, we just go about our daily lives and hope she'll grow out of it.

 

Although cute story.  The other day she was screaming and had been screaming for about 10 minutes.  I could hear my 2.5 year old say to her "It's ok baby, it's ok, I promise", and when that didn't work, my toddler said to me "Mommy, she needs a boob".  

post #31 of 154

This is truly not CIO, more a matter of baby temperament.  I remember feeling the same way with DS1, getting in the back seat with him whenever DH was there to drive, wondering if he'd ever feel better, he wouldn't even cry to sleep.  He basically just had to grow out of it, there was nothing we could do, and sometimes driving was necessary.  We did try to avoid unnecessary trips and get everything done at once, and do on foot what we could, but that was about it.  DD could only fall asleep with the car - go figure!  Some babies just hate driving, and some love it.

post #32 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by SkyMomma View Post

I agree with pp that have congratulated you on your connection to you LO...

 

Both my DSs hated the car when they were tiny, but DS1 had an extreme response.  A panicked, shrieking, throw-up on himself response that was very different than the kind of crying he did (often, he was very intense) in arms.  I DO think it's a different experience to cry while being held, than crying while strapped into a hard, plastic device, not being able to feel or see your mama.  Even if you can hear her calming voice, you can't really touch her.  Is it CIO?  I understand previous posts that emphasize the difference in intention from the perspective of the parents, but how different does it feel to that tiny baby? 

 

I don't really have an answer...but I couldn't stand listening to my DS's screams, so I changed the way we lived.  If it was so painful for me to listen to him, how painful must it have been for him to experience?  We stopped driving places, walked everywhere (they both loved being walked carried close to me).  When I had to drive somewhere, I got someone else to drive and I sat in the back & nursed my LO's (which helped immensely).  I wore my baby & grocery shopped with a cart.  If we were traveling any distance, we did it at night, after I nursed the baby to sleep.  That meant that DS1 had to trek to school and back on the train and bus for a year, and that we missed some trips to the beach & woods...but in the grand scheme of things those tender early times are such a very short time.  Did we miss anything by bypassing our car?  Just alot of discomfort.  I offer you the suggestion of skipping camp this year, or arrange for rides for your older child.  Keep closer to home.  Find ways to avoid the car as much as possible.  Your baby, and your own feelings, are telling you something.  Give yourself permission to listen. 

 

 


Both my kids were horrible in the car. DS2 was even worse than DS1 (and I never thought that was possible). DS1 screamed off and on until about 6 months. DS2 screamed in the car continuously from 2 weeks to 8 months. It was honestly horrible. The only time he wasnt screaming was when I was bent over and squished between two car seats in our tiny Prius breastfeeding him as my DH drove. Not even sitting in the backseat helped him. He just wanted to be held. all. day. long.

For me (and probably) for many others giving up driving is not an option. I like my freedom and driving gives me freedom. Maybe I'm just not good enough of a mom to give up that much of my life... It really was horrible listening to him scream for those months. I will say that now he is perfect in the car smile.gif He does not seem traumatized from his early experience in the car at all.

As your LO gets older keep new interesting toys just for the car. As my DS2 got older I would reach back and rotate his toys as he got fussy. That always worked well for short trips. Also, as he got older he loved kids music. Try a kids or soothing Reaching back and touching my baby or sitting in the backseat with him didn't seem to help. In fact, he usually got more worked up cause he didn't understand why I couldn't pick him up.

You are not letting your LO CIO!!!! You are keeping him safe by keeping him in his car seat. And I agree with the OP that your 4 yr old needs camp. It would be unfair to take it away because the baby doesn't like the car. It might just cause sibling contempt.

I know this is a really frustrating time. Big hugs to you momma! Things will get better!
post #33 of 154

Is there no other way to get your older child to camp? Have you checked to see if another mother would drive once a week and you drive their kid once a week? Or is there possibly a bus that goes near the camp?

When my now 3.5 yo dd was under one and a half she hated the car and cried the whole time. I opted to take the bus most places and even sold the car I had at the time (needed the money for rent too since I wasn't working with a newborn) taking the bus added more time but it made me see things in a much more simple manner. Aside from the occassional emergency when I would get a ride from my roomate I just avoided having her go into a car unless it was really necessary. Granted when I took her on a loooong road trip when she was 1.5 there were a few days when all she did was cry from the carseat but I think any baby would have done that even if they had been crying in a carseat for their whole first year...

post #34 of 154

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  My first HATED the car; the second wasn't quite so bad, and so far (knock wood) #3 seems to do MUCH better than his sisters.  The only thing that saved my sanity was a swaddle blanket that was designed for using in a carseat.  I still vividly remember the day I bought it.  The trip TO the store was horrible; she screamed the entire way.  The trip home ... I was going to take the blanket home and wash it first, but she was so hysterical she was vomiting (again), so I pulled over, swaddled her up, and she was fine the rest of the trip.  I don't know if you've tried swaddling your baby, but I HIGHLY recommend it. hug2.gif

post #35 of 154

no, you don't have to "toughen up" you have to find a way to soothe your child. The child does not understand, all they know is that they have a need and there is no one in their vision taking care of that need. It is not the same INTENTION as CIO, but it can have the same consequences. I say this because a newborn has NO concept of reality. He might hear your voice, but he doesn't see you and therefore doesn't get it. If someone is next to them,, a little better but they still don't understand why you won't just pick them up and give them the attention they need. Strapping our children in where they can't see us or be held might be safe, but that doesn't make it natural. You can NOT make a newborn or many toddlers even understand why they have to be strapped into this weird torture device.

 

My third son got a paci for this very reason. It was his first car ride with no siblings in the back with him, he cried and cried I kept talking to him and the moment I could we stopped and I held him. Cried and cried again - next stop was the store for a paci.

 

Pacifiers

Swaddling

Toys

songs

make sure they have a full tummy, clean diaper beforehand

swaddle!

 

can someone stay with the baby? Or go with you so there is someone back there with them? Can you take a bus?

 

post #36 of 154

Yes, it is not always practical in every situation to just stay home; but in this case--- since this is not a matter of pure survival, I would seriously consider just canceling camp for your older DS. He's young enough that he could take the disappointment (if there is any) somewhat in stride. It isn't CIO, but I agree with pp it can have the same consequences for your young one. It's so tough but it is a phase, and a fleeting phase for many babies. *hugs*

post #37 of 154

I would not cancel camp. It is hard enough when children think that the baby always comes first and it is not true. Canceling the camp might cause resentment and jealousy issues. I don't understand how crying for a few minutes is harmful. For hours on end, sure. But for a few minutes?

post #38 of 154

I don't know. I think it's kind of harsh to assume that the older son can just deal with his disappointment about not getting to go to camp (which, from my own childhood memories, was a Big Deal in the summers). At the same time, you don't know if crying in the car rides will have any lasting effect on the baby, and all the anecdotal evidence in this thread alone says no.

post #39 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Czarena View Post

no, you don't have to "toughen up" you have to find a way to soothe your child. The child does not understand, all they know is that they have a need and there is no one in their vision taking care of that need. It is not the same INTENTION as CIO, but it can have the same consequences. I say this because a newborn has NO concept of reality. He might hear your voice, but he doesn't see you and therefore doesn't get it. If someone is next to them,, a little better but they still don't understand why you won't just pick them up and give them the attention they need. Strapping our children in where they can't see us or be held might be safe, but that doesn't make it natural. You can NOT make a newborn or many toddlers even understand why they have to be strapped into this weird torture device.

 

My third son got a paci for this very reason. It was his first car ride with no siblings in the back with him, he cried and cried I kept talking to him and the moment I could we stopped and I held him. Cried and cried again - next stop was the store for a paci.

 

Pacifiers

Swaddling

Toys

songs

make sure they have a full tummy, clean diaper beforehand

swaddle!

 

can someone stay with the baby? Or go with you so there is someone back there with them? Can you take a bus?

 


I completely agree. CIO in a room by themselves, or CIO in a seat by themselves (while hearing a voice) is really no different, regardless of your intention. Although it might be a pita for a while, you might just have to stay home until your little one is more comfortable in the car. (I'm sure your older kiddo will turn out just fine being home-bound for 6 months or so.) Babies don't cry for no reason. Maybe the vibration of the car is frightening or painful for some reason. (Maybe try some chiro/CST to see if that helps?) But whatever the reason, your baby is sending you a signal that it NEEDS you. Not just your voice, but your physical presence. And your response is normal, not ppd irked.gif. Your maternal instincts are SUPPOSED to trigger you to jump at your baby's sign of pain/hunger/whatever. The fact that it's bothering you to hear your baby cry is a sign of your strong bond with your baby. If you continue to tune it out, you may become numb to those cues and weaken that bond.
post #40 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by changingseasons View Post



I completely agree. CIO in a room by themselves, or CIO in a seat by themselves (while hearing a voice) is really no different, regardless of your intention. Although it might be a pita for a while, you might just have to stay home until your little one is more comfortable in the car. (I'm sure your older kiddo will turn out just fine being home-bound for 6 months or so.) Babies don't cry for no reason. Maybe the vibration of the car is frightening or painful for some reason. (Maybe try some chiro/CST to see if that helps?) But whatever the reason, your baby is sending you a signal that it NEEDS you. Not just your voice, but your physical presence. And your response is normal, not ppd irked.gif. Your maternal instincts are SUPPOSED to trigger you to jump at your baby's sign of pain/hunger/whatever. The fact that it's bothering you to hear your baby cry is a sign of your strong bond with your baby. If you continue to tune it out, you may become numb to those cues and weaken that bond.

 

Seriously? Wow.

 

"So sorry, older DS. Sucks to be you....but the baby has needs right now and they come before your own needs. I'm sure you understand." That's what it sounds like you're saying.


 

 


Edited by coffeegirl - 7/16/11 at 4:45pm
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