Anybody with a 15 or 16 year old boy out there?

[McGucks]

Because I am going nuts with mine.  I have to pretend on most days that I even like him.  It is horrible.  We had always had a really close relationship.  He has always been a pretty normal, "good" kid...mostly polite, respectful, essentially kind and thoughtful.  He just is often not that same person anymore.  I started a thread a week or so ago about describing your relationship with your teen without betraying how mine was going because I didn't want to sway posters either way...I was hoping to see I wasn't alone.  Most people wrote back with such glowing adjectives about their wonderful teen that it made me feel even worse.  If I had to pick five words to describe my relationship with my son, they'd be:

Frustrating.

Irritating.

Disappointing.

Surprising (because I didn't think it'd ever be like this with him, my beloved first son).

Sad.

Please tell me I am not alone.

[2xy]

My youngest will be 16 next month, and I can sort of relate to what you're going through. He has not become unlikable, but he is definitely changing and is not Mama's L'il Sweetie-Pie anymore. He's become a bit thoughtless and inconsiderate, and somewhat of a know-it-all. Nothing too terrible, though.

DS1 was a hellion as a child and actually became easier as a teen, so I've not experienced this before.

Hang in there. This too, shall pass.

[34me]

To the people I know well, I always say, "ds1 (who turned 15 less then a month ago) is an ass" he has always been my kindest, most thoughtful child while still a handful. Now he is moody, secretive, somewhat unmotivated, meaner then usual to his younger brother, rolls his eyes constantly at his older sister. And if you are talking to him you must be very precise or he constantly corrects. The sky is a beautiful teal with hints of grey as opposed to blue.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by 34me 

And if you are talking to him you must be very precise or he constantly corrects.

YES!!!

I have a bumper sticker that says "Freedom is the Distance Between Church and State." DS told me he doesn't like it because it isn't accurate....because we would only be truly free in a Libertarian-style government, which we do not have.

Annoying. However, I do like that he's thinking.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by 2xy 

YES!!!

I have a bumper sticker that says "Freedom is the Distance Between Church and State." DS told me he doesn't like it because it isn't accurate....because we would only be truly free in a Libertarian-style government, which we do not have.

Annoying. However, I do like that he's thinking.

He should probably meet my DS, who has been reading up on anarchists like Malatesta lately (and consequently provoking a little anxiety in me). They'd have a fine dialogue, I'm sure. I like that my DS is thinking too, but I don't want him testing any theories at the wrong time and place.

Caedenmomma, I'm not sure if your concerns about your son are about general attitude and manners or due to new interests and activities. If he seems to be developing different tastes, it may help to open up a converation about what he likes about them. My DS listens to music that I mostly will never enjoy but we talk about it and I try to understand. I try to support his interests and let him know that I'm not judging him. He floats a lot of political and economic theory that I don't endorse, but I don't dismiss his opinions just because he's a kid so we have good dialogues. It helps a lot.

I also stopped trying to control how he dresses or his hair a long time ago. If these are areas of contention, you may want to ask whether the arguments are worth the harm to your relationship. Again, I'm just guessing on what's troubling you based on what I could find a problem with my own DS, so I may be way off the mark here.  
 

[kawa kamuri]

My eldest is sixteen.

You are not alone, mama. 

[Alenushka]

Mine is 15. His grades are not what I would want but he tries hard. He has friends. He is crazy about computers and gaming. He cooks. Just today he made amazing cake for our party. His room is messy. He takes his meds. He came out to us and I am glad he trusts us. I wish he argued less about tooth brushing. I try to ignore blasting techno. (-:

[mommy68]

I don't think you can expect others to be truthful in regards to what they are going through with their own child. :) I think we ALL go through something at some point during the teenage years. Everyone of my older friends have been there/done that already and most have kids in their 20's so I've heard from all of them, not just some, but all of them varying degrees of how hard their teens were. But none have said they were easy and never had a problema at all or had only glowing responses to their teens behaviors. lol! They would be lying if they did, please, lets just be honest, really!

My oldest is 15 and he too has been my golden child. Never went through the terrible 2's, 3's or anything. He just went through the first 12 years of life being sweet as can be. Then something happened. lol. He is great a lot of the time, very caring, sweet, helpful and thoughtful. But he has mood swings and irritability to the point that sometimes I think he is a 15 yr old girl. I never knew boys exhibited the same types of behaviors as teen girls do. Oh and everything I do bothers him. I can't talk right, breathe right, eat right, drink right, drive right. He has his drivers permit and tells me how to drive, I'm going to fast, need both hands on the wheel, etc. ahhhh yes. Makes me look forward to my younger two hitting the teen years, both are girls. :=/

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by 34me 

And if you are talking to him you must be very precise or he constantly corrects. The sky is a beautiful teal with hints of grey as opposed to blue.

LOL! I go through this too! I thought I was the only one.
 

 And I forgot to mention the grades thing. My son was homeschooled up until this past school year. He just finished up 9th grade and is going in to 10th in August. He did okay at school but had so much school work that he had no free time in the school year for himself :( and I feel for him. This past year he had it rough and I'm hoping it's easier this coming year for his sake. :(  He really loves his school.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by mommy68 

I don't think you can expect others to be truthful in regards to what they are going through with their own child. :) I think we ALL go through something at some point during the teenage years. Everyone of my older friends have been there/done that already and most have kids in their 20's so I've heard from all of them, not just some, but all of them varying degrees of how hard their teens were. But none have said they were easy and never had a problema at all or had only glowing responses to their teens behaviors. lol! They would be lying if they did, please, lets just be honest, really!

Uummm... sorry, but you're wrong. I honestly have not had problems of any real magnitude or longevity with either of my teens. Sure, we've had our arguments and our bad days, but I'd never characterize my two as difficult, sullen/moody, disrespectful, disappointing, etc. Being their parent HAS been a joy 99% of the time.

Perhaps it's a matter of perspective. I've always been very much of a "glass half full and more" kind of person. So I tend to focus on the positives more. Maybe it "helps" that we've been a team for so long, and they know that I am the parent who will always have their back. That I don't freak out about stuff, try to see things from their perspective, treat them with respect, and pretty much support them in every way imaginable. We are all each others biggest fans.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

Uummm... sorry, but you're wrong. I honestly have not had problems of any real magnitude or longevity with either of my teens. Sure, we've had our arguments and our bad days, but I'd never characterize my two as difficult, sullen/moody, disrespectful, disappointing, etc. Being their parent HAS been a joy 99% of the time.

Likewise. I had a serious attitude problem as a teen, and my ex was in an alternative school, for teens with "issues" (ie. he would have flunked out of normal school, because of drug use, home life issues, etc.). I can remember some awful fights with my mom, and I was pretty flipping obnoxious, kind of disrespectful, and outrageously sullen. I fully expected to have trouble with ds1 as a teen. And...it just never happened. He's 18 now, and starting university in September. Sure - we've had some arguments, and there are little things that drive me batty (such as responding with "in a minute" to "set the table, please" or 20 minutes and then it finally gets done, while we're actually serving, and his complete inability to grasp that when I say "don't put things on the freezer", I don't mean "unless you're planning to pick them up in the next 48 hours"). He's self-absorbed in some ways, and not always all that aware of how his actions (such as the aforementioned delays in setting the table and piling crap on the freezer) affect others. But, he's also enthusiastic, engaged in life, worked hard at school, and on extra-curriculars and in his job, and is just...a good kid, yk?
 

OP: I'm sorry. I'm not trying to bring you down, but that kind of "if people claim otherwise, they're lying" mindset drives me nuts. I've seen guys use it about other men who claim to find their wives hot ("C'mom - she never took off the baby weight - who's he trying to kid?") and women about other women who are happy with their partner's household contributions ("She says he actually does his share around the house - as if! We all know men just don't do housework. Why does she want us to think she's got it any better?") and lots of other situations. It pushes almost every button I've got. Teens can absolutely be really, really, really difficult to deal with. I couldn't honestly argue with that. And, I suspect I'm going to have more trouble with both dd1 and ds2. But, that doesn't mean moms who haven't had a hard time of the teen years are lying. That's just insulting.

[whatsnextmom]

Don't feel worse lol. Relationships with teens can be a day-by-day adventure. My DD (14) were super close until like 13.5. She was a delight. I delighted in her. Then, we hit a really rough patch and she was not delightful. I couldn't say anything without it being taken as a critism. She'd be laughing about something one minute and the second I started laughing too, I was being "insensitive." I'd ask her to contribute to the household (which she did earnestly until 13.5) and she simply wouldn't do it no matter how reasonable a time frame I gave her. I could go on. She really just needed to push until she hit the wall of our tolerance. It wasn't until DH and I drew the line and said "this is it" that things started turning around.Yes, it made me sad but it's been getting progressively better since DH made her go 2 weeks without a bedroom door lol (and that was about 3 months ago.) We have our moments but we actually are starting to have fun again which is nice. I should add that DD is a straight "A", perfect citizenship, high-achieving child that I get nothing but glowing reports about how wonderful she is from every adult who interacts with her. People assume those sorts are immune to these stages but I can tell you they are not.

You have to take these boards with a grain of salt. It may be anonomous but people still care what others think. It's easy to be more reasonable, more rational, more the textbook parent on message boards than in real life right. Plus, you have to take perspective into account. I know mothers in real-life that see their relationship with their child as perfection and yet every time I see them together, I marvel at the disrespect they tolerate. What is "normal" to them is outrageous to me. I hear parents talk about how wonderful and respectful their kids are only to hear their kids be nasty to some poor kid behind mom's back minutes later. Sure, there will be some parents who don't have issues with their teens and that is great! I know a few IRL who didn't get hit with such issues until their child was in college (and it's not so uncommon not that adolescence seems to extend into the early 20's more and more these days.) Kids pull away and it can be a challenging, difficult and sad process. Generations of parents will concur that teenagers ARE difficult and you are NOT alone and you are NOT a bad parent for seeing a change and even mourning it a little.

Edited by whatsnextmom - 7/12/11 at 11:30am

[whatsnextmom]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

 Maybe it "helps" that we've been a team for so long, and they know that I am the parent who will always have their back. That I don't freak out about stuff, try to see things from their perspective, treat them with respect, and pretty much support them in every way imaginable. We are all each others biggest fans.

Oh, that must be it! I'd not be struggling with my teenager if I only listened, supported and respected my children! Gosh, and I thought disreguarding their needs and freaking out of everything would make things easier. If only I thought about the whole "team" thing and bonded with my child earlier!  LOL, I know you didn't mean this to be nasty or judgemental but I know your posts to be typically well thought out... You CAN  see how this comes across can't you? Fantastic, supportive and respectful parents struggle with teenagers every single day. Awesome kids who love their parents push bounderies and act out. I could say that parents that have no rebellion are permissive and let their kids walk all over them. It wouldn't be neccessarily be the truth but I'm sure you'd be pretty offended by that line of thinking. You really might as well be saying "well, if you weren't a control freak and if your kids liked you, you'd be like me and have no problems." lol

[mtiger]

Point being, NOT having a problem with your teen doesn't mean that you're lying about it, as mommy68 alleged.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

Point being, NOT having a problem with your teen doesn't mean that you're lying about it, as mommy68 alleged.

This. This was all I was getting at, as well.

And, for the record, I don't think my relationship with ds1 is as good (not "perfect") as it is because of anything in particular that I've done. I think there's also been a large element of luck. DS1 is, on many levels, a people pleaser and that permeates his personality in many ways. He just plain prefers to get along with people, including me and dh. He and I are also lucky enough to have fairly complementary personalities - he does bump heads with dh more than with me. DH thinks that's a "step" thing, but from my perspective, it has more to do with their individual personalities.

The teens can be tough, for sure. As I say, I'm actually expecting a pretty rough ride with dd1 and ds2 (in completely different ways).

[mtiger]

Agreed, stormbride. I know that there are families where teens and parents have their problems. Just as there are families where parents have problems, or the kids have problems with one another, etc. I certainly wouldn't insist that a couple that gets along MUST be lying because they get along. it's offensive to have someone assume that I'm lying because I get along with my kids.

Yes, I am lucky because they are really easy kids. And sorry, but I do think that my way of interacting with them has helped in some small measure.

[whatsnextmom]

lol, you sound like me before I had my son. DD was like, perfect child. She was cooperative, highly verbal, unusually mature even as a toddler. I'd take her to kinder gym and she'd converse with the teachers and parents. She'd do everything asked of her without hesitation. I was constanly complimented on her and praised for what must have been my stellar parenting. I'd got to teacher meetings and they'd tell me what an excellent job I was doing. I was thinking "wow, I'm doing pretty good!" Then came DS who was a bundle of caotic energy on top of having a host of sensitivities that eventually needed occupational therapy for. I left kinder gym feeling like the biggest loser on the planet. He loved the class but was loud, distracted, touched everything he shouldn't and made me run around after him at all times. Teachers love him but he's totally disorganized, misses assignments, ect. Yeah, I got mine. Funny though, I take more pride in my parenting of DS though because he actually requires me to parent... To stretch myself and challenge my beliefs.

Hopefully you never have to eat your words. I do honestly wish that for you but I'd be cautious how you word what you see as your personal triumphs. Parenting is fluid and ever changing and few survive it without eating their words at some point.

[enkmom]

I lived through it - my son is 21.  Although it was generally good, I will not claim that his teen years were a delight.  My biggest problem with him was the way he omitted so much of the story. If I didn't ask exactly the correct questions, I was in the dark.  An example:

K: Mom, Pat and I are taking the car to the game.  See you later!

The whole story:  Mom, Pat and I (and 6 of our friends) are taking (your) car to the game (200 miles away).  See you later (tomorrow, we are spending the night at a hotel)!

He was also frequently lazy and unmotivated, sometimes treated his parents as slaves, and made it clear that he would rather spend time with friends than be a part of our formerly very close family.  He had plenty of good characteristics to balance it all out, but it was a shock that our little boy who clung to us and told us he loved us every other breath turned into a big boy who thought of us as walking wallets a lot of the time.

I promise you, it gets better.  Don't give up.  Don't give in on the important things.  Let the truly unimportant things go.  Try to make your house the place he hangs out with his friends.  The days seem really long, but the years fly by.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by whatsnextmom 

lol, you sound like me before I had my son. DD was like, perfect child. She was cooperative, highly verbal, unusually mature even as a toddler. I'd take her to kinder gym and she'd converse with the teachers and parents. She'd do everything asked of her without hesitation. I was constanly complimented on her and praised for what must have been my stellar parenting. I'd got to teacher meetings and they'd tell me what an excellent job I was doing. I was thinking "wow, I'm doing pretty good!" Then came DS who was a bundle of caotic energy on top of having a host of sensitivities that eventually needed occupational therapy for. I left kinder gym feeling like the biggest loser on the planet. He loved the class but was loud, distracted, touched everything he shouldn't and made me run around after him at all times. Teachers love him but he's totally disorganized, misses assignments, ect. Yeah, I got mine. Funny though, I take more pride in my parenting of DS though because he actually requires me to parent... To stretch myself and challenge my beliefs.

Hopefully you never have to eat your words. I do honestly wish that for you but I'd be cautious how you word what you see as your personal triumphs. Parenting is fluid and ever changing and few survive it without eating their words at some point.

Are you replying to me? My kids are 17 & 19. I doubt I'll need to eat my words at this point. Sorry to disappoint.

[orangefoot]

My eldest just turned 18 and at this point I think his teen years so far have been ok. When he was younger people told me I should just wait - my boy would not stay good forever!

We've had some bumps in the road when I have realised that we needed to bring him back closer to the family group and away from being out and about all day with friends. I have worried about him and hoped that everything I had 'put in' would be enough to keep him safe but generally he has had good friends and managed not to do too many stupid things.

He is a hard working young man who is kind to his younger siblings. He dropped out of school at 16 with good grades and spent a year watching streamed films and every episode of House MD ever made whilst learning harmonica and working at Domino pizza. Friends were horrified and thought that I was allowing him to make poor choices but he has chosen his own path and has just finished the first year of an apprenticeship in engineering with an oil research company.

What has helped us is trying to find things that we can do together or talk about together. It turns out that dancing at ceilidhs suited me and him and we had a ball doing that. Dh and I also took him out on long drives to get stuff done and kept him involved in the day to day of the home and meals.

Some of the works you listed are feelings that perhaps you can change if you think about them differently. He probably doesn't think of himself as a disappointment and may not really be able to stop being irritating or frustrating so can you try to re-frame your feelings in a different way? I know this isn't easy - I'm trying to it with my feelings about my 4yo!

Another thing I realised is that even these big, confident, know-it-all young men still need a hug every now and then and it is so nice when they hug you back :)