Anybody with a 15 or 16 year old boy out there? - Page 2

[McGucks]

Originally Posted by orangefoot 

Some of the works you listed are feelings that perhaps you can change if you think about them differently. He probably doesn't think of himself as a disappointment and may not really be able to stop being irritating or frustrating so can you try to re-frame your feelings in a different way? I know this isn't easy - I'm trying to it with my feelings about my 4yo!

That is a very good point.  I think part of my disappointment is in myself for not loving him the same way I have his whole life...does it mean I am a bad mom or not loving?  I know I am irritable in general sometimes these days, too, but it seems like we sometimes can't be around each other for five minutes before I am annoyed at something he does or says.  His dad and I are divorced, and I get very bugged about mannerisms he has that are his dad's.  OF COURSE I KNOW (please nobody tell me how awful I am) that this is not his fault or anything, but it's also not my fault that it trips my wire.  The best I can do is just pay attention to how I am feeling and why and try to kind of self-talk myself out of the irritation.

Another factor that makes parenting him very hard is that I was molested by a teenage boy for years.  Yes, I have had tons of therapy and realize there are transference issues...but those "ick" feelings that I sometimes have about teenaged males hop over to my son...and, again, the best I can do is pay attention to where my feelings are coming from.
 

[purslaine]

My teenage boy (15) has been easy, but his 12 year sister has not been over the last year.   I used to think teens were easy and everyone got it all wrong when they villianised them (I still do think that).  But...some teens are not easy.

2 different children and 2 different experiences.

Hang in there!  Any chance for one on one time?  Sometimes I insist a little.  

[McGucks]

Our main 1-1 time is in the car.  Since he has his learner's, this is often a tense time.  He is nervous driving and I am nervous being driven.  More 1-1 time with him?  I think you are right that I should make it happen more often.  That is a good suggestion.  I also do visit with him in the mornings when I go up to take him tea or whatever in the mornings, try to make sure we chat before he goes to sleep, and then there's the driving around I do with him to get him to friend's houses.  We also do family meals each night, but with a 15 month old, it's not exactly peaceful!

Edited by McGucks - 7/15/11 at 7:02am

[TLouise]

edit, past member

Edited by TLouise - 8/2/11 at 9:06am

[mimim]

From about 15 1/2 to 16 1/2, my oldest was hypercritical of everything I did, rude to his siblings, and argued about everything possible. I just treated his attitude like it was normal (it IS), argued with him as little a possible, yet insisted that he be respectful to his family or to be quiet. Our relationship was never so oppositional as it was during that year and it's the only time I ever felt like I didn't particularly like him. He's 17 now and has mellowed out considerably. He argues from time to time, I no longer have the impression that he thinks everything I do is completely stupid and I rarely have to remind him to be kind to us.

A normal phase. Part of becoming an adult. I remember doing it to my mom too.

[nd_deadhead]

My identical twin boys are almost 17, and they rarely exhibit any stereotypical teen behavior (eye rolling, back-talking, obnoxious). But they have a pretty good sense of perspective.

For almost 4 years, one son has suffered from a rare medical condition - even his doctor at the Mayo Clinic doesn't have a good term for it. It is episodic - when he is not experiencing symptoms, he is perfectly fine; when he has a spell, it's like someone disabled 11 of his 12 cylinders, and it's all he can do to eat and go to the bathroom. He doesn't care abot anythi9ng, and has no energy to do anything (he barely has the concentration to watch TV). Spells would last 4 to 8 days. We went to local doctors for months before going to Mayo, and no one had an answer. For months the Mayo doctor couldn't even offer any help. My son would sometimes cry on my shoulder, wondering how he was ever going to hold a job, and wishing he could just worry about normal kid stuff. It tore me apart watching all this, and not being able to do anything about it, and my stress manifested itself in insomnia and tightness in my chest that made it difficult to breathe.

Between my stress reactions and his brother's illness, my other son had his own stress reactions, starting with stomach upset/diarrhea, and developing into anxiety and depression that landed him in the hospital - suicidal. By this time Mayo had come up with a medication for B that at least cut the episodes to 1 or 2 days (instead of a week), though they still occur every 4 to 6 weeks. But the damage was done for my other son - he is still struggling with anxiety. He is on medication and sees a therapist regularly.

I think once you've been to Hell and back together, you learn to get your priorities straight - and my kids understand that taking out the garbage is not worth so much as an eye-roll.

My neighbor's teens are typical - Mom and Dad are idiots, their rules are stupid, they can hardly say a civil word to their parents. The parents agree with me that their kids are very lucky to have nothing more pressing to worry about than having to get permission from both Mom and Dad before going out with friends, or having to mow the lawn or come home at a reasonable time. They don't realize that this is all small stuff - because they've never been faced with really big stuff.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

Uummm... sorry, but you're wrong. I honestly have not had problems of any real magnitude or longevity with either of my teens. Sure, we've had our arguments and our bad days, but I'd never characterize my two as difficult, sullen/moody, disrespectful, disappointing, etc. Being their parent HAS been a joy 99% of the time.

Perhaps it's a matter of perspective. I've always been very much of a "glass half full and more" kind of person. So I tend to focus on the positives more. Maybe it "helps" that we've been a team for so long, and they know that I am the parent who will always have their back. That I don't freak out about stuff, try to see things from their perspective, treat them with respect, and pretty much support them in every way imaginable. We are all each others biggest fans.

I said my son is great "a lot" of the time. ;-) I am a very positive, Christian woman and only stating truth that goes on in my life and my child's life. :-) Kudos to you for having a perfect child! Wonderful! My son is also a great kid. He was home schooled for many years and has been like a second dad to my 2 year old daughter, especially after his dad and I divorced and he also gets along with young kids all the way up to elderly and stayed night after night with his grandpa when he was about to die last summer and cooked and got things for him because he was in a wheelchair. He takes out garbage, cooks, washes dishes, mows the lawn all on his own without me asking. But those things weren't being questioned as much as the whole behavior thing was in this thread. My son is awesome! But yes, he does exhibit quite a few of those irritating teen behaviors that lots of teens I've seen go through at some point or another.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

Agreed, stormbride. I know that there are families where teens and parents have their problems. Just as there are families where parents have problems, or the kids have problems with one another, etc. I certainly wouldn't insist that a couple that gets along MUST be lying because they get along. it's offensive to have someone assume that I'm lying because I get along with my kids.

Yes, I am lucky because they are really easy kids. And sorry, but I do think that my way of interacting with them has helped in some small measure.

You are a perfect mom, of course! And the first one I've met in my 42 years of life. Go you! I think you should write a book. lol

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

Perhaps it's a matter of perspective. I've always been very much of a "glass half full and more" kind of person. So I tend to focus on the positives more. Maybe it "helps" that we've been a team for so long, and they know that I am the parent who will always have their back. That I don't freak out about stuff, try to see things from their perspective, treat them with respect, and pretty much support them in every way imaginable. We are all each others biggest fans.

 I never said I wasn't doing the same or at least similar things in my own home. I am a wonderful mother as well. I have been complimented a lot over the years. My 15 yr old has also dealt with the split up of his father and I in the last year and a half so I assume that has a lot to do with his behavior at times. But if you re-read what I wrote the first time I did focus on his good areas in my earlier post. My children are my life and we do everything together from cook meals, clean house, laugh, sing, hang out, go on outings, hiking and biking especially and love each other. You are no better than anyone else.

[2xy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy68 

I said my son is great "a lot" of the time. ;-) I am a very positive, Christian woman and only stating truth that goes on in my life and my child's life. :-) Kudos to you for having a perfect child! Wonderful!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy68 

You are a perfect mom, of course! And the first one I've met in my 42 years of life. Go you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy68 You are no better than anyone else.

None of this sounds particularly positive, nor even kind. It's passive-aggressive snark. And I doubt anyone cares what religion you are. It's irrelevant to the conversation.

The other mothers were simply stating that their teens have not been stereotypically problematic. Nobody said, nor even implied, that they are better than anyone else. I'm unsure as to why you are taking this discussion so personally.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by 2xy 

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None of this sounds particularly positive, nor even kind. It's passive-aggressive snark. And I doubt anyone cares what religion you are. It's irrelevant to the conversation.

The other mothers were simply stating that their teens have not been stereotypically problematic. Nobody said, nor even implied, that they are better than anyone else. I'm unsure as to why you are taking this discussion so personally.

Thank you, 2XY.