Who must give consent when a baby is to be circumcised?

[1love4ever]

I am very much against circumcising, but DP insists that it be done, and actually says it is morally wrong NOT to circ!!  We are having a home birth, and I am wondering who legally can make the decision of whether or not to have our son circumcised?  I dont think that DP would do this, but just to put my mind at rest(hopefully!), I am wanting to make sure he can not take our son into the doctor to get him circumcised at a later time without my consent.  We are not married, but we live together and raise our family as a married couple would.  We both have custody, etc. So, if DP brought our son into the Dr/hospital, would they circumcise him without my consent?

I remember seeing a Desprate Housewives episode(I dont normally watch that show lol) where the husband did not want his son circumcised but his wife did, and he called all the hospitals in the area and told them that the child was not to be circumcised and that they did not have his consent and in the show it worked, do you know if something like this would actually work? (although the mother ended up taking the child to a Jewish guy who performed the surgery and got it done that way...)

Like I said, I dont think DP would do this, but it is always a possibility I guess... 

DP was raised to think that being intact was disgusting and shameful and embarassing and unclean, that is why he wants our son circ.  He also thinks that EVERYONE is circ.  I dont know where he got this idea, but he has had this opinion ever since I have known him.

I am hoping that before this pregnancy is over I can have him at least somewhat convinced that this is the right choice.  Either way, it is not going to happen!!

[WaitingForKiddos]

I've heard of mamas writing in Sharpie on a baby's tummy "If you circumcise me my mom will sue you. She does NOT consent to this."

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

He can take your ds without you and get it done at most any ped's office. It has almost happened before but thankfully the mama caught wind of it and put a stop to it. He was going to give her some free mommy time and take the baby to have it done then bring him back that way

The only 100% guarantee you have that he cant do it is to not let him leave the house alone with your ds for at least the first year of life. After that he will have to have general anesthesia to have it done and they would need your consent to have it done at that time.

I hope you are able to convince him but if not then you will just have to put your foot down and make sure he dosnt get an opportunity to take him without you knowing and have it done.

[1love4ever]

That is disappointing to hear!!  I will ask when I take DD in for her 18 month checkup, and maybe they can keep something on record that says that they do not have my consent?  Thankfully DH is gone a lot for work, so he would have much less opportunities to do this than a normal father would.   I have a few connections at the local hospital and clinic (I am a former nursing student), so I will see who is working in the offices these days and can set up some spies, although most of the people who I was friends with do not work in pediatrics:(

Thank you for your help.  Anyone else have any experiences or advice to share?  How about some short but powerful statements opposing circ?

[Dan Bollinger]

As a custodial parent, he can give consent. You can put notes in all his patient files at the Ped and hospital. If you are really concerned, you can get a court order to forbid it. Better yet, convice him. Sit down with him at Circumcision Decision-Maker. It takes you through each of your reasons for wanting circumcision one at a time and then gives you some expert opinion. It also has a lot of information on penis anatomy, how the foreskin develops, circumcision, and care of the intact penis including washing instructions.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Originally Posted by 1love4ever 

That is disappointing to hear!!  I will ask when I take DD in for her 18 month checkup, and maybe they can keep something on record that says that they do not have my consent?  Thankfully DH is gone a lot for work, so he would have much less opportunities to do this than a normal father would.   I have a few connections at the local hospital and clinic (I am a former nursing student), so I will see who is working in the offices these days and can set up some spies, although most of the people who I was friends with do not work in pediatrics:(

Thank you for your help.  Anyone else have any experiences or advice to share?  How about some short but powerful statements opposing circ?

Remember even if you touch base with your regular ped and the local hospital the other ped's offices around where you live wouldnt know and could still do it. So unless you call every single office and have a record made then your ds would still be at risk should he decide to take it that far.

I wish you luck on convincing him how silly he is being.

[A&A]

Here is a link for YOU to read and think about.  Do NOT share it with your dh.  (It's our little secret!!)

http://www.udonet.com/circumcision/vincent/vulnerability_of_men.html

[1love4ever]

I live in a town with one hospital, one clinic, 2 pediatricians, a few family practice Drs, and 2 OB's.  The next town is 45 miles away which is even smaller and I dont even know if they have someone who does circ there lol.  So it wont be too hard to make sure everyone knows not to circ my son.

And thank you for that article PP, that has some excellent points and I think that is the main reason why DH acts the way that he does, it makes sense!!

[BubbleMa]

I know the words of a stranger probably won't sway your SO, but I've worked in child care for over 10 years and every year there are more and more boys that are intact.  In my current class (toddlers), it's about 1/2 and 1/2.  So there are definitely plenty of intact boys around these days.

[BrightLights]

There is something wrong with your dp if he's so untrustworthy that you'd have to call even one doctor's office to keep him from getting your son circumcised.

Maybe you could make a deal. He waits until your son can consent to surgery, or at least until your son can retract on his own, before he brings up circumcision OR he can talk to you about circumcising your son as soon as he (your dp) breaks the connections between his own fingernails and nail beds.

[1love4ever]

 I know I should not have to worry about this.  It is something he feels very strongly about apparently, and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he himself is circ.  I think reading the short article that A&A provided the link to would explain a little bit to you, PP.  I am trying to be understanding of DPs position and feelings while not allowing this to happen.  As I said in my OP, I dont think DP would do this, but I want to have all the bases covered just in case, and I want to know my rights as a parent and what is legal for the hospital to do, etc.  I am a planning type of person.  I did not write this thread to have my DP insulted, so please do not do that, I know he is wrong.

When DD was born, I had serious doubts about vaccination but allowed myself to be persuaded by the Drs into vaccinating.  I had little info or knowledge about the matter, and DP was also for it (he was raised like most "normal" Americans, believing that vaccines prevent disease and are harmless), which further persuaded me.  After I began doing more research and stumbled upon mdc, I was horrified about what I learned and immediatly vowed to never vaccinate again.  I brought it up to DP who freaked out and said this was going to kill our DD because she would surely get one of the horrible diseases that vaccines Prevent.  After many months he has finally accepted not vaccinating, and even believes that it is better NOT to vax now!  So I am hoping that I can convince him that this is the right decision too in the same way.   I guess all I really did last time was to throw in random facts about vaccination into conversations, and told him that I am not a stupid person and have certainly done my research and would not come to such an important decision lightly.  I guess this is the reason that I asked if anyone has any short but powerful statements agaisnt circ, so I could throw them into our conversations.

Thanks for the advice everyone!

[hakunangovi]

Your DP just needs to understand that you are talking about purely COSMETIC surgery, which has many inherent risks.  This is your son's body. Your son's penis, and it should him and him alone who gets to decide if he wants it modified.  This is not a decision that anyone else has a right to make.

[1love4ever]

Yes this is the point I am trying to get accross to him.  So far when I bring it up I can barely get a single thing said before he cuts me off and says he does not want to hear it and is done talking about it.  Believe me, I am trying.  Our son is not due til Nov so I have plenty of talking time left :)

I am also going to talk to our midwife about it at my next appt, DP will not likely be there because he is gone working for awhile.  I am going to have her bring it up at our next appointment when we ARE together, and also at the birth classes she offers that we will be attending.  I think this will help a lot, and then maybe he will be willing to listen to anything else I have to say that she may not cover.  My DP is still more one of those people who believes in "modern medicine", that doctors know a lot and will tell you everything you need to know.  Since I was in the nursing program and learned A LOT about how modern medicine REALLY works, and I have of course told him about it, he has gotten better about not thinking this way.  He has come A LONG way since we have been together.  Honestly it is a lot for anyone to absorb- he has changed his whole lifestyle and compromised on almost everything that he used to do, such as vaccinating, eating garbage, using harmful cleaners, believing that the hospital was the only safe place to give birth, he really has come a long way.  When I would first say OK we are changing, he would throw a fit, but then just accept it, so I am hoping he can come to terms with this as well.

I am so happy that this is such an active thread!  Thanks for all the responses everyone!

[ElliesMomma]

look for the link to the video Elephant in the Hospital. it's a very logical, very calm indictment against circumcision. it's presented by a man. who is so calm and unemotional. and yet, so convincing against the perceived "need" to circumcise. watch it yourself. then, perhaps, find a way to share it with your DH.

has your husband threatened to go and get it done himself, or are you just being paranoid/worrying about the possibility?

i would NOT tell him that you are going to the ped. to preempt such a thing. just stay calm yourself and be firm. that he has to convince YOU why your son needs surgery on a healthy, functioning body part. if there is no medical reason for circumcision, then it's purely cosmetic. therefore, the onus is on HIM to prove to YOU why your newborn needs cosmetic surgery. that's your line, it's ALL TRUE, and you will stick to it.

[1love4ever]

I will watch that, thank you.  No he has not threatened to go get it done himself, I am just worrying about the possibility, being paranoid.  I will certainly not mention it to him!  And yes I will ask him to explain to me why he thinks our son needs this cosmetic procedure.  Obviously we all know that he can not come up with any truely good reasons, and I can come up with a million against the surgery, so you know who will win lol.  Maybe I can even get my midwife to show a video about circ at our birth classes:)

[mama24-7]

Originally Posted by BrightLights 

There is something wrong with your dp if he's so untrustworthy that you'd have to call even one doctor's office to keep him from getting your son circumcised.

Maybe you could make a deal. He waits until your son can consent to surgery, or at least until your son can retract on his own, before he brings up circumcision OR he can talk to you about circumcising your son as soon as he (your dp) breaks the connections between his own fingernails and nail beds.

welcome BrightLights.  please read this article, it will help you to understand why this person's dp is adamant.  http://www.udonet.com/circumcision/vincent/vulnerability_of_men.html  the only thing that is wrong w/ this person is that 1. they were circumcised through no fault of their own  2. cultural conditioning  3. protection of himself from dealing w/ the pain of this realitiy.  i do hope you'll stick around & work at helping others to deal w/ this.  it is not easy and the mothers looking for support need our support, not pointing out the flaws in their partners.

sincerely,

sus

[mama24-7]

Originally Posted by 1love4ever 

I will watch that, thank you.  No he has not threatened to go get it done himself, I am just worrying about the possibility, being paranoid.  I will certainly not mention it to him!  And yes I will ask him to explain to me why he thinks our son needs this cosmetic procedure.  Obviously we all know that he can not come up with any truely good reasons, and I can come up with a million against the surgery, so you know who will win lol.  Maybe I can even get my midwife to show a video about circ at our birth classes:)

i'm wondering two things:  1.  maybe you should not bring it up to him any more.  you've said you won't let it happen.  you do not need to convince him, you just need to protect your child.  2.  alternatively, what if you start bringing it up via email?  i think there was another mom on here who did that.  tammysmith, i think it was.  you can send a link or two that way & he can digest it (or not) at his own pace.

you're in a tough spot.  i hope he comes around, but if not, at least you know your son won't have to deal w/ the same pain.

sus

[A&A]

I'm so glad you found the link helpful.  I think an approach of "wow, I love you, sexy man, and by the way, we're not circumcising our son," is the best approach for men who are sensitive about their own circs. 

[AfricanQueen99]

My partner was very pro-circ, too...and, like you, every conversation ended in me crying and him being annoyed that I wouldn't just stop talking about it. So I wrote him a letter with all my reasons for not having this done to our son. He read it while alone and didn't have me hounding him. It worked! I got him to *listen* and he got to really understand my points without emotion. I also wrote at the end that I still loved *his* penis, but this wasn't about him.

Maybe that would work for you?

[1love4ever]

That is a very good idea AfricanQueen, thank you!!  I can not beleive that I did not think of that, that is an excellent idea!  If you would like to tell me more about what you wrote, please PM me so I can get a really good idea of what to say!   :)