Anyone one else with in home nursing care? Help!

[hannahgrace]

My guy K qualifies for 30 hours a week of skilled nursing care (RN care). He has a GJ tube, oxygen, hypotonia, bilaterial hearing loss and global delays. He had multiple aspiration pnemonias and had chronic upper airway congestion He's an easy going happy 2.5 year old, but most people who meet him think he's about 10-12 mo. as he's small (well he's chubby but short) and he acts like a 10-12 mo. old baby. He is smart and very alert. He can identify many things just has lots of delays because of his physical disabilities and hearing loss. He has a twin brother who doesn't qualify for nursing and I had him in daycare 3 days a week, but now he is at home with me full time. He is similar in development just without the tube and oxygen.

So we right now have our awesome laid back summer nurse. She's great. She fits in so well to our family. But she will be leaving in Sept and we will get back our fall/winter/spring nurse. I am so dreading her coming back. She started out okay but then just started takign over way too many aspects of our lives. The twins were just adopted and she invited herself to the adoption ceremony. She also invited herself to the boys school plannning meetings. I felt that was overstepping her boundaries. She has stated to me many times that she is committed to our family forever. She is always bringing gifts for the boys and my daughter. She is very supportive of our use of homeopathy and natural family living. She is great with the kids and my daughter LOVES her. She is so good with my son. She reads to him, does therapy with him, and just is a good care giver. I do like her...but at the same time these past two months without her have been so nice and relaxing.

At first, the gifts and friendly-ness were nice. Now its just I dont know, it is too much. I want my life back. I want our family to be a family. I want to be the mom. She takes over my son while she is his nurse. Like I try to hold him, she will take him back. I had a La Leche event where my son that she doesnt provide nursing care for - he was with me. She kept coming outside and checking on him and reminding me that he needed a nap. Just things like that. Or when I have a friend over for lunch, she will sit down with us and dominate the conversation. My one friend who comes over for lunch often asked what days she could come when the nurse wasnt working so that we could talk just us. So I feel uncomfortable having friends over because of her.

My mom thinks she is manipulating us by always giving gifts and saying things like how committed she is and trying to take over our family and control us. My husband thinks she is just a lonely empty nester who is a type A personality. Me, I just think I want a quieter life again. Yes my boys have a lot of special needs but maybe I can do it on my own. ( i just had two weeks alone with the boys and it went great.) They have also been much healthier on the respiratory standpoint. We have a new protocol of herbs and supplements in place and since starting, the boys have been so so so healthy. The transformation is amazing. Yay homeopathy and herbs! I also dont want to sacrifice the boys health and development for my personal annoyances.

I am SO non-confrontational. Its terrible how terrible I am at confrontation.  I dont know what to do. If she comes back, I will have to set major limits. I am already sure I am reducing the days I get nursing to no more than two a week. Or I could just ask for another nurse. Or I can just stop having nursing. After two long years of fostering these guys and having so many people involved in our life, maybe its time to close our doors a bit more. I know she will be heart broken if I tell her we are finished. I hate hurting people. I know she loves the kids.

This just more a vent than asking for advice...but if you have any nuggets of wisdom - I am all ears. Thank you.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by hannahgrace 

I am SO non-confrontational. Its terrible how terrible I am at confrontation.  I dont know what to do. If she comes back, I will have to set major limits. I am already sure I am reducing the days I get nursing to no more than two a week. Or I could just ask for another nurse. Or I can just stop having nursing.

I've never been in your situation, so I may just be talking out my arse. But she sounds like a total PITA and you sound like you really don't want to tell her that. Calling the place requesting a totally different nurse seems like the easiest way out.

And while it sounds like you could cut back on how many hours a week and try easing off the help, I honestly wouldn't go straight to zero. It's my experience that getting it back after cutting it off could be tricky, and doing simple things that we all have to do like shopping and doctor's appointments would be far easier with an extra set of hands.

You have a right to run your home the way you want to.

Peace

[FarmerBeth]

I've never had home nursing care for my kids, but I've been the one to provide the home nursing care for others (as an LPN, not an RN, though).  I think it's not only in your and your family's best interests to ask for a different caregiver when it seems so many professional boundaries are being inappropriately (even if in a well meaning way) crossed.  I think it's in the nurse's best interest, too.  Your son's and your family's needs will naturally change over time, one day you won't need her and she will have to adjust to not being "part of the family" in her eyes, with hurt feelings all around.  After two months with the summer nurse, this would be an easy and natural time to make nursing care changes you are more comfortable with, and it would be way less awkward than if you felt you had to change things after she started back in full swing.

I agree with Linda on the Move that you would be best not to go down to no nursing care suddenly.  Why not try a little less visits for a while (like a couple of months a while) to see and you can keep cutting down from there if it's working for you.  That way you're still in the system if anything comes up, and it gives you adjustment time.

Good luck with it all!

[Lakeeffectsnow]

I saw this in new posts and I have to say as a RN, she has crossed many professional boundaries.  It happens sometimes.  I have provided in home care to both adults and pediatrics.  It is hard not to get too involved with the family, but ultimately isn't good for the family or the nurse.

Can you get another nurse?  You can talk to the supervisor about why you would like another RN or you just blame it on not being a good fit.  If you don't want to do that, you could start setting boundaries.  No gifts, no coming out to lunch with you and your friends (either leave your son at home with her if it is possible or give her a few hours off), and remind her over and over you are his mother.  

The truth is she is not part of the family and and she is not a friend.  I'm not being harsh, but like a previous poster said your son's needs will change and she will eventually be out of a job.

[bandgeek]

I just had to fire a nurse over this type of behavior.  It was the same situation.  At first she was just very helpful, but it turned into....more.  She was using the "extra" things she did as a way to control us.  She was also trying very hard to be my girlfriend and that just wasn't going to happen.  I hired another nurse 6 months after she started (we get 91 hours so we have 2-3 nurses on staff all the time) and I DID become friends with that nurse, which I've never done before.  But we have a lot in common and have kids the same age so we'll see each other "outside of work".  Well I think the other nurse got jealous because she started getting VERY overbearing.  And there was other stuff.  Making comments about my parenting or my diet (I'm vegan).  She just didn't have a concept of BOUNDARIES.  The last straw was when I found out she talking badly about me behind my back.  Oh and then after I fired her, she reported the other nurse (my friend) to our waiver case manager for some (unfounded) stuff and now she's being investigated.  I swear she was just jealous of her.  So sad that she's a 41 year old woman that never seemed to get past middle school maturity.

I would get another nurse if that is what your gut says.  GO WITH YOUR GUT.  Sometimes we don't listen to what our gut says because we worry about the social implications, but it's the best thing to do in this situation.  You need to feel comfortable in your own home.  You need to feel comfortable with who is taking care of your child.  If you go through an agency, just let them know you'd prefer a different nurse.  No confrontation involved.