I don't know who my dad is...

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

I wish i could say that i have gotten over this issue, but it seems to keep coming back and haunting me in little ways. and this is the hand of life i was dealt, but I just don't know how to be content with the fact that I will never know where half of me came from. Growing up life wasn't that great, and I always had these optimistic ideas of what my dad might be like, but now almost 30, I know that one contender is dead, the other either doesn't want to see me or is not capable of being contacted and the third is more than likely not. I have to go on speculation as the many years prior to my moms death i pried and tried to get the answer to the this question, but mom either denied  having contact with a couple of the guys and the 'one' was just unreachable. I.e. she doesn't remember his 'name'. All those years I believed everything my mom said about the situation ,but now looking back and being grown-up, a mom, someone more seasoned in the adult life, i realize that, yes she could have lied about the situation, i want to believe what she told me back then, but the story she tells just doesn't add up. Maybe she was trying to protect me from hurt, maybe he didn't want to meet me, but now she is not here to question so I cannot go back and time and ask things differently. My aunts do encourage me to find answers and they truly are my only resources for finding any truth. I am who I am because of my circumstances and what i believed about my dad. But I don't knwo if the questions will ever stop bugging me. . One wound of many that i can't seem to shake of who I am.

So there is my rant or melancholy post for the night....

[dragonchild]

If it is really bugging you, you could have a look into DNA testing. It's harder for women, especially if they don't have their mother available to be tested as well, but you may still be able to find out something about your paternal ancestry. They often turn up (3rd? 4th?) cousins, for instance, and it is possible you could trace it back down to one or another of the 'possible fathers'. 23andme.com is one I have heard a fair bit about since they have done a lot of testing for people whose genetic fathers were anonymous sperm donors.

My sympathy. I hope you can find some answers that help.

[kayleesmom]

just sending hugs.

[cameragirl]

You have a very good chance of finding family after testing with 23andme. I have over 600 cousins listed, and many are 3rd cousins. That is often enough to get started.

[LROM]

I hear you on how much this recurs for you as a hurt and unresolved pain.  This will probably sound impossible to do but I really believe it's what holds the most likely success for you re: your feelings around all this:  continue with your search while trying hard to also understand that at this stage, you are who you make yourself to be.  Your father, whoever he is/was, is only influencing your life in his absence at this stage.  Whoever he is and whatever you may come to learn about him (good or bad), YOU are the one creating your life and your identity from here on out.

Not that what has happened before doesn't have profound impact on us and our lives - of course it does.  But finding the identity of your father now, as much as it might give you peace of mind in some ways or answer some big questions for you, none of that will fix the things in your life that are hard today.

How do you feel about yourself?  Do you do work or study or do something with your days that you feel good about or at least that is a means to an end you feel good about?  Who is in your life and how do you feel about those relationships with the people you see regularly?

These are the places where if you nurture yourself and your goals, you are much more likely to find some greater sense of peace than answering this specific question, as huge a question as it is.

I don't wanna sound like I don't understand how profound it can be not knowing a parent.  Or not knowing WHY you don't know them.  It is seriously mind-messing!  I understand totally.  That's why I think you should keep looking if you still want to try to find him.

But I also know that sometimes a search like this feels like "If I can just answer this, i'll be so much happier or better off", and usually that isn't what happens.  Finding your dad may bring up even more questions/pains, as well as hopefully some smiles and good things.  But it won't change your daily life right now most likely, so if that's not what you want it to be, figuring out steps to what you want your life to look like/feel like is much more likely to lead you there than this issue.

My heart goes out to you and I really wish you luck in both finding your father but also finding peace re: what you mentioned as other hurts and things you are down about.  I hope you find a way to lift your whole self! 

[LionessMom]

I just wanted to offer hugs. My DH does not know who hos father is either. all his mom will tell him is that is was a one night stand from a bar. she says she cant remember who it was. it drove my dh nuts for years. after some searching he might have a name but cant find the guy listed anywhere. it weighs on him every day. i have no real advice for you but i did wnat to offer some hugs bc i can see how hard it is to not know like that.