I just want to cry. (vent)

[crunchy_mommy]

I was just looking at this lovely blog where mamas showed pics of the beautiful lunches/snack trays they made for their kids. Little sandwiches cut out into animal shapes, a beautiful assortment of colorful veggies and fruits and dips, a cute little treat or two...

How does anyone have time for that??? How do you keep a kid from throwing the whole artfully arranged tray on the floor??? It just epitomizes all the frustrations I have. I feel like every other mom has it all together and I am a mess and in survival mode even though DS is 2.5 and I should be getting into the groove of parenthood by now. Why is it so hard?!?!?

My DS is a maniac and we can't get anything done unless one of us (DH or I) is directly and constantly interacting with him, and even then, it's a crap shoot. He has no ability to entertain himself (never mind self-soothing or whatever) and he loves to cause chaos. We are lucky if we manage to eat a (quickly!) cooked meal once a day. The house is a wreck, not with toys and stuff but little broken parts of all the things DS destroys and bits of food that he's thrown all around and maybe some playdough purposely ground into the carpet.

Everything annoys him and in turn, everything he does annoys me, and DH and I are both so near our breaking point. The kid absolutely refuses to nap, but is NOT ready to stop napping, he is a miserable, destructive, dangerous mess, but there is absolutely nothing that works to get him to nap. He is scared of everything, he threw the (uncooked) lentil balls across the room because they were scary and was crying in the car because he thought it was going to fall off the road.

And of course, when we're out & about, he's an angel. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate him making me look good & all, but everyone thinks I'm insane if I complain about DS. No one understands that he's such a different kid at home, and no one understands how hard it is for him to function when we're out (he doesn't leave my side, he doesn't go play, he doesn't burn off energy -- he saves it all up for when we get home!) I keep him out all day most of the time, because he's so much easier to deal with, but it's exhausting, and once recently we tried just having a relaxing day at home and REALLY regretted it, he just needs to be out 24/7. I feel like a split personality because *I* am one person while out & about and a totally different person at home and no one has a clue how much pain I am hiding.

I am always too sick & tired to play with him and end up leaving it all to DH. Then I feel guilty for not playing with him more, and I really don't feel like I ever get a break because if I'm not entertaining DS (or nursing him or trying to keep him asleep), then I'm dealing with a lot of emotional crap and I just can't ever just BE and BE HAPPY.

I'm just so frustrated and I feel like I'm standing in my own way but at the same time I need to do what's best for DS and I have to keep working (WAH) and keep getting up in the morning and researching how to help DS and all I really want is to be able to STOP THINKING for just 5 minutes. UGH!!!!!

ETA: Sorry to vent here, I just feel like a cranky lunatic.
Edited by crunchy_mommy - 7/9/11 at 5:00pm

[Wolfcat]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

I was just looking at this lovely blog where mamas showed pics of the beautiful lunches/snack trays they made for their kids. Little sandwiches cut out into animal shapes, a beautiful assortment of colorful veggies and fruits and dips, a cute little treat or two...

How does anyone have time for that??? How do you keep a kid from throwing the whole artfully arranged tray on the floor??? It just epitomizes all the frustrations I have. I feel like every other mom has it all together and I am a mess and in survival mode even though DS is 2.5 and I should be getting into the groove of parenthood by now. Why is it so hard?!?!?

First of all, *big hugs* you are dealing with a lot. And the ideal is just that, ideal.

I think parents who manage to get that kind of thing done a) have too much time, AND b) don't have enough stuff to do on their own. I also think that that kind of thing is just a bit too... obsessive?

I also think that the "together" parents have a secret. It may be that they skip things that we don't know about, that they have help we don't see, or they are just that crazy... I don't know. But I know that I don't have the time or energy (to waste) on that stuff.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

And of course, when we're out & about, he's an angel. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate him making me look good & all, but everyone thinks I'm insane if I complain about DS. No one understands that he's such a different kid at home, and no one understands how hard it is for him to function when we're out (he doesn't leave my side, he doesn't go play, he doesn't burn off energy -- he saves it all up for when we get home!) I keep him out all day most of the time, because he's so much easier to deal with, but it's exhausting, and once recently we tried just having a relaxing day at home and REALLY regretted it, he just needs to be out 24/7. I feel like a split personality because *I* am one person while out & about and a totally different person at home and no one has a clue how much pain I am hiding.

We don't seem to have the same issues, but the bolded is EXACTLY THE SAME!!!!  My ds is an ANGEL everywhere but home.  Seriously.  It drives me BANANAS.  He puts on his little halo to go to school, he puts on his halo at the store, swimming lessons, everywhere.  Then when I'm having a rough day (today!!!) I can't complain to anyone b/c no one believes me!  They look at me like I have 2 heads and am naked or something.  It's crazy.  You can vent to me all you want, so long as I can do the same.

Much love mama, its hard (and I tell my ds I love him almost every 5 minutes - mostly to remind myself that I love him!!!)

[Dandelionkid]

The reason they took a picture is so it will last longer. I highly doubt this is normal, everyday for them :)

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

How does anyone have time for that??? How do you keep a kid from throwing the whole artfully arranged tray on the floor??? It just epitomizes all the frustrations I have. I feel like every other mom has it all together and I am a mess and in survival mode even though DS is 2.5 and I should be getting into the groove of parenthood by now. Why is it so hard?!?!?
 

How do you know it doesn't end up on the floor? I'm assuming they take the pictures before they give it to their child, right?

I just am not into food presentation at all, however my DH will do things like that. Probably not as elaborate as what you are describing, but instead of slapping a sandwich on a plate, he will arrange it so it looks like a butterfly with baby carrots for a body or something. Just things I would never think of doing but it doesn't take him much time. But if you have a talent for it and like doing it, it doesn't take as much time as you think. Don't compare yourself to people like that, I'm sure there are things that you enjoy doing and do way better than they ever could!

And overall, I think that 2.5 yo is just a rough age! My youngest was crazy at 2.5 yo and he did not just save it for at home. Pushing, biting, hitting, etc. But kids do change so keep the faith. Mine is 7 now and while of course he isn't perfectly behaved all the time, he is much, much better.

[beachbaby]

Just wanted to offer a  and let you know that you are not alone. My DD (5.5) is very much like you described--SN and extremely intense (sensory and anxiety issues, inability to self-soothe or play independently) and many, many days I feel overwhelmed by her needs. Just yesterday, I asked myself "Why can't it ever be EASY? Just once?".  For me and for her.

I'm sorry you are feeling down. Reading blogs like that hurt my heart, too.

[nextcommercial]

I kinda get it.  Not to the extreme you are talking about.

I have a daycare, and we can't do calender because they will just pull the numbers off and destroy all my hard work.  I can't hang anything within their reach because they will just yank it all off the walls.

This started with one child two years ago.  That child is no longer here... but, I don't know how to make this destructive behavior stop.  I have all wonderful, enjoyable kids... but, I can't figure out how to fix this.  I can't even imagine trying to do anything Montessori-ish, because they could never handle it.  The big kids have to do all their projects at the tall counter.  

So... I feel for you.  And, obviously, I have no ideas for you... only sympathy.

[VocalMinority]

You are SO FAR from being the only mother of a 2 1/2-y-o who feels this way!!!!

I have 2 suggestions and let me preface them by saying I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, or add to all the things you already have to do.  In my experience (and I have a lot of it, at this point), I truly think these things will help.

#1- MAKE yourself play with him.  Again, I am NOT judging how much you currently play with him. After having twins in my twenties, I thought having one little toddler in my 30's would be a piece of cake and I'd just spend all day playing with him until he had to go to school.  But, the reality is, it can be very hard to find the time to just put all the work aside and play.  DON'T think of it in these terms:  "I'm a bad parent.  I don't play with him enough.  Before I know it, he'll be grown up and I won't have the chance anymore."  Then, deep down, you'll want to play with him even less.  Think of it as an investment:  "If I sacrifice what I'm doing right now, to interact with him, my life will be easier afterward."  Now, that may not be true the first time you do it.  But, if you make a habit of sitting down with him at least once a day, but ideally for many short periods, throughout the day, I'd be very surprised if his behavior at home did not improve.  Many toddlers have trouble entertaining themselves constructively (DEstructive entertainment, however, is very easy).  And many toddlers who crave Mom's attention figure out that they can get it - even if it's exasperated attention - by destroying things.

Experiment with what will hold his attention.  Get out crayons and blank paper.  You draw, talk with him about what you're drawing, and see if he wants to participate.  No?  Don't push it.  Move on.  Dig for bugs.  Get out small amounts of dry beans, uncooked rice, cornmeal (or whatever) and some small bowls or an empty eggcrate, with some spoons - and "cook" (somewhere where it's OK that he makes a mess).  Go out right after it rains and draw with chalk on the sidewalk (extra-vibrant colors).  Get a "lettuce knife" from the dollar store. (They look like a big, serrated knife, but they're plastic & safe).  Give him a cutting board and a cucumber, bell pepper, celery stalk or some lettuce leaves and let him think you're putting what he butchers into the salad you serve, at dinner.  Take a bath with him and play.  Crazy as it sounds, my little boy likes to sit on our big bed, take the pins out of my pincushion one by one, and stick them into the bed, grouped by color.  Alone and bored, I hate to think what he'd do if he found my pincushion (throw it through the window?  Acupuncture the dog?) But if he has my attention, he feels very grown up getting to play with my sharp pins and he loves it if I show interest in how he sorts them, whether he can count them, name the colors, etc.

As he gets used to having your attention, and as he learns some things he can do that are interesting, besides wreaking havoc, you should find that:

1- When you need to do something, you may be able to get him started in a favorite activity nearby, do it with him for a few minutes, then transition to what you need to work on while he continues the activity.

2- He may be less inclined to seek your attention by destroying things, once he feels confident that he'll get your attention ANYWAY, as soon as you're done washing the dishes.

#2- Lower your expectations.  Every mom of toddlers isn't making bento every day.  And if they are, then God gave them less-demanding kids.  Or maybe their kids secretly spend every minute plopped in front of the TV, when they're home.  There are enough reasons for frustration, without kicking yourself for failing to be the Martha Stewart of Mother's Day Out.  I remember feeling "less than", when I was a young mom.  And now I know what it's like to be an "old" mom and to feel pretty confident that I know what I'm doing with my baby and anyone who judges me because my house isn't spotless can just go change his poopy diaper, if you know what I mean!  It is so much more peaceful, to feel the way I do now - so much easier to enjoy my toddler.  And the difference is ENTIRELY in my own head.  Give yourself license to be less than "perfect".

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by Wolfcat 

I think parents who manage to get that kind of thing done a) have too much time, AND b) don't have enough stuff to do on their own. I also think that that kind of thing is just a bit too... obsessive?

Or they could just be into bento, like some people are into scrapbooking or knitting.  Cookie cuttering sandwiches and having all kinds of neat little gadgets to make easy, neat work of things like that isn't a moral failing.  Nor is it a moral failing to not be into it.  There's no need to cast aspersions on either side, KWIM?

I agree with a PP--there's a reason why someone takes a picture.  :D  And in any case, it's all going to become poop or vaccuum cleaner bait anyway.  But if it's your hobby, it's fun.

OP, if Look At My Perfect Life Online mommy blogs depress you, it might be a good time to stop reading them for a bit.  Or at least add a few bitchy blogs into your reading routine as well for balance.  Blogs are like magazines in a way.  (You know, like those pregnancy magazines with the pregnant models who don't look like they need to belch every 10 minutes, never look constipated or have the pubis synthesis agony pain face as they're strolling along the beach in the photoshoot--and not needing to toss their cookies in the bushes at the whiff of fishy beach?)

If you think you'd like to "cook cute", there are lots of really cool tools, from adorable little cookie cutters to egg molds (they turn hard boiled eggs into different shapes!), ect.  I don't have much time to look at bento blogs these days (contrary to the quote above, my time is pretty limited, even though I like to surprise my kids with a cute lunch a couple of times a week), but I can see if I can find ones that show how-tos, not just the arranged finished product.  If you're going to get perfectionistic about it, I would not do that to yourself.  If you think you might enjoy it and will be able to laugh at yourself as you learn, with practice it can become pretty quick and easy.

The blog mommies have their kids throw things on the floor (or butterfinger their own trays onto the floor), make things that look like crap, ect. on occasion too.  IT's really too bad that people don't share more of those moments online (though there are some people out there that do, I guarantee you!), but keep in mind your baby is just a toddler and you're putting some pretty damn hefty expectations of them and yourself based on someone's best-foot-forward SNAPSHOT of a blog.  Cut it out.  There's nothing wrong with you or your kid.  It's okay to vent (as long as you're not mean to huge swaths of people you don't even know), hope you feel better and have found your smile again.

And seriously, for every OMFG I M PERFECT blog you read, you MUST find a bitchy/funny/wow that happens to you too?!? blog.  Promise me.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild 

Or they could just be into bento, like some people are into scrapbooking or knitting.  Cookie cuttering sandwiches and having all kinds of neat little gadgets to make easy, neat work of things like that isn't a moral failing.  Nor is it a moral failing to not be into it.  There's no need to cast aspersions on either side, KWIM?

And seriously, for every OMFG I M PERFECT blog you read, you MUST find a bitchy/funny/wow that happens to you too?!? blog.  Promise me.

LOL...Most of the blogs I read are the ones where Mom was emailing her best friend about the wonderful art project she just set up for her daughter... and the child used it to paint the bathroom walls while mom wasn't paying attention, and now Mommy needs a glass of wine.  

And, yes, those bento blogs are pretty neat.  I'd never mold my rice into the shape of a duck, but I do like to look at the pictures.  There's a whole "pool" of those photos on Flikr.  http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=laptop%20lunch  I love those, because I get some great ideas for lunches.... but, mine never look like theres.  It's actually an awesome diet tool. 

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild 

Or they could just be into bento, like some people are into scrapbooking or knitting.  Cookie cuttering sandwiches and having all kinds of neat little gadgets to make easy, neat work of things like that isn't a moral failing.  Nor is it a moral failing to not be into it.  There's no need to cast aspersions on either side, KWIM?

Sigh... Now I want a Hello Kitty Bento Box and an egg mold shaped like a rabbit..  http://pinterest.com/pin/50106564/

[Tigerchild]

I'm kinda sad that my kiddos are outgrowing wanting eggs shaped by egg molds.  :(  I really should sell mine on ebay (they're just cluttering up a drawer) but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it just yet! :)  We have the rabbit mold!  (and a fishy, star, car, heart, and a hello kitty one too, in case you want to bite her face as well as have a bento box with her on it!)

[Linda on the move]

I suspect that most moms making really cute food (or prefect little scrap books) aren't dealing with a special needs toddler. (or if they are, its' sort of zone out thing they find relaxing)

In so, so many ways I look like a looser moms compared to other moms. That, for me, has been part of the package deal of being the mother of a child on the autism spectrum.

I do my best with my kids, and I unwind by hanging out on the net, and I try to just let everything go. I've also spent time in therapy talking about how I feel about raising a child who is different.

Cut yourself some slack, and see if you can have your DH keep your child happy long enough to get some extra sleep and may be a bubble bath.

Things come and go in phases. This time last year, things were going really badly with my DD. Right now, things are going GREAT with her. The things that are happening for you and your son right now won't be this way forever.  I promise.

[swd12422]

CM, I was just coming on here to whine about our current "phase" that is driving me INSANE. I have to tell you, I'm right there with you about people thinking you're nuts for complaining about your perfect little angel. DS is the same, always has been. He would sit in the shopping cart and smile and wave like he was the king of the parade. And then we'd get home, and I couldn't even get the groceries put away before the conniptions started.

DH goes crazy when the toys aren't picked up, but *I'm* not the one who bought 600 legos on eBay! I don't waste my energy on that one bit.

And I'm an awful mom, too, if that means I don't play with him and make bunny-shaped eggs. Most days, we run errands all morning, come home, slap lunch on a plate and then I twitch my way through his S-L-O-W eating til it's naptime. Then I lie down with him and literally pray that he will fall asleep and give me some time to myself. He did drop his nap around 2.5-3, but I got him to start again after a few months. I don't like TV, but I was desperate, and it worked for me. He is much happier now that he's napping again. I wish I had a better recommendation, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do!]

My friend and I were just talking the other day about moms who put on their happy face and pretend it's all so easy and perfect, and it's not. It isn't for anyone, and we are both so sick of people who try to act like it is FOR THEM. It makes everyone else feel like crap. I love that people have the ability to stay positive under stress, but hate it when they won't even acknowledge that their lives aren't perfect, either. It's so phony. Being a mom IS great, but it's not all perfection, all the time. Isn't that why we're here on MDC?

[Lakeeffectsnow]

My oldest daughter was a very easy child.  I never had to baby proof the house.   I would tell her at 18 months, "Don't touch Mama;s purse" and she never touched it without asking.  She would help arrange the sandwiches in a butterfly pattern.  When I studied for my classes, she would pull her crayons and paper out and "study" while I read.  She slept through the night at 6 weeks.  I had no idea why other parents had trouble keeping the house picked up, getting meals made and finding sitters.   If OD had been my only child, I still be smug and secure in my superior parenting ability.  

Even though Oldest Son was three when I met DH, I assumed any difficulties I had with parenting him were because I had not raised him for the first three years.  Then I had Middle Son and it all fell apart.  He would not sleep.  Forget peaceful days of quietly nursing him while the older two played together.  He screamed all night, screamed all day, and only stopped when he was nursing.  He cried even while he nursed, I carried him in a sling until he was 18 months old.  He was not about to sit quietly and color while his siblings did school work.  He tossed toys at the dog, bit his sister, tore up every piece of paper he saw, and we ate take out for two years.  

Then I had Youngest Son.  Youngest Son made Middle Son look like and an angel baby.  Youngest Son must be occupied every moment of the day.  Even now if left unsupervised, he will dismantle the washing machine to see how it works, try and recreate and explosion from Youtube in the kitchen, and be filled with remorse and sadness for his misbehavior.  I still can't have a cup of coffee in peace unless he is out of the house or sitting right next to me reading his book.

OP some kids are not easy.  2.5 is not an easy age.  Go easy on yourself and on him.  I hope you find your groove with him soon

[funkymamajoy]

A picture is only about 1 second of their days. And you can't see the rest of the house (which I imagine is a complete diaster). I don't want to straight up say that mommy bloggers are lying, but there's a lot of omission happening.

[One_Girl]

Until my dd was four I didn't have much together beyond surviving and spending time with her.  We lived out of laundry baskets, threw things laying out in big tupperware boxes when people came over, and the most creative I got with food was cutting sandwiches into quarters instead of halves.  I don't think you are alone in feeling like life is chaotic.  I have yet to meet a mom who doesn't feel like that at times, especially when there are other things causing you stress.  I do think you may find that you enjoy your child more if you can make yourself drop your expectations for the house and just spend time with your son.  IME, when we are in a negative cycle where we both push each other away with our behavior it is very hard at first to force myself to be around my dd.  When I do make myself stay and ignore what is making me frustrated about her behavior it really does help her behavior.  It isn't easy though.  There is another thread on a different board about changing perspective that may help you (I think it is on the Gentle Discipline one).  It is hard and I have had to do it several times over the last 8 years, but it is also possible.  You may also find some useful ideas if you search through old threads or start a new one in the Family Bed/Nighttime Parenting area.

[crunchy_mommy]

Thanks for the support/advice/commiseration.

Obviously I'm not really upset about not making bento lunches. It's just one more of my *ideals* that was thrown out the window when DS was born. Though I do wish we ate eggs so we could use those molds. I really don't spend all day looking at blogs, I just happened to run across that one.

I don't think I really have high standards. I have dreams, but my daily standards are just to make sure we are all in one piece, fed, happy, and nothing expensive gets broken. I don't think that should be unrealistic, but it is. DS is usually unhappy, I'm usually not fed, and we now only have about 5 drink glasses left. We have TWO adults home all day and we still can't manage to keep the kid happy. I keep thinking, well if I give him lots of attention then when I need to do something maybe he'll let me... but that's not what happens, I can (and do) spend hours and hours and hours playing with him and then I can't even go to the bathroom or get a drink of water (never mind cook dinner!) without chaos ensuing. His new favorite trick is to turn off the computer while I'm doing stuff (he's supposed to be playing with DH) and then it takes me 20 minutes to reset the modem & router etc. and finish what I was doing. I'm not patient.

All the things I was holding out hope on are not really helping... We started EI and it's not making much difference, I started thyroid meds and if anything I feel worse, I have DH home all day (jobless at the moment) but it's still not enough, not to mention I'm terrified for him to find a job because I really don't think I can do it myself again!! I think I need therapy to deal with some issues but I don't think we can afford it. We want a second kid but seem to have fertility issues, complicated by the fact that I'm crazy for trying because I can't even handle one kid. Now we are about to head out for the afternoon because I know it's the only way DS will be somewhat happy, but all I really want to do is stay home and do nothing.

[onlyzombiecat]

crunchy_mommy- I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with your ds.

I had a hard time playing with my dd when I was so worn out and stressed. It doesn't make you a bad mom. You are at your limits. If you can it sounds like you need some time to yourself. I bet it would help you to deal with your ds better. Focus on getting that break rather than playing with your ds or making cute food right now.

I'd also recommend you stop reading those blogs if they make you feel bad. As you said you are in survival mode. Don't stress about doing what someone else is doing that you aren't. You don't know their whole story either. Your ds looks like an angel when you are out so I promise you that people with a child who is not an angel when they are out are looking at you in wonder and frustration and wondering what your secret is.

[bodhitree]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

Thanks for the support/advice/commiseration.

Obviously I'm not really upset about not making bento lunches. It's just one more of my *ideals* that was thrown out the window when DS was born. Though I do wish we ate eggs so we could use those molds. I really don't spend all day looking at blogs, I just happened to run across that one.

I don't think I really have high standards. I have dreams, but my daily standards are just to make sure we are all in one piece, fed, happy, and nothing expensive gets broken. I don't think that should be unrealistic, but it is. DS is usually unhappy, I'm usually not fed, and we now only have about 5 drink glasses left. We have TWO adults home all day and we still can't manage to keep the kid happy. I keep thinking, well if I give him lots of attention then when I need to do something maybe he'll let me... but that's not what happens, I can (and do) spend hours and hours and hours playing with him and then I can't even go to the bathroom or get a drink of water (never mind cook dinner!) without chaos ensuing. His new favorite trick is to turn off the computer while I'm doing stuff (he's supposed to be playing with DH) and then it takes me 20 minutes to reset the modem & router etc. and finish what I was doing. I'm not patient.

All the things I was holding out hope on are not really helping... We started EI and it's not making much difference, I started thyroid meds and if anything I feel worse, I have DH home all day (jobless at the moment) but it's still not enough, not to mention I'm terrified for him to find a job because I really don't think I can do it myself again!! I think I need therapy to deal with some issues but I don't think we can afford it. We want a second kid but seem to have fertility issues, complicated by the fact that I'm crazy for trying because I can't even handle one kid. Now we are about to head out for the afternoon because I know it's the only way DS will be somewhat happy, but all I really want to do is stay home and do nothing.

I totally get your frustration with having everything constantly ruined and broken, and with not being able to go to the bathroom without chaos and/or a huge fit resulting. My kiddo is somewhat easier to deal with than yours sounds, but there are days when I feel completely crushed by the chaos and destruction that a 2yo can cause. The only thing I have tried that has helped is to deny her access to stuff that she can destroy, at least to the extent that I can. No computer stuff in reach (since she destroyed my iTouch and laptop within the space of two weeks), no breakable dishes, crayons only with supervision, etc. And to deal with the unrelenting demands for attention, I have a two-pronged approach. First, I am trying to work on teaching her that she is capable of waiting a moment or two for what she wants. That helps a bit, but honestly she still throws fits pretty frequently. Second, I admit to turning on the TV (to one of her shows from Netflix) when I just need her to be quiet and not bug me for a while. For me, I decided allowing her to watch some TV will be less harmful to her than a mom who is constantly going nuts from not having a moment's personal or psychological space. YMMV.

And if it makes you feel better, there are no beautiful bento lunches at our house. I slap some leftovers on a plate, and that's what we eat. And a lot of it usually ends up on the floor.