Pregnant and Always Frustrated/Impatient with My 3 Yr Old

[not_telling]

I need some coping suggestions.  DS is about to turn three and therefore is at the prime push-mommies-buttons stage.  I am about 6 months pregnant.  While there's always been something to make me feel frustrated with DS at least once a day for at least the last year, I'm finding that I'm feeling almost perpetually frustrated...and feeling unable to hide that frustration from DS.  E.g. yelling, putting him down for nap/bedtime without my usual warm mommy loviness, having an annoyed look on my face...etc.!

I don't know how much to chalk up to being pregnant, vs. DS's age vs. hot weather....but I need to figure out some way to break this cycle because I'm not happy about so many of our interactions.  Example from today: We had to leave the house to exchange a shirt for my husband and get a gift for my dad.  DS was in underpants and I needed to switch him to a diaper.  We happened to be in the bathroom, washing hands, so I told DS that we needed to switch to diapers and he should try to pee before we left.  He started insisting that he didn't want to pee using the potty in the bathroom (potty seat on big toilet)...rather, he wanted to go pee in the potty downstairs.  I explained, calmly, several times, that if he peed downstairs I'd have to carry the potty upstairs and dump it into the big toilet potty anyway, so it would be easier if he just peed in the big toilet to begin with....instead of making more work for mommy.  He continued to refuse and ultimately I just changed him into a diaper without having him go potty.  Did I stay calm?  No.  I angrily said things like, "well, maybe we'll just take away your downstairs potty and you'll always have to go upstairs when you want to pee and poop." and "You better not pee in this diaper.  This diaper better be dry when we get home." and "Maybe you should stay home and pee where you want to and I'll go to the store by myself."

Who am I?

Usually on weekends DH takes over much of the DS-related duties (e.g. naptime, meals), but he's been pretty busy the last few weekends working on installing our patio...so maybe also I'm not getting as much of a break as I usually do.  Which doesn't bode well for when DH is away for 2 weeks at the end of August into September.

[lifeguard]

I don't know what to say except to commiserate. This evening ds went to bed screaming & crying & me fuming. Why? Because once again he refused to put on his pj's so I said "fine, no books" & walked out. End of a long day of "fighting" with a 2.5 year old, a hot, humid day & my aching hips & I just don't have the patience I wish I did. (FWIW - dh came in & laid with him until he calmed down)

I have been trying to create distance for both of us when I feel I am reaching these points. I have also recently started quiet time in the afternoon where he must stay in his room. It's not perfect (today he came out about 30 times) but it gives me a bit of break from the constantness that is a toddler.

[NicaG]

Wait, are you me??? Also pregnant with a soon-to-be three year old here. I have decided not to fight the potty battles right now, dd is mostly in diapers and we'll try again in a month. It was making me too crabby to clean up the constant yucky mess. Our daily challenge is bedtime. I feel like I deal ok with the difficult behavior all day, but in the evening I'm tired and desperate for a break and some rest, and that's when dd gets really really difficult. Fights taking a shower, demands a bath, won't get out of the bath, must put on pjs herself, won't get in bed, needs a hundred specific toys in her bed with her, most of which are scattered throughout the house, calls us back upstairs for water, blanket adjustments, etc etc. By the time she finally quiets down it's sometimes 9:30 and I am frustrated to the point of tears. By that tme the bedtime routine has gone on for 2+ hours. She also refuses to let dh do any part of this, so it's all me. Tonight I broke down and started yelling because I was so sick of being called up and down the stairs, and it's hot and I have a headache and I just want a few minutes to myself. I also have a six-year-old, and I feel bad that I'm ignoring him to deal with dd's difficult behavior so often. Wish this phase would pass!

[anjsmama]

 I find that no matter what I do, I fail sometimes. My DS is a month younger than yours, and I had my second baby in January. He wasn't quite as challenging then (2.5 years) though it was really difficult. But after my DD was born, I realized it wasn't at all the pregnancy making me feel/act that way. It was just my general frustration with the way a 2 or 3 year old does things. And it only increased when DD got here because say - I really wanted him to be quiet for 3 minutes while DD fell asleep - he'll run around imitating DD intentionally so she CAN'T sleep. 

Just remember that this behavior (I want THAT potty, and not THOSE underwear because we're going to THAT place.. and with my DS ... I want to SIT on the potty like Mom not STAND like Daddy.... yada yada yada) is totally typical 2-3 year old stuff and is NOT personal and even though it FEELS personal (and I know it does!), your little man really just wants to figure things out. He just wants to prove his independence about everything, test limits, find out which rules are enforced and which aren't so important. Anyway, I have found that a HUGE thing that improves the interactions between me and DS is when I tell him that I've done the wrong thing. If I've yelled at him, or put him in his room for a nap without cuddling, or what-have-you, I tell him that it wasn't his fault.

Example - He pooped in his pull-up and I told him it was "gross" and asked him why he didn't tell me or go into the bathroom. He made up some random answer and I told him not to lie. Then I put him in his bed and closed the door. I calmed down, and then I went to get him. I gave him a hug, told him sorry, and that it wasn't his fault. I told him I realized Mommy was probably busy when he really needed me, and that had nothing to do with him. I said Mommy is frustrated and tired, and it isn't your fault that I'm upset. Can you forgive me? I don't know if he totally understands the concepts, but the point always gets there - he gives me a hug and comes hopping back to play. There's a lot less defiance and madness for the rest of the day. Then I feel less frustrated and exhausted, and he feels less unhappy, and there's a lot less angry words. It's been hard - I'm still learning! Good luck.

[NicaG]

Chiming back in to say that one thing that really helps here (well, until bedtime crazies) is offering choices all day long. Like, "it's time to go, do you want to walk to the car or jump to the car?" or "it's time to use the toilet, do you want me to lift you up, or do you want to use the stool and climb up yourself?" The trick is offering two alternatives that are acceptable to you, and cheerfully saying , "that's not one of the choices" when dc wants to do something unacceptable to you. This doesn't work with every child (my ds wasn't into it) but for some kids it's really great for deescalating power struggles.

[not_telling]

Thanks for sharing your stories, ladies .  It really is such a hard age and I feel like, generally, I've done really well patience-wise, until recently.  We do make sure to offer choices to DS all day long (which is a good suggestion).  More and more often now, he will keep harping on an unoffered choice (which sometimes is fine, and sometimes totally not) or (grrr!) he will just ignore me/us.  Or he does the changing-his-mind-every-second thing.  I do a lot of clearly and fairly calmly stating consequences..."If you keep yes-no-yes-no-ing about having songs at naptime, I'm going to have to leave the room without doing sings."

I find myself really craving, more so than ever, time to myself...and lots of it....these days.  Don't know if that 's pregnancy-related or been-at-home-with-my-kid-for-3-years-related...  He was doing great with 2.5-3 hours naps for a while...which was thrilling because for soooo long he only slept 45-75 minutes.  But now he's back on shorter naps (1-1.5 hrs) and it just makes me CRAZY when he wakes up so soon because I just want more time to myself.  He'll be starting preschool 3 mornings a week in September, which hopefully will be great for both of us...and 6 weeks later I'll have a newborn.

I absolutely appreciate the idea of letting your kid know when you could have done things better, but I just have such a hard time with that.  We do often discuss our "big fusses" (as we call them) after the fact...what precipitated them, why mommy felt so frustrated, how we both behaved...but I often have a hard time saying that I made a "mistake" (e.g. leaving his room at naptime without doing cuddles)..I guess because I can't imagine being fuming/enraged/etc. and still cuddling or singing in a nice way.  In fact, I've tried, and it always comes out wrong ("hugging" way too hard, singing way too fast and angrily).  I do at least try to let him know, when we talk about it later, that I love him very much and how I hope the next day will be better.

Funny thing is, when DH is having a hard time with DS's behaviors, I find that even if it's the end of the day, I suddenly feel more patient and can step in and help de-escalate the situation.