or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › need some CPS advice - if we call would they do anything?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

need some CPS advice - if we call would they do anything?

post #1 of 30
Thread Starter 

so, i have a SIL who is divorced with 3 boys (9, 11, 16).  her XH was a terrible husband, but a pretty good dad, involved and fought for custody.  

3 weeks ago she met a man who has 3 kids (boy-17, girl-15, boy anywhere from 8-12).  SIL let this guy move into her house. she took the 9 and 11 year olds out of their rooms.  she gave their rooms to BF's 17 and 15 y.o.  now her two younger boys and the youngest boy of BF share her bed.  she and BF sleep on couches.  let me say that again: SHE HAS HER 2 SONS SHARING A BED WITH A BOY THEY DON"T KNOW.

 

two days ago two of her sisters found out and went to talk to her. they had an argument about it and she kicked them out of the house.  another brother went to talk to her and they fought and she kicked him out of the house.  this has only been going on for about 2 weeks.  when the brother was there he talked to her 11 year old son. the son said he didn't tell his dad because they didn't want his dad to be mad at his mom.  SIL's XH left for a two week vacation last week.  it turns out that the brother who spoke with SIL is going to the same place and has made plans to meet up with him in the next 2 days to tell him what is going on.  He is also going to tell him that the family will support him going to court to fight for custody because of this.  

 

but, even if he gets his lawyer on the phone immediately, it may take some time to get the kids out.  DH and i are thinking about calling CPS.  would CPS investigate over this? would they take the boys out over this? there are enough family members who would take the boys till their father got back (he is over seas in a very remote area and the earliest he could be back would be next weekend). but the question is: would CPS do anything?

post #2 of 30
Thread Starter 

and obviously, if we are willing to side with SIL's XH in court, then we aren't worried about her being mad about CPS, we just want the boys to be safe.

post #3 of 30
Unless there's evidence of abuse, I don't see what CPS could do. Yeah it sucks to be ousted from your room and have to share a bed, but I can't see how this is abuse or neglect. I think someone in your family needs to keep the connection with your nephews open so if something happens they have someone to tell. Telling Dad is fine. He needs to know. But CPS? I don't think so.
post #4 of 30

Even if CPS did remove the kids...that doesn't mean that they would get placed immediately with family.  It can take many, many months for family members to get approved sometimes.  And you don't get to pick which family members they would go to, if they would be separated, etc.  It's all in the hands of the government at that point.  And if no homes can take the kids, they can end up in a group home, mental home, or other random places until CPS gets around to placing them somewhere better.

 

I can't tell you if CPS would intervene or not because it varies so much by county.  But I've seen people call cps on other people expecting for things to then go their way or in their favor...and it doesn't always work like that.  Calling cps is not a way to get parents to do what you want.  In this case, it sounds like you could do a lot more harm than good by calling.  It seems like this could be worked through in your family (maybe with the help of a lawyer), with out involving cps.

post #5 of 30
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady View Post

Even if CPS did remove the kids...that doesn't mean that they would get placed immediately with family.  It can take many, many months for family members to get approved sometimes.  And you don't get to pick which family members they would go to, if they would be separated, etc.  It's all in the hands of the government at that point.  And if no homes can take the kids, they can end up in a group home, mental home, or other random places until CPS gets around to placing them somewhere better.

 

I can't tell you if CPS would intervene or not because it varies so much by county.  But I've seen people call cps on other people expecting for things to then go their way or in their favor...and it doesn't always work like that.  Calling cps is not a way to get parents to do what you want.  In this case, it sounds like you could do a lot more harm than good by calling.  It seems like this could be worked through in your family (maybe with the help of a lawyer), with out involving cps.


thanks. that is what we were thinking (that once you call it is out of your hands, that there is nothing you can do.  i was just checking all avenues. thanks

 

post #6 of 30
It would be nice if they had more bedrooms, but I don't see what the abusive situation is in this case?
post #7 of 30

I agree.  Sounds like mom might be making poor choices that make her kids uncomfortable but not dangerous ones.  And I don't see anything abusive.  I would be very scared to put kids who are not feeling scared or being hurt into "the system" because things might be worse for them if you do, kwim?  It does sound like it'll be good for the kids to have dad around when he gets back, though.

 

post #8 of 30
While sharing a bed with basically 'strangers' may be less than ideal, they will probably be much worse off being abruptly removed from their home & their parents... Are there other things going on that you are worried about, or is it just the sleeping arrangements?
post #9 of 30

so what you are saying is that a 9 year old and a 11 year old sharing a bed with a 8-12 year old? all boys. 

 

is there something wrong with that?

 

are the 9 and 11 year old uncomfortable with this situation? how do they feel about the 8-12 year old?

post #10 of 30

I would be much more concerned that a man that your SIL has only known for 3 weeks has now moved in. Still not CPS worthy -- but can family members invite her boys to visit for a while until their dad comes back? Very poor judgment, if nothing else.

post #11 of 30

I wouldn't involve CPS in this situation(it would take a hell of alot for me to call cps on anyone after what I've seen), but I don't see how 3 kids in one bed are sleeping properly. Some can't sleep properly with even just 2 in a bed. I think that is a bad decision. I hope they consider moving to a larger home and buy some more beds.

post #12 of 30



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

I wouldn't involve CPS in this situation(it would take a hell of alot for me to call cps on anyone after what I've seen), but I don't see how 3 kids in one bed are sleeping properly. Some can't sleep properly with even just 2 in a bed. I think that is a bad decision. I hope they consider moving to a larger home and buy some more beds.


There are children all over the world sleeping 3 or more to a bed, it did it myself as a child for some periods of time. We slept just fine.

 

I don't think I would call CPS with this "first world problem".
 

 

post #13 of 30
I am not at all understanding why CPS should be called. I'm sure all the kids involved would much rather stay together with their family even if it means sharing a room/bed with other kids they just met. If they were uncomfortable, they would be complaining or sleeping on the couch or floor.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
post #14 of 30

I would not call.  The kids are not in an unsafe situation.  They are in an uncomfortable situation and I really feel for them.  Certainly a serious lack of judgement by the adults involved as well.  You will have much better luck encouraging them to have the kids in separate beds than cutting off communication by calling CPS.  Having worked in child welfare, the chances of them investigating are slim to none.  Chances are they won't even write down a single note about the call. I wouldn't waste my time there.  I would try to work towards a solution.  If there are so many family members willing to care for these kids were CPS to pull them, are there also family members willing to step in and buy a bed or a blow up mattress to throw on the floor?  Ignore your feelings about these adults making poor decisions and do what you can to make the kids a bit more comfortable. 

 

ETA:  I would also agree with you regardless on supporting SIL's XH in the custody arrangements if mom is going to continue to allow men she's known for three weeks to live with her kids.  In my mind, THAT puts the kids at much greater risk than sharing a bed with another boy the same age.  Emotionally I can understand how the whole thing is going to be very difficult for these kids regardless.  Being kicked out of your room and forced to sleep three in a bed so that mom's new BF can move in is insane and probably pretty traumatic for these kids. 

post #15 of 30

I'd hold off because the dad is being notified in the next day or so. I think there's a way of getting an emergency hearing, if a parent is worried about their kids well-being, and he could get a temporary order to have the kids live with him while they sort things out. If these were my kids, I'd be extremely concerned about the situation, even without the bed-sharing factor. If the dad doesn't come back to deal with it immediately, I'd probably call CPS at that point.

post #16 of 30

Yeah, CPS are not going to remove the children from the home unless there is physical evidence of harm, abuse, or neglect. It is actually REALLY extreme to be pulled out of a home on a first visit much less NO visit. Yeah, it is unusual and sudden and is probably not helping the children transition with the situation of their biological parents - however, it is not illegal nor is it really harming the kids. I agree with pps - there are children who don't have their own rooms or a house. While I feel for your situation; it is low on the CPS totem pole.

post #17 of 30
I wouldnt call. There is no reason to.

Have you asked the boys if they are uncomfortable?
Has anyone even asked the mom why this is happening or how long she plans to do this for? (she might be letting him stay there for a month, or they might move in a couple of months into a bigger place)
Is there any reason to believe that it is unsafe, unsanitary, or abusive?
Do you think the mom talked to her kids before she made this decision and included them in it?


There is just way too much missing information for me to think to call cps. I would def. be asking some questions, but knowing that she has every right to tell me its none of my business. Honestly, 3 boys in the 8-12 age range sharing a room is not really uncommon. Its kinda weird that they barely know the boy, but for all we know they might get along great and have asked to all sleep in the same room.
post #18 of 30

I'm not sure how you think the sleeping situation constitutes neglect or abuse?  It sounds uncomfortable &/or like something you don't approve of, but child services tends to investigate things like neglect situations where children aren't eating and physical or sexual abuse.

post #19 of 30

I wouldn't call. Seems more like a uncomfortable situation but nothing really neglectful or abusive. Sometimes things are done and people just have to suck it up. Sure it seems like some bad choices are being made but at the same time no one knows what it really going on. The guy could really be a decent guy and it all could be temporary. Who knows. Really not CPS worthy at all. 

 

post #20 of 30

Do you have personal experience with CPS or children who have been under their "care"? I wouldnt call unless the children indicate something more than just sharing a bed with another kid. Getting CPS involved in a case where you actually want the kids to stay in the family is not a good idea. Remember, they get paid to take children from families.  (Of course some caseworkers are saints, but not all of them!!)

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › need some CPS advice - if we call would they do anything?