I've been feeling a deep reluctance to do much of anything for a while now - since the beginning of this year in fact. It doesn't seem to be depression because I feel happy most of the time, low moods don't last long and I am excited by and engaged by being with friends, listening to music, camping, being in nature and reading or watching thought-provoking things - I'm just not inspired to do anything goal orientated whatsoever...to do anything that I actually *have* to do... I've been doing a diploma in Breastfeeding Counselling for over 2 years and when I'm at the tutorials or at my related voluntary job, ie with other people I'm inspired and I love it - inbetween, I hate the whole thing and wish daily I could pack it in. I struggle to get in nearly as much creative writing (my passion) as I'd like to, either because i fear it or because I know i should be doing study work and feel guilty allowing myself to do 'pleasurable' stuff. I hardly ever do yoga anymore since stopping teaching yoga, again, I just don't seem to have the motivation to do it. It's got more pronounced since I went on a week long camping trip recently - since i got back I just really couldn't be bothered with anything!
I feel exhausted a lot of the time and want to sleep or just read. I find most days playing with my 3 year old son is something I really have to talk myself into doing with a degree of presence and enjoyment, though when I'm on the right wavelength I do really enjoy motherhood. I feel guilty because I am not working, I packed in work last year when I found it too stressful trying to study, be a single mom and work with no support - the idea was to work my way into self employment but I now find that i really seem to lack the motivation to do anything of my own accord. Basically unless someone is standing over me saying, do it now, it doesn't usually get done - or only at the last minute. I've been unhappy with many aspects of living in the city and wanting to live more rurally and in community with others, for a long time, so I'm wondering if this is partly just a withdrawing of my energy from an environment that doesn't suit me...or if, if I moved into that situation, I'd just confront the same issues because they're something about me.
I guess my question is: how do you know when it's time for an external change, and when it's an internal one that needs to happen? Has anyone been through anything similar? This is so foreign to me because I've always been a driven, ambitious, hard working person, and needed to be active and productive a lot. Now, I feel guilty and a little depressed by not achieving much but it still doesn't motivate me enough to actually get on with stuff.