my one year old is already a terrible two i dont know what to do!

[Bethanyvan]

he has a baby brother he loves to hit, slap, bite you name it.

He bites me ,  its like saying no no doesnt do a thing! i dont beleive in any physical punishments.... i had enoughtof that growing up, but sometimes i smak him (not hard) on the butt or flick him to get his attention when hes biting me or his baby brother...help ! i need advice! i dont want to do those things but holding him in time out doesnt work...im afraid its going to get worse especially when we are around other kids...

[poetlizabeth]

I wish I had better advice to give. All I can think is getting him toys to bite such as cold teething toy that he can bite. Time out usually don't work with one years old, distraction can work better. Even though I don't like to do this sometimes its best to put him in a crib, playpen or other confining area if you need to get something done and his brother is near. In my experience unfortunately sometimes biting would take place even when I was right next to them and I would feel horrible that I was not quick enough to have prevented it. When a bite does occur try to give very  little if any attention to your son (some children look for negative attention) and focus on the baby (If he is the one who got bite). Best of luck and hope this stage passes quickly for you.

[Xerxella]

I'm sorry.  This is tough.  My only answer would be this requires constant vigilance.  The minute the older child gets aggressive with anyone they are told in a firm voice with a serious, unhappy face that we do not bite/hit/pinch.  I then set the older child down away from me (and the older child is now crying) and pick up the baby/victim and sooth them. 

When my younger daughter was entering this stage and being aggresive with her older brother I had to be watching her constantly.  The bite always followed a pattern.  Older brother would have something or have take something from younger sister and she would open her mouth and head in for the bite to get it back.  Luckily, the bite only happened once before I figured out the pattern.  I watched her like a hawk for the weeks after that.  Everytime she opened her mouth and headed in, I immediately, made a loud "EHHHHH!!!" sound.  (I don't like saying no to kids all the time.)  It would startle her into stopping the action and everyone would look at me and I say in my firm voice, "Remember, we don't bite."  Usually, she would cry and I would snuggle her and hug her and tell her she's a good girl, but she needs to remember we don't bite people, it hurts them.  If brother takes something from you, you come tell mommy and we'll figure it out. 

Now, at 1, I'm sure she didn't understand all that.  But, I know she figured it out.  First, I would catch her going in for the bite then changing her mind on her own and then just complaining to me instead.  It didn't take too long, a couple of weeks and there has been no back slide. 

Also, I have to add, that I don't think hurting a child to teach him not to hurt others is effective.  (Please don't say that when you "flick" him or smack him on the bottom it doesn't hurt him.   You're not giving him a hug, your intention by hitting him is to cause him pain.  If it tickled, he'd laugh.) 

[P.J.]

Originally Posted by Xerxella 

Also, I have to add, that I don't think hurting a child to teach him not to hurt others is effective.  (Please don't say that when you "flick" him or smack him on the bottom it doesn't hurt him.   You're not giving him a hug, your intention by hitting him is to cause him pain.  If it tickled, he'd laugh.) 

^^^This^^^

I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you, and it's good that your recognize you shouldn't be hitting him. In the long run, if you hit a child you teach them to be aggressive. It will only make it worse. I hope you get good advice here to find alternatives to hitting.

[Gitana Arts]

Bethany, it sounds like your one year old is probably feeling jealous of his new baby brother and is having a hard time with the transition. Acting out (biting, hitting, etc.) might  his way of getting your attention. Can you make any special one-on-one time with your son, so that he gets all your attention to himself for awhile?

I think one is still too early for time out to be effective. When my 14 month old bites me, I put him down and walk away (only into the next room.) I try not to give him too much attention because I don't want to reinforce that behavior. It's hard not to get angry because it HURTS, but I think it's really important to stay calm and not react out of anger. As for the flicking and bottom smacking....it's easy to be overly-rough when you're feeling angry and agitated. And physical punishment, however gentle, will only reinforce your son's behavior. Sorry you're having a rough time. Hopefully it will get easier as your little ones get bigger. Good luck!

[ThreeTwoFive]

One thing that has worked well with my 21-mo-old is to show him where he is allowed to hit. I grab a pillow and demonstrate how to redirect that energy.  

Is there any sort of consistent trigger to the biting or hitting?  Is he trying to get someone's attention?  Is he frustrated about something?  If you can address whatever that is, the biting and hitting might stop.

[tooraloora]

My DS is really into hitting and slapping right now. I don't know about yours, but with mine, it really isn't a matter of anger, jealousy, etc. He just likes to hit. He's a very physical kid. He doesn't understand that it hurts the person being hit. I've mostly been intercepting his slaps and showing him ways he can physically interact that won't hurt anyone. A lot of the time, he'll throw up a hand to slap me or his sister, and we'll high 5 him instead (with smiles and laughs and a "High 5!"). He loves that, and there have been many situations lately where he's chosen a high 5 over a slap across the face all by himself. I also grab his hand when he's about to hit me or someone else, or pull hair (a big favorite for DS), and tell him "Gentle." while I help him softly pat the face he was going to slap, or stroke the hair he was going to pull. When he bites me, I put him down and walk away. When he bites someone else, I take that person and walk away consoling them. I also try to offer things he can bite pretty frequently.

[akind1]

We use the "gentle!" cue a lot with our DS (who is 20 months) - we started I want to say well before he was a year old. we guided his hand to stroke our face and said "gentle!" and this continues to work really well.

I also set him down and away from me when he becomes aggressive. I am trying to get DH to do the same, but training DH is harder than training DS! I am working on warnings "if you do that again, Mama will put you down" and I follow through.

Also I try to show him what he can hit, kick, etc. If he is hitting something that isn't alive (like a table or wall) I leave it be. Thankfully, he hasn't really tried to bite (well, sometimes he dives with his mouth open, and I can't tell exactly what he's trying to do. The result is just a bunch of slobber, so I really haven't given that behaviour much attention).

I have found - not because I do it, but because DH does, and I'm trying to get him to stop!  - that hitting, even in a not hard sort of way, tends to perpetuate the cycle of aggression. DS hits and headbutts DH far more often than he does me, and I think it is because sometimes DH reacts physically. I have tried telling DH that DS is doing that because he thinks that is what the two of them do - hit each other - he doesn't really understand why it's happening. It's a process. I think if you try to react in a less physical way towards your LO, he will respond accordingly.

I hope some of that makes sense!