Helping 3 yo adjust to newborn baby--HELP!

[medmom7]

Can anyone please share tips of ways to help young children adjust to the arrival of a sibling? My first daughter is 3, which is a wonderful age but also a tough age because of the tantrums. Our new baby daughter is about a week old and our 3 yo is overall doing great but today was a really tough day.

Three times I had the baby asleep and fed and three times her sister intentionally went against my instructions and touched her, shook her bassinet etc and woke her up. I was so proud of myself for not screaming because I was SO frustrated. The whole reason I was trying to get the baby asleep was so that I could spend time alone with my 3 yo!!!! I tried to explain this to her but she did not get it.

Finally I was able to get the baby asleep and then later in the day was able to take my 3 yo for a special outing just the two of us while Grandma watched the newborn (newborn was not happy and cried the whole 45 min we were gone but I felt it was important).

I can deal with extra meltdowns and such but three specific behaviors drive me absolutely crazy and make me want to scream:

1. Hugging/kissing the baby too tight and making her cry when I specifically ask her to be gentle. And I know that she understands and is totally capable of being gentle.

2. Getting in the baby's face while she is nursing

3. Touching the baby while she is trying to fall asleep

Any tips on how to stop these behaviors?

One thing that helped today was setting a timer and when the timer went off stopping the baby from nursing and letting her big sister hug and kiss her. I've been trying to find fun activities to do while the baby is sleeping (e.g. we painted her toenails today and then planted flowers together in the afternoon). She has not been watching any videos and (thanks to Grandma) has had plenty of healthy food available to her. She has a nap time still, sometimes she naps and sometimes she just rests. I've also been focusing on complimenting my daughter when she is doing well. And I am trying to set as few rules/say no as little as possible and focus on the big things.

Any other tips on helping a 3 yo adjust to arrival of a newborn? Because I feel like I've been run over by a truck! I don't know how many days like this I can take. Thank you!!!

[motherhendoula]

Congratulations on the new baby!  and ((hugs)) to you!  My oldest two are 2 years, 11months and 1 week apart.  I have to say from the first hour i just let my 3yr DD know that i trusted her with the baby...even though i really didnt.  She got to hold her brother when he was about 90 minutes old and virtually every time she asked to hold him - i let her.   even though i was scared, i propped her little arms up on the arm of the couch and handed the baby to her and she just looked at him and cooed at him.  I dont recall her even asking to hold him much after that.  I do remember letting him have some 'tummy time' on the floor and she and I would both lay down on the floor and talk to the new LO.  Every time i nursed LO i called DD over to read a book - well i guess not EVERY time!  And for nap time (more for me than anyone else)  i popped on a video, propped myself up on the couch, hooked the baby on and my DD laid down in my lap - sometimes we all slept, sometimes just me and the baby - but it was nice quiet time either way.

I think you can explain to her that the baby needs to sleep and her shaking his bassinette will make him upset.  I went the opposite direction with my DD and didnt strive to find alone time with just she and i ...the new baby is here, we are all together now and we need to learn to live with each other - that being said - i had a very home-bound little DD who loved to read and put puzzles together ...certainly do-able with a newborn!    If she had been 'spirited'  im sure it would have been a different story!

[bdoody11]

Hugs, mama! My DDs are 3 years, 4 months apart so I know exactly what you're going through. That was us last summer! We had many of the same issues you are having: touching the baby roughly, waking her up (which makes made me the most crazy truth be told), trying to be the baby (get on the changing table, getting in the crib right when I was about to use them with DD#2).

Truthfully, what really helped with time. I know that is not what you want to hear, but it does get better as they both get older. In the short term, I think you are doing all the right things. Another suggestion is to give what your daughter what she wants in wishes. Like, if she is trying to wake the baby up, say "You wish the baby could play with us right now, but he needs to sleep in order to grow/be happy/etc." Also, if your DD is like mine, she just might be trying to push your buttons and see how far she can push you before you blow up. We had a hitting issue around limit testing. The best advice is just to stay calm and show her firm boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. 

It sounds like you have some help, which is key. My DD continued in her preschool class and my Mom came over a ton. That helped with the baby and also keeping DD distracted. 

Hang in there, mama! In a few months it will be MUCH better and 6 months it will be even easier.